Threads merged and edited

I posted 1 month before explaining that my ex broke off with me after a 3 year relationship. Basically she cheated on me by kissing another guy while we were together and she went with him. There was some on and off moment where I wanted to break all contact and she wanted us to stay in contact and she was stringing me along ( "I don't know what I want" ).

2 month after the break up I decided to go to Europe with some friends and I had a talk with my ex. She was saying she wanted to go back with me but she wasn't sure at 100% so this time apart would be good. I basically said I was going to wait.

I went to a weeding and meet this wonderful girl with whom I passed a lot of time with and we are living in the same city. We are not dating yet but it is very close ( hopefully ), she is super sweet and super fun. She is coming back in 1 month and a half and we said we are going to call each other and see how it goes.

My problem was that I wasn't sure how to tell my ex and if I had the energy to keep to my opinion. As it turned out, she is dating the first guy she kissed ( who by the way is returning to live in Europe so there is no future relationship between them). I am happy for her but I am a bit surprised and shocked. I mean some part of me feel that it is a betrayal even though I didn't want to go back to my ex. I am feeling quite confused about that but I am sure about my decision for not returning with her and wanting to date the woman I meet in Europe. Why do I have those feelings? Are they normal? What do they mean?

Your ex is history get over her. You met someone special start something new. Your ex sounds like she could very easily get back with you for old times sake and then meet someone else and dump you to move on with them. Don't waste your time. You said she was probably stringing you along and that is probably all that getting back with her will lead to again.

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My ex broke off with me about 3 month ago, but she stringed me along and the breakup itself was horrible. She told me she wasn't 100% sure and she asked for time. During that time, I learned afterward she was hocking up with a guy that was due to return in France in a couple of month. Anyhow, there was some pleading from both sides and she hurt me a lot.

I went to Europe for holidays and we told each other that we were going to wait each other, which neither of us did, I meet a wonderful girl who lives in the same city as me and she hocked up with the same guy. Now we agreed initially that we were going to be friends after a while, but a couple of days later I sent her an email telling her I don't want to be friends.

Here's the catch, we have both the same friends. Every time I see her, it pisses me off. I don't have any "love feeling" toward her, it just makes me quite angry to see her there with all my friends. And I know every time there is going to be a party or a get together, she is going to be there and it's going to piss me off. I am just trying to get excuses to yell at her but I control myself. I don't look at her and I don't talk to her.

Should I try to be friends with her knowing that we are bound to see each other? How do I keep the No Contact rule in this case? I don't want to lose friends for her and I don't want to not come to the parties because of her.

And by the way, one of my friend told me that my ex also was having a hard time with the group get together.

Let them know you appreciate it if you don't involve both of you the same time.

I had this problem once. There were some places my ex didn't go that my other friends did, which was a way around this. I also started spending a lot more time with my friends that she wasn't too close to, or those that didn't care for her too much. After a while though it just stopped bothering me and I didn't worry about her being anywhere near me.

The problem is, I don't want to limit the number of time I go out with my friends for her. I don't want to make any sacrifice for her. Maybe I'll try to be friendly with her without being friends but even then I am not sure how to do it...

I don't think that's a good idea since the break up is still fresh, but if you feel like you can do that, than go ahead.

But at the same time you need to know, if you're friends can't keep both you're lives separately and involve you with their hanging out time without her, than they aren't much a friend to begin with.

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Originally Posted by none12345

I dont think thats a good idea since the break up is still fresh, but if you feel like you can do that, than go ahead.

But at the same time you need to know, if you're friends can't keep both you're lives separately and involve you with their hanging out time without her, than they arent much a friend to begin with.

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Well it's not their fault really, as we are all a group of friends that goes a long way, she is very close to them and so am I. The only good part is that it is also hard on her... at least. I feel that everything went against me, the breakup, now we are forced to be friends...

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Originally Posted by paxe

Well it's not their fault really, as we are all a group of friends that goes a long way, she is very close to them and so am I. The only good part is that it is also hard on her... at least. I feel that everything went against me, the breakup, now we are forced to be friends...

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If you can't understand what I was trying to tell you, there's not much more I can say. Im not saying it's their fault, of course its not. But you and her are two different individuals and are not forced to be around each other. There is always a choice. And if your friends are real friends, they would understand that and still be there for you. If they don't, its probably not worth keeping.

Just like in a workplace, the same rules apply. Polite, friendly, but brief, and unavailable. No Contact is not rudeness, just don't be drawn into a deep personal conversation.

Basically hi, and bye. Another life lesson to learn about coping with ones feelings in different situations.

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The problem is that we have "mutual" friends. When I say mutual, it's because they were my friend initially and she came along, as my girlfriend to my friend's party. There is one person she is truly a friend too, the rest doesn't really like her or despise her for that matter. My ex told me that we can be civil, and she needs this, because she is passing through a tough time with her current boyfriend ( she is starting a minimum 2 year long distance relationship with this guy, talking about dysfunctional, she only jumped from guy to guy, too afraid to be alone ).

The problem is that she doesn't have actual contacts with almost everybody in the group and they are actually MY group of friends. But everybody just nods along and tell me to be the noble one. After a couple of meeting, I'm getting a bit bored and pissed about this situation, because I don't want to be friends with my ex and I don't really want contact with her but every time she is here! Nobody understands except when I tell them I want to bring all their exes back and see what they think. Only now they are understanding.

I want her out of the group and I know she criticizes a lot all the people in this group. I want to use those bad critics to turn her against herself so that she will slowly fade out of the group. I don't really despise any other people, except her and I see quite a lot of ugly facet that I didn't to see before. How do I get her out? Am I morally wrong to do that?

I don't think you are morally wrong for wanting her to go away. It would be morally wrong to rally people against her, however. Ex's are always hard work. I recently asked a question on this forum myself so anyone who reads it will see that I've had a hard time with an ex myself!

My advice may be surprising, but it would be to talk to her. Explain, as friends, that you're finding it difficult to be around her after everything that happened. Try and appeal to any maturity in her and get her to see sense. If it blows in to an argument, immediately stop the conversation as you wouldn't be there to do that. It may also be worth explaining to your friends that you do not want to be around her and you will not hang out with them if she's around because it makes you uncomfortable.

If they really do not like her as you say, they will hopefully stop inviting her to things and you can get on with your life.

Well actually I had a talk with her about 1 week ago about that, and she said she was sorry ( only when I asked her to say it ), but that she needed those "friends of her" to get better. It's kind of ironic, because I am part of that group of friends that will make her feel better about her current boyfriend. On top of that, she is able to see me, and that does piss me off also.

I'm not sure I can make another contact with her, she is leaving for 2 weeks soon so that will make me feel better. But I don't trust her if I want to invite other girls (especially one which I think it may work) also. I hope sooner than later that they stop inviting her, but I am still thinking of rallying everyone slowly against her.

Don't, leave it alone, and deal with her presence as a man, and not a vindictive ex.

Its so wrong to poison her image with others, because she dumped you, and its hard getting over her. You can work harder at your healing, but she will eventually fade away, or better yet, you cope with your own feelings better.

I feel for your situation, but know people who date co workers also have that same situation, seeing there ex more than they want to.

You can take the low road, or you can take the high road. Whatever choice you make will define your character, and you will get the blessings of dealing with this in a good manner, or pay the consequences of not so great, vindictive behavior.

If you want to take another girl around your friends, why not?? Hmm, that would be repeating history though, wouldn't it? Naw, But I suspect that your jealous of her having another guy though, or you wouldn't be looking at things in such a negative light.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Don't, leave it alone, and deal with her presence as a man, and not a vindictive ex.

Its so wrong to poison her image with others, because she dumped you, and its hard getting over her. You can work harder at your healing, but she will eventually fade away, or better yet, you cope with your own feelings better.

I feel for your situation, but know people who date co workers also have that same situation, seeing there ex more than they want to.

You can take the low road, or you can take the high road. Whatever choice you make will define your character, and you will get the blessings of dealing with this in a good manner, or pay the consequences of not so great, vindictive behavior.

If you want to take another girl around your friends, why not??? Hmm, that would be repeating history though, wouldn't it?? Naw, But I suspect that your jealous of her having another guy though, or you wouldn't be looking at things in such a negative light.

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I understand your reasoning and it makes sense. But then again, they are my friend and not hers, and it makes no sense for her to come to my group. I asked gently one of my friend ( the only real one she has in the group ), if she could stop inviting her and she told me yes. But you are right I am going to try to deal with her presence, but it is not easy.

Knowing my ex, she may try to be overemotional and try to break us apart if I bring another girl in the group. I'm not trying to repeat history though lol and I'm not jealous of my ex at all actually (I'm not rushing into anything I'm just taking my time). It's just that she hurt me so much and lied so much, that I cannot see this person, as a friend or someone that I would like. It's like I can see who she really is right now. I feel great when she is not there, I don't think about her, but when she is there physically, it just reminds me of everything she's done.

This is a learning experience as to how best to cope with your own feelings, and the downside of introducing your g/f's to your own group, is they make friends. Been there, done that. I found the way to best handle that, is never say anything negative, as that reflect poorly on you, and have a more broad based, balanced life so you don't depend on the just "the group" for fun, or support.

If you have nothing good to say about the ex, say nothing publicly

I wouldn't have continued this thread because I'm doing great after 3 month of break up but here goes:
I received a text message from my ex: "I love you like crasy, I am going to miss you, love" and then a message like the metro is closed.
Either the text message was directed to me or to her boyfriend ( our names aren't even close to each other ). I'm just feeling anger and I'm waiting for her to come back home so that I can call her. It's the first time that I'm breaking No Contact for 3 months and I want to let her know what I feel because this is never heard of (sending a love text message to her boyfriend but inadvertently sending it to her ex) and to tell her to stop doing that.

The worst thing is that I have to see her on Friday (mutual friends) which didn't bother me before that text. I was doing so great, I went to a party and got a lot of attention with girls and I was on a date the day before (which didn't go too well but it seems the girl has some issues with her ex).

Is it wrong that I feel this anger and that I just want to say everything that passes trough my mind? I just want to tell her she cheated on me, she is a liar and a deceitful creature and I don't trust her answer and to stop sending me those text.

I think I needed more venting than anything else.

She is probably playing cat and mouse just to get a reaction out of you. Don't play into it.
If you ignore her and don't act curious or hurt or anything that will accomplish more than confronting her.
If you go asking her why, try to figure out motives and give her a bunch of attention then it is going to reinforce her feelings of why she left you.
If she wanted you back she would have came right out and asked you to take her back.
When you go out let her bring anything up otherwise ignore her.

I don't think that forcing her hand is a good idea in this situation. And it really doesn't sound like the two of you are very compatible. The things you mentioned (socializing with friends, family, going to the same places) tend to be of fundamental importance to most women. And trying to change yourself to "prove" something to her isn't going to cut it either. She'll sense that it's all an act and you'll eventually end up resentful for feeling like your were forced to change in order to please her. The fact that she's shown some interest in another guy is a red flag as well. I think that you both need to accept the fact that this isn't meant to be and move on.