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Originally Posted by whatnow

I have been in love before, actually I have been married for 10 years before however my wife passed away 3 years ago. I have had a couple of relationships in between her passing and now and this is the first time that I feel alive again and in love again and I know its love and not lust.

(or is it eyes) :)

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Maybe your in love with the idea of being in love again, but not actually in love with the woman. Maybe the relationships in between you wife's passing were too soon and you didn't really feel comfortable but now enough time has passed and the idea of love doesn't feel so awkward anymore. It just might be this woman came along at the time in your life that you wanted to be in a relationship but she may not actually be the right woman. It just seems hard to tell after only 5 weeks.

Party for a year and have nothing but fun then you can start to see things and will know her a lot better. Let your hair down and enjoy this period in your life.

If you're losing your connection - END all communication - quit responding - disappear. Make her come to you. Don't contact her - don't call!!

See - she had you - no fun - game over - no chase - mystery. Women early on need a chase. Whe nyou completely surrender earely on -they leave!

The conclusion as promised.

Thursday she called me and we organised a date after not seeing each other for a week. That week I prepared myself to break up with her. That night we had a great time, and the morning the next day was even better. Its as if we didn't have a problem in the world. Friday night we both went to a friends place for dinner, everything went OK and when we went to get in the car she held the drivers door shut from the passengers side. (she had been drinking quite a bit I couldn't drink as I was the driver) I then jokingly pulled the door half open and then she slammed it and 2 of my fingers got jammed. Naturally I yelled ouch my fingers got jammed she then said well now I've seen your dark side. I dropped her off at home and we didn't talk the whole way.

When we got to her place she got out of the car and said thanks for the lift and went to open her front door. I wound down my window and called her name a few times to which she didn't respond then said goodbye and then drove off.

She called me later that night and said that she was dissapointed.

So that's me done for some time now.

Thanks again for everyone's feedback it was truly appreciated and very true.

What was she disappointed about? Did she elaborate? She sounds weird to me. Sorry I cannot think of anything better to say.

Sorry for you, but you are definitely better off.

That whole way you describe it is weird. Totally weird. I don't get it. The whole car door thing? I don't follow your story at all - and it sounds like nothing went OK.

Oh - and why do you keep hanign with her? You didn't follow our advice at all and now you are done. If that night went so bad - why on earth did you answer the phone?

Of course you're done - too available. She's bored.

You should have ended the contact and make her miss you - you wit hher a lot recently - not good.

Sorry Wildcat. I forgot to hit the AGREE button :eek: I am totally WITH you on that one.

I have butterfingers today!!

That's OK.

This guy didn't follow our advice and of course he's done. He was with her way too much recently.

LESS IS MORE!!

Thanks for the update. Yeah I agree that you were to available, but that whole car door thing almost makes it seems like she was testing you or trying to make you mad at her. Perhaps she was trying to make you mad so you'd dump her and then she wouldn't have to be the "bad guy" in this situation.

I am extremely grumpy, and it has caused problems with my relationship with my boyfriend. He doesn't like it. It may be the fact that he's on a ton of xanax, though. Ok, back to your problem. Let's see, I'd like to know how long her and the X dated. Because if it were for years, I could understand how she could call you his name. I have made that mistake, only using my ex-husbands name, especially when I get upset. That's beside the point. Now, another thing I would like to know is how long they were broken up before you and she got together? Are you the re-bound man? Are you the knight in shining armour coming to her rescue? Or was she single for quite a while before your relationship?? Things to think about.

Well I'm back to give everyone an update just in case you were curious.

After that weekend that we "broke up" we got back together and things have been better than ever, its as if we have changed and are two different people.

However

My insecurities are now causing issues :( At times I can be quite a jealous guy, I really hate it and I don't know how to fix myself in that way. There was an incident last Thursday where one of her male best friends (gay) was at her house and they had a little too much to drink. He stayed over at her house and they slept in the same bed as each other. I fully trust her and know nothing happened, I have met this guy and there is no doubt in my mind he is gay. Apparently they snuggled up together and went to sleep.

Now correct me if I am wrong but is this strange? I believe that is a form of intimacy that is innapropriate for an attached female to do?

Call me old fashioned, but I don't feel comfortable one bit that it happened, I even raised it with her and she was offended that I thought it may be something other than what she saw it as. Furthermore she said that she is affectionate with all her friends and that's just who she is. I kind of feel like my feelings were kicked to the curb and she won't compromise.

Can anyone give any good advice on how to overcome that type of jealousy? I know it's a problem for me and I want to really get rid of it however I don't know how...

Thanks again in advance for all your help.

Can u refresh my memory this girl who slept in the same bed as her gay best friend, what's her connection with you?

She's my girlfriend...

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...hip-35043.html

Why are you so jealous?
What do u fear the most?

By d way has she called again by her ex's name?

And do u know her gay best friend?

Why am I so jealous?
That's a really good question, I don't know its just a feeling that overcomes me anytime I'm in that situation...

I fear the most betrayal, both on a physical and emotional level. There is no reason for me to feel that she hasn't done anything to lead me to think that would happen, once again I really don't know why that's my main fear.

No she hasn't called me her ex's name since it all happened...

Ive met her gay friend a few times and he's a cool guy we hit it off really well so I know he's genuine in his friendship to her.

I used to be very insecure when I first met my man. I used to be insecure about many things, I used to also fear betrayal, just like you. But I overcame them... completely

Right, re: gay best friend, give him the benefit of the doubt, I wouldn't worry about that, you said yourself he seems genuine, just remember he is attrached to men, not women, so don't worry about him.

Have you been hurt in the past?

Jealousy and insecurity, things to overcome, they are also a big turn off so address the problems.

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Originally Posted by whatnow

My insecurities are now causing issues :( At times I can be quite a jealous guy, I really hate it and I don't know how to fix myself in that way.

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Ah but I think you do know how to fix yourself. You use the same skills that you have on other things. You search in the world for solutions, read books, ask other people questions, pursuing it wherever it takes you. You have overcome other things to be who you are now, you really have. What I hear is someone who doesn't WANT to fix it. Your choice and a regrettable since its really going to limit what kind of relationships you have--- likely to ones that are difficult or not very enduring.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by whatnow

There was an incident last thursday where one of her male best friends (gay) was at her house and they had a little too much to drink. He stayed over at her house and they slept in the same bed as each other. I fully trust her and know nothing happened.

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I treated my gay friends like girlfriends growing up, since essentially they were that to me. Sounds like she feels safe with them. If you know nothing happened, then why not respond like it? I think its wise she kicked to the curb some of your feelings since jealousy and insecurity are not things anyone wants to encourage in a relationship. Somewhere "back there", long before this incident and probably before you met this girl, you decided to be prone to jealous and insecure feelings-- you decided to respond to some one or thing that way, and you've kept responding that way without recognizing that you are perfectly capable of undeciding it too.

If you were a personal friend of mine, the first thing I would say to you about it is, hey dude-- quit making it so legit in your mind! Quit rationalizing that its okay and making any excuses to yourself. For pete's sake, betrayal (while not fun)... IS A SURVIVABLE EVENT! You are not a victim of this girl or her actions-- you are a "victim" (if you can call it that) of your own thinking. Turn in your victim membership card, please!! LOL Its almost like you think its cool and don't see how very immature it makes you or that you think it's a good attribute that will lure in some girl who will cater to your every whim, which is amazingly unrealistic. What did you do -- break up to teach this girl a lesson and now she should be more willing to cater? Not good. If you use those feelings to gauge how willing she is, when you find someone who finally understands and caters, you'll have the neediest, most insecure and immature girl on your hands! OMG the trouble that will cause will be beyond your wildest dreams or capabilities. LOL Be careful what you ask for...

The lesson here is that if our partners gave us every single thing we wanted, it would be disastrous! We sometimes make mistakes, ask for too much, and ask for wrong things. Mature healthy people realise that and learn the art of compromise. As a result, my partner has helped me better myself and I him - a very rewarding part of all kinds of relationship.

Don't worry about - the Dude is GAY!

My first gal I dated who had a serious gay friend - I was jealous - they spent a lot of time together - dinners on Sunday - until I met 'his men' and saw HOW HE REACTED AROUND THEM!! Light bulb came on. He was a hound dog around these guys.

He's gay - he has no attreaction towards her.