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Originally Posted by joshdom

thank you. i totally am. i keep checking websites she is on to see if they have had contact wit each other, its as though i want to track how she behaves towards him to see if i still have a shot or not. i keep thinking to myself yes i am suspicious, and yes i still love her, but if nothing happens between them she is single and so am i. i need to get over her but i dont want to. when i met her i had serious issues. i grew up in a domestically violent home, quite a serious one, and when she met me 2 of my brothers had attempted suicide. she helped me so much with that i feel like a can never repay her. i think thats probably the reason i am finding it so hard to let go. i want to be able to do for her what she did for me. i did held her with issues such as self harming etc., but i dont think i can ever repa what she did for me and i will alaways love her for that

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You repaid her with the love that you did share during your relationship. If she felt like you owed her something, she would have let you know (and I really doubt she feels that way). Growing up without a solid foundation in your life can be difficult, but ultimately you have to build one for yourself if you really want to be happy (personal experiences here).

Best way to keep from checking those profiles is to remove her as a friend. For sites with public access, you need to learn to control yourself (I'm guilty of checking those sites too, it just takes time and self-confidence to "break the addiction"). If she reacts, let her know that it wasn't because you hate her or anything, but because you need time apart to get over her. You'll know if she really cares about you by doing so, because she will respect your space and give you the time you need instead of contacting you.

I know it's hard. Check the threads that are stickied in these forums, especially the break up survival guide. Set goals for yourself so that you feel like you are moving forward in your life. Ultimately, when you are truly ready, then you can see how a friendship might work.

Best of luck.

~ Tee

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Originally Posted by busterite

I understand that you really love this girl but at this point in time you need to think of your own well being here. What we are all trying to do is help you prepare for the worst case scenario and armour yourself from anything that can hurt you even more. No one is trying to make up things about her. She might or might not be seeing this guy but the truth of the matter is that at this point in time she doesnt want to be with you and you need to accept that as hard as it may be. Now no one knows what the future holds but for how long do you think you can go on like this?

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Not very long, it kills me every time I talk to her. I can't tell her I love her because I know I will get nothing back. The advice means a lot. Especially when you guys have more life experience than me

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Originally Posted by Triysle

You repaid her with the love that you did share during your relationship. If she felt like you owed her something, she would have let you know (and I really doubt she feels that way). Growing up without a solid foundation in your life can be difficult, but ultimately you have to build one for yourself if you really want to be happy (personal experiences here).

Best way to keep from checking those profiles is to remove her as a friend. For sites with public access, you need to learn to control yourself (I'm guilty of checking those sites too, it just takes time and self-confidence to "break the addiction"). If she reacts, let her know that it wasn't because you hate her or anything, but because you need time apart to get over her. You'll know if she really cares about you by doing so, because she will respect your space and give you the time you need instead of contacting you.

I know it's hard. Check the threads that are stickied in these forums, especially the break up survival guide. Set goals for yourself so that you feel like you are moving forward in your life. Ultimately, when you are truly ready, then you can see how a friendship might work.

Best of luck.

~ Tee

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Thanks. I think it s just made harder because I'm going through the stressful exam period
(pass this exam which most people fail or you lose $20,000 and we will kick you off the course) it takes its toll on a 19 yo LOL. I don't want to delete her as a frind because I want to prove to myself that I can do it (that is my goal). I can tll it is going to be very hard though.

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Originally Posted by joshdom

thanks. i think it s just made harder because im going throught the stressful exam period
(pass this exam which most people fail or you lose $20,000 and we will kick you off the course) it takes its toll on a 19 yo LOL. i dont want to delete her as a frind because i want to prove to myself that i can do it (that is my goal). i can tll it is going to be very hard though.

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Hey I can't make you do it. You'll end up making the same mistakes we all did, and hurting that much more for it. But trust me, one day you will wake up, scoot over to the computer, and realize "why do I have her profile set as my home page?"

Nip it in the bud right now, or hurt that much more later on down the road.

~ Tee

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not very long, it kills me every time I talk to her. I can't tell her I love her because I know I will get nothing back.

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Starting NC and actually maintaining it is the first step in accepting the situation for what it is. Its best if you don't know what she is doing or who she is seeing. Ignorance is bliss in these cases. So I suggest you stop checking her myspace, Facebook etc. You need to block any form of contact from her. Delete her number from your phone and cut any ways of communicating her. It will be hard at first but it does get better with time.

When I was going through a similar thing what was killing me at first was not knowing where it was all heading to. Once you accept the fact then things start to clear up and you see things without the silver lining

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Originally Posted by joshdom

she does not feel for him like that, or at least she says she doesnt, but yes, it is her choice. if she decides she just wants to be friends that is up to her then it is up to me to decide if that is something i want

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That's right, if she wants to be friends with you while she wants to see where things lead with this other guy, it is your choice .

Don't be friends with someone you don't want to be friends with. From experience, I know it is very hard to be friends with someone you had/have feelings for when they don't feel the same.

But in the end it is your choice, and you have to do what's best for you, what makes you happy, without anyone telling you what they want you to do or what you have to do.

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Originally Posted by Triysle

Hey I can't make you do it. You'll end up making the same mistakes we all did, and hurting that much more for it. But trust me, one day you will wake up, scoot over to the computer, and realize "why do I have her profile set as my home page?"

Nip it in the bud right now, or hurt that much more later on down the road.

~ Tee

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It will never be my home page, I'm not checking it that regularly. I'm just saying if I know it is there and I don't need to check it, then I know I don't need to know what's going on. I'm not bothered so much about what she is saying to anybody, its more upsetting just not being part of her life. I can't gain that from a wbsite so I'm nt checking it often

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Originally Posted by busterite

Starting NC and actually maintaining it is the first step in accepting the situation for what it is. Its best if you dont know what she is doing or who she is seeing. Ignorance is bliss in these cases. So I suggest you stop checking her myspace, facebook etc. You need to block any form of contact from her. Delete her number from your phone and cut any ways of communicating her. It will be hard at first but it does get better with time.

When I was going through a similar thing what was killing me at first was not knowing where it was all heading to. Once you accept the fact then things start to clear up and you see things without the silver lining

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Do I really need to delete her number though? In an extreme case I will call her, and I'm only keeping it for this purpose. If once I have accepted it I chose to get back in touvh I will need a phone number in order to do that

I am 29 years old and when I write what I write I am giving you advise just like I would give one of my friends, even though I don't know you.

This girl is a liar and you need to see things for what they are. For your own sanity you really need to leave her alone and listen her words and view her actions for the words she isn't saying.

Believe me when I say your better off without her and don't be surprise if you hear or see she starts messing with this guy down the line.

She already told you she love you but not in love with you. When someone tells me this that is my cue to move on.

You can't make someone love nor be with you and if you do why even waste your time?

Move on and believe me there is someone better for you who would love to be with you.

You don't have to delete her number as long as you are sure you won't break and contact her. It will be long before you have accepted it but you need to be patient. Hold on in there, and come here to vent whenever you feel like it.

I get what you are saying. I do need to move on. I know she won't mess people around she isn't like that, I know her very well even if she did lie a few times. Even when she was lying, I told her I knew before she knew what was happening half the time. She doesn't mean to but yes she did lie and yes I do deserve better. It is just hard to accept that 4 years of hard work are being wasted, especially when I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but, would I have been happy with her acting like this? I guess that's the ultimate question huh

You need to think with your head and not your heart. Your heart is always going to tell you to go back and fight but that will only hurt the most important person in your life... you.

If she doesn't want to be with you anymore, you cannot change that by any means. Get into a mindset of your personal interests to make you a better person and don't ever settle for less than what you're worth. She made a mistake but it's not your problem. Let her deal with it and soon you'll see you're better off, my friend.

NC period. Best thing I ever did give her time to clear her head. You've been with her for 4 years her feelings won't just disappear, do NC get yourself together and she will either miss you and come back or want to talk things out. If not any of those then don't worry because you will be worrying about yourself more then her when you do NC. Go out and chill with friends.

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Originally Posted by JTS31708

NC period. Best thing i ever did give her time to clear her head. You've been with her for 4 years her feelings wont just dissapear, do NC get youself together and she will either miss you and come back or want to talk things out. If not any of those then dont worry because you will be worrying about yourself more then her when you do NC. Go out and chill with friends.

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Yer, she needs her space. I will move on but I think ill always hope things change

How about keeping your dignity and self respect, and leave her, and her life, alone.

Its real simple, and I know you don't know any better, but waiting for her to make a decision about your future is as immature as it gets, when your the one who is responsible for yourself, not her.

Make a decision for yourself, and follow through by, forgetting about her, and move forward, and don't look back.

Trying to hold on to a slim chance she changes her mind, is wishful thinking at best, and false hope at worst, neither gets you a darn thing, but misery, and pain.

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Originally Posted by joshdom

yer, she needs her space. i will move on but i think ill always hope things change

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Finally, your moving on. I think that is great and in your best interest.

You might think your going be thinking, "i think ill always hope things change", but once you heal yourself your not going dwell on this thought and your going think, "how could I have been so blind and stupid". Believe me.

This experience will only make you wiser for your next relationship.

And Tal I totally agree with you but was told to spread the rep so here it is.

Trust me, you won't always feel that way. When I first started moving on, I felt that way, hoping she would change her mind. After a month of NC, I didn't care if she changed her mind, then by the time she did change her mind, I was completely over her and her selfish ways. I realized I deserved better than to wait around for someone who didn't know what they wanted

Honestly, you have to let her go and go on with your own life.