Ask Me Help Desk - Winning back love with ex.

Thank you everyone for the analysis and thanks chuff for coming and agreeing for chuffing. So I basically sent her an email rejecting her throwing her out of my life telling her that I have more important things such as living my life to her and that I might not ever be able to get her emails and that all I could be is friends. Even if she does call on my birthday... I will still probably have to ignore it now because I will be out drinking hopefully. Thanks people. I will let you know if she does call on my birthday which she probably won't. So I am over it.

Ultima ultima ultima!! No no no now she thinks your skitz! There was no need to send such an e-mail your supposed to think these things yourself not e-mail them to her oh I don't know! Hope it all works out for you anyway :)

Oh crap sorry. I mean I put it out there I am basically rejecting her and am living my life right now. Sorry alana... what do you mean by skitz? Crazy.. In a few months she might think of me but whatever. I mean I still love her and all but I have to move on right now according to them all here. If she does come back I would marry her but I doubt she ever will.

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Originally Posted by Ultima

Oh crap sorry. I mean I put it out there I am basically rejecting her and am living my life right now. Sorry alana...what do you mean by skitz? crazy...? In a few months she might think of me but whatever. I mean I still love her and all but I have to move on right now according to them all here. If she does come back I would marry her but I doubt she ever will.

Yea I mean skitz as in crazy, okay so its good that you now realise that moving on is prob the best thing to do right now which is really good fair play to you :) just try to refrain from letting her know every thought that crosses your mind there is playing hard to get and there is being rude (dont confuse the girl anymore) lets see if she calls on your birthday if she doesn't move on don't txt her or call her (especially when your drinking) just let it go and enjoy yourself you;ll be fine I just know it ;)

I had no idea what skitz was either.

Ultima,

There was no need for that email. You don't tell a girl who isn't talking to her that you are not talking to her. She is just going to laugh at the stupidity of that. But the thing is you are not stupid. You are are emotional, and you are letting your emotions drive your behavior to the point you can't stop. Trust me on this, I've done that so many times and I've been where you have been.

Please do me a favor and read some of the posts on this site. Just read them and read the answers from people with no emotional attachment. You need to make it a goal to act like those people when you get emotionally attached to the next girl. You sound young, and I wish I had something like this website in my early 20's it would have saved me a lot of pain. Because everything you described was everything I used to be. When I Chuff somebody it's hard hitting because the usual answer is "wait for her she'll come around" or "your a good guy there's somebody out there for you." I listened to that BS for my entire 20's repeating the same behavior. The women came and went, but I never changed.

It wasn't until I was in my late 20's and it suddenly dawned on me, the same thing keeps happening to me, the women are interchangeable, but the pattern is there... why is that?

I was empty, yet giving more and more and getting used in the end just like you. My entire life I was told give to others and it will come back to you. I agree with that, but you have to have something to give. Empty answers are not it. I can't give you or anyone else advice if you can't do something with it. Advice like "it will get better" is not advice. That is just a phrase. You need to address the issue, because it can get better and I'm living proof. But right now you can not date anybody. You must build up your confidence and you must set personal guidelines for yourself when it comes to dealing with women.

For example, if she says she'll call at 6:00 pm. And doesn't. Don't call her asking why she didn't call. That's her problem. The nice guy in me used to say, "I'd better call her to make sure everything is okay." Now the nice guy in me says, "My time is to valuable to waste with people who can not back up what they say." I'm nice to myself.

If she has some problem, and asks you for advice give it to her once. If she fails to use that advice and her problem becomes bigger and she starts to dump it on you, flat out tell her you are not there for her to dump her problems on. The nice guy in me never would have told a woman that 10 years ago. Now the nice guy in me says that I'm deserve better then to accept someone problems they won't do anything about.

The nice guy in me used to give all kinds of gifts... and my line of thought was, "it will make her like me more." The nice guy in me now says, "if this girl needs to be paid off in gifts, then she has no depth." On that same note, I won't lie and tell you I haven't bought gifts for girls, since I've changed but I... and I know this sounds out there... but I use them like when I buy a raw hide bones for my dog. If my girl is has been behaving well for a period then she gets a treat. If she's acting up and won't listen then she gets nothing and usually ignored. Now don't get me wrong I realize women and dogs are two different things, dogs actually listen but you can not reward behavior that isn't positive towards you.

My point to all this is, you can't date anybody right now. You have to make some personal guide lines for yourself and if the next girl starts up, you have to put your foot down and cut the ties. Look you already do to a certain extent. If a seriel killer was interested in you, you'd probably avoid her. You've set up a guideline there that was sort of unspoken but it was set up. So now you need to set up complete guidelines about just how far you will go and what you will not put up with. Ironically enough, more women will respect you which will actually lead to more being interested in you. It really makes sense, your current girl sees that you have no guidelines, and put up with her abuse. So she does not respect you. Okay, that's one girl in 3 billion. Another one will come along but instead of screwing it up like I used to do, follow your set of personal guidelines. If she can't respect those, then cut her loose. Yourself respect is more important than any woman.

I want to answer the skitzo part and yes, skitzo means crazy. What you need to do is find balance, the gray area. Right now you are fluctuating between black and white at mock speed. Everyone knows the opposite of love is indifference, not hate. Hate and love are two sides of the same coin. All your doing is trying to prove how much you DON"T like her now, which is basically saying you still really like her. And is COMPLETELY opposite of everything you have been doing in trying to win her back. As a woman, this behavior makes no sense, thus makes you look crazy. You want us really, really bad and now are rejecting us? You need to show her you are balanced and normal and the only way you can do that is by BEING balanced and normal, which you are not doing by the whole "I love you, now leave me alone as I reject you" game you are playing. Trust me, she sees right through it. The BEST BEST BEST thing you can do right now is walk away. Truly walk away. If she wants you, she will find you. There is nothing you can do to cause this to happen. It will either happen or it won't.
How about this... GIVE HER THE GIFT OF MISSING YOU... remember that.

I have dropped off all communication with her now. Hopefully she calls on my birthday. If not fine. But It may be over... I will do new things in my life. If she comes back... I will take her back. I will give her the gift of missing me.

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Originally Posted by Ultima

I have dropped off all communication with her now.

Nice plan. Stick to it, its easier said than done.

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Originally Posted by Ultima

Hopefully she calls on my bday.

Don't expect her to, always prepare for the worse. You don't need her on your birthday, you got your family and friends who actually care about you and won't leave you.

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Originally Posted by Ultima

If not fine. But It may be over...

It is over. Haven't you seen the signs yet buddy? What have we been trying to tell you this whole time.

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Originally Posted by Ultima

I will do new things in my life.

You do the new things that make you happy, the things you always wanted to do but couldn't, now you have a lot of more free time to spend on doing stuff you want to.

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Originally Posted by Ultima

If she comes back..I will take her back.

That's what we all say at first but eventually we ll think we don't need someone who betrays our trust and leave us. We deserve better, someone who is loyal and loving and trustworthy. Give it some time but don't expect her to come back you just might end up with disappointment.

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Originally Posted by Ultima

I will give her the gift of missing me.

The point of NC is to heal, not to make them miss you and expect everything to be back to normal because it won't, even if she comes back things are going to be different.

Update: This is what she wrote back in email.

Yeah, I will disregard what you wrote but you know that it is okay as long as you were telling me what you were feeling. Your practice in medicine should always be your first priority and you knew that I always backed you up in your studies too. I wish you the best in that. :)
I've had some rough days and haven't been feeling the best. Went to my neurologist and it went well. Hope that things are going good for you! Always know that I'm here for you too. :)

Dinkle dorf.

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Originally Posted by Ultima

Update: This is what she wrote back in email.

Yeah, I will disregard what you wrote but you know that it is okay as long as you were telling me what you were feeling. Your practice in medicine should always be your first priority and you knew that I always backed you up in your studies too. I wish you the best in that. :)
I've had some rough days and haven't been feeling the best. Went to my neurologist and it went well. Hope that things are going good for you! Always know that I'm here for you too. :)

DUDE I don't know if you can see this or not, but that is the "lets be friends" speech not the "i still love you" speech >_<

Yea I can see that it feels like the friends speech. Maybe in the future she will miss me. I haven't wrote back yet. I think I should leave it that.

Should I write to her in maybe a month or so let her know what's going on in my life?

Dude honestly, have you not been listening to what everything everybody is saying? Do we have to spell out everything for you?

No... you shouldn't write back. She's not in your life anymore and does not deserve to know what is going on in it...

Will she miss you? Maybe but stop focusing on that and thinking there is still hope bro, you're not going to move forward the hurt will just remain. Just live your life and disappear from her life.

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Originally Posted by Ultima

Should I write to her in maybe a month or so let her know whats going on in my life?

How are your balls? Still swelled up? Does she take turns, like using the right foot then the left?

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Originally Posted by none12345

dude honestly, have you not been listening to what everything everybody is saying?

Not only do I second that, but I have to say if you don't want to get better that's your problem. But you obviously recognize there is a problem, so why do you seem intent on repeating your behavior. Has anything and by anything I mean ONE THING you've done worked? No. So why don't you start listening to those us who know what we are talking about. Stop it. Just stop. This was over a long time ago. In fact this was over when YOU dumped her. She knows it. I know it. Every poster here knows it. Your friends know it. My dog, who is getting a bone for being smart knows it. IT IS OVER.

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Originally Posted by none12345

do we have to spell out everything for you?

I-t I-s o-v-e-r

Ok I understand It is over.

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Originally Posted by Ultima

Ok I understand It is over.

Do you really? What suddenly made it clear?

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Originally Posted by Ultima

Ok I understand It is over.

Understanding its over and doing something about it is two different things.