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Originally Posted by lighty

Empathise with me for what? I refuse to join issue with you about me being a cheat or not. Even if I am the biggest cheat in the world you should advise me for my problem rather than admonishing me for something that drives me. I shall be grateful if you could explain to me why my cheating has become an impediment to you analysing my need and suggesting a solution for it. You are trying to cure the disease by killing the patient. Please do not do this. Concentrate on my issue rather than your mental blocks regarding the morality of the issue at hand. If all doctors started telling off patients who drink and get liver failure, we will have a bigproblem.

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You seem to think that there is a solution to your problem that doesn't involve being straight forward with your wife, the women you made a life long commitment to.

What do you want to hear? Do you want us to tell you that what you're doing is okay? How can we do that?

Yes, your wife is oblivious, which is why she's happy, or as happy as she can be without a husband who is completely committed to her.

Your lover is also married, and it sounds like he's actually trying to make this marriage work, but you keep standing in his way.

This sounds like a very dominating relationship to me. You've been together for a long time, started seeing each other when he was still a young man, in need of guidance. You made yourself his whole life, and now that he's starting to find his own way, you're trying to keep him for yourself, you don't want to share, you won't let him go. This is selfish, like it or not!

I have no problems with homosexual relationships, I have many gay friends. What I have a problem with is the lies, the cheating and the fact that you will not let this poor guy even attempt to make his marriage (which was his choice) work.

If you really love him as much as you say you do, then let him go!

There, honest enough for you?

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The problem is my jealousy.

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How can YOU be jealous when he is doing what your doing, having sex with his wife? You are having sex with yours are you not?

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I find it difficult to see him having sex with her

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Don't look! That simple.

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I know he will be heart broken if I leave him. But this is torture.

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He lives with you I thought, so where are you leaving to?

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Yet, at this age, to give up the best thing that ever happened to me? What should I do?

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That's your choice to make, so what's more important, your feelings or his, or better yet, who pays the rent.

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Even if I am the biggest cheat in the world you should advise me for my problem rather than admonishing me for something that drives me.

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Yeah right, just overlook the bad behavior when it's a factor into seeing you for what you really are and that's at the heart of your problem. Reality, you're a cheater who is jealous of your partners, partner, and you have a partner. DUH!

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I shall be grateful if you could explain to me why my cheating has become an impediment to you analysing my need and suggesting a solution for it

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It hasn't, but you're the one who can't see that your cheating is very much a big part of the problem. If you weren't lying cheating and decieving, you wouldn't be jealous and possesive of your lovers making love to his wife. How much clearer do you need that to be. You're the problem, not him!!

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

You seem to think that there is a solution to your problem that doesn't involve being straight forward with your wife, the women you made a life long commitment to.

What do you want to hear? Do you want us to tell you that what you're doing is okay? How can we do that?

Yes, your wife is oblivious, which is why she's happy, or as happy as she can be without a husband who is completely committed to her.

Your lover is also married, and it sounds like he's actually trying to make this marriage work, but you keep standing in his way.

This sounds like a very dominating relationship to me. You've been together for a long time, started seeing eachother when he was still a young man, in need of guidance. You made yourself his whole life, and now that he's starting to find his own way, you're trying to keep him for yourself, you don't want to share, you won't let him go. This is selfish, like it or not!


I have no problems with homosexual relationships, I have many gay friends. What I have a problem with is the lies, the cheating and the fact that you will not let this poor guy even attempt to make his marriage (which was his choice) work.

If you really love him as much as you say you do, then let him go!

There, honest enough for you?

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OK! OK! But how do I let him go? We have discussed this issue so many times. I have advisd him that it is better for everyone that we end the sexual part in our relationship but he refuses. Do I physically go away from him? It is not that he is trying to make his life and I am being an impediment. I have offered him freedom from my "dominating relationship" but he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He has told his wife how much he loves me. Even to the extent that I am the number one in his life. She is OK with it. I have told my wife about my feelings for him and that I cannot live without him. YES WE DID NOT TELL THEM ABOUT THE SEX. I am not holding on to him. I will be happy if he wants to make a separate life for himself but it should come from him. It should be something that he wants not something I force on him.

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I have advisd him that it is better for everyone that we end the sexual part in our relationship but he refuses.

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Do you not have a say in this? If he tells you he's going to castrate you do you just let him because he refuses to take no for an answer? See where I'm going with this?

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I have offered him freedom from my "dominating relationship" but he wants to spend the rest of his life with me

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Then why the hell did he get married? This doesn't make any sense.

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I will be happy if he wants to make a separate life for himself but it should come from him. It should be something that he wants not something I force on him.

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What do you want? Do you want to continue the way you're going? Do you want to continue cheating on the woman you made a commitment to? Do you want him to keep cheating too? What do you want?

Until you figure this out, there's nothing we can do. The ball is in your court. You can decide to continue this warped relationship, or you can walk away, even if he says no.

The problem is, you really don't want to let him go. You are trying to hold on to him, expect him to be yours and only yours. You're jealous of his wife, the woman he married, made a commitment to, is planning on spending his life with.

You're a thorn in his marriage. As long as you stand by and let this continue, you are accountable for everything.

It takes two to make a relationship work. It only takes one to walk away.

It's time to walk away!

Don't try putting this whole decision on him. You have as much say as he does, don't you?

Shifting the blame now, is not solving the problem at all. Its just an excuse for you not to make a decision, and take action yourself.

Come on guy, a 50 year old should know better. Be honest with yourself, if your not going to be honest with us.

Hey!
Well reading all the answers and evrything... I don't feel you are wrong... love is something that comes from the inner self and you have no control on it. I respect your passion... n simply advise you to continue with your life...
Don't be jealous with anything... the fortunate thing for you is that you have your lover wclose to you.. so be happy... don't think about anything else... There's nothing wrong with what you are doing... and don't feel envious.. reading your notes,it comes to my mind that your love is really faaithful to you and in any case he won't go away.. so just keep on loving hm and be happy!!

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Originally Posted by lighty

I am not holding on to him. I will be happy if he wants to make a separate life for himself but it should come from him. It should be something that he wants not something I force on him.

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Geez , I've just read this whole thing and what a mess.

Your just making excuses for yourself , if you really thought it was the right thing to do you would just DO IT!!

Don't make it out to be his decision.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Don't try putting this whole decision on him. You have as much say as he does, don't you??

Shifting the blame now, is not solving the problem at all. Its just an excuse for you not to make a decision, and take action yourself.

Come on guy, a 50 year old should know better. Be honest with yourself, if your not going to be honest with us.

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Please do not say that I am not honest with you. You guys are the only ones who know about all his. I have bared my soul to all of you. Even HE does not know about this. These are my inner most thoughts. Respect them. I am not shifting the blame. Yes I am 50 yrs and can take a decision. But what does anyone gain out of all this but unhappiness, heart break? Yes I am committed to my wife in every way. My only fault is that I fell in love with some one else along the way and never realised when I committed to him as well. From what I gather from you guys is that I should give up one love and commitment and stick to the other one. Right? BUT WHY can I not have both... pleeeease?

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

You seem to think that there is a solution to your problem that doesn't involve being straight forward with your wife, the women you made a life long commitment to.

Do you even care or know what my problem is?

What do you want to hear? Do you want us to tell you that what you're doing is okay? How can we do that?

When did I request a judgement on me?

Yes, your wife is oblivious, which is why she's happy, or as happy as she can be without a husband who is completely committed to her.

There you are right. I am sure there must be something missing that she could sense but not put herfinger on

Your lover is also married, and it sounds like he's actually trying to make this marriage work, but you keep standing in his way.

Yes he is trying to make our relationship work. He married so that every one stays happy. Had he not married it would look odd. Remember he is 30 now and in our culture boys marry at 23-25

This sounds like a very dominating relationship to me. You've been together for a long time, started seeing eachother when he was still a young man, in need of guidance. You made yourself his whole life, and now that he's starting to find his own way, you're trying to keep him for yourself, you don't want to share, you won't let him go. This is selfish, like it or not!

Do you honestly feel that he would be wanting to go away at 30. Had he wanted to go away he would have done it a few years earlier. We truly are madly in love

I have no problems with homosexual relationships, I have many gay friends. What I have a problem with is the lies, the cheating and the fact that you will not let this poor guy even attempt to make his marriage (which was his choice) work.

Think you have forgotten that it was I who got him married. I chose the girl and mind you I have stakes in his marriage working. If I am jealous I do not tell him about it in so many words. He just knows it and talks to me about it. Remember love bestows upon you that extra sensory perception. Specially about your soul mate. Yes that is what we are. Soul Mates

If you really love him as much as you say you do, then let him go!

SORRY I cannot send him away at the cost of his happiness. Yes I can let him go if he so desires. and please do not sit in judgement on love. Love is God. Do not judge God.

There, honest enough for you?

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Well you tried.

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Originally Posted by JOX

Hey!!
Well reading all the answers n evrything....I don't feel u r wrong...love is something that comes from the inner self n you have no control on it. I respect ur passion...n simply advise you to continue with your life...
Don't be jealous with anything...the fortunate thing for you is that you have your lover wclose to you..so be happy...don't think about anything else...There's nothing wrong with what you are doing... and don't feel envious..reading your notes,it comes to my mind that ur love is really faaithful to you n in any case he won't go away..so just keep on loving hm n be happy!!!!!!!

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Thank you JOX.

Cheating is a big fault, and it hurts, and its selfish. You may not be able to stop the feelings you have for another, but you darn well could control them, and stay within the bounds of good behavior. You have crossed that line. When I say be honest with yourself, that means stop trying to justify what your doing, as being the right thing for you. For sure if you were honest with your wife in every way, she would be crushed, and so would your entire family. That has been my whole point through out this whole thread, your web of deceit has put your whole way of life in danger. That's the truth of the matter.

I also find it amazing how you expect others to be so sensitive to you, and understanding, but you are not, when it comes to the ones closest to you.

You've been given some very good advice, and still you ask for more.

I really don't know what you want. I think it's confirmation, approval, and we can't give that to you.

You asked if you could have both your wife and your lover. The answer is no. Stop being so greedy, so selfish and pick one!

You're 53 years old and you're acting like a spoiled child. It's all "I want, I need, I have to have". It's time to grow up, be an adult and make adult choices in your life.

Somewhere along the way you decided that you aren't like everyone else, that you can everything you want regardless of the consequences. Well, now the consequences have come to bite you in the butt and it's time to suffer the choices you made and continue to make.

I don't think there's anything more we can do to help you. Everything we say falls on deaf ears anyway. You don't want advice, you want the okay.

I suggest counselling. Maybe hearing someone say it to your face will make it sink in.

Good luck.

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

You've been given some very good advice, and still you ask for more.

I really don't know what you want. I think it's confirmation, approval, and we can't give that to you.

You asked if you could have both your wife and your lover. The answer is no. Stop being so greedy, so selfish and pick one!

You're 53 years old and you're acting like a spoiled child. It's all "I want, I need, I have to have". It's time to grow up, be an adult and make adult choices in your life.

Somewhere along the way you decided that you aren't like everyone else, that you can everything you want regardless of the consequences. Well, now the consequences have come to bite you in the butt and it's time to suffer the choices you made and continue to make.

I don't think there's anything more we can do to help you. Everything we say falls on deaf ears anyway. You don't want advice, you want the okay.

I suggest counselling. Maybe hearing someone say it to your face will make it sink in.

Good luck.

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Thanks for some very good advice.

No it is not falling on deaf ears. It has me thinking hard.

Today I have discussed these responses with my lover and he was wild with me for having discussed this with you guys.

I never wanted approval for my deeds.

All I was seeking was advice on how to control my jealousy towards his wife. I had expected you to tell me that since my lover has been so honest and sincere with me I should reciprocate by not feeling bad. You see when I feel bad it is not only I who hurt but HE who hurts at seeing me hurt. Then he gets upset with the whole situation and blames himself for being straight. What you have given me instead is the advice that the best way to overcome my discomfiture is to give it up altogether. That advice I think is not right.

My lover has always requested me to put our story into print. After reading all your advice I might just do that (with different names). Maybe I can make millions. Ha ha

Thank you all. I have made my decision based on all these posts and my circumstances.

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BUT WHY can I not have both... pleeeease?

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I'd like to express my last thought about this. Lightly, you originally wanted a way out of the "torture" you were experiencing because he was having hot, video-taped sex with his wife, a wife who you claim you chose for him and whose intimate secrets he shares with you. You got a lot of advice about the larger situation, the families, right and wrong, betrayal, etc. and that didn't please you. Nor did it answer your question.

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The problem is my jealousy.

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Reading the entire thread, it becomes obvious that what you really want is to keep controlling this situation and manipulating everyone in it. It's your property, your choreography, your way of experiencing love. It's not your nature to be selfless, but you want to give him something that is hard for you to give:Autonomy. That leaves you alone in bed, presuming you don't sleep with your wife, and that is impossible because you love him so much.

As hard as it is, if you truly do love him, let him go. Let him have a life that is straightforward, without deception and betrayal, and within his own control. As long as you control him, he can never be whole and you will be torn. By freeing him, genuinely letting him out from under your control, you can find the place in yourself that feels right. A completely generous act like that can liberate the both of you.

Hang onto the current situation and, while you might get more sex with him, you will eventually be found out. Everyone will lose.

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Reading the entire thread, it becomes obvious that what you really want is to keep controlling this situation and manipulating everyone in it. It's your property, your choreography, your way of experiencing love. It's not your nature to be selfless, but you want to give him something that is hard for you to give:Autonomy. That leaves you alone in bed, presuming you don't sleep with your wife, and that is impossible because you love him so much.

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As hard as it is, if you truly do love him, let him go. Let him have a life that is straightforward, without deception and betrayal, and within his own control. As long as you control him, he can never be whole and you will be torn. By freeing him, genuinely letting him out from under your control, you can find the place in yourself that feels right. A completely generous act like that can liberate the both of you.

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Yes! I think you have judged it right. May be subconciously I do wanna keep controling him and the situation. Thankyou all for showing me my true self. I promise to work towards doing what is right. I will keep your advice in mind. You guys have done a great job. Thankyou all...............

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Yes! I think you have judged it right. May be subconciously I do want to keep controlling him and the situation. Thank you all for showing me my true self. I promise to work towards doing what is right. I will keep your advice in mind. You guys have done a great job. Thank you all...

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Keep us posted, we'd like to know how things work out for you.

Good luck to you. :)

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Originally Posted by talaniman

so you have a secret lover, and your both lying, and cheating, on wives who have no clue your both living on the down low.

I find it amusing your jealous of him, doing the same thing your doing. I also find it very disturbing you expect him to act any different than you have taught him is acceptable.

You may not want to hear this, but whats good for the goose, is good for the gander. Get over yourself, and rethink your lying cheating ways, that are totally selfish.

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Amen!!

If you posted this question to get a sympathy vote my friend you are kindly mislead... Marriage is suppose to be the strongest bond given to two people... It is love the strongest of all and if you do not LOVE your wives then you should not be married... But from your younger lover it seems as if he might actually be in love with his wife. You my friend need to get your mind on track and open your eyes and see what you are doing... not only to your lover but to your wife as well.

So wait you are married to a woman? And have a gay partner? And he is married to another woman? You need to clarify.

What surprises me is that you have deluded yourself into thinking this is OK... no matter how much you guys love each other it is wrong to cheat period. Do you know or even care that you may destroy your wives. You are both selfish. And for the comment about making parents happy that is a cop-out how about growing some and telling them that you want your gay flag to fly you know... at some point in your life you need to make yourselves happy and not make your wives miserable tell them and then let them move on and be happy and then you can also move on and be happy.