You hit the nail on the head I think survivor, I only kissed this guy twice (and I know thts twice too many times before it gets said), he wanted me for sex but I said I couldn't. I am unfulfilled and think I may be trying to find that fulfilment in this guy for some reason rather than my husband.

Like I said I do love my husband and thinking of my life without him makes me sad. I think I have realised that men like my hubby don't come along too often, people are always telling me how lucky I am too have a guy like him. I think I may have taken him for granted after nearly 10 yrs together.

Ive told the other guy that I think we need to stop contacting each other and he said fine but I know he will get back in touch in a few weeks out of the blue.

I should be looking forward to my trip of a lifetime in 4 weeks with my hubby, and I do think it will be a good thing as to give me a little distance from the ex and a time to spend some quality time with the hubby. I don't suppose that you really appreciate what you really have until its too late, and many people feel the grass is always greener on the otherside.

As for others saying that I expect him too be single and a my beck and call, nothing could be further from the truth, id love him too meet someone and be happy, it's the ex that likes to contact me more often than not. I understand that the ex is single and can do as he pleases, but what hurts me is that hefeels the need to tell me everything about the other women when he knows it hurts me. Its like he is doing it out of spite because I won't be with him. He says that these other women mean nothing and he does not love any of them like he loves me. He says he thinks of me everyday, where I am and what I'm doing etc etc.

I need to be strong and do NC and stick to it

The other guy sounds immature. It doesn't sound like love either. How could it be? You were with him for a month during a separation from your husband, at the end of which he told you he wasn't ready for a relationship. You haven't had sex. You kissed. It just doesn't make sense.

You then go back to your husband... why? Because you were afraid of being alone? Or because you really missed/love your husband?

Then you stayed in contact with this other guy while attempting to save your marriage. Impossible. No wonder you feel the way you do right now.

If he was a decent man, he would leave the married woman alone.

He's a waste of your time. He likes to tell you about other women, and you listen! Why? If it hurts, then don't have any contact with him. That's the point of NC. Especially because you are married!!

You cannot have true intimacy with your husband while you're thinking of this other guy. If you had done NC when you reunited with your husband from the beginning, this guy wouldn't be an issue now.

The best thing for you to do is have a heart to heart with your husband while you're on your vacation. Tell him how you feel, about how the spark has been missing and that you want to get it back, as long as that is really what you want. If you don't and you don't love him, then you need to tell him that, too.

It takes two for the marriage to work.

Just be honest. Your husband deserves that.

Thank you for you reply again, me and the hubby have had the "where has the spark gone" talk so many times, and its fine for the few weeks after the talk but then goes back to how it used to be. Its like I'm living with my brother not lover, we sleep in separate bedrooms (coz he snores) not because we don't want to sleep together. We spend no time together and I feel like we have no physical intimacy.

When I got my with my husband after we split the other guy was calling me and I did NC with him for 9 MONTHS!! I was so proud of myself and was slowley and very slowley moving on. Everyday for the 9 months I thought of this guy and what he was doing etc, I'm so mad that I had a weak point and gave in to answer his texts. He will use any excuse to text me, e.g. a friend of ours passed away and thought I should know which was kind of him but just put me back ten steps.

Why can't I get the ex out of my head? Its been over two yrs since we split and I still thing of him everyday? But when we met up last approx 5 months ago I looked at him and thought that I don't fancy him hence me thinking this could be a case of it's the trill of the chase? But it does hurt me when he sleeps with others and rubs it in.

My husband is a good man, he will do anything for me and vice versa and if I could get this ex out of my life then we may have a fighting chance. I know that the ex is a compulsive liar (even his friends warned me over this) he just tells lie after lie, what hurts me me the most is that he told me he was just mates with this woman and then went and slept with her, I know I have no hold on what he does but its just the lying that kills me. I have found out he lies to me about loads of things from tiny little white lies to massive ones, what is really annoying is that even if I didn't have a hubby and say wanted to make a life with my ex, I just couldn't trust him so then that makes me think then what is all this about? Why am I even bothering with him when even if I did get together with him, if I wasn't married then I wouldn't be able to trust him? How silly does that sound.

I know that I need to put the effort that I'm using with the ex into building my marriage, oh I forgot to put in the above post that when I ask my ex why does he keep in contact he says that we have a bond, that he just can't walk away from me?

If I'm honest with myself which I try to be otherwise il get know where, I think the ex is using me as a filler in between girls, I'm so hurt and need to start this NC asap.

Thanks again for your help and sorry about the rambling on xx

I'll try to explain what I was trying to get across in another way and see if it helps any better. You are romanticising the past with him and remembering all the good times. Maybe he was even more exciting than your current husband BUT you need to remember WHY you broke up. IF you get back with him or even get involved with him enough to ruin your marriage the result most probably will be that you will regret that you kept playing this game with him because you will once again see (relive) exactly why you left him in the first place.

What do you think your husband would say about your guy on the side. Think he will take you on a monthly holiday? Or ride in your snazzy sports car?

That's one of the things that bothers me most, is how you take your husband for granted, and have so much emotion for boy toy.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

What do you think your husband would say about your guy on the side. Think he will take you on a monthly holiday? Or ride in your snazzy sports car?

Thats one of the things that bothers me most, is how you take your husband for granted, and have so much emotion for boy toy.

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I DO NOT take my husband for granted, I have made a mistake and are trying tp put things right, all you seem to do is put me down rather than try and help me. I thought this site was for helping people not hurting them even more than they are hurting? Maybe I'm wrong. Ive told the BOY TOY as you so nicley put it that I don't want to see or hear from him again and he has done that for the past couple of days but I know he will be back in a few weeks. That's MY PROBLEM - I tell him to leave me alone but he won't and then pulls on my emotional strings to get me to contact him.

Im not a bad person and I'm trying very hard to make this marriage works and not take the easy option of running away, it was my idea to book the holiday back in Nov when he contacted me again as I thought the break and distance would do me and my hubby good.

I can 200% say that il never ever meet this ex again, but if he won't stop texting me etc what can I do. He has even told me that he has come to my house some nights and sits outside. In June when it was my birthday he bought me a pressie and at that point he had not even seen me for a few months so he came to my house and saw that me and hubby were in and decided to go home and give the gift to his mum. This was at the time he had a girlfriend as well.!

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

I'll try to explain what I was trying to get across in another way and see if it helps any better. You are romanticising the past with him and remembering all the good times. Maybe he was even more exciting than your current husband BUT you need to remember WHY you broke up. IF you get back with him or even get involved with him enough to ruin your marriage the result most probably will be that you will regret that you kept playing this game with him because you will once again see (relive) exactly why you left him in the first place.

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Nohelp4u, thanks for your comment, I understand now more clearly your valid point. I wish there were a lot of good times that we had but most of the time he treated my like poo and ignored my texts whe we were together. We broke up because he couldn't commit (one week after sleeping with me), he said that he had too much in his head to deal with me and that he still loved me but couldn't give 100% to me. Ive since heard that he does this with all his girlfriends, he gets involved and then when things get serious he bails out and runs to the hills. When the split happened it was a wake up call for me, I assessed my life and what I wanted and realised that id been a fool to leave my hubby. I was honest with my hubby and told him about this guy and he said he too wanted to try again and move on which we did until 9 months later when the ex was calling me again.

This is the crazy thing about this whole mess, I don't even want the other guy deep down, I wish he would leave me alone and let me try and build my marriage, but after a few weeks of NC he is back texting me etc saying that we have this bond etc?

I'm just having a moment of weakness so thought it would be better for me to ranr on here then call the ex. Ive suggested that me and the hubby go to the pics tomorrow which we haven't done for years, the only quality time we spend together is walking the dog at night!! This is why I get so down, I've recently lost my job so have way too much time on my hands which is making me and my mind go into overtime wondering mode.

Excellent move, coming here instead of the ex. Also recognizing a problem (to much time on your hands) is half the solution.

There is much hope for you, as your figuring out ways to make yourself happy. Keep going.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Excellent move, coming here instead of the ex. Also recognizing a problem (to much time on your hands) is half the solution.

There is much hope for you, as your figuring out ways to make yourself happy. Keep going.

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Thank you for your encouragement, I don't want to hurt my hubby, that's the last thing I want. He has been there for me through thick and thin and I very much appreciate what he has done for me. My ex would never have done half the things my hubby does for me, the ex can't be relied on at all, he runs at the first sign of a problem then appears when he thinks all is well and good.

Ive got way too much time on my hands, due to me being made redundant I've not got loads of cash to splash so I try and do free things like walk the dog etc etc and it helps whilst I'm doing that but then I get home and realise that my problems are still there.

My ex hasn't contacted me in 2 days but I know that he is just biding his time tbh, he says we have a bond and that he loves me like he has loved no other etc etc

I agree with the earlier statement of you romanticizing the time you had with your "ex". You just really miss the excitement, the attention--NOT HIM.

Try to quit dwelling on the words "have a bond and he loves me". They're just words. They're crap.

Continue to work on your bond with your husband.

You said you told your husband about this guy when you reunited. I'm betting you have not told him about the texts, etc. because if you could, and if you TRULY did want the texts to stop, your husband might be willing to give him a good earful next time he calls.

I also think it's creepy if he's sitting outside your house (if that's even true. You said he's a liar). The guy sounds like a nut.

He's definitely a player. He's playing headgames with you. Stop letting him. Can't you block his number from your phone?

I still like the idea of having hubby answer the next call. He, he

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Survivor07;1665595]I agree with the earlier statement of you romanticizing the time you had with your "ex". You just really miss the excitement, the attention--NOT HIM.

Try to quit dwelling on the words "have a bond and he loves me". They're just words. They're crap.

Continue to work on your bond with your husband.

You said you told your husband about this guy when you reunited. I'm betting you have not told him about the texts, etc. because if you could, and if you TRULY did want the texts to stop, your husband might be willing to give him a good earful next time he calls.

I also think it's creepy if he's sitting outside your house (if that's even true. You said he's a liar). The guy sounds like a nut.

He's definitely a player. He's playing headgames with you. Stop letting him. Can't you block his number from your phone?

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Thanks for your reply, yes he has been too my house, he told my friend things he would only know if he came to my house. Ive not told my hubby about the calls because he would get mad and I don't want that to happen. The guy is a nut, he just uses me as a stop gap when he isn't got other women and then says that these other women mean nothing to him.

Your right when you say it's the excietment that I miss not him, as I'm not physically attracted to him and he is a nutter, but a nutter that gives me attention and tells me he loves me. The ex turned round to a mate of mine and says that he likes playing head games and that he has had a lot of practice in his life of it so is very good at it?? I can't believe he would brag about that.

He just isn't a generally nice person either, last week he called me a liar and that I'm crying wolf when I told him I'm not well and very scared about my health, just because I didn't want to tell him what was wrong with me (cancer scare), he told one of my male friends that "he can have me" and that he would nenver ever go back to me again, never ever!! He just opens his mouth and says nasty things to me and then thinks he can these apologise and say sorry later. I mean imagine how I felt, I'm sat here with a cancer scare and he turns round and calls me a liar.I think it is very childish behaviour.

He likes playing head games and that he has had a lot of practice in his life

This right here should be enough to warn you to not even answer any messages from him.
Look at him as a threat and his mission is to screw your life up. Sounds like he is out for revenge for whatever reasons he has formed in his little mind.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

he likes playing head games and that he has had a lot of practice in his life

This right here should be enough to warn you to not even answer any messages from him.
Look at him as a threat and his mission is to screw your life up. Sounds like he is out for revenge for whatever reasons he has formed in his little mind.

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Do you know what Nohelp4u, that was exactley what I was thinking, maybe he is out to screw my life up? Because who would say such nasty things about me if he loved me e.g I'm crying wolf or lying because I said I was ill and couldn't tell him why (because I didn't want him to worry over me) I mean, I could have cancer for gods sake!!

He just plays mind games. He will tell me something that will hurt me and il tell him not to contact me again, so he don't do for a while and at that point he knows its killing me inside not to have him in contact. Then I get over him and he comes back.

Is it just me or is someone that brags about being good at mind games no right upstairs?? I just don't know what to think anymore, he is screwing with my mind big time

There's no doubt he is creepy but this is what happen sometimes with the people you let into your life.

To be honest I wouldn't put anything past him because who knows if and when he is going take his creepiness to the next level.

To many things are happening in the news from people like him. Fatal Attraction somes to mind. I think your husband should know what is happening so he could be on the look out because you have a obsessed guy of the loose. Oh course he is going be mad, especially once he finds up you was keeping contact with this guy, but he needs to know and shouldn't be kept a secret.

Players hate it when someone gets away.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Players hate it when someone gets away.

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Sorry you lost me on that one??

He hates that your not with him.

I see, he don't seem like he don't care at the moment!! He is probably away with another bit of skirt as I type, that's what gets me why am I bothered?? I get so mad at myself for letting me be bothered. Then I start thinking of them in bed together and my mind is going into overdrive. Why do we do this to ourselves?? I've read a few posts on here from people who do the same (think of there ex in bed with someone else), I nderstand that relationships are a part of life but I wish I had just not asked if he had slept with her

You need to see him for what he is, jumping from female to female whenever he wants, and he is not an ex, because he has many women and you were just one. You got played and would have been played some more had you not ended it.

When ever you think of him, that's a sign you need to find something else to do with yourself. Make a meal for your husband.