Ask Me Help Desk - Can I get back with my ex-girlfriend after 2 months of no contact?

Quote:

Originally Posted by liz28

You don't have to send her nothing that is what distanting yourself from her is for.

Most likely if you send her a "final" email she would just more likely think your doing the opposite.

Your right Liz, I won't.
I realize now we didn't have anything in comon and she has this idea of chivalry that the man has to pay everything. I am more for equality, sharing. I believe that I should not feel obliged to pay but do it out of pleasure, and I did not feel this way with her. Because when I did not pay she would get offended and pout for hours.

She wanted a relationship based on her terms and often gave me ultimatums which I hated so much. She is not a flexible giver , more a high maitenance taker. She will never change, and I will just waste my time and energy. She often told me she wanted to be spoiled and wanted to go out a lot and travel a lot. My goal is more to settle down put some money aside and start a family.

You both where obviously on different pages, and wanted different things. That happens a lot. Better luck next time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmw0713

Yes it does help by allowing you to free yourself from the emotional baggage over time. It sounds like you two both need time to yourselves to find out what you really want and see what life has to offer.

Just keep sticking to NC. IF she wants to comeback, she will. She has to make this decision because she is the one who initiated the break-up. Best thing for you to do is disappear and enjoy being single for now. Every time you contact her, you give up a little more dignity and self-worth. Don't send anymore emails or initiate anymore conversation, because chances are you will make this worse for both of you.

Do you think time can make 2 people come back? Maybe if she dates a few losers and realizes what she had, she will want it back one day? Or once they say they moved on, all feelings are gone and never come back? I know I can do no contact and still be optimist for the future, but her, I don't know if it's disconnecting her completely and ruining any chance of reconciliation. But I could not go into the friend zone, I believe it's a fake friendship, I can't handle it. I think if she has feelings for me she will come back, if not, it will be a clean breakup. :cool:

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You both where obviously on different pages, and wanted different things. That happens a lot. Better luck next time.

I hear when 2 people really want to be together and love each other, different things, or being on different pages won't stop or break the relationship.

For us it was our level of interest. Mine was way up in the 80's and hers in the 20's
Maybe I became boring and less confident and less of a challenge for her and I lost control, she decided a lot what we did on week ends, I let her take control of the relationship and that was bad of my part. I know women like a man who takes charge and leads. After losing my job, it's like everything went downhill. But instead of understanding and being supportive she did the opposite and bailed out on me. Did I mention that on my birthday after our mexico trip, she gave me my present and then told me she had something to tell me. She said '' My feelings for you have changed, I don't have the same feelings for you anymore''. She said this back in September, 5 months before our breakup. I could have ended it then, but I did not want to risk going in depression and losing my job. So I decided to stay, and she finally ended it a month ago.:mad:

Sorry guy, but your grasping at straws, and the more details you give trying to convince yourself, is nothing but false hope.

Accepting it over, and doing other things with yourself, is your key to healing, as long as you leave her alone, and deal with your feelings of loss.

Doesn't matter what you heard , or even saw on TV anymore.

What matters is what you do with yourself now.

Quote:

For us it was our level of interest. Mine was way up in the 80's and hers in the 20's

You're reading too many Doc Love articles. His articles do contain some truth and good advice, but trying to gage interest level is almost impossible. It's like reading somebody's mind... you only really guess. If they're interested, they're interested. If they're not, they're not. The point here is you are trying rationalize why this relationship ended, when you should be accepting that this is over and concentrating on moving forward and learning from this.

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Do you think time can make 2 people come back? Maybe if she dates a few losers and realizes what she had, she will want it back one day? Or once they say they moved on, all feelings are gone and never come back?

Only time will tell... However, you can't let the remote possibility of a reconciliation with her fill your head with false hope. It is always good to be optimistic about the future, but you must be realistic. Very rarely do people ever get back together. It is not impossible, but the odds of this happening are definitely NOT in your favor.

The best thing to do is to move on with your life and make it the way you want it. When it comes to relationships, you can not worry about the ifs or the whens and the future, you should only worry about the here and now, as that is the only thing that matters.

You're here and now involves you taking steps to heal and move on from this busted relationship. It's time to think of yourself now and not about anyone else.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PirandelloLuigi

true, your right, i also told her that i still love her no matter what happened and i still want to be with her. i admit this was a mistake of my part because it no good to show your emotions, but i said this right after we broke up, in the first e-mail freshly after the breakup. So i think emotions were still high and i wasnt thinking right.

Happens to the best of us man.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PirandelloLuigi

i'm thinking of writing a final e-mail after the last time i see her next week. Saying that i wish her all the best and there wont be a comeback or reconciliation because i am moving on and im cutting the strings, i don't want her to string me along and keeping this false hope will only hurt me more in the long run.

No! Don't, no more e-mails. It's real hard to resist at first, I know, but try your best not to.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PirandelloLuigi

The things is i am confused to if she wanted a break or a breakup. That's why i am having trouble getting this closure. She did not say it's over final period. She said let's take a break and be friends, but i refused the friendship, so does that mean for her it's a breakup since i refused to keep contact?

Just like you admitted you made a bad decision sending her that first e-mail because you weren't thinking clearly, she more than likely said or did things because she wasn't thinking clearly either.

I'm the type of person that needs people to explain things to me clearly for me to understand. I need to know why things happen and how things work for me to really care. It's very hard for me to resist bugging any girl, even if I didn't like them, why they decided to end things between us. I can gather it is has something to do with me and all I can do is change my attitude for the better and think positive.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

Happens to the best of us man.

No! Don't, no more e-mails. It's real hard to resist at first, I know, but try your best not to.

Just like you admitted you made a bad decision sending her that first e-mail because you weren't thinking clearly, she more than likely said or did things because she wasn't thinking clearly either.

I'm the type of person that needs people to explain things to me clearly for me to understand. I need to know why things happen and how things work for me to really care. It's very hard for me to resist bugging any girl, even if I didn't like them, why they decided to end things between us. I can gather it is has something to do with me and all I can do is change my attitude for the better and think positive.

Her explanation was that we argued too often, that's why she wanted out, but i don't believe it's just that, in all my relationships there was arguments and we did not break up for that reason. relationships are like weather there's sunny days and rainy days.

When i called her on valentines day twice, she was in a bad mood and wasnt talking much, so when i called her the 2nd time and her mood was the same, i said : ''Listen i don't think i will come over your place tonight, you don't sound happy and we are just going to argue and i'll leave your place pissed off again'' so i didn't go.

She called me at midnight to say that she might as well be single than be alone on valentines. I told her it was not my intention to do this but her ty attitude just pushed me back because i was sick of her pouting and her tantrums. So she said she didn't want to be in this relationship anymore and i said fine goodnight.

She called me 3 days later to confirm she wanted out, so obviously this was a phone breakup. I said OK, you want to bail out again, this is not the first time she did this by the way. When she saw I did not try to save us like I usually did, she said let's take a break and be friends.

I said OK for the break but no friends. I can't fall in that fake friendship game. So I decided NO CONTACT. It's been a month and 12 days now. In this time I only spoke to her once at the dental clinic where she works, I had an apointment. It was a very brief hello how are you and what's new, that's it.

She seemed like a different person and happy. I do not know if she was faking it or just did not want to show emotions at her work. There was only 1 patient in the waiting room and nobody else around. Maybe her emotions were gone and got over it quickly.

Anyhow the dentist told me '' she loves you very much'' which I had trouble believing, I think she was just trying to make me feel better. I am going to ask the dentist if we can arrange my next apointments at the other clinic she works cause I don't want to see her anymore, I think it's ruining the no contact rule.

Slapshot_oi, I agree with you, I am the same, I would like a clear explanation, I like things clear and no doubts or ambiguities. I want closure. But whatever, if she can't do this than she is immature and does not deserve any more attention from my part. She never got dumped so she does not know the feeling, maybe one day she will get dumped and she will be heartbroken and then she will understand how it feels.

Important lesson I learned, you can't make someone love you as much as you love them.
The signs were there, she suggested we break up more than once halfway in the relationship. Clearly her interest was fading away, she did not care anymore as much. I was probably smothering her too much and was too available and not a challenge anymore. Predictable and boring. Why? Because when a woman does not show me interest well I change and become like this. If she is not responding and not on the same frequency as me, then we not on the same channel, I can become distant too.
Just some advice I would like to give from this experience: If you see her getting distant, get double distant. Don't be too available. Girls like to miss you sometimes. She told me this sometimes after not seeing each other for 5 or 6 days, ''i missed you'', And she was more affectionate at this time. She also was more affectionate when I got her a gift.

In my head this is not healthy. I think she is accustomed to casual dating, since she never had a full time committed relationship. In casual, she probably did not spend much time with the guy and was happy to see him after a week or two. Since we were serious, she probably had a hard time seeing each other often and found it overwhelming.

What's your take on this?

Listen, if your going move on than do just that but you can't do it by having one feet inside the door and the other out. Both of your feet needs to be out of the door.

Who cares what she realizes in the future? You already saw what type of person she wasn't. She just wants you to spend, spend, and spend some more. If she really wanted to be with you she would be with you regardless or not if you lost your job.

You already stated that she is all about money. She wants you to buy her whatever she wants, take her on trips, take her out to fancy restaurants, etc While you want to save and put away for a rainy day and for your family in the future. This is why it didn't work between the two of you otherwise your would still be together, right?

Let go and move on! You live your life and let her live hers.

Quote:

Originally Posted by liz28

Listen, if your going move on than do just that but you can't do it by having one feet inside the door and the other out. Both of your feet needs to be out of the door.

Who cares what she realizes in the future? You already saw what type of person she wasn't. She just wants you to spend, spend, and spend some more. If she really wanted to be with you she would be with you regardless or not if you lost your job.

You already stated that she is all about money. She wants you to buy her whatever she wants, take her on trips, take her out to fancy resturants, etc While you want to save and put away for a rainy day and for your family in the future. This is why it didn't work between the two of you otherwise your would still be together, right?

Let go and move on! You live your life and let her live hers.

;)
Your absolutely right Liz, She lived on a day to day basis, I live for present and future. You know the fable ''The grasshopper and the ant'' ? This was exactly how we were. I worke hard to save for tomorrow and save in case of emergency or hard times (recession, loss of job, etc.. ) I spend for what I need and wisely. She was the opposite, wanted a wedding in the caribbeans, a nice diamond ring, a new car etc...

Yes I save, but I am not cheap, I also spend, I am thrifty (careful with money)
Yes in the end this is why it did not work out between us. Money.
It never was an issue for me, but it was for her. In her traditions or culture, the man always has to pay for the woman. The man is the provider.

I think it's nonesense, times have changed, women have a career and good jobs now, it should be equal, sharing. I did not earn a lot more than her and I had more bills to pay.
But like you said Liz, If she left because of money or because I lost my job, she is not worth my time and she is shallow. I cannot have a future with a woman like this.
She will find a ruch guy who will spoil her and one day probably will dump her for someone better and she will be broken and maybe learn a lesson from that.

And you will probably just as unbudging in your attitudes and break up again when someone doesn't agree with your way of thinking.

What you had was a failure to work together, even though she clearly laid it out for you, and honestly, why should she change?

Walk away, and stop putting her down to cover your own BS!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

And you will probably just as unbudging in your attitudes and break up again when someone doesn't agree with your way of thinking.

What you had was a failure to work together, even though she clearly laid it out for you, and honestly, why should she change??

Walk away, and stop putting her down to cover your own BS!!!

I agree with you, why should she change? She did not love me, she would never change for me. I changed for her, I was much more patient and endured her bad behaviour and bad attitude, but no more. Enough is enough. I will be better off financially and mentaly. No more emotional abuse, no more manipulation to get what she wants.

Honeslty Tal I got no BS to cover, I did all I could to make it work, there comes a point where you got nothing left you can do, it's the end. The point of no return.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmw0713

You're reading too many Doc Love articles. His articles do contain some truth and good advice, but trying to gage interest level is almost impossible. It's like reading somebody's mind...you only really guess. If they're interested, they're interested. If they're not, they're not. The point here is you are trying rationalize why this relationship ended, when you should be accepting that this is over and concentrating on moving forward and learning from this.

Only time will tell.... However, you can't let the remote possibility of a reconciliation with her fill your head with false hope. It is always good to be optimistic about the future, but you must be realistic. Very rarely do people ever get back together. It is not impossible, but the odds of this happening are definitely NOT in your favor.

The best thing to do is to move on with your life and make it the way you want it. When it comes to relationships, you can not worry about the ifs or the whens and the future, you should only worry about the here and now, as that is the only thing that matters.

Your here and now involves you taking steps to heal and move on from this busted relationship. It's time to think of yourself now and not about anyone else.

Thanks guys I been feeling better, today I took my car and went to the mall and bought some stuff, spoiled myself a little, and I started to look at other women again, felt good.
Tonight going to a bar and have a few beers with some friends. Life goes on, I feel like a free man again and it's a good feeling. Yes it is possible to feel like this after a breakup, believe it or not. Guess what? We are not alone, a lot of people got dumped, I was at futureshop in the video game section, even the clerk working there told me he got dumped 1 week before valentines. He quit school, he was depressed. I told him buddy I am living the same thing, hang in there.

I am going to focus on getting back on my feet, getting a new job, gym, going out, making new friends, keeping busy, and putting the past behind me. Work on my confidence, control, and being a challenge again.

I know I might drop in the depressed zone again, usually on the week end it starts again cause that's when we were together the most. I feel lonely on the week ends. I start thinking of what we did together and I miss it.What can I do? Nothing. :eek:

Quote:

Originally Posted by PirandelloLuigi

Thanks guys i been feeling better, today i took my car and went to the mall and bought some stuff, spoiled myself a little, and i started to look at other women again, felt good.
Tonight going to a bar and have a few beers with some friends. Life goes on, i feel like a free man again and it's a good feeling. Yes it is possible to feel like this after a breakup, believe it or not. Guess what? we are not alone, a lot of people got dumped, i was at futureshop in the video game section, even the clerk working there told me he got dumped 1 week before valentines. He quit school, he was depressed. I told him buddy i am living the same thing, hang in there.

I am going to focus on getting back on my feet, getting a new job, gym, going out, making new friends, keeping busy, and putting the past behind me. work on my confidence, control, and being a challenge again.

I know i might drop in the depressed zone again, usualy on the week end it starts again cause thats when we were together the most. I feel lonely on the week ends. I start thinking of what we did together and i miss it.What can i do? nothing. :eek:

Good for you.Its not an easy journey but with the right tools and a positive attitude you can accomplish anything you want :)

Quote:

I know I might drop in the depressed zone again, usually on the week end it starts again cause that's when we were together the most. I feel lonely on the week ends. I start thinking of what we did together and i miss it.What can I do? Nothing.

Make a plan to do something beside sit on the pity pot, on the weekends.

Its time to make plans with friends for the weekend.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

That wasn't the smartest thing to say. That just gave her all the power to make the decision.

She already had the power since she decided to take the break. All I did was tell her I won't do the friends thing. NC until she wants reconciliation. I should have said a timeframe, but then I did not want to sound like I was giving her an ultimatum. I remember I told her over the phone don't take too long or it might be too late.

Anyway I believe in ''if you love someone set them free, if they love you they will come back'' if they don't just accept it. You can't force them to love you.

Threads merged

-Should it be the dumper or the dumpee to start talks for reconciliation?
-If the dumpee decided to do no contact.
-how much time after the breakup can this be a possibility?
-How can you know if the dumper still has an interest in coming back?

These are all variable factors depending on each individual situation, but the standard would be that neither party should be initiating any reconciliation following a break-up.

There are reasons that people break-up, that doesn't change when they go back to the relationship.

Yeah but you forget this wasn't love. Love didn't live between the two of you. Maybe you loved her but she didn't.

She was all about what you could do for her and when you could no longer provide the things she wanted, she left.