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Originally Posted by jjwoodhull

You were raped. Report it right away. Stop this creep from doing it again. You have just told your story to complete strangers and no one here is judging you. Why would the people who love you judge you??
I'm sorry that you have had to endure this. Tell your fiance. If he is not supportive, then he is not the man you think he is.

Good luck.

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As a police officer you learn that Rape is about the only crime that has a bigger mental impact on you than it does physical. This is the reason it is unreported, as you blame yourself and fear blame being placed on you by others. She is more afraid of others telling her it was her fault, and also afraid of people not believing her. There is a statistic out there (been awhile since I have studied this stuff) that I believe says 33% of all rapes are actually reported, it may even be lower... it just beats you down mentally, and sticks with you for a long time... even the OP has trouble coming to terms with the fact that she WAS raped...

WOAH, OK, let's tone DOWN on the raping part. Bronxteacher80, you have to take this one step at time. I'll summurize everyone's thoughts.

1) Go see a doctor to get checked out. Your health is the primary concern. I'm not sure how long ago this all was, consider the morning after pill?

2) From all the facts, you were intoxicated and clearly do not remember being raped. It seems pretty clear that it was rape, but it will be really difficult to prove with minimal evidence. If both of you admit that you were really drunk and can barely remember what happens that night, everything falls.

3) I think that it is more important that you learn from this experience and grow as a person. Everybody makes mistakes. We cannot put the entire blame on the guy. Yes, 85% it is the guy's fault, but 10% you could have drank more responsibly, 5% your friends should have been watching out for you.

4) Then comes your fiancé. You're going to have to confront him about it. Counselling is a good suggestion, but let's wait and see his reaction first and go from there.

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Originally Posted by I wish

WOAH, OK, let's tone DOWN on the raping part. Bronxteacher80, you have to take this one step at time. I'll summurize everyone's thoughts.

1) Go see a doctor to get checked out. Your health is the primary concern. I'm not sure how long ago this all was, consider the morning after pill?

2) From all the facts, you were intoxicated and clearly do not remember being raped. It seems pretty clear that it was rape, but it will be really difficult to prove with minimal evidence. If both of you admit that you were really drunk and can barely remember what happens that night, everything falls.

3) I think that it is more important that you learn from this experience and grow as a person. Everybody makes mistakes. We cannot put the entire blame on the guy. Yes, 85% it is the guy's fault, but 10% you could have drank more responsibly, 5% your friends should have been watching out for you.

4) Then comes your fiance. You're going to have to confront him about it. Counselling is a good suggestion, but let's wait and see his reaction first and go from there.

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This is almost the point of why people don't report rape. Kind of like, "If you wouldn't have been wearing that dress to begin with, the guy would have never thought you were even attractive." The most important thing here is that this guy own up to what he did, one way or another. Her being drunk doesn't matter. She shouldn't have to watch how much she drinks just because some idiot feels the need to take advantage of her.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

This is almost the point of why people don't report rape. Kind of like, "If you wouldn't have been wearing that dress to begin with, the guy would have never thought you were even attractive." The most important thing here is that this guy own up to what he did, one way or another. Her being drunk doesn't matter. She shouldn't have to watch how much she drinks just because some idiot feels the need to take advantage of her.

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I agree with you. Rape is definitely an under-reported issue. But the problem is, most of the time it is very difficult to prove so people see no point. But... justice has to stand for something and I agree that this guy has to own up to his actions.

So Bronxteacher80, report the incident, we will all support you. But just be prepared to answer a lot of questions that require proof, which can also be fustrating.

I strongly believe that you should learn from your experience. This guy is not someone you and your fiancé should be friends with.

I'm siding with KC here, you can't blame her for this. No one should have to worry about how much they drink or what they wear around people because they might be inviting a predator. Taking away a persons rights to wear what he/she wants is wrong, and what he did was 100% WRONG

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Originally Posted by I wish

3) I think that it is more important that you learn from this experience and grow as a person. Everybody makes mistakes. We cannot put the entire blame on the guy. Yes, 85% it is the guy's fault, but 10% you could have drank more responsibly, 5% your friends should have been watching out for you.

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I'm not going to give you a reddie for this, but I STRONGLY disagree.

It is NEVER acceptable for any person (male or female) to take advantage of someone under the influence of alcohol. Ever. And that is what this man did.

It doesn't matter how she was dressed, how she acted, etc. etc. if she was not fully conscious and able to agree to sex, he took advantage of her, used her, and yes, raped her.

Under no circumstance should that be accepted.

People, I am strongly against the guy's actions. But we cannot blame 100% on 1 person. That is not the way it works. Getting hell drunk and being extremely vulnerable is not the way to go either.

I hate to play the devil's advocate, but did I miss some facts somewhere? What is the guy's side of the story? How intoxicated was he? Would he have raped her if he wasn't intoxicated? Any lawyer defending him will just tell him to tell the judge that he was too drunk to remember what happen and he's off the hook. The justice system sucks, but it's really really tough to prove this case.

There is a reason drinking is only permitted for people over the age of 21 in the United States. It is a highly toxic drink that prohibites you from thinking clearly.

The issue with rape being under reported is not one of proof. Too often do the victims think they are law enforcement agents, but they aren't. Let the cops do their jobs, and you, as a victim, do yours and report this awful crime. Rape isn't under reported for lack of proof, but for other things going on inside the victim's head.

I don't understand... do you think she was raped because she was drunk?

I was under the impression the entire point of turning 21 was so you could drink as much as you wanted as long as you were responsible. She had nothing to do with some guy removing her panties and raping her. Alcohol doesn't do that, it can't take your clothes off for you. That is 100% this guys doing...

Rape is a one way crime, per the definition. Had they committed a crime together, say, a robbery, or theft, then yes, she would absolutely be to blame. That isn't the case though. She was clearly raped. Are there things that she could have done to avoid this, perhaps, but had he not raped her, everything would be fine, so hindsight is always 20/20.

Ok, I think we're mixing up my opinion on this matter and what is objectively speaking.

My opinion is that he should be in jail for what he has done. But objectively speaking, it's going to be extremely difficult to prove.

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Originally Posted by I wish

Ok, I think we're mixing up my opinion on this matter and what is objectively speaking.

My opinion is that he should be in jail for what he has done. But objectively speaking, it's going to be extremely difficult to prove. So I don't want to give her hope that he will serve justice.

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I realize this, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't at least go to the cops. This kind of logic is why rape is so under reported, because people start thinking like this. I am not saying he will do jail time, but she owes it to herself to at least report this.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

I realize this, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't at least go to the cops. This kind of logic is why rape is so under reported, because people start thinking like this. I am not saying he will do jail time, but she owes it to herself to at least report this.

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I completely agree with you. I thought I made that part clear. I just told her that she will need to answer tough questions when she needs to provide evidence. So I'm just preparing her.

I edited my wording in the other posts, so that it is more clear.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

I realize this, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't at least go to the cops. This kind of logic is why rape is so under reported, because people start thinking like this. I am not saying he will do jail time, but she owes it to herself to at least report this.

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If she goes to the cops, she'll be asked if she wants to press charges, right? You can't just go to the cops and say "Frank raped me". It seems it would lead to a court case.

I truly hope she tells her fiancé. If she has him behind her, it would be a comfort to her and maybe she'd have the strength to stand up to this moron in a court of law.

I didn't read the other posts but I really think this guy had it planned the entire night to take advance of you. You shouldn't blame yourself because you are the victim and nobdoy asks for this to happen to you.

I think you need to tell someone you trust. If your fiancé love and trust you his anger wouldn't be towards you but towards his so-called friend who is suppose to be his best man.

I think if you continue to hold this in it could lead to depression and if your fiancé really know you it shouldn't be hard for him to see that something is wrong and might start getting other ideas. Also, what about if his so-called friend tell him and fed his lies or start trying to blackmail you for sex. You need to tell him for your own piece of mind and sanity. Like I said earlier in my post, if he love and trust you he will stick by side.

Sorry this happen.

I didn't read all the post either but I'm going to pipe in.

Sadly it will be hard to get a conviction out of this. I'm assuming that you didn't go to the hospital and have a rape kit done? Also, the longer you wait to tell the cops the worse it's going to be. Should you report it? Yes. Will he be convicted, possibly but not likely. Sadly this is a case of he said she said at this point.

I was raped by my boyfriends best friend as well. I didn't know him all that well, he asked to stop by on his way to work one day, my parents where out. He said he needed to tell me something, he'd only be there for 5 minutes, I didn't think anything of it.

He had a broken arm at the time, a cast can inflict a lot of damage when someone uses it as a weapon. I was raped in my own bed, in my own house, and no, I didn't have a snow balls chance in hell of overpowering him. I never told anyone and I regret it to this day. I also felt like I was to blame. I let him into my home, I wasn't strong enough to fight him, so somehow that became my fault.

It's not your fault, you didn't consent, you were raped and he should have to pay for that. I guarantee, if he did it once, he'll do it again. Someone has to stop him.

Will this be easy? No. It's his lawyers job to make it look like consensual sex, like you agreed to it, where flirting with him, invited him back to your place, etc. etc. but hopefully, in the end, the jury will see the truth and he'll go to jail where he belongs.

We're here if you need to talk. Take care and know this, it wasn't your fault.

Really sad story, but I feel you should speak with a counselor ASAP, to have an objective person to guide you through the coping process, and give you the healing you need, so you can proceed to the next step.

For sure you bear no blame whatsoever for him taking advantage of your trust, and diminished mental capacity.

Guilt, and shame are clouding your judgment, and ability to do what's right for yourself, and deal with the possibility of having to see this fellow again.

Call your RAPE CRISIS CENTER, near you, to get some help right now. Then you can proceed to what's next.

Hope you get the help you need, by a professional.

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Originally Posted by I wish

People, I am strongly against the guy's actions. But we cannot blame 100% on 1 person. That is not the way it works. Getting hell drunk and being extremely vulnerable is not the way to go either.

I hate to play the devil's advocate, but did I miss some facts somewhere? What is the guy's side of the story? How intoxicated was he? Would he have raped her if he wasn't intoxicated? Any lawyer defending him will just tell him to tell the judge that he was too drunk to remember what happen and he's off the hook. The justice system sucks, but it's really really tough to prove this case.

There is a reason drinking is only permitted for people over the age of 21 in the United States. It is a highly toxic drink that prohibites you from thinking clearly.

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Well he is not here to tell his side of the story but don't you think if he were that intoxicated as well he would have been just as "passed out" on the floor somewhere and unable to get his pants off let alone hers?

Was this guy still at your place the next morning or did he leave before you woke up?

If this were me and this guy was a friend I would be asking what the hell he did to me last night and if he were not there when I woke up I would be calling him on it.

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Originally Posted by Janmarie

Well he is not here to tell his side of the story but don't you think if he were that intoxicated as well he would have been just as "passed out" on the floor somewhere and unable to get his pants off let alone hers?

Was this guy still at your place the next morning or did he leave before you woke up?

If this were me and this guy was a friend I would be asking what the hell he did to me last night and if he were not there when I woke up I would be calling him on it.

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Exactly, we just have no idea what his side of the story is. We could speculate all day and night about what happened. Confronting him could be a first step, but we won't even know if what he says is true either. It's really really difficult to know what happened exactly.

I can tell you right now that his side of the story won't include admitting that he raped her, not unless he's a complete idiot.

She needs to go to the police, not to her rapist.

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If this were me and this guy was a friend I would be asking what the hell he did to me last night and if he were not there when I woke up I would be calling him on it.

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So, if you were raped you'd call up the guy that raped you to ask what happened? Really? Wow!

After I was raped I saw the guy that raped me in a club one night, I started hyperventilating, turned white as a sheet, almost passed out. My friends didn't know what was going on, I just begged them to get me the hell out of there.

Talking to your rapist is not an option that any woman that's been raped considers.