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Pat,
What the hell man?
You post an entire conversation here that is too long to even consider reading it all and want people to analyze it for you.
Im all for getting help here but I think therein lies your problem man.
You are analysing a simple conversation like this...
Whoa, you are thinking way too much and showing some major insecurities here mate.
What do expect to gain from scrutinizing and analysing this conversation so heavily?
Something is wrong here IMO...
Yes, LET HER THINK. That's her JOB. You being the guy, DON'T THINK unless she does something crazy. SHE HASN'T. Let HER THINK, YOU MAKE HER LAUGH.
Val, great Grand Central Station comment, and GREAT post about what happens when we are grieving!
Ok, so you met a girl... that's all that happened!! You are not ready to date seriously... you can date just to date and help you to move on... meaning meet new people, gain some great friends, other single people, have fun, feel connected, have some attention, BUT NOT TO WORRY ABOUT!. BUT YOUR JOB IS TO TAKE CARE OF YOU! You are not able to be in a serious relationship.
Again, all that has happened is you met a girl... but not a new girlfriend that you are trying to catch like you are fishing! Please do not analyze, worry, or try to understand everything. Who cares what she meant... you know what you are wanting and not wanting, regardless of her comments! Focus on your needs...
And yes, talking to others might make you miss your ex... very normal... so you may date to meet others and NOT YOUR EX... I would suggest changing your expectations and perception of your reality! If you can't do that, or you can't just go out and have fun without worrying about your future wife, and trying to get her to be the twin of your ex, then you don't need to be dating right now!
I hope you can relax and grieve, like Val said... GRIEVe!! Otherwise you will be some of that baggage at Grand Central Station! Haha You want to start your new one without raw baggage, you want your baggage zipped and locked!
Good luck!
The story continues...
For those of you who don't know, my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me and about a month later I met this girl through a friend and started seeing her. I jumped into it fast and we started going out every weekend to fancy dinners, a trip to NYC, etc. It was a whirlwind to say the least. She gave me several hints towards becoming official so I asked her despite reservations... we were official for a week before she told me she didn't want a title and we had a long talk and decided to go slow.
Since that conversation, I have not initiated any conversations with her. When she IMs me or calls me, I let it go to my away message or voicemail. I've responded probably 1 out of every 3 contact attempts from her.
During our phone conversation, she criticized me for not having a life outside of working 40-60 hours a week and going to the gym, even though I spend EVERY weekend with my friends, and have spent the past 7 weekends with her. I have as much of a life as I have time to have.
I talked to my best friend of 8 years (who I met her though) and I think to myself " does she do? She goes to school, does homework, messes around with me on the weekends and that's about it!"
Two days ago she asks my buddy questions about me. "Does Pat do anything else but work and workout?" "Why does he like committed relationships?" My buddy told her to **** off and leave him out of it... that's my boy.
So tonight, my buddy calls me up and says that this girl told him that she doesn't want to see me anymore because she "doesn't have time". Quoted word for word he says.
Lo and behold when I sign online tonight I IM her and she's all quiet. I ask her what's up and she said she did ty on her exams and that she's worrying a lot about stuff. I say "oh that's too bad, talk to you later!"
She says she'll call me tomorrow.
This weekend is halloween, and I'm going to this houseparty with my boy and I know for a fact that this girl will be there because they all hang out in a big circle of friends. This should be interesting.
I'm thinking about just ignoring her if she tries to contact me over the next few days and make her tell me all this face to face on Saturday night.
Seriously... the "I don't have time" excuse is the lamest excuse ever. This girl is a nut job, and as far as I'm concerned, I'm done with her. I realized that she was a rebound and I def lowered my standards on this one.
I'm sort of considering just keeping her around as hook up material, but I don't know... that's not really me.
__________________
Okay, Pat, I think you answered your question. Read your post again and see if you can find the answer.
If she does not have the time for you, why did you IM her? It sounds like you initiated the IM.
YES, ignore her if she contacts you. A hard catch that is won is a catch that is worth keeping. One that just reels in easily is a total throw back. (can you tell I really do fish? )
You can find someone better.
Look at it this way... If you were to get together and stay together, is this the way you would want to spend every day of your life for the rest of your life? I hope you say no.
If she says she doesn't have the time, find someone who does want your time.
Drop her like a hot potato
I IMed her because I hadn't talked to her in a week and a half. This was the only time I was online so I shot her an IM and asked her how her exams went. I also wanted to see if she'd tell me all that crap she was asking my friend, but she didn't.
You got to leave her alone. If she says she doesn't have the time, then don't bother her.
Erase her from you IM list. Period. This sounds very clingy and needy. I hate to hurt your feelings, but she does not seem interested.
From her IM back to you it is quite apparent that she is trying to let you down gently. Forget her. She is not worth your time.
I'm still going to go chill with my friends though. I don't care if she's there.
I know she's going to bring all of this up at some point. I prodded her a bit tonight and she didn't come out and say it. She says she'll call or IM me tomorrow but I'm def ignoring her from now on. It's done.
I deleted her from my phone and buddy list. Now I just got to get through whatever drama awaits this weekend and move on.
I think you have the right idea.
It was too soon. She was a rebound, you went too fast. She went too fast.
It isn't meant to work.
You need time for yourself after 6 years in a relationship. I won't say that again. I don't thhink I can stress that enough.
What you did by rushing into somehting with her is why this happened.
She might be a nut job. But she also may have seen many things in you that are true.
You may come accorss that you are after commmitted relationships desperately. You may come across that you have no life (im not saying you don't, but maybe that is how you come accross).
I like your thinking though. Ignore her. You don't need or want her now. Don't answer her calls. Don't call her.
Just hang with your buddies for a while and learn about yourself.
I still think after the 6 year relationship ending that you probably have issues within yourself that need dealing with properly.
Quoted for truth. I did come across that way, and she even asked my buddy why I was so into commitment... lol!Quote:
Originally Posted by Skell
The facts are clear... I'm not ready, and I rushed into it, and she rushed into it too... remember now, she pursued me by initiating convos, etc.
Well, now that all of this is over, should I at least be friends with her or "friendly"? Or is this a person I can no longer have any contact with ever again? It'll be hard just to never talk to her again because I'll be seeing her when I chill with my buddy... it's pretty much impossible to avoid her forever.
Pat?
Seven threads authored by you and 200+ posts later loaded with lots of good advice from many peole and workable idea and you are still making the same mistake outlined here:
Girl breaks up with guy...
Guy goes crazy, feels hurt, doesn't recognise he isn't thinking straight, meets new girl, perks up on all that attention, feels some relief, totally rushes things...
Guy and new girl become item and fall head over heels... only it eventually goes sour...
Guy breaks up with girl...
Girl goes crazy, feels hurt, doesn't recognise she isn't thinking straight, throws herself at just about the first guy that comes along, he buys into it completely...
Girl and new guy become an item...
Meanwhile enough baggage accumulates for Grand Central Station and keeps us very busy in the Relationship forum. :rolleyes:
Do you really have a genuine interest in a way to break out that pattern or is this just a means of attention? Please know that I am asking that sincerely and with all due respect because it doesn't sound like much helping is really going on here... and I am as concerned about that as I am you.
Yes I do.Quote:
Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
At first I was kind of in denial, but now I know it was a rebound. It's just hard to let it go but I know I must, and face all of this stuff alone.
It's messed up, but lately, being with this girl has made me think of my ex more than ever. It's like my ex has sort of appeared in this girl... messed up I know.
Maybe I should just tell her this weekend that I was using her as a rebound and end it? Or should I just wait for her to do it? I think if I wait, she'll do it because she knows what's going on already.
Forgive me but you still are in denial. Its not about the girl, its about you. You need to focus on you and leave the girl out of it. Reread this last post of yours and notice where your attention is. Count the number of statements with just you in it and then the ones with her in it.
2 : 5 says you still don't get who it is about! (Doesn't make you a BAD person either, okay? Just in error, that's all.)
I know its hard and well, even a little scary to focus on you and admit there is where the problem is. But it is what stands squarely in the way of you getting any help at all. So help or no help-- the choice is yours and I honor it either way.
How do I focus on myself? I don't even know how to do that or what that means.
I graduated from a very good business school, landed my first job, and now I'm looking for a higher paying job in the city.
I am also looking at apartments in the city.
I am saving up for a new(er) car... right now I drive an Audi 90S and I'm looking to buy a used 2002 Mercedez-Benz 430 coupe.
I workout religiously and have a good body and I am in great physical shape.
I'm not sure what else I can focus on... I seem to have everything down.
The only issue I have is that I have a bad relationship with my parents and we constantly fight. I was also abused as a child. These are huge issues that I doubt will ever be resolved. It's just too complicated to deal with and involves way too many factors.
But on a surface level, most people are envious of my career path and goals and what I've done so far with my life.
Is that a real question or just rhetorical?Quote:
Originally Posted by PatBateman
Yes you have a great deal going for you but your "not sure" part is a key to this and I can help there, if you want it. I am just not sure you want it by how you answer here..Quote:
Originally Posted by PatBateman
I believe your relationship problems are tied in with some of that. If this is your way of saying you don't want help with any of it, I can respect that. And I would like to reassure you this: all that you list as unfixable here is only that because you say so. Otherwise, it is fixable -- many many people, including myself, have overcome and fixed that and more. Please bear that in mind when you consider your answer here.Quote:
Originally Posted by PatBateman
I am left still wondering... help or no thanks?
Pat my man - I think you're doing fine. You're learning experiences on how to dea lwith women. It shuld be fun!
I do thnk you should leave this partucular person alone. No IMing. Make her come to you if it's going to be.
"I'm thinking about just ignoring her if she tries to contact me over the next few days and make her tell me all this face to face on Saturday night" - that's a good plan. Make her come to you.
Don't get to drunk at the party so you can meet more women.
Help, if you don't mind and if you have the time and energy to post.
I must add that since my break up, I started seeing a counselor once a week, and that doesn't even help. It's like talking to a wall that gives occasional "yes" and "uh huh" responses.
To be totally honest and vulnerable, all I want is somebody who will spend time with me and love me for who I am and love me as much as I am willing to give. I want someone who will be my friend, who I can trust and depend on. I don't have that kind of love in my life, and that's why I sucked the life out of my ex because I needed more than she could give. My relationship with my parents is a business relationship... they provide for me, and I try to stay out of their way. They are immigrants, so they have old world perspectives when it comes to dicipline. I've talked to them about how they've hurt me but they say it was for my own good. I've resented them since I was in grade school.
Wow... now that's a lot of background info ain't it?
But yeah, if you can help, I'm ready to listen.
First relax, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you at all. Just remember that the things you listed about what you want, WE ALL WANT THAT TOO! Sometimes in our zeal to have that love in our life we move too fast, give power to the wrong person. It happens when we are insecure and so needy. Take the time to investigate more and be a lot more patient when we meet some one. Stop expecting them to be the one after a few months of dating, stop wearing your heart on your sleeve for al to have access to. Instead of going with one female, dating around more may give you experience in patients and what makes women tick. Do you think it telling that every female you date you end up in the same situation? Your trying to replace what you had. Until you move fom that spot then all you'll get is dissapointment. I think you need a few female FRIENDS, and not GIRLfriends.
I believe you want help and you've made a good start sharing some of your "inner" life, yes. And more vulnerable information gets more solution, I think. There are rules here to anyone abusing you with it too, okay?Quote:
Originally Posted by PatBateman
The counselor -- how long have you been seeing them and what topics did you ask them to cover?
I like the distance you have put in your parents relationship. Its self caring, self protecting while still,hopefully, respectful of them too. That is an important skill to have, Pat. Lets go find some more of those skills, okay?
Thirdly, that overbearing need you have (called intimacy and I don't just mean sexual either, okay? LOL) is normal and just being terribly mismanaged (by a guy who probably has skills up the ying yang he isn't using on this problem too -- we'll see!). It needs to be spread out among multiple sources so please make a list for me of other sources you currently have and don't have. Its okay to list it here, nothing confidential about it. Please don't pm me privately with it or anything; it works here so much better to help you and others too.
I don't have any female friends. None.
I didn't even know how to talk to girls until this one. Well, besides my ex.
I feel that all the girls my age are older than me. I feel intimidated and young. It's weird.
Maybe this girl can be my first female friend? She is nice... it'd be a pity to just let it go to waste.
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