Ask Me Help Desk - Musician boyfriend

Quote:

Originally Posted by ilovcali

Once again, please TAKE NO OFFENSE, but you're I think probem lies in your head, not your disorder.

They are all one in the same, ilovcali... eating disorders and self esteem issues are all "problems in the head". They are not made up problems in the head, but rather problems in the head one can get stuck in and require help. Please be careful not to tell someone who is depressed to "just snap out of it". It almost sounds like that is what you are saying here and I would like to gently impress you with it really does not work that way. No offense intended here, okay? :o

Hello,

Let me start by saying, you have a lot going on already without having a boyfriend in the picture. I don't think you are being irrational by breaking up with him because you think the environment is wrong for you. I think you are being realistic. I think you need to concentrate on yourself and work on yourself esteem. I know this can be a difficult thing, in fact I haven't quite figured it out yet myself.

I'm not sure how you can deal with the feelings if you stay there. I'm sure it would not be an easy situation to be in. I don't know if it would be a proper situation. It might be like a drunk going into a bar. Is your boyfriend supportive of you? Does he make it clear that you are the only one you want? I think you could make it through with the right partner.

Yes I think it would be very selfish of you to ask him to change his job. Especially if he is good at. If this is something that is important to him and something he did before you entered the picture, then I am not sure you really have any choice in the matter. e.g.. When I met my husband he smoked. I did not nor did I like it. Not once was it my place to tell him to quit or that I didn't want him to do it anymore. He would have to make that choice himself. Luckily he did. It would be the same as him asking you to just quit your illness. That's not really fair for anyone to say something like that.

From the sounds of it, you are not happy with his lifestyle. I would not try to change it, because he will only resent you for that in the future. I would just move on and deal with your own issues.

Have you thought about seeing a counsellor? I know they can do a lot to try to help you through your sickness and self esteem issues.

I hope this helps at least a little. I think you are strong and I think you can make it through this. It will take some time and some support. Take care of yourself.

I appreciate any one answered, val and auqa your replies were the most effective in my situation (I think because both of you kind of experienced what I am going through to a degree). The rest were a little harsh but I know they can not really put themselves in the mind of an eating disorder suffere, but val and aqua were you sick when you got involved in relationships, did you need couselling at the time or you just had great partners, and for my boyfriend I do think he is fuelling my insecurities not his job but his comments about other women and how one is beautiful , is it OK to appreciate (sometimes exaggerating other woman's beauty and overall persona in front of your girlfriend?

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovingu

i appreciate any one answered, val and auqa your replies were the most effective in my situation (i think because both of u kind of exprienced what iam going thru to a degree). the rest were a little harsh but i know they can not really put themselves in the mind of an eating disorder suffere, but val and aqua were u sick when u got involved in relationships, did u need couselling at the time or u just had great partners, and for my boyfriend i do think he is fuelling my insecurities not his job but his comments about other women and how one is beautiful , is it ok to appreciate (sometimes exagerating other woman's beauty and overall persona infront of your girlfriend?

Oh you probably aren't going to like my answer to this one lovingu. Sick or impaired people generally hook up with impaired people and healthy people with healthy people-- its not how I wanted it, its just how the world works. It won't surprise me that you attracted someone not healthy, okay? So until I got healthy mentally and emotionally, I was not able to attract a healthy person or sustain a relationship that worked with someone who wsa more like me. And this is why everyone here very often suggests work on thyself!

But none of this takes away from the fact that you aren't getting appropriate help, and that remains a problem.

Hi again, I have to admit, I don't usually read the answers received until I have all of my thoughts out. I don't want my initial opinion to be influenced at all. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. Anyway, I agree that most of the answers were maybe not exactly what you needed. Not everyone can understand your situation.

When I met my husband I was 16 years old and that was shortly after I started purging. I have had counselling on and off since I was about 14 years old for many different reasons. It's funny though because this illness has always been there. It's like no matter what is going on in my life, this is just a part of it. I have good months and bad months. I have a great husband, at least most of the time. He contributed to my illness for a few years without even knowing it. He was and sometimes still is not the nicest person, but no one is perfect. Let me tell you from experience, this is something that is best dealt with before you get into any serious relationship. There will always be problems but some of them are just easier to work out on your own. It would be easier to not have to explain so much to another person and worry about what they are going to think. I can tell you that my husband has no idea I do this. I almost told him once. Actually, I think I said it, but not really and he didn't connect the dots, but that was okay. I think it is most important that you take care of yourself right now.

I would like to say that a great partner will be there to support you through everything. I was going through a lot of things when I joined this group back in March and I wasn't sure my husband would understand things so I started talking here. Slowly as things came up, I got up the nerve to tell my husband about some problems I was having concerning my past and shockingly he was very supportive. We have been together for 13 years and if you were to ask me why I haven't told him and have only now told him about certain things, I would have to say because of myself esteem. We have been through a lot together and it is not always easy. I like what Val had to say about attracting the same type of people. I think she is right and I don't think you need anyone in-need for a boyfriend. That would only hinder you.

I don't think what your boyfriend is doing is okay. Especially if he knows how you feel. I think it was momincali or maybe LUNAGODDESS who said something about muscians liking the attention. I think they are right.

I don't think there is an easy fix to yourself esteem problem. You have to believe that you are worth it. No one else out there is better than you, no one is worse. You need to have faith that you are loved and you are important. You need to love yourself so that others can love you. I know this can be difficult when you don't even like yourself. I know exactly what is like to have an F&U (fat & ugly) day.

One day at a time my dear. Start little and don't expect too much from yourself. We are all human and we all make mistakes.

The laying problem about your insecurities are not going to be withheld by changing your boyfriends and their current careers.

I personally I have never suffered an eating disorder but I have suffered lots of insecurities and unaware feelings when I first meet my husband.

I left home, my country to go live with him in England. I was only 19. Before this I had everything done for me by my parents, to leaving and living alone was a big shock to me. I was naïve. I was introduced to his friends, some male and some female, some were even ex girl friends... can you imagine how that made me feel?

It took me a while to become head strong and realise that he is with ME and not them any more, I took me ages to accept things how they were, but I loved him so I accepted it, I couldn't change who he is and the lifestyle he led and the friends he had. We both agreed on a few things and COMPRISED.
That's what a relationship is all about my dear, compromise, acceptance, love, respect and all of these should be MUTUAL.

Thank u , u all are great for taking the time to help, I can not say more how much I appreciate it, it's been tough on me and I feel am not alone here, and every one is sincere to help. Thank you all so very much

Welcome, anytime dear, that's what we are all about at AMHD :)

Dang... I can't comment... I would just like to second what Krs said.

Nor can I aqua.. I need to spread some love around :)