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She told me her ultimate goal is to be with me once she knows for sure that there is nobody else out there for her.

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So, she wants to eat her cake and have it to? NEVER be anyone's Plan B! She's being extremely immature and selfish here...

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We ended that night on good terms and I have no clue how she feels today. I do not want her to be okey with the no contact rule because she will use that time and move on from me just as I am trying (but its not working) to move on and heal myself.

What do I do?

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The positive effects of No Contact don't happen overnight. You need to give it time to work. Trust in the experience of those who have gone through this before - you'll be glad you did.

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Originally Posted by A4Effort

She told me her ultimate goal is to be with me once she knows for sure that there is nobody else out there for her.

We ended that night on good terms and I have no clue how she feels today. I do not want her to be okey with the no contact rule because she will use that time and move on from me just as I am trying (but its not working) to move on and heal myself.

What do I do?

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Uh... well... with just a few billion people in the world it might take a little time for her to be "super sure" she can't find better than you.

*that really isn't a compliment, you know... "my ultimate goal is to be with you long term IF i can't do any better"... really? Really really? *

That's like saying my ultimate goal is to work in this job unless I find something better... or my long term dream is to poop strawberries unless I can't. At best, its not good. Well the strawberry trick might make you some coin, but ick.

NC is about fixing a relationship that is fundamentally broken... problem is, you don't know what "fixing it" means. You think it means she becomes distressed at the thought of losing you and *poof* suddenly all is well. Doesn't necessarily work like that.

She is NOT with you. She might cry to you. Tell you she misses you. Can't be without you. But ultimately she has asked you to step aside while she looks around.

You don't prevent her from leaving you by hanging around. You don't fix anything by keeping her close by.

You are scared she's going to use this time to move on... well, that's possible. When someone calls for a break, its absolutely possible.

Right now you are in denial about what you need to do for yourself. Not for her. Not for the relationship. For yourself, you need to live in the place where she has placed you... outside. And anything you do to supposedly ease the pain by being in contact with her is smoke and mirrors.

NC is about fixing a broken relationship. The one you have with yourself. Right now the desire to keep her close is more important that knowing reality... can she be without you and be OK...

Its something she's willing to see, and you aren't facing by being there.

You are being totally disrespected!

I love you and then there's this big BUT I think I can do better.

If she finds that she can't do better than you're the guy for her?

That is ,until the next time she feels the whim to look for something better.

She sounds like a spoiled child who wants to upgrade and you are being a doormat ,allowing it to happen.

Tell her to go find that *something* she is looking for and allow you to move on because you deserve an upgrade as well.

Yes, I always did feel like I was not good enough for her towards the end. You are all right.

Even if she did decide to come back to you how long till she found something better again?? You can't keep living your life with someone having doubts about whether their going to stay or not.

She sounds totally selfish to me and if she really loved you she wouldn't even be considering this for fear of losing you.

It is SOOO very hard to have NC when all you want is to be with them the way you were. But guess what? Things aren't the way they were. She actually is saying that there's probably better fish out there. So let her swim away. Don't be Plan B as the others have said, because that's what you are to her. For some reason, she doesn't want to be alone, so it makes her feel, oh, so safe and comfortable to know that good 'ole you will be around when she's had enough fishing. She is not in control of your relationship. OR is she? Don't let her have that. Before she takes away all of your self-respect, follow through with the NC. I believe there is someone else better out there for YOU! Best wishes

Eh HELLO?!

This is NOT NC, NC stands for No Contact. That means you don't see her.

Try it properly, it doesn't feel good, none of a break up does! But it does work... OVER TIME.

If not, just go back to being her lapdog, not healing, and waiting for the day she moves on and 'cant understand' why your so p*issed and upset? If you don't go NC, you will be crushed when you realise you were the crutch she leaned on to get her life back in order.


'I'll be with you when I know there's no one else out there'.. WHAT AN F'N B*TCH!!! I would have hit the roof... or crumbled into a ball on the floor, whichever came first! Instead you 'ended things on a good note'???? Dude! You are letting her make a complete a** out of you!

Warning-rated H for harsh and to the point!!

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A4Effort;1570212,

Well, I finally was able to let my ex know a few days ago that I wanted to have no contact with her in order to start my healing process. She somewhat understood but still was very hurt by it. After only one day of no contact, she came into my room and cried her eyes out. I did not support her while she cried because that is why I decided not to have any contact with her in the first place.

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So why did you let her contact you? Polite, but busy and unavailable would have saved you a lot of drama and being MANIPULATED. Especially since you told her you wanted NC. She blew that out of the water with her water works. Boohooing is the oldest female trick in the book!

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She broke up with me so that she could see what else there is out there and see if I was the one for her. She still loves me and wants to be with me. But I told her how I cannot be her emotional support while she dates other guys and heal myself at the same time.

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No she didn't, that's what she tells you to keep your nose opens. Just think, what if she does find someone else? If she doesn't it won't be for a lack of effort on her part, but where does that leave you now that your twiddling your thumbs waiting on her to take you back? Sound dumb to you? Please say yes with no "but" to follow.

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So than she brought up this promise I made her before I instilled the no contact rule about how we would go celebrate a recent accomplishment of mine. So, I decided to honor my promise and we hung out the next day. It felt just like what we used to have and we even had sex.

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But at the end of the day, she went back to looking for Mr Goodbar, even with the sex? Got one word for you,
MANIPULATED
USED
DISRESPECTED
PUNKED OUT
KICKED TO THE CURB... AGAIN!
Okay, I lost count of the words. The bad part is guy, there are a lot more words that apply here, but you can't see any of them. That should be a clue as to what's going on as you have clearly traded your dignity and self respect, for... P***y! And it whupped you again!

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Before we went out to dinner I clearly let her knwo that the next day I was going back to the no contact rule until she has made up her mind about what she wants. She told me her ultimate goal is to be with me once she knows for sure that there is nobody else out there for her.

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In other words your plan will be ignored, and hers is still fully active, hope you enjoyed the sex.

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We ended that night on good terms and I have no clue how she feels today.

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Yes you do, you just can't admitt it to yourself, but she is still checking out others and will probably contact you again for some nookie just to keep your nose open and your common sense stuck in your little head, which she owns, and controls.

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I do not want her to be okey with the no contact rule because she will use that time and move on from me

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You haven't even tried NC.

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Just as I am trying (but its not working) to move on and heal myself.
What do I do?

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Try NC for real, and stop BSing yourself. At least long enough to get some dignity and self respect back!!!

Well, I can't say that you are wrong. Damn, I feel like a fool again.

So, basically I should not even consider dating her again if she does come back to me. I love her a great deal but everyone is right how she is manipulating me and treating me like crap.

ARE YOU F'N KIDDING???

I wouldn't be able to look at this girl, never mind speak to her!!


Go out with her??


I wouldn't touch her with his?!

How could you possibly think that maybe, kind of, might be a good idea?

It's not.

Stop the pain, and regain a little dignity for god's sake man.


This may seem a little harsh, but you need to do this, and you need to do it now.

1. Do the NC. In two days re-read all of this advice.

2. Continue with NC. Every other day re-read all of this advice.

3. Repeat above steps.

Then when you do take her back and this happens AGAIN, you won't need to re-post your question.

Seriously, I know it's hard. You're not the first. You won't be the last. Learn from this.

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So, basically I should not even consider dating her again if she does come back to me. I love her a great deal but everyone is right how she is manipulating me and treating me like crap.

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If she did this to you once,she will do it again.
This is not love, she has no love for you.
If this is how she shows love,she is lacking as a human being.

She is spoiled and selfish and lacks any moral fiber... why would you want to be with someone like that?

Do yourself a favor and find someone who is worthy of your devotion and kindness,she will only use it against you!

Well, I am completely done with her. Yes, I did break the No contact rule but this time it was for good. I talked to her about us one last time and it clearly showed me everything.

She told me how she did not want to be with me at this point because she needed space. She needed this space because during the latter part of our relationship we started having problems in many areas. She told me that she wants to be with me, be committed to me, and eventually marry me. But for now she needs to be single. I understand how she needs space and be apart for me because of what happened between us. But, what I told her is I do not understand how she needs to date other guys while she is single. I told her that if she continues dating other guys that eventually she will completely loose me. She said that I was threatening her and manipulating her. I responded by telling her that what I said was a universal truth and would happen to anyone.

F**K it!! I am over her for good. If she truly loved me than she would not go out on dates. Instead she would take her time/space to be alone and think things through.

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F**K it!! I am over her for good.

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Good ,anger is good ,believe it or not, it is the beginning of one of the many emotions you will experience during the grieving process.

Now you can begin to heal... give yourself time,you have only taken the first step.

Thank you artlady for your help and support. I love your quote. That is my favorite Gandhi quote.

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Originally Posted by artlady

Good ,anger is good ,believe it or not, it is the beginning of one of the many emotions you will experience during the grieving process.

Now you can begin to heal....give yourself time,you have only taken the first step.

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*REPEAT POST*

If you read a lot of the literature on various websites etc. they generally come up with 5 stages that go like this...

The Five Stages of a Break Up

Denial:
"I feel fine, we still love each other." “She is still my best friend.” “We will always be in each others' lives.”

Anger:
"It's not fair!?" "I was always there for her and she was never there for me!" “That !” “That !” “She sucked in bed!” “ I couldn’t stand her friends anyway.”

Bargaining:
"If we just go to therapy it will get better." "I promise to visit your parents this Christmas.” “Just give it another chance.”

Depression:
"I can’t stop crying." "I want to die.” “I will never date again.””I’m going to die alone…” “I’m unlovable.”


Acceptance:
"We are better off, not together." ”I am content and happy with myself.” "I welcome a new start."

A4... look, I wish I could say I'm glad you are finally in the right frame of mind, but I'm not. At least not completely. Its not like all is better and happy times are here again.

Its going to suck. Being pi$$ed helps. A lot. The more I was emotionally "kicked in the teeth", the easier it was to fight back when I was mad.

She's not the devil. I think she's conflicted and confused... but I also think she has her best interests in mind, not yours.

You are not over her.

That crap takes time to shake. Some days are good. Some nights suck like hell. Its just the truth.

So... glad you're getting a little pi$$ed. You should be and you need to be.

I'm not one to prescribe playing mind games. I think its dangerous. But IF she ever comes back, you need to be in a power position... where you feel like its your choice, not hers. That she needs to be with you and she's willing to risk a lot for that.

She has a lot to prove to you.

You don't have anything to prove to her.

Please remember that.

Yes, you are just mad now, it will turn to missing again before it is all over, and if you "break the rule just one more time" it just makes it worst again.

No contact works, but it will be a couple months before you are ready to say you are over and still won't be completely

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Originally Posted by kp2171

she has a lot to prove to you.

you dont have anything to prove to her.

please remember that.

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This statement really hit home and I never thought about it this way.

I just wish this would process would go a little bit faster because it is affecting my life in ways it shouldn't. It is affecting my school work and my social life. I wish I did not live two rooms down from her because I can see her anytime even if I am doing my best to keep no contact with her.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

yes, you are just mad now, it will turn to missing again before it is all over, and if you "break the rule just one more time" it just makes it worst again.

No contact works, but it will be a couple months before you are ready to say you are over and still won't be completely

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Very true! After two full months of NC I thought I was "over her" and then along comes an email from her to say Hi and see how I was doing and I feel I took a step back by replying. Now I miss her again and even felt like calling her tonight. But I didn't break NC dammit!!

I guess we just have to go back to NC and keep moving forward, little by little it gets easier but it is EXTREMELY important that you do not know ANYTHING about her. This is key to not thinking about her and getting hurt with new info which you don't really need to know.

Good luck