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It hurts so much to really love someone and you will never be able to help change them and save their lives:( It sucks Im going to move on but its just so painful because I thought he was my soulmate. Is their any tips that anyone can give me to help move on and leave him behined. I love him but my children ' are my life so he's got to go. How do you break up with an addict?
The same way you break up with anyone else but be very certain that he does not have any way to contact you or find out where you are. Junkies are desperate people and they will go to any length to get what they need or want.Quote:
How do you break up with an addict?
Protect yourself at all costs and do not encourage him by saying we can be friends,You can't be friends with a user.
Make it clear,you want nothing to do with him now or in the future.Don't give him any false hope.
Thank you
I feel your pain. It's hard. I don't know why you think he's your soul mate, though. Really think about who you are and what makes you happy and what you need and want from a relationship. I'm hoping that drug use isn't something you're looking for in a man! A soul mate would be someone with similar values, morals and beliefs. Simply tell him that you and your children come first and you do not want his kind of life style--the drugs, police, jail etc. --in your future. You've heard of red flags showing up when you're dating someone? Well, this is one huge red flag flying right in your face. No matter what he says, don't believe him. A wise woman once told me that you know a drug addict is lying if their mouth is moving. End it. To make it clear, you need to cut off ALL contact. There will be no happy ending with this guy. Trust me when I tell you that time will make it easier. Every day that goes by without this guy in your life is a step in the right direction. It's not really him you will be missing. It may be you just want "someone" right now and that's okay. He's just not the right one. There will be others. I promise you that. Raise your standards. Try to smile and do things for yourself. You and the kids are No. 1!https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/images/smilies/smile.gif
Survivor07 Thank you for that advice It opened my eyes to many things :)
Get rid of him, as wanting to change, and actually doing it, are two different things, and until he does change, leave him alone, and protect yourself and your family. Your wise to be scared.
On march he will be having court his parents are wanting to get his case dismissed and stick him in a rehabilitation center. He's willing to go there . I will try to be strong and leave him alone not anwering his calls . But I think anyone deserves a second chance in life.
You're welcome for the advice. I just hope you take it. He's willing to go to the rehab because it sounds a lot nicer than jail. Yes, be strong. When you feel like contacting him, write to us instead. And, yes, people do deserve second chances. That's why there are rehabs. Many of the same people will return to the same rehab time and time again, though, throughout their lives when they're not in jail. That's the reality. That's why I say move on. You do not have to SETTLE for someone who has this many problems so early in life. You need to BELIEVE that you deserve better and that you WILL find him when you least expect it.
When someone is in rehab/jail, they will make calls to ANYONE on the outside who is willing to talk to them. The calls won't mean anything more than he is able to talk to the "outside" for a while.
Another point: People who are "forced" to go to rehabs by their loved ones or the court system RARELY change. They need to really, really WANT to be clean. And that is pretty rare in itself.
Try to keep this in mind and try to think of things you can do to keep yourself busy, try new things, go different places. That's how you will meet new people. Enjoy your children while they're young. They do grow up so fast and you can't get these days back either. Remember, if you're going to have a "father figure" around, have it be someone they can really look up to and learn from and, especially, be safe in their company. Keep posting. I'm counting on you to do the right thing!
But he has had his second chance already. And it sounds like several more besides. Regardless, YOU can't help him. His parents can't help him. Nobody can help him except for himself. And you have enough on your plate being only 22 and having 2 children. You don't have time to try to help him deal with his issues. Your focus has to be your children. You don't have to avoid his calls. Just make them stop. Have your number changed and that problem is solved. If he sends you letters, mark them "return to sender" and send them back to him. It's not your responsibility to be there for him. It's sweet that you want to, but it's not your responsibility. Don't allow yourself to be put in the position of having drug dealers banging on your door looking for him.Quote:
Originally Posted by VAN5090
Survivor07 Thanks for more advice! It's been really hard these past days and a shock to have to find out that the person I fell in love with had been doing drugs and lying to me. He told me he was always broke and had no money , He expected me to pay for everything on Valentines Day and he said his car didn't work so he didn't evan want to use his car to come visit me, and then the last time I saw him he was asking me for gas money for school and That was a huge lie because that's the day he got busted buying crack on the street. Its hard but your advice has really helped me Im new to this internet conversations but at least I can express my thoughts and feelings and get good advice thank you.
Again, you're quite welcome. When one has been through some hell, it's nice to be able to try and save someone from the same hell.
That said, all the money you've given him has gone to drugs. It's true. I don't know where you live, but where I am a very tiny amount of crack cocaine, the size of an aspirin, can be $100 or more. That is a few "hits". Most crack users use all day and/or night. This is hundreds of dollars. Get it? Then they are awake for as long as two to three days at a time. They will use heroin to come "down" from the crack. Heroin also is the same hefty price. During this time they are under the influence, they will do and say things they normally wouldn't. Things such as have sex with strangers or prostitutes. This is very common with crack users. They are not thinking of anyone else, not their girlfriend, their wife or their children, not their jobs or school or probation officers. They are not thinking of the brain damage they are causing themselves or the sexually transmitted diseases they are contracting, from the sex or the shared needles. They will steal. They will be violent. This is all true. If you research this, you will see. If you stay with him, you will live it.
I'm sure your money could have went to better use.
A person with a criminal record like his is not going to get a decent-paying job any time soon either. Times are tough enough right now as it is for the law-abiding citizens!
Another red flag: Your date or boyfriend should NEVER ask you for money or make you feel as though you should give it to them.
I was just curious as to why this man attracted you in the first place and how long you have been together. I'm needing to know more background as to why this guy is at all appealing to you. It' okay if you don't want to tell us. Keep your chin up.
P.S. I know you posted that he's been your boyfriend for six months. But did you know him prior? Because, if not, then this time last year you didn't even know he existed. Just something to think about.
It's fine ask all the questions you want , I met him threw work I started around 04/26/08 Its actually more then 6 months now that I think about it . When I met him I was having problems with my ex husband he had left me and started changing on me and I was going threw so much I had to hire a divorce attorney and I didn't have my licence so it was very hard because I Had become dependent on my ex husband, but on August 18 I got Divorced and My licence the same day.
Me and this guy had a quick connection We started talking to each other and laughing and he knew I had my daughters and was getting a Divorce as soon as he met me . He's a really good person with a huge heart and it is very painful to have to let him go , you know it hurts that I will never be able to help him out of the hole he's digging himself in .
I can tell you from experience of a former heroin addict that it is a very hard thing to kick. The only thing that got me to quit was having a girlfriend who I actually loved more than the drug. If you get out of the environment where it is readily available it makes it a lot easier to quiit. Tell him to move out to the country or something with you were you know there isn't any dope. If he tries to make excuses why he don't want to move, it means he don't want to quit the dope, then you should leave him. I was only using for about 6 months so it wasn't as hard for me to quit as someone who has years of history in the , I think he's probably hopeless by this point.
Jwiz88 Have you ever been to a rehabilitation center if so What was it like ? Whiere you able to have visitation? I fell in love with this man and its just so hard to let him go.
I know how hard it is to be forced to leave the one you love. Survivor07 is exactly right in her last post, well her second to last post. It all starts as just a little and then it turns into a little more, until the person is so wrapped up in it the only way they will quit is if they go to jail. When people are on drugs they make really stupid decisions. Like Survivor 07 said, they will have sex with anyone, they will rob anyone to get the drug, they will do anything when they are coming down to get that high that they crave. It is a horrible cycle. I was forced to leave my daughter's father, like I said previously, and I totally didn't want to do that. I had moved out to California to be with him and got pregnant with our daughter. So, when I did leave him I had to go to a domestic violence shelter because I had no where else to go. My whole family had dissowned me the day I started dating him because they knew that he was bad news and they were trying to protect me. Before my daughter was born I did a lot of stupid things and made a lot of mistakes because he brang me down. He grew up with a crack headed mother and a father who was on heroin who came in and out of his life, so that was all he knew. I have seen the way drugs effect a persons life first hand and it isn't pretty. When I got pregnant, I knew that I wasn't going to stay with my daughter's father because I knew that my life had a purpose since I got pregnant. So, I left California for three whole days and turned right back around and got on a plane and went back to him because I loved him. Well, he was using really heavy drugs for the next 7 months and I had meth heads in and out of my house, having to worry about my stuff getting stolen or having to worry about drug dealers getting pissed off and coming to rob my house. I had to deal with the cops coming over to my house all the time and making me look like I was a pregnant woman on drugs. I spent about $50,000 in two years with my daughter's father during all of this time. I got beat up the whole time, I had to deal with my daughter's father's mood swings when he would come down off the dope. It was horrible, I couldn't get out though because my mom had gotten me out and I went back like a fool. I lost everything that was important in my life, my family, friends, money, self esteem, self worth, everything. When my daughter was finally born I KNEW that I had to get out before she got taken from me and I truly lost the most important thing in my life. So, I took as much as her stuff and got in my car and drove to the police station to have them help me, I never looked back. It was the best decision that I EVER made!! Now looking back at the whole situation, there was so much more to it than what I have said, I am lucky to be alive. I thought that I would be the one to SAVE my daughter's father and turn his life around and help him to become a good person. I thought that I could help him get away from the drugs and have a normal life, but I was totally wrong. He is the only one who can help himself. It has now been four years since we separated and he is still on drugs, the last time I talked to his dad he told me that he just got out of jail again and that the only time he calls him is when he needs money or needs to get bailed out of jail. It is a really sad situation, just be thankful that you don't have kids with this dude and you don't have to be attached to him for the rest of your life!! You can cut the rope now and let him do all of this on his own, because no matter how much you love him or what you do he will not change unless he wants to. He can't do it for you, he has to do it for himself. Please don't go down the hard road to learn this lesson like I did, it is really hard to deal with. Good luck. When you miss him, think about your babies and their future. You don't want their step dad to be a drug addict. Most drug addicts relapse multipule times before they ever become sober, if they ever do.
I appreciate your thoughts on this matter but for someone young with two children, who has not been in this relationship a substantial amount of time, I feel like you are feeding into the denial that this is a SERIOUS problem and NOT her responsibility. It is wonderful that you had someone to support you, but given her circumstances and the user's issues and the fact that there are children involved, keeping her on track to walk away for her own benefit is the best thing to do.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jwiz88
When people break up with someone, whether the relationship is healthy or not, they are looking to make excuses for their partner. Right now she has to think of her children first, which is hard, but it is what she has to do to get her children in a stable environment. Not the excuse to be her addicts lifeline.
Loving someone more than the drugs? No. Sorry. Not in this situation. Actually, I've never seen it happen.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jwiz88
You don't have to tell him to move out to the country. Tell him to take a hike.
As if! You should uproot your children and move for this guy!
Listen, I was once divorced and it is very, very easy to "fall in love" with the first man with whom you feel a connection. It's so easy to latch on to that person because you are going through a life change. It is EXTREMELY common. No shame in it. It's human nature to want to feel needed, desired and loved.
You weren't single for any significant amount of time. You didn't allow yourself to feel independent and strong. It's a very good feeling when you know you can stand on your own two feet, which is not easy when you are taking care of yourself and your girls. Adding a drug addict to that doesn't make sense.
You have not been with this guy long enough to feel as though you should help him through this, when in reality you can't help him anyway. It hasn't really been long enough, in my opinion, to have real, deep feelings of LOVE. I do understand the hurt, though, of being without "your love". Time will make it all but disappear.
You can support someone who is in rehab by being there to listen to them and telling them you love them and you're proud of their accomplishments. BUT that is not your responsibility to this "man" who has done nothing but lie and steal and most likely cheat on you as well. I would understand if this was your brother or some other significant person in your life. He is just a guy you have latched onto for the past six or seven months. He in turn latched onto you, too, and why not? You gave him money, sex, and "love". He was able to do this so easily because you were vulnerable at the time he met you. Had you taken the time to detach from your husband emotionally and time to establish yourself as an independent woman, you probably would not have looked at him twice.
I do not mean to sound harsh. I do feel your pain. Remember, I've been there.
Right now you have no strings to this man. By that, I mean you do not share a lease, you do not have children together and you are not pregnant. That means you can walk away.
You are 22. When you are 32, you most likely will have a completely different outlook on how you see the world and the people in it. You have a process of maturing to get through. However, what you do and who you do it with NOW will shape your life in the future.
And, yes, like everyone else is saying, I agree 100 percent that you need to put your girls first. But you need a life, too. There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship or dating when you're a single mom. But you need to be very choosy when it comes to allowing men around your girls, and for that matter, allowing the girls to see you being with a man who is not their dad. Being 22 and a single mom is one tough job. Doing it right is not for the weak! I was much older than you when I got divorced, so I can only imagine how hard it is to see other single young women your age going out and having a social life without worrying about babysitters, etc. Raising kids alone isn't easy no matter your age.
Be strong. There will be others!! I mean it. Men who will ask you out, pick you up in their vehicle and take you to dinner, buy you flowers... not ask you for money and lie to you and use mind-altering drugs. Hang in there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by VAN5090
If he does not want to quit the drug then you need to quit him,
Im trying to get my good friend off crack right now and its
A let me tell you.
p.s. keep your head up
Good advice Stang. I'm curious, though. What are you doing to help your friend kick crack?
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