Ask Me Help Desk - Frustrating secret

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaz_89

saying, "why are you hanging out with him he doesnt go to college anymore he just works now" and "people can tell a lot about you by the people u hang out with" and "hes a bit of a loser, take a leaf out of your brothers book" so basicly shes a snob dont you think?

It's a bad way to think and stereotype.

One of the richest people I know personally (not a super rich guy, but a millionaire by 35) was a guy who worked for a living, no college. He actually mowed lawns. What would your mother say about him? After a dozen years, and building up the business to be one of the most successful lawn care companies locally owned he sold it and the rest is hi$tory.

And I have to tell you... a college degree doesn't make you a winner. I have two degrees. I taught at a university. But I never judge a person based on their educational experience. Its just a bad line of thinking.

She's had bad experiences. She's not likely to change her perception easily, if ever. I do agree that parents see things their children don't always see... Lord know I WISH my daughter listened to me when she dated a loser for a year. Took her almost two years of frustration to get him out of her system.

But that stereotypical thinking is just not a way to live, in my opinion.

Yeah I totally agree. I mean his boss wants to give him and his brother the business when he retires you no and he could be successful, not that I care too much about money, but yeah I agree with you that college and degrees aren't everything, its not everyone's thing anyway. Its going to take a long time... or never, for her perceptions to change, so I'm thinking I'm going to have to stick to my guns and tell her about me and my guy, and keep to my opinion of things. Do you think that's a good idea? She is just very good at making me feel guilty, using "i have spent so much money on your schooling and pocket money and you throw it all back in my face by going out with a loser like him!" you know she didn't even give him a chance. And how is that throwing it back in her face if he's a decent person and makes me happy. She says "look at yourself, you should be going for someone higher in society stop bringing yourself down by going out with him" it makes me upset.

Your mother may simply be afraid of you "growing up" and becoming someone that doesn't need her anymore. On the surface, her guilt trips and lectures may be telling you "you can do better", but they really might be saying "please don't leave me alone".

As others have said, you want to have a calm and rational dialog with your mother about your life and your future. You want to avoid any kind of "blow up" and emotionally charged "demands".

She may also be afraid you will grow up and have the same problems with life and marriage that she had.

As parents we have already been where you are, and probably made the same mistakes you have. We look back and can now see how to avoid those mistakes, so we try to teach our children not to make the same mistakes we made.

You say your father "drank" his wages. She is most likely afraid that this boy will turn out like your father.

That said, yes, you do need to sit her down and have a calm rational talk. Don't forget to tell her that this will probably not be the only love in your entire life. Just the first. She needs to understand that you know you will make mistakes, but the only way to learn from them is to make them yourself.

Thank you, yes I think the only way to sort this out is to sit her down and talk to her about it. The thing is I have already and she doesn't listen to me, this is why we have been together behind her back. She is very difficult. Anyway, if she doesn't listen again what should I do? I mean I'm not going split with my guy just because she won't let me make my own decisions, a lot of people think I should stick with him, I think I should too, but I just hate having my mum hate me and putting guilt trips on me 24/7 to talk me out of being with him... its really tiring.

What does your guy say about all this? Just curious.

He'll do anything to be with me, he is hurt by what my mum has said about him, obviously. He just wants her to accept him just like I do. Why?

6 months is so short a time to wait as opposed to starting a big old fight and if you move out the relationship between mother and daughter is going to be strained. Just curious what does your mother plan for you to do after high school? Have you two talked about it?

Yeah she wants me to be a professional dancer. I'm at a dance college and doing a degree in a yr at another school. I'm not sure what I want to do with it yet but I know that my mum wants me to be a performer. I've told her that I'm not sure yet, she didn't take it too well. I know that if I tell her about my guy she will say "no wander u dnt know wat u want to do yet with your dancing its because u want to work it out with him!" but I really don't know what I'm going to do with it yet, that's if I get into the college.

No matter what she is always going to try to blame him for things that you do. I know with my wife's mother, same experience. It is up to you what you decide to do. Whether your mom speaks the truth or not.

Joe

Joe is right. In everyone's life they have to grow up and make their own decisions about how they want their life to be and be willing to accept the consequences. After reading your thread, you are facing a decision about your life and it is you and only you who can decide the path you take as an adult. No matter what anyone says only you know what makes you happy and what you want to do with your life. Good luck to you in whatever you decide.

Thank you both, you are really helpful. Joe you seem like you've had a tough one too, so what happened when she stuck up for herself if you don't mind me asking?
I got ready and went downstairs to get my shoes to go out and meet my guy, obviously not telling my mum I was meeting him, and she said "you better not be meeting him kayleigh! if you are there'll be hell to pay!" and that really scared me. I was almost ready to tell her and she says something like that today, after not talking about it all summer... also if I tell her and me and my guy don't work out, (even though rite now we love each other very much) I would havt just ruined the relationship with my mum, she's only just starting to gain trust bak in me from keeping this from her before you know? Its driving me a little mad.

It will only get worse before it settles down and gets better. I will pm you later and tell you more of the story. Lets just say getting married almost never happened, I was so close to just giving up because it was a huge struggle but eventually when we kept certain people in a distance and stayed away my wife and are were able to be a lot happier. Honestly it is not you ruining the relationship with your mom it is the other way around. Your mother should be supportive no matter what. If she is so hateful and controlling that she will make your life hell. You need to get away from that anyway. There are no guarantees that your love will work out, but there is no guarantees for anything in life. Your mom might want to spare you that pain but at the same time whether she realizes it or not she is preventing you from making your own decisions no matter what that is not being a true mother. She sounds like she wants to live her life that she never had through you and that is not fair to you. No matter what she should always love you and support you and if she does not. It is time for some tough love. If you are going to treat me that way. I do not want anymore contact until you realize what is important. I want you to be happy for me. That's it. You want to cause me pain then you need to stay away from me and I need to live my own life. I think it is better that you do this after you turn 18. As 18, you can say I am an adult and I have the right to make decisions for myself. I am not a child and do not treat me like one. I gave a lot of advice to my wife as well because they had so much control over her and they did so much guilt trips on her and she had such a hard time with her family. She had a hard time making decisions for herself because she was always told what to do. Then when she stood up and said I do not need this, I do not need to hear this and so on. I was the one that stood up to her sister and that is when things got real bad. I was tired of the way she treated my wife and myself. My advice though is that you need to be the one to stand up to your mom. Your mom scares you, she has such a hold on you. Part of the growing process is facing up to this and changing it for your advantage. It is your life. The guilt trips will come and probably continue, the hatefullness will come and they will try to do anything to break you up because she is afraid that she is going to lose you. When I proposed. Talked about moving in. Oh, she is old fashioned she wanted us to wait for marriage. One time I was rubbing my wife's belly and when she went back home her mother gave her a third degree and told her it is not time for her to have a baby. To wait 3 years. She was 27 at the time. At times before getting married. She would not even allow me to stay over but her sister and her boyfriend lived together but that was not a big deal. When I proposed to my wife and her mother new. My wife was so excited and she wanted to show her mom the ring. Her mother would not say a word. She was not excited and she hated the idea. The only words that came out of her mouth is, is that diamand? There was times when other family members would invite us to family get togethers. I was told by my wife that I was not invited, because her mother told her it is only for family. Each time she would go, everybody else was wondering why I did not come. My wife would make excuses like I was working or this and that, but each time it was her mother telling her it is only for family. There is so much more. Her sister threatened to crash the wedding. She was the maid of honour, then she turned evil and hateful and I said to my wife if your sister is at the wedding I won't be there. That is how bad it got. Why should I feel like crap and scared somebody is going to crash the wedding. I want to be happy that day. I think it would be easier to face up to your mom now, go through the hell that will come with it and move on. This is your choice though. Or you could live alone with your mother until your 30 and possibly go through all this stuff later. I think the longer you live it the harder it will be. Ultimatley it is all up to you how you handle it and it is abvious how much of a control freak your mother is. A mothers job is to raise a child to be independent and when it is time to let the bird fly out of the nest and learn how to fly alone. She may not think it is time for you but that is all your own decision. Lets wait and see how she reacts to you seeing this person. I have so much I could say and I could be rambling now because it is like 3 in the morning. Hope I helped but I have and my wife has experiances so much, and still are to a certain extant. Tough love approach with no contact works wonders. Oh, you, one other thing a year ago or more we experienced a miscarriage. She was and I was worried about telling her mom. She waited two weeks. Her mom started giving her the third degree about how she is her mother and that she should have told her right away. All I could here my wife say is I respect you mom, I respect you mom. What kind of crap is that. That tells you what kind of a insensitive, hateful, unhappy person this mother is. In the end though. I need to remind myself and my wife that what is more important then anything else is that we are happy together. We make each other very important and our family comes first. As long as we focus on that then we will not be effected by all that negativity. She knows now that whenever her mom starts. The phone calls stop until her mother gives in and is the one that calls us. Well anyway, I should end this now. Just something to think about. Good luck with everything. Remember, everything is worth experiancing even if it is really hard and tough because it will make you a stronger person. It will also probably make you and your boyfriend a lot closer. Later on the relationship with your mom if she is willing to except the sitaution will become better in time. My wife, myself, her sister and her mother even after all that are on talking terms. I have let go of the pain because that just causes more upset and more hatred. The bigest thing is not leaving it long, the longer you wait the tougher it will be.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

No matter what she is always going to try to blame him for things that you do. I know with my wifes mother, same experiance. It is up to you what you decide to do. Whether your mom speaks the truth or not.

Joe

Yes Joe I agree, I've also seen this scenario myself in my family. Dads mum was the same with my mum, she learnt to 'accept' mum as the years went by but with every issue that arose within our family i.e. money, children etc, mum was always to blame, and what kept my parents strong was their loyality and love towards each other and also putting each other first.

Wow you have been through a lot. Thank you for all your advice, I will definitely use it when I tell my mum. Its OK at the moment because she thinks there's nothing going on, she doesn't even know we talk, that's how much she doesn't want us together, we can't even talk! Anyway, before she used to check up on me where ever I went. For e.g. recently I was at his house, (told her I was with my friend nat) and she phoned me up and said "can i quickly ask nat something its impoertant" I knew she was just checking I was actually with my friend because she could have asked me to ask her, and its weird that she would want to chat to a friend of mine. Anyway I said to her that she had gone off with her boyfriend in the car and I didn't know where they went, and my mum got really suspicious and said "ok ill wait on the phone for them to come bak" I put the phone down on her because I had to get to the beach where my friend was. I got a lift there and she kept trying to phone me on my way there but I didn't answer. She text me saying "i know your with him, im coming to the beach now to see if your there" when I got to the beach I quickly told nat what had happened and told her to say she went off with her boyfriend. Then my mum came and I said "i told u i was here, i didnt answer ur calls cos u didnt believe me that nat had gone off" so that was lucky, and she said "ok im sorry its just how much u have kept from me u can understand" she went off and said shed pick me up later. Then I went walking to the other side of the beach while phoning my guy to say everything was OK. After I got off the phone my mum phoned me again saying "you just phoned him didnt you!" then she said "i saw u, ive been watching you from the car park on your phone" anyway that's how much she didn't want us together.
Do u think 5 months is a long time to wait to tell her? I'm 18 then. I'm just thinking of the best time to tell her. Last time she threatened not to send me any pocket money at my dance school which I really need for supplies, as I board at the school. She said "you can get him to send you money to support you then since you want him to much, im not sending you anything" and she didn't, my guy had to send me money, which I felt bad about.

You know what I see. I see you making excuses for your mother and trying to keep her happy. You need to stop running from your mother. You need to face up to her. If you keep lying and keep covering things up it is just going to make things harder in the long run. Stop with the excuses and cover ups. You do not need to live your life like that. Your afraid of your mother, but you should not be. If you want independence and you know your mother will make your life hell. Then you need to be prepared to begin to support yourself.

Yeah I no and you are right, I am scared, really scared. You think it would be a good idea if he came in with me to tell her? And I asked earlier, is 5 months too long to wait to tell her, since that's when I'm 18 or should I tell her sooner?
Thank you

Okay, what do you think personally is the best for you. Do you think that you should wait until your eighteen. Or get the ball rolling now. If your guy is man enough and wants to deal with this problem and you go through it together would be the best thing. That will show your mom that both of you are willing to stick together and show her that you both care for each other no matter what she thinks. In my opinion, what did I say in my post. I said the longer you wait the harder it will be. Your mature enough to do this now. Is your boyfriend prepared for this? Your welcome. I know you are looking for guidance and what to do. I can not guarantee a pretty out come but it is you that needs to make the decision and follow through with it. If this is what you want to do.

Thank you very much. Yeah ill tell her as soon as possible. I go bak to school on Monday so I guess this weekend will be the best time. Only thing is that I don't want to spoil the whole sumer by telling her before I go back to school. Ill have to sleep on it. I guess I should as I want to get it over and done with. Yes my boyfriend is prepared for this. Ill dress him up nicely and mae sure he looks spick and span then she can't say anything about his appearance. Thanks for the luck. Ill let you know how it goes. And if there's anything else I should know please tell me.

Good Luck kaz_89.
Walk in there wi your head up and keep your boyfriend close and hold his hands at all time in front of your mum.
Keep us posted.