Ask Me Help Desk - 5 Years, Break-Up, Back Together

Unlike some other posts on here I will not blame neither you or your girlfriend... that is if you guys are still together. What happened here is the classic case of two people getting into a serious relatonship at such a young age and expecting everything to be good without considering the fact that over time both of you will change in the way you think, feel, and at. I don't blame you for sleeping with this other girl because if you hadn't done it it was still going to happen later on. I've always believed that it is better to go through you trial and tribulations now at a young age, than be completely blindsided in your relationship when you are much older. I too dated my ex for 8 years at a young age and looking back now I am super glad that we are not together anymore. I've become a 100% a better person because of that experience but it didn't happen over night. I had to go on many dates and be put in many a situations to see the whole picture. For you to have had this one encounter and to think that you will not have those feelings anymore is completely bull. There may be at least 1% of truth in what you are saying but I think you are speaking from fear and the unexpected since ou've been so comfortable dating her for so long that you don' want to keep pushing forward to grow so that you can really know who you are and what you want.
Let me ask you, do you honestly think she has not been feeling the same way you felt before you dated your co-worker? Of course she has! I just think she had a little more self control but more so I think she had not reached the level of frustration that you had. My conclusion is that if you had not done what you did she was going to do it at one point or another too. Why do you think she hooked up with the guy soon after you broke up with her? Why do you think she took you back after you told her you slept with someone else? I think she did those things because she understands where you are coming from. She understands that you may have feelins that you may want to explore. You may be a beter communicator but that does not make your actions more noble. The real of thumb is this: If it happens while you guys are broken up then it is non of your business. Which explains why she didn't tell you a first. Just because you told her does not mean she has the right to tell you something that she feels is unnecessary to the survival of the relationship. Again, your actions is based on your thinking that she is "the one" and that she is this perfect work of art because she is all you know. Both of you made the ultimate blunder buy coming back to each other so soon. Give it time and experience the world without each other. You guys may never become boyfriend/girlfriend again but at least you guys can salvage some type of relationship. Honestly, you guys are/will destroy anything good in the relationship by remaining together at this time because you guys do not trust each other. Not only don't you guys trust each other, but one of you is bound to feel constraint again and do the exact samething. Its only a matter of time. Be smart, swallow your pride, and walk away from this for a few months and then see if things are still the same before you decide to jump right back into a relationship which you had given considerable amount of thought to leave from. Good luck.

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Originally Posted by EasyRider

The worse part is, she had sex with this complete stranger the night i broke up with her, new years eve. Some 26 year old bloke. I broke down, i cried, i was sick, i knew she had changed but i never expected her to do something like this. I know she was devastated when i broke up with her, but in my opinion, that is no excuse. She had sex with him without a condom, and we even went to the clinic together to get checked as she had some problems. Thankfully the results were clean.

She said she stopped him half way through, and told me she didn't feel right, she says it was 'horrible' and she just wanted me. She says she stopped it, but I'm not sure i believe it! I really feel that if she had stopped it, then she might still have more self-respect than I can account her for right now, otherwise i just dont know.

Thanks for reading. What are your thoughts?

She's probably telling you the truth, my ex-girlfriend did the same thing with a Frat-rat quarter-tard. And I've known girls I've never dated to do the same thing, and yeah, they even stopped the guy seconds/minutes into it. Some learn from that one time, others don't.

A lot of girls who get out of a long-term relationship will find any guy they can, and those guys are usually losers, they're just lookin' for someone to use temporarily.

My only thought is: don't ask, don't tell. Break-up, leave her be, and heal. If you try to fix it now you'll just ruin everything you've built up in five years.

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I hate to say the word 'forgive' now, because as you have all said, there isn't so much for me to forgive. I'll say 'get over it', it would make it so much easier for me to get over it, knowing she had that self-respect and inner strength to stop something I previously believed she would never carry out.

Call me what you will, that is just how I feel.

That's a good way to start looking at it. If you truly want to get over this, you first have to accept the consequences for your actions - only then you can start doing something about it. It definitely looks like you're on the right track as you've taken responsibility for it.

Tal is completely right - you also have to forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, god knows I've had my fair share.

It may take some time to get over something like this. I often find that shifting perspective helps a lot. Sometimes its not easy to understand why someone does what they've done, but it definitely helps by first putting yourself in their position and looking at it that way. I'm not saying that it makes those actions right or wrong, but trying to understand the reasoning behind someone's actions will help you get over what happened.

Also one other thing to consider is just because someone reacts a particular way under a set of circumstances, it doesn't necessarily make that person a bad person - they could have just had a weak moment. It sounds like your girl realized this and stopped it.

Now its up to you to decide whether you can live with this situation.

Just a note - just because she had a one night stand with someone doesn't necessarily mean she was over you. She must have felt insecure, sad, hurt, broken, out of place, unloved, unappreciated and she found herself in a club full of guys who were willing just like you weren't - it was a mistake, she has admitted that to you, she said she stopped midway through and she has said she is the same person... What more do you want? Do you actually trust this girl?! If you do, let it go and enjoy what you guys share, if not, you know what to do.

P.S. I would be a lot more annoyed if she did it with someone she had known while in the relationship

Thank you everyone for your support and advice, it has definitely helped me on my way, it has also felt good to write all this down and see it in front of me in words. Thanks.

I'm still contemplating whether to bring this up again with my girlfriend. The problem is, she just seems so over it all already, which I find hard to grasp while I'm still getting over it inside. It's still on my mind when I see her. I guess she's had more time to get over what I did, or perhaps she's just so glad to be back together. I don't know. I guess that's what I want to talk to her about. But then again, I don't want to keep bringing this up, I don't want to seem so insecure, but if talking about it helps me, I feel it would just be best for both of us. Gah, I don't know. She never really was one to bring up the problems in our relationship. You guys have helped me so far, maybe ill be okay just dealing with it by myself now.

So often we make the mistake of assuming how our partner feels, especially those things that are a big deal to us.

We think they feel as we do and when your in the middle of some intense feelings you wonder how they cannot be so affected as we are. What I have always done is focus on my own feelings and how to cope with them.

Time usually helps and building on the positive works well with me while my mind deals with the things I am struggling with. Your right though, its hard, but I think honestly expressing yourself to your partner is the way to go, and then never act on impulse with those feelings, by bad behavior or abusive language, especially during heated emotional encounters with her.

In all truth, you must remember that as you have feelings about being with someone else, NO DOUBT, she is dealing with the same thing about you.

Empathy for her feelings will help you get over your own.

The fact she is over it so fast is acutally good. She is not dwelling on it or trying to justify it or any of a number of things which really would be worse.

Getting over it is just part of the equation. You and your girlfriend need to use this conflict as a device to see what the true problems really are. Meaning when I fight with my husband, it is not the fact he did not put the lid on the toothpaste which is the real problem, it is usually something much greater like, I feel as if he has no respect for my space and am feeling cramped and devalued. Know why it is still bothering you and work on that and not the How could you's!!

And yes Get over it toooo!!

Biggest ******* on the planet... total immature douche... hope she runs from you fast and far you huge, pathetic sad sorry little loser. Now that is Bias... and also tru... jerkoff!