Update to my predicament. Painful breakup, college, and dealing with the pain.
Threads merged and edited again- Overworked moderator!
Hello everyone,
I can't believe I wrote this much. I apologize for the length of this post. I guess I needed to vent and get it all out...? Wow, I'd really appreciate anyone who takes the time to offer me help.
I posted back in March when I was at school in GA. I live in New England and go to school down there. Here is the link to my previous post from back then. It can help catch you up if you are interested.
So, in 2006, my first year at college, I met a girl. I'm old fashioned and picky so meeting her was really special because most people my age don't agree with the way I live my life. I'm an idealist, a Christian, and I try to live to be the very best man I can be. So I have trouble meeting girls that appreciate that. I should point out, I'm not stuck up, I don't think less of people, and I love enjoying life and all that. So we hit it off, we go out for three years. It was really the very best time of my entire life. Just good clean romance and fun. Unique times in my life. I'm not just glamorizing it. So on January 3rd right after my birthday, she drives me to the airport to return to school in GA. She spoiled me and bought me three video games and it was a real fun holiday season with her. At the airport, we hold each other for a half hour straight before I head to the gate and onto the plane. I give her a long kiss goodbye and we talk about how we can't wait until Summer to be back together. I get to my dorm in GA and 4 days later she breaks up with me via a Facebook message. She is cryptic and doesn't answer anything and doesn't return my phone call until 9 pm at night. So three years of bliss then that... I immediately consulted the internet for tips and advice and decided to go with the no contact gig.
My goal here has always been to get her back. Not to "move on". To be honest, aside from sitting around and working on my artwork and playing video games there isn't much to move on to. My mother and I live together, she is very negative and depressed and places a huge burden on me to keep her happy. She just broke up with her 3rd serious relationship right when my occurred. Her unhappiness drives me crazy and makes me that much more unhappy as well. I'm getting tired of working on crap alone in front of my computer! I like being social. All of my friends have moved away unfortunately.
SOO, back to my ex, I don't beg her and plead. Believe it or not I played the game from the start. I thought she would work a couple of those 12 hour overnight shifts at the factory she works at and then she'd remember how much she misses having someone who loves her. Weeks went by, I wouldn't hear from her. She took it well... WAY too well. I sort of knew something was wrong with that. That's not normal... 3 years together, talking to each other every single day, then over night nothing?? She sent me a text one night while I was riding the bus back to my dorm room in GA. She said "Hey I had an eventful day, how are you?" I tried to play it cool and said "I'm doing real good! Tell me about your day sometime." Weeks go by. I wrote the first post here. Then I get nervous. She was just taking it sooo well, aren't breakups supposed to be painful? I certainly was in pain, and still am actually. So when April starts, I decide to cut NC and see what happens. I call her twice during a week. I get zero response. I left no voicemail. So that didn't even make her curious. She signs onto AIM and I say hello, and just act very neutral and friendly. She says something like "We shouldn't be talking" and I'm like whoa what? She reveals that she thinks we should stop talking because she is trying to "deal with feelings she has for someone". I then crap my pants and fall over dead. Then I inquire politely even, trying to maintain my composure. She tells me his name and I ask how she managed to get so serious over someone in just a month and a half. I lose it and ask to hear her voice and she said she'd call me soon. She calls... and she's crying her eyes out over this guy because he told her he didn't like her and thinks nothing special of her. I pretty much don't know what the hell to do or say. After every sentence of hers she said something like, and I don't want to get back together! I wouldn't even ask! She would just fire that off at me! I'm trying to act cool and calm this whole time. I inquire some more, as fragile as possible. She says she met him at work. Then I realize that's the answer. She got the factory job maybe a year ago. And has been working 12 hour oever night shifts there ever since. She was just tired and grumpy when she came to see me all the time. She met this new guy there! They've been working together 12 hour shifts ever since last August! She even mentioned him once! I remember her telling me that she didn't mind work anymore because there was a friend she could joke around with to pass the time!
My time at school comes to an end. I cry myself to sleep every night. She says hi to me maybe twice by AIM and never calls me once! She just said hi once asked if I was OK. I said I'm fine but having a tough time at school focusing. I try to tell her my feelings finally. Since I was holding them in for months. She then says "Ok, well is there anything else you wanted to know? I just wanted to give you some answers and try to treat you better than I have." If I keep the conversation going she just says it again "Was there anything else you wanted?" As if this is a drive through window and she is supposed to be able to just enter and out of my life as she wants to and I'm supposed to be like "okay, that'll be it, have a nice day now, ya hear?"
She contacts a week before I come home on an airplane. She sounds happy/friendly for the first time since the breakup. She says things are going well with the new guy and was just wondering if I still wanted to meet up finally to talk and get closure when I get back home up North. She tells me she "misinterpreted" what the guy said about not liking her and they are "taking things slow". I'm reading that and thinking what the heck? I say "I think he sounds like he doesn't care about you." I asked "Why would you date someone who told you they don't think you are special?" She says "Hes getting better."... Can you believe that crapp? She is acting TOTALLY unlike herself and COMPLETELY out of her own character. Its like this is some different version of my old girlfriend. So she suddenly says "I was thinking we could maybe have lunch when you get back?" I agree calmly. We set a date to meet and a place to have lunch. I haven't seen her in 5 months remember. Last time I saw her I was giving her a long passionate kiss goodbye in January. I go to bed and sleep better than I had for the entire time I was at school. It was bliss and I had a burden lifted from me for one night... 8:00AM the next morning I get a text, I reach for my phone and its from her! I thinks its GREAT for a split second. She says "Hi, I dont think you and I can meet at all, we are dating now and I don't think its fair to him to see you. sorry bye." I call her right away hurt beyond belief. She picks up... I hear her voice for the first time in months. It was like talking to a stranger. I'll admit it, I was a nervous wreck. I couldn't maintain my calm and cool anymore. I asked her why she would make plans just to cancel them the next morning. She had zero valid answers. They were all very selfish answers. She just kept saying I'm dating W(the new guy) now and not you. I'd say that's not fair! You aren't even going to see me to give me a well deserved face to face conversation? She says no, no , and no. I break down start crying, wondering where I went wrong. She starts the whole drive through thing asking "is that all?" and it pisses me off every time I hear it. I try to remind her of the three years we had. She says stop thinking about the past, there's nothing let for us. I don't care for you anymore. I told her "if you keep treating my like this, you may never hear from me again." she just said "I'm fine with it." I'm pretty much dumbfounded. Sitting there wondering where three years of my life went. And who this girl was on the phone.
I get my finals in and make straight A's. So friggin what. I get to fly home soon. I'm all packed soon and have nothing left in my room but my laptop sitting on the floor at 1AM the day I go home. I get a text on AIM from her right before I shut the computer down. "Hey, are you home yet?" I hesitate for 10 minutes. I reply "no." she comes back with "Oh ok" I decide it's a good idea to pretend I don't care anymore. Even though I do, the same I always had. I don't want her thinking I'm clingy or desperate. I pack up my laptop and fly home the next day. That's he last I heard from her.
I get off the airplane and see the very spot where I last saw her with my own eyes. I nearly break down. My depressed mother was standing there instead. She tells me I look really thin and unhealthy. I found out later I lost 15 pounds while at school. And uh, I'm already a really thin guy so this was kind of a big deal. I know my mom, first thing she is going to do is force me to apply for jobs all around town before even taking me home to relax and pull myself together after traveling all day. She does just that. I eventually get home to my room.
Every day since then, I wake up, apply for jobs online and every now and then go in town to search for jobs then comeback home and eat dinner alone in front of my PC. I've repeated that every single day since May 29th. I still can't get someone to hire me. I have heard nothing from my ex girlfriend.
I met a cute new girl online (I know that's kind of lame but I can't seem to meet girls in person that I think are a likely match for me) and we had a date set up to meet and go have fun at the beach. We seem to hit it off and talk on the phone for hours every night for about a week. She canceled the date the night before and told me she is thinking of getting back together with her ex who is 28 years old and has two kids. She's only 23 and a single college student. She loves him still she tells me, even though he took advantage of her for her money and never bought a gift or even a greeting card during their entire relationship. So I pretty much roll my eyes. Tell her she's making a mistake. And to spare me anymore details because it's a bad decision and I don't see how someone can be so connected to a guy who treats them like crap anyway.
I don't care about her. I just wanted to meet her and see if there were any sparks. But now she too doesn't want to meet me, not even for the first time. I'm over that, didn't care too much. I'm getting used to rejection.
That just left me thinking, "wow, I treated my ex so wonderfully, bought her tons of things, supported her ideas, her business ventures, drove her places, took vacations together, I thought we were emotionally in tune with each other, and both managed our own money. We had a really picture perfect relationship and I KNOW I was a great boyfriend. The contrast between this new girl going back with her crappy ex and my ex leaving me for a guy who doesn't even like her... it just makes me feel like I'm insane. I'm some kind of crazy person in a world where people don't ever see things the same way I do.
Truth is, nothing has gone right for me since the year 2009 began.
What am I doing wrong? Can anyone offer me advice of any kind pertaining to anything here?
I pray to God everyday to point me in the right direction. My mother is soooo depressed and comes crying to me every single day about HER breakup. I can't leave the house because I don't have gas money. My mother gets upset if I mention having a friend come up here to see me. I'm 22 years old by the way. Yes, I live with my mom, I'm a college student and not yet prepared to live on my own. I'm not a Mamas boy or whatever, I just look out for her because no one else does.
How can I stop this awful cycle?
After all these months, there's no light at the end of this tunnel! I miss my ex sooo bad, every day. I tried forgetting her. I tried being social and distracting myself. I try leaving it up to God. But I just exist here, feeling dormant. I can't seem to get it out of my brain. It stuck there tormenting me. I'm forcing myself not to contact her. Its like you all say, if she's interested, she'd contact me.
Thanks for taking the time to hear all this.
-Zigg