Ask Me Help Desk - What do cheaters deserve?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stringer

I agree with Starbuck, time is the lifeline. Our hearts and minds are marvelous things, they mend, but it takes time.

The steps that you take now to get where you want to be aren't always easy. But as time passes and you look back your emotions will have cleared away and you will be wiser and you will have learned a few things about yourself. You will find that you are also stronger than you thought you were.

Really loving someone is not an easy task. You have to open up, drop your defenses and trust. After someone has betrayed that trust and love you are shattered.

I was married for 18 years to a woman that I adored and we had two children. Believe it or not, over the last two years of that marriage she cheated many times, she left, I took her back, she left, I took her back....too many times.

She was gorgeous and she always needed confirmation that she was, I thought I gave it to her....she found it outside our marriage. Call me a fool, I had my reasons, I came from a broken family AND I did not want my children to have to experience what I went through.

The day that I told her that she could not come home anymore she went hysterical. "It is me, I am 'sick' emotionally, you are a good husband and a good father...what is wrong with me?" It was one of the most difficult days of my life but the dye was cast, no turning back. In three days, she was set up with the same guy, 600 miles away in Dallas, Texas.......

I will leave you with something that I was told by a good friend at that time: When someone decides to leave you (or cheats) they have prepared themselves emotionally for it, justified it in their own minds, and probably even set a time table. You take it between the eyes, and then you have to deal with it. You do, you work yourself through it (and you will also). And you get "better" and you move forward with your life. But there is some justice my friend, almost always the person who made the decision to cheat or leave WILL at some point have much more to deal with over the years; guilt. And a very important question; "did I make the right decision?"...and that will bug them continually. Every time that she/he has an argument with the current guy she will be thinking about this for a long time to come.

You see, you won't be asking yourself that question. You were not the cheater and you have already cleansed yourself of all those emotions.

I wish you good luck, I know that you will be fine. Sorry this was longer than I intended it to be.

Stringer

I see you had to deal with a more serious problem.you were married, you had children, and 18 years is a long time. Me, I'm 24, and let me say I ve had some problems in my life. But I've never had to deal with a broken heart. Never thought it was so hard.
I was going to get engaged with her some months later, and she was the one that wanted this engagement. I really can't understand what her intentions were.she was happy for everything she was doing.I should admit she had a golden heart and was a good person.this is what attracted me to her.she used to be so shy and naïve that I thought she wouldn't have the courage to kill a mosquito.except her good character she had an angel face. And these things really blinded my eyes.she had a lot of bad habits too but I wouldn't care at that time.she always said me she hated cheaters and was afraid I would cheat her.this was her first relationship.but what happened was totally different. She cheated in the end.she changed a lot.maybe she wanted more adventures in her life.me, I'm still the same person I was the first day I met her.
The thing that makes me crazy when I think about it, is the fact that she wanted to blame me in the end.isnt it dishonest at all?so she cheats, and then when she wants to break up she doesn't want to be guilty.so she didn't want to leave as a cheater.nobody wants to be one.

"sorry girl im not an idiot. tell me the truth and dont try to blame me.dont make me do any bad action.if you dont tell me what happened i promise ill hurt you very soon.say it and ill disappear from your life. you dont have to live with the fear that ill hurt you anytime." these were my words.then she started crying over the phone.I guess she was afraid.she was saying me"you are a bad person"(a cheater trying to say the truth is like a criminal in the end of his life. They are both afraid that somebody will judge them for the bad things they did).I wouldn't care about her words at that time.I said "yep im the bad person whom you had a relationship for 3 years.if im bad, you are worse.now tell me the truth and dont make me become worse than you can imagine". Finally she did.maybe at that moment my heart stopped beating for a while.I felt like a dead man.my friends and family couldn't believe it when I told them because I was always telling everyone she was a perfect girl.they were shocked too.imagine me. So this is the respect I gave her.now I feel much better but I want to move on faster.dont want to lose time thinking for a cheater.
I know the decision for a break up doesn't come immediately.I know she has thought over and over it millions of times.the thing that makes me understand that, was her speaking.she was so quiet and sure when she was saying."i dont love you anymore".her mouth wasn't trembling at all.
Now I'm having a good opportunity to be someone in my life but I'm not using it.im neglecting it and the main reason is this break up and my anger in infinity.I have more important things to think about, but still the past bothers me.so time time time.thats what is needed... im waiting

Quote:

Originally Posted by _Someone_

iso time time time.thats what is needed.....im waiting

Quit waiting, and get out there and find your happiness! You could wait for a lifetime, and NEVER be happy, or you could get off your a$$ and make things happen. Be a leader, not a follower!

Carry on... :cool:

If someone broke your heart I don't think you should wait around for them it will be best to move on. Things happens in life that you wished hadn't happen but that's life. But when a loved one do you wrong you do what you have to do to get past it, learn from it, and move on. Life is an learning experience and there is no crystal ball or genies to help you along the way.

Yeah Someone... Guilt is a nagging, painful thing she doesn't like it... good.

At one point during the divorce I tried to "tie it all up" and hopefully get her to at least say something about what happened and why.

Her response; "Well, you cheat!" I was shocked as we had spoken about cheaters many times in those 18 years and how I had no respect for anyone who did that. I asked her to explain, she said "Well....your are a salesman so I know that you cheat!" Floored at her statement all I could say was where, when, please tell me, prove it. She just walked away, Yep, no one likes getting caught or the guilt that comes with it. They want to feel better about themselves by "sharing and spreading" that nasty emotion around a bit.

About two years later when my daughter was spending some time with her we were talking on the phone. Out of context, she suddenly said again"You were a good husband and father." I said "thanks". For some reason that was the final closure that I needed, I didn't care to think about it any more.

But let me tell you, after the divorce I started dating in about two months having fun but thought that I would be single forever. NOPE! I was introduced to the most beautiful woman that I had ever met, 11 years ago.. we were married 6 years ago. All the qualities that I thought my ex had are in abundance with her. I had found my "perfect" match." It took some time, but well worth it, couldn't be happier... Oh, and by the way, she is twenty years younger than me... but has an experienced, loving soul. She makes me happy in so many ways every day of the year.

I agree with KC, get up, get moving... you'll never find her staying home and sitting around. You are a catch my friend.

Again good luck, and I still know that you will do fine.

Stringer

She screwed up, that's human. If you have expectations that the perfect angel-faced, heart of gold girl is beyond humanity, you will continue to live your life angry, resentful and unhappy. No one is perfect. Being self-righteous is different than feeling hurt and angry. Which do you choose?

Quote:

Originally Posted by _Someone_

she always said me she hated cheaters and was afraid i would cheat her.this was her first relationship.but what happened was totally different. she cheated in the end.

Oh man, my ex said the same thing, she was always afraid I would cheat and then she goes and cheats on me.

There's your not-so-subtle sign, why would she think you'd cheat if you haven't had a history of cheating? Makes no sense right? It's all projection; she hates cheaters because she knows she's one, so clearly, she hates herself (all cheaters are insecure); you don't want anyone like this. Girlfriend or friend in general, they have nothing to offer but negative energy.

Back to projection, I've heard girls I've dated tell me that "I trust too easily", I have no idea what that meant 'cause I never trusted any of them with any seizable responsibility or had them make any promises at all. I'm fair and I make sure all my actions are well justified, apparently they weren't used to someone like that.

And every girl that told me that got burned real bad by their exes (financially and emotionally). I don't trust too easily, in fact it's quite the opposite, it's because their trust that was betrayed in such a way that it distorted their view on what trust really is.

I was the same way when I was cheated on, I never thought I could trust another woman again 'cause their all cheaters, but after over a year of healing, I calmed myself back to normal.

A wise person once said; "If you don't stand for something, you will fall for everything." Does that apply to all situations, no it doesn't. But I have never cheated in any personal relationships or purposely let a friend down.

All I am saying is, your convictions mean something or nothing does. Only my opinion.

Yep ill be fine.
My worst part of the day is the morning.Every single morning when I wake up I feel empty.Maybe this happens because you forget everything when you sleep, and when you wake up, everything comes into your head again and you have to face the reality.Let me say it another time. Im glad I'm far away from her.it would be hard to see her again now after what she did.

Quote:

Originally Posted by _Someone_

Yep ill be fine.
My worst part of the day is the morning.Every single morning when i wake up i feel empty.Maybe this happens because you forget everything when you sleep, and when you wake up, everything comes into your head again and you have to face the reality.Let me say it another time. Im glad im far away from her.it would be hard to see her again now after what she did.

I know that you will be :).. the healing process takes some time (remember) but these steps you are taking now will complete the process.

Stringer

This scenario sounds just like mine did a few years back. I was angry for a long time at her for breaking up with me, keeping my engagement ring and finding out later she was seeing some one when we were together. It's been 2 years now and still have some days that I get angry for what she did. But for me the best therapy was to forgive her as I did a few months back and it does help.

Quote:

Originally Posted by simoneaugie

She screwed up, that's human. If you have expectations that the perfect angel-faced, heart of gold girl is beyond humanity, you will continue to live your life angry, resentful and unhappy. No one is perfect. Being self-righteous is different than feeling hurt and angry. Which do you choose?

Well it is easy to say but hard to do. You think I don't want to feel better and throw this anger away?sure I want.thats what I want more now.
I don't think I'm going to live my life angry and unhappy.I m not going to do it for no one.I don't even think about it.its non sense and nobody deserves to live an unhappy life for a cheater unless he is the cheater himself.my healing process is going good.so far so good.

I had a boyfriend cheat on me the whole time in our relationship. We broke up, and I found out maybe a couple weeks later. He knew I knew, and I didn't do anything. He tried calling me back "explaining" that what was heard was wrong, bla bla, she was just a "friend", but I wouldn't hear it.. and we were done. About a year later he went to my house, and I was with a new boyfriend, and he looked so miserable.. to see me happy. You know? He knew he messed up, and he has to live with that. I wouldn't talk to her, and just pick up your life where you left off before her. That's all I can say. Hope everything gets better

I could spout all the negative things that cheaters deserve, but I truly believe that karma will catch up to them, so leave it to karma.

The one thing you should do that will drive the cheater nuts is to move on, be happy and find someone else! That's the best revenge.

Trust me, what comes around goes around.

Although Friend4U lists anger 2nd on the list I think that there is another or different type of anger that is an indicator that you get to at some point near the end of all this, that anger is kind of directed at yourself. There came a day when I got angry with myself and simply said; I don't need all this crap anymore, it's unproductive. I need to lift myself up by my own bootstraps and get on with it. What's the point of all these negative thoughts and memories, it isn't doing me any good.

At some point it is like a yoke being lifted off your chest, and you see things much clearer.

Cheaters deserve the same misery, and pain, that they have caused.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Cheaters deserve the same misery, and pain, that they have caused.

They do deserve the same pain, and be assured, it will come around to them. You don't have to lift a finger, or wish anything upon them. It will happen and it does, without your involvement.

I'm going to put a long story into a nutshell. My last ex and I split up because of his cheating, which he hid very well. After busting him, he then broke into my home, and broke several bones in my body. He found many ways to try and justify his actions. I was very angry how the court case turned out, with him getting very little punishment. The women that he cheated with all left him, and wanted nothing to do with him.

Many months later he was out of town, got himself into whatever trouble he had made for himself, and got jumped in a dark alley by 5 men with baseball bats. They beat him to a pulp, and broke some of the same bones the he broke of mine, when he forced his way into my home. He then tried to contact his children with a "poor me" story. His children cut off all contact with him, to make a very long story very short. He is now homeless, and a drug addict, without any family or friends to help him out.

This man and I had a quarter of a million dollar home, he was the boss of a large company, the children were well taken care of, and had the best of everything, and we lived a pretty darned good life. This all ended when he made the decision to cheat, and get involved with the wrong group of people. I wasn't the bitter person that took anything from him, he went about it all by himself, and lost it all, all by himself.

Karma has it's way of coming around. It sometimes is little compensation, but it DOES happen, and often sooner than later. Just rest assured that it will come around, and thank your lucky stars that you were not in that relationship for one more day than you had to!

I know it hurts right now what she has done to you, but seriously,. you have to think of this in the long term. Would you rather have found out now?. or several more years down the line?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Cheaters deserve the same misery, and pain, that they have caused.

Sure. I don't want to seem cruel but she should understand what it means to be cheated by a person who you love and give him so much priority in life. Maybe then she will remember me.maybe then she will understand that life isn't so easy as she expected to be.most of the people are not as honest as they seem to be. I hope for her to become a human being one day.good for her if she does.if she doesn't its her problem.

My cheater ex was at my apartment last night 'cause I'm roommates with her high school best friend. It's fine, I couldn't care less, I'm over her. But, she did mention to my roommate that she's going to bring over her current boyfriend to my apartment.

Yeah, the girl is that stupid.

He's a wicked quiet and timid kid but they both know how much of a prick I can be, especially when it's my kingdom as I like to call it. Most girlfriends wouldn't mix exes and boyfriends because there's no reasons to; she puts him in awkward situations 'cause she doesn't care and wants him to fight; she's disrespecting us both but I'm the only one with enough balls to tell her to stop.

She's in a bad relationship because she doesn't believe she deserves any better, and I have to agree with her.

She's told me how lucky she was to have me and that thinking about what she did to me still hurts even after all this time.

She's paying the wage of her sin; I don't think I've ever seen her truly happy, she just fakes it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

My cheater ex was at my apartment last night 'cause I'm roommates with her high school best friend. It's fine, I could care less, I'm over her. But, she did mention to my roommate that she's going to bring over her current boyfriend to my apartment.

Yeah, the girl is that stupid.

He's a wicked quiet and timid kid but they both know how much of a prick I can be, especially when it's my kingdom as I like to call it. Most girlfriends wouldn't mix exes and boyfriends because there's no reasons to; she puts him in awkward situations 'cause she doesn't care and wants him to fight; she's disrespecting us both but I'm the only one with enough balls to tell her to stop.

She's in a bad relationship because she doesn't believe she deserves any better, and I have to agree with her.

She's told me how lucky she was to have me and that thinking about what she did to me still hurts even after all this time.

She's paying the wage of her sin; I don't think I've ever seen her truly happy, she just fakes it.

Actually, I have to say, she is not paying the "wage of her sin," you are paying that tab for her, if you are going to let this bother you so much. As I've said, I DO understand! BUT, are you going to be her puppet? You DON'T have to involve yourself in this. If she wants to act childish and play these games, you don't need to play along. This is only giving her what she wants, which is obviously more drama. Swallow your pride, no matter how damn hard that will be, and show her that you are above it all, and she is beneath it, by showing her that you are "over it!" Don't involve this other guy in the game. He will find out soon enough. You don't need to teach him any lessons. Let them play their games, and take off to the gym, and beat the crap out of a punching bag! If you let her know how much you are still hurt by her cheating, you are only feeding into HER egomanical game.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/amhd_i...s/viewpost.gif
Cheaters deserve the same misery, and pain, that they have caused.

Let me qualify that as many have pointed out, your not the one to give them the misery and pain they deserve, someone else will eventually. Your best revenge I think is to be happy without them.