Ask Me Help Desk - What is cheating?

Ok, I am trying to be nice here. I sure hope you don't ever plan on becoming a counselor or teacher because your, in the words of the movie "shooter" moral compas is so <explicit>, your ideal man won't exist.

I'll show you some flaws in your plan, first, not all guys go out of there way to hit on girls. Second, I go to the gym on a daily basis, if I don't go with my fiancé, I end up having some girl approach me. Now sure it's flattering but seriously, it's a gym, I'm not looking to meet someone there.

Guys and girls are both able to be hit on in the same environments as the other. You have this idea that women are like a piece of meat that guys prey upon. That isn't the case. Get off your damn high horse and back to reality. You can't dictate who your boyfriends hangs out with and if he has any set he would tell you to go pound sand.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kia

well in answer to your question about what a guy should think if I'm hanging around guy friends, I believe that women can more easily resist a man & stay faithful. .

So in college I met this bangin' broad, she looks like a porn star, she's not beautiful, she's hot, which is the only reason why anyone gives her any attention.

Anyway, I sadly find out she has a boyfriend of four years, which turned out to be okay 'cause her boyfriend and I are good buddies now. She often gets drunk, finds me or someone else and complains about "Andrew" and how he slept with a couple girls when the broke up over the summer. I usually laugh and say something stupid.

This girl has woken up drunk on fraternity floors naked, clueless on how she got there and has slept with more guys than I care to count and she's 21. She's cheated on her boyfriend, he knows some of the story. And yet, she thinks its okay if she hangs out with guy friends, even ones (and there are many) that she slept with but restricts poor ol' Andrew from any female contact. I egg him on to cheat on her all the time.

You remind me of her, whether you're as sexually cavalier as this chic I described. Your boyfriend's friends will hate you regardless.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

So in college I met this bangin' broad, she looks like a porn star, she's not beautiful, she's hot, which is the only reason why anyone gives her any attention.

Anyway, I sadly find out she has a boyfriend of four years, which turned out to be okay 'cause her boyfriend and I are good buddies now. She often gets drunk, finds me or someone else and complains about "Andrew" and how he slept with a couple girls when the broke up over the summer. I usually laugh and say something stupid.

This girl has woken up drunk on fraternity floors naked, clueless on how she got there and has slept with more guys than I care to count and she's 21. She's cheated on her boyfriend, he knows some of the story. And yet, she thinks its okay if she hangs out with guy friends, even ones (and there are many) that she slept with but restricts poor ol' Andrew from any female contact. I egg him on to cheat on her all the time.

Your boyfriend's friends will hate you.

Why don't you egg him on to dump her a$$?

KC is completely correct!. sounds like a ruined relationship. Egg him on to dump her!. best thing!
Back to the topic of this thread... there should be no double standards what so ever! I have learnt from all these responses and from other threads that there should be a clear understanding between a couple about what the boundaries are in their relationship. As soon as one person (guy or girl) steps outside those boundaries, they are betraying their S/O and that can be considered cheating... well that's my impression on things anyway!.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kctiger

Why don't you egg him on to dump her a$$??

Oh I tried that, trust me. He won't listen and it's doomed anyway.

I hate to see him like this 'cause I know neither of them are happy, but he's the one who's really suffering. She dropped out of college so she has nothing to really work towards but he stayed in, and I know at some point she's going to do something to restrict him from achieving that goal, and he's the type of kid that would listen to her.

Seriously? You guys are giving me the 3rd degre.. lol

But anyway, I have been told that I don't understand men very well but...
I am only speaking from experience and the men I have met so far. While I was single, most of the guys I met had gf's, whether they admitted it or not. It would always come out later. The guys that I hung out with on a friendly basis would make flirty remarks to me sometimes, or we had an almost "tryst", but I stopped it.
So I guess this is from my personal experience, in addition to hearing stories from friends. So sue me.. lol

Quit attracting those types of guys, and meet some genuinely nice dudes... like yours truly ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

Oh I tried that, trust me. He won't listen and it's doomed anyway.

I hate to see him like this 'cause I know neither of them are happy, but he's the one who's really suffering. She dropped out of college so she has nothing to really work towards but he stayed in, and I know at some point she's going to do something to restrict him from achieving that goal, and he's the type of kid that would listen to her.

No offence, but um.. That is his choice, if he decides to stay with her. You may be right in that he holds "HIMSELF BACK" for her, but she can't make him do any thing. Other wise, no body would take responsibility for their actions. Eh?

Not that I intend to defend her, but she has her own issues to deal with. I'm going to ponder the idea that she is insecure and doesn't like being alone. This is true for most, but maybe she is affected by that idea more than some.

You sound like a good friend, but your insenstive way of showing your concern may need to change so that they see what you are talking about. No offence but you sound insensitive. "it's doomed anyway." +"she's going to do something to restrict him from achieving that goal, and he's the type of kid that would listen to her."- you

If you are so sure of this happening, how can you see any way out of it? Also, if it's inevitable, why try to change it? No your contradicting your words by getting involved. Need to make your statements more specific. And if you want to reach your friend, find out why he loves her, or stays with her. Then help him see other possibilities, not close the one he feels is right.

"Pain for pleasure" or "no pain no gain" Maybe he thinks if he endures this suffering, it will simply get better.

Just some suggestions, think of me as you will, but I am just trying to give you more ideas. It's up to you to interpret it. Good luck with helping your friend.

If worse comes to worse you could always sing him the "bret you've got it going on" song by flight of the conchords, haha. ;)

Peace be with you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kia

Seriously? You guys are giving me the 3rd degre..lol

But anyways, I have been told that I don't understand men very well but....
I am only speaking from experience and the men I have met so far. While I was single, most of the guys I met had gf's, whether they admitted it or not. It would always come out later. The guys that I hung out with on a friendly basis would make flirty remarks to me sometimes, or we had an almost "tryst", but I stopped it.
So I guess this is from my personal experience, in addition to hearing stories from friends. So sue me..lol

Not all guys are the same, I mean really, some guys like guys. So should he stay away from them too? :p sorry just thought that might lighten things up.

Have you ever heard the Phrase,"Stop blaming people (lover) for what others have done."? It is clear that you are afraid of betrayal, due to past expierences. Try to remember he is a different guy, and loves you. Every relationship needs trust, no?

Take care

Peace be with you.

If you have to ask the question you are doubting yourself.

Figure out if you want to be with your partner. If not, leave.

Cheating?

I guess it depends on the relationship.

My wife can drink alcohol in a town 2000 miles from here with a stranger, flirt with him, and leave him hanging while she goes to her hotel room alone with her happy thoughts, a hot shower, and her pretty pink vibe to get her through the night and its not cheating to me. Not in my mind.

Other people here have posted than no married man or woman has any business being good friends with another of the opposite sex. To each their own.

There is no easy answer that fits all. What works for me and my betrothed is a disaster for others.

I don't like generalizations, but I do think women, in general, both bear the direct burden of the consequences of sex (potential pregnancy) and also have a more vested interest in controlling sexual relations than the male.

Yes... there are exceptions... women whose drive is bigger than their logic... men who are more worried and inhibited than driven...

Its not "wrong" for you to feel the way you feel. It's a reflex. An impulse. Just because I might see a gorgeous body walk past me, that I might love to bed, doesn't mean I'm going to throw my life away to get her no matter what, right?

I am a jealous man.

Really.

But my trust in my wife is just enough to cover up my ignorant furor. If we are out and I see a guy buying her drinks and touching the small of her back a little too much does it make me put him through the wall?

Not yet.

I mean, so far, the guy is paying half the tab to get her relaxed and charmed... and she's coming home with me. If it gets too friendly, ill go introduce myself. If he gets snotty, well.. then its time to buy new drywall for the bar. His arse will leave a mark if I have anything to say about it. Or maybe he will make me feel my age by cutting me to the floor. Don't know.

Point is... I was cheated on by two BIG loves. Months and even years were spent getting them out of my system.

The fact they were female and "had control" didn't help me one damn bit. They chose to cheat. Chose to deceive. One even did it with an "open door policy"... meaning she could date whomever, just tell me when it gets physically serious.

She didn't, and tried to play both sides at the same time... my last regret with her was getting her off an hour before I found out shed slept with another without satisfaction the night before. (dont leave your sex journals by your bed while you shower, ladies)...

Back to the topic... I get what you are saying... guys ARE visual apes... but along with that disconnected attraction (the ability to be aroused by visual stim that isn't connected to you) is, well, a disconnected attraction.

I guess the answer is what is right for you and what is OK with your partner?

Playing the "vagina" card doesn't work... meaning you, as a female, might have more responsibility and more "control" than the male... I'm not saying that you don't... just saying it's a hard argument to make in the middle of a fight. Don't know how to defend it. A woman can cheat just like a man.

My partner is fine with me taking off for a night with a female friend for drinks and a movie. Not all the time. But occasionally. And the same with me concerning her and guy friends. It comes down to real, permeating trust.

So... figure out what you can tolerate and work with that.

You don't have to bend to my relationship or anyone else's.

But the more options you give yourself, the less managing you will have to do.

Find a place where you can find mostly some peace, even if there is occasional discomfort, and see what happens.