Ask Me Help Desk - Contacted ex after several years-what now

It may be a choice really - what is more important - your relationship with the BF or the relationship with the family?

Part of being in a relationship is understanding that our partners do not meet all of our needs - even if they are the 'one' - whatever that means!

Clearly your needs are more complex than just living on the east coast with your BF. The love and support of family and friends is important for most of us, so it's understandable that you would also feel this way.

Talk to your BF. The best thing is to be open and honest with him about your dilemma. It may be that you can both come up with a creative solution rather than it being moving or staying.

Update: I seem to have forgotten about this site and your good advice. I was still upset/confused as to why he deleted me on myspace and eventually started to see how erratic and unpredictable his behavior/sentiment toward me is. He later subscribed to my YouTube account, and I was thinking, " this guy can't make up his mind- he is nuts!" Then I got excited again. Grr. I did not subscribe to his page but a couple months later sent him a quick text, and he did not respond. I think it is the baiting/testing my interest again.

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Originally Posted by Jane9876

Update: I seem to have forgotten about this site and your good advice. I was still upset/confused as to why he deleted me on myspace and eventually started to see how erratic and unpredictable his behavior/sentiment toward me is. He later subscribed to my youtube account, and I was thinking, " this guy can't make up his mind- he is nuts!" Then I got excited again. grr. I did not subscribe to his page but a couple months later sent him a quick text, and he did not respond. I think it is the baiting/testing my interest again.

I'm glad your catching on ;)

I am wondering how to get over/find closure with someone (also the first guy I slept with) from the distant past (5-6 years ago) who I seem to be obsessed with. Let's call him E. The problem is, right now, I don't think I truly WANT to get over him because I still hope there are feelings on his end, and that he would treat me with respect if we talked about the issues we had when we were involved and if I apologized for my half of the problems. So far, I have been trying to "play it cool" by contacting him in a casual way and catching up and hoping to rebuild some kind of rapport before bombarding him with closure questions and sharing the fact that I still may have feelings for him. He initially was very receptive but now perhaps has caught on to my hidden agenda and seems to be playing mind games with me (apologising for not having treated me better, saying he misses me, deleting me from his myspace, subscribing to my YouTube channel, ignoring me..? ). This man is in his mid-thirties, too, so I feel this passive communication is a bit odd.

I know you will likely advise just moving on and finding someone who WILL treat me the way I deserve. This makes sense to me. I think the problem is that I could talk to this man on a level of spiritual and philosophical depth that I have not found with anyone else. Our "connection," from my end anyway, was stronger than I have ever experienced. It has been several years since I've been involved with this guy, and I have dated several people, some seriously. I have a boyfriend now who would give anything for me, and I feel guilty having these feelings about another man. I also wonder if that means I should truly be with my current boyfriend. I feel like if "e" would treat me well, I would consider giving up the respectful and sweet guy I am dating now in favor of the "connection".

So my question is two-fold:
1) I feel like if I found out what truly happened that made the situation with E end, it might help me compartmentalize the situation and move on. I have drafted a non-attacking letter to him apologizing for some of my actions at the time and asking him if he remembered what he was experiencing/ how he felt at the time. Is this a good idea to send, even if it is more for my peace of mind/getting it off my chest than for the actual answers? (athough I would love the answers if he would be kind enough to respond)

2)Also if I knew 100% that E really does not have any feelings for me, I would know there is no point in thinking about him romantically and could move on. I feel it is essential I find this out, as my current boyfriend wants to get engaged and I am wondering if my attachment to E is part of what is holding me back.

Sending the vulnerable letter above would make me look pathetic to E but it might help me feel better and move on... at the same time, since I feel I still love E and would consider dating him if he treated me well, would I ruin my chances of him ever wanting to pursue me if I sent this letter? i.e. there would be zero "chase"

Any other insights on the whole thing?

Thanks so much for your patience in reading this long passage. Thanks for your help.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jane9876

1)Is this a good idea to send, even if it is more for my peace of mind/getting it off my chest than for the actual answers?

Do not send him a letter. If you do anyway, expect to see him running speedily away from you into the night.

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2)Also if I knew 100% that E really does not have any feelings for me, I would know there is no point in thinking about him romantically and could move on. I feel it is essential I find this out, as my current boyfriend wants to get engaged and I am wondering if my attachment to E is part of what is holding me back.

This is for a romance novel, right?

I don't even know where to begin to answer your second question. I do know I feel really sorry for your current boyfriend. Give up men for a while and work on yourself. Find out who you are and learn to love, honor, respect yourself.

How about seeing a counselor for a few sessions to figure out how to get closure and to move past E. Whaddya think?

It's something I have considered. I may try it as nothing else seems to be working. It doesn't help that E keeps "baiting" me. If he would just have a heart and quit leading me on it would help... but hopefully I can become smart enough not to fall for it and see him for who he is. Thanks again guys!

Jane

A lot of people don't get closure from their Ex , so sometimes you have to do it yourself. The fact is this guy is playing with your emotions because he knows he can , and your fueling it by allowing him to. If he wanted to be with you he would , that's the bottom line , and that fact should be enough to be able to give yourself that closure.

I (like WG) also feel for your current BF , you really have to decide whether this guy is the one or not , and then do whatever is needed for his sake. Because it's not fair to play with another persons emotions while yours are all skewiff.

Anyway that's my opinion and I really wish you all the best.