Closure and lingering feelings
I am wondering how to get over/find closure with someone (also the first guy I slept with) from the distant past (5-6 years ago) who I seem to be obsessed with. Let's call him E. The problem is, right now, I don't think I truly WANT to get over him because I still hope there are feelings on his end, and that he would treat me with respect if we talked about the issues we had when we were involved and if I apologized for my half of the problems. So far, I have been trying to "play it cool" by contacting him in a casual way and catching up and hoping to rebuild some kind of rapport before bombarding him with closure questions and sharing the fact that I still may have feelings for him. He initially was very receptive but now perhaps has caught on to my hidden agenda and seems to be playing mind games with me (apologising for not having treated me better, saying he misses me, deleting me from his myspace, subscribing to my YouTube channel, ignoring me..? ). This man is in his mid-thirties, too, so I feel this passive communication is a bit odd.
I know you will likely advise just moving on and finding someone who WILL treat me the way I deserve. This makes sense to me. I think the problem is that I could talk to this man on a level of spiritual and philosophical depth that I have not found with anyone else. Our "connection," from my end anyway, was stronger than I have ever experienced. It has been several years since I've been involved with this guy, and I have dated several people, some seriously. I have a boyfriend now who would give anything for me, and I feel guilty having these feelings about another man. I also wonder if that means I should truly be with my current boyfriend. I feel like if "e" would treat me well, I would consider giving up the respectful and sweet guy I am dating now in favor of the "connection".
So my question is two-fold:
1) I feel like if I found out what truly happened that made the situation with E end, it might help me compartmentalize the situation and move on. I have drafted a non-attacking letter to him apologizing for some of my actions at the time and asking him if he remembered what he was experiencing/ how he felt at the time. Is this a good idea to send, even if it is more for my peace of mind/getting it off my chest than for the actual answers? (athough I would love the answers if he would be kind enough to respond)
2)Also if I knew 100% that E really does not have any feelings for me, I would know there is no point in thinking about him romantically and could move on. I feel it is essential I find this out, as my current boyfriend wants to get engaged and I am wondering if my attachment to E is part of what is holding me back.
Sending the vulnerable letter above would make me look pathetic to E but it might help me feel better and move on... at the same time, since I feel I still love E and would consider dating him if he treated me well, would I ruin my chances of him ever wanting to pursue me if I sent this letter? i.e. there would be zero "chase"
Any other insights on the whole thing?
Thanks so much for your patience in reading this long passage. Thanks for your help.