Ask Me Help Desk - Is it abusive? Or is it just me

AYE I'm going to go all spanish on you.

He say other girls look better that can hurt emotionally

Quote:

Originally Posted by tearingapart

but i would feel so guilty if i broke up with him because i have no doubt he'd try and kill himself. i dont want that on my conscience...

He is emotionally blackmailing you by saying he would kill himself.
That is the most unhealthy reason to stay with somebody. Can you really picture yourself in a confusing hurtful relationship like this for years to come? Eventually you will see the light and break up with him or stay with him and be miserable with no way out.
You need to think of yourself and get help!
Manipulating you with guilt is no good reason to stay in a relationship. You will never have a life at all. Whatever he does is his own doing not your responsibility you can not save him from himself.

You need to read some books on this

Emotional Blackmail, Susan Forward, Book - Barnes & Noble

Mmm. It does hurt. And I make a big deal of never saying guys are hot in front of him. I'm just starting to think I'm losing feelings for him. But I think the same is happening to him.

And the horrible thing is, I want to be the one that finishes on top :( I'm awful, I know. But just for once I want him to know how painful and confusing and hurtful it is

Thank you very much NOhelp4u. I will go and get that one from the library.

But in reply, I'm just hoping that he will change... because when he is in a good mood, he is one of the funniest and loveliest and loving people ever

You can find a funny loving person that doesn't put you through the wringer!
You are not wrong for wanting to finish on top because he has you so beaten down you need to rise above it all and be on top for your own sanity's sake!

That's the problem though. I don't think I can...
My whole life people have told me that I'm really beautiful and pretty and stunning and everything.

But I got a knee problem and had to stop exercise. I put on mountains of weight, and now I feel that no one could want me. Its distressing.

That's why I'm not used to someone actually saying they love me.

That's why I don't want to let it go...

Look around most women I know that have a relationship are overweight. I am not over weight and I can't get a boyfriend. I look at all the girls around me and most of them are overweight and have a boyfriend.
Being overweight doesn't have a thing to do with it any more.
I have been saying Thin is suppose to be in but fat seems to be where its at.

I'm 15 though. It has a big impact at this age.

Yes and all the more reason to get away asap!

This boyfriend has WAY too many problems and he is not good for you. Take a deep breath, prepare for a few weeks of heartache and move on. It will hurt a little at first, but once you are out you will feel much better.

At your age, you can lose the weight, and someone else will come along who is better for you. Don't waste another second on this guy. He may have a lot of problems, but it's not your job to sacrifice your life so he can have someone to beat up on. Let him come to terms with his problems.

And I agree, if he threatens suicide again, call the cops and report him. He needs professional help. (And it's not help you can provide.)

You can not help him he has your hands tied and you are in over your head simple as that.

What a sad story, for one so young. You can change your whole life around, by getting rid of him, and learning to love yourself.

You don't love him, he is just a crutch you put up with, to be loved, but his kind of love, is unhealthy, and dangerous.

When you get over your past hurts, and decide to be good to yourself, and not him, things will turn for the better.

Yourself esteem will grow faster, without you allowing him to beat you up emotionally, so get yourself in gear and do something good for yourself, and stop being an emotional punching bag.

Can't you see he is sick, and making you sick too?

And stop telling yourself what you can't do, you can do whatever you want so don't you want to be happy and healthy?

Leave sicko boy alone, so he can deal with his own issues, as you are enabling him to be the b@sT@ard he is.

You're 15? Sweetheart... you're WAY too young to have such a weight on your shoulders.

This type of relationship isn't good no matter WHAT your age is.

When someone hurts you and makes you feel inferior, that person is not even your friend, let alone your boyfriend.

If your best girl friend was in this same situation, what would you tell her?

You're in high school... please stay away from this boy. You said he's 3 years older - that means he is 18? Please leave him alone.

Don't say "when he hits me I'll be gone." Even the fact that you had to say that says your relationship is wrong.

Please, get away. Stay away. Start having fun in high school... don't let this boy poison your youth.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HistorianChick

You're 15?? Sweetheart... you're WAY too young to have such a weight on your shoulders.

This type of relationship isn't good no matter WHAT your age is.

When someone hurts you and makes you feel inferior, that person is not even your friend, let alone your boyfriend.

If your best girl friend was in this same situation, what would you tell her??

You're in high school.... please stay away from this boy. You said he's 3 years older - taht means he is 18? Please leave him alone.

Don't say "when he hits me I'll be gone." Even the fact that you had to say that says your relationship is wrong.

Please, get away. Stay away. Start having fun in high school... don't let this boy poison your youth.

Absolutely.:)

Quote:

Originally Posted by tearingapart

i have a boyfriend who iv been with for nearly a year now, in a distant relationship. we broke up mid year and stayed broken up for ages, but now we're back together.

when we were together before. he broke up with me all the time, and then threatened to kill himself. i would cry and cry and beg him not to and say ill change and be a better girlfriend. and then he'd reluctantly get back back with me. it really hurt me because he'd say, oh you never show me you love me. but it was never good enough.

he keeps hurting me, he tells me he thinks other girls are hot, and that he would do them, but if i say anything, ill get shouted at and a big fight will start and ill probably get dumped again. this morning, i called him to see if he was awake so he wouldnt be late for work. he didnt answer so i sent him a message saying please msg if you're awake. he didnt message so i messaged again saying im worried and i might call again.

then like ages later he called me and was all angry at me. shouting and swearing and saying that i always mother him and he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

is the way im behaving irrational? im just trying to show him that i care, but am i over doing it? i really dont understand. i truly love him. but i dont know how i can keep this relationship going if he's always going to find fault with me.

please help :(

This is so sad. You are only 15! This is not what you should be doing at 15! You should be hanging out at the mall with your girlfriends, going to the movies, having sleep overs, dreaming of your future! Not worrying about some boy, who is already 18 and is already showing the typical signs of an abusive man. Abuse is much more than physical sweetheart. In fact, if you ask most women that have been abused, they will tell you that the physical injuries heal, but the emotional scars never go away! Verbal and emotional abuse are the worst kind of abuse, and the easiest to hide. You can't see the outward scars. You can see a black eye or a bloody lip, but you can't see emotional bleeding.

Your mother was right. You are doing exactly what she was afraid you were going to do. Your father was abusive to your mother, and that is what you saw and learned. That seems like it's normal to you. So now you have decided that you are going to try and help someone who's intentions are only to hurt you. This boy is POISONOUS to your life. You can't help him! He sees your weaknessess, and he is using them to his advantage. He's luring you into his web of abuse, by playing on your weaknesses. He knows it, but you can't see it.

I think you need to talk to your Mom. Listen to her, and ask her to tell you what she had to go through with your Dad. Look at the pain in your Mom's face. I don't think you want that to be your pain. Trust me, you don't!

Try and get involved in other things that will make your life better. You cannot help this guy. He doesn't respect you, and he doesn't love you. I'm not saying this to hurt you, I'm saying this to help you to understand. When you truly love someone, you do not say and do abusive things to them. You are feeling sorry for this boys supposed hard life. That is NOT LOVE honey! That is PITY! You think you can save him, and if you love him enough he will change for you, and all will be well and you will live happily ever after. Well we would all wish it went that way, but that isn't reality. You are wanting him to be something that he isn't. You aren't IN LOVE! You are in LOVE with the feeling of "BEING IN LOVE!!" They are two different feelings.

Please leave this boy alone. It can only get worse from here. I do know what I am talking about, and I wouldn't lie to you. He WILL hit you if you stay, and he will drain yourself confidence and self worth, and it will damage your future relationships... because trust me, there will be more.

Sweetheart, get yourself a puppy or a kitten. They will teach you what unconditional love is all about. A pet will always be there for you, no matter if you are happy, sad, angry or frustrated! They can teach you what real love is if you give them a chance and pay attention to the lesson they are trying to teach you. And as a bonus?. a dog will never call and yell at you on the phone! :)

Give yourself some time to grow up honey! Don't start if off with all of this drama!

Quote:

Originally Posted by tearingapart

dazzling - i dont know why :( its because i love him i think.

when i was younger my dad was pretty emotionally abusive, my mum and him are divorced, and my mum used to say she was worried that i would get involved with people like my dad, because he always used to reject me, and i just wanted his love.

i dont know why i love my boyfriend. i really dont. but i would feel so guilty if i broke up with him because i have no doubt he'd try and kill himself. i dont want that on my conscience...

This is the problem. Sorry that your dad isn't involve in your life and I can't even gather the pain that you must feel when all you want is his love but you should listen to your mother. She is only trying to keep you from the pain that she had to deal with and don't want you to go through the same.

In the end your dad would pay for all the wrong he did but don't let your hurt from him cause you to misplace your love. It seems that you just want love and this guy who is 3 years older than you isn't supply it and this isn't love, it's pain. Love isn't suppose to make you feel gulity, bring you down, etc. That's that opposite of love.

You need to see an counselor to help you see things clearer. It will boost yourself esteem, confidence, and self worth. Once these things are build up your be surprise and see the change in yourself. It will also help you deal with the issues with your dad.

Btw, this relationship is beyond unhealthy because you and your boyfriend have issues that need to be resolve by a professional but I am more concern about you. You can't solve his problems because you've your own to deal with.

Leave this guy alone and talk to your mother so she can help give you help. Does she even know about this guy? I know you want love but love starts with loving yourself. Once you love yourself you wouldn't tolerant this from any guy. Go look in the mirror and say "I love you and deserve better". Say encouraging things to yourself and you would feel and see the difference.

There is nothing wrong with you! He on the other hand apparently has a lot of growing up to do. Get rid of him and step away, you deserve someone who will treat you with respect!