Ask Me Help Desk - Promiscuous Past

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dori740620

An Update and advice still needed!

We are still together, no longer working together he left our previous company 1 month before I did.

Although we are still together, we are still constantly fighting about my past. He has on numerous occasions tried to end us, but somehow I manage to keep him with me. I am trying so hard to prove to him that I am not the person - I was back then, but he questions and doubts everything that I do or say, which is understandable considering I have lied to him in the beggining. I dont go anywhere without getting his approval first, if he doesnt respond when I ask I dont go. But this causes trouble with my family as they dont understand why I never want to go anywhere.
Just recently I had to go set up for a function at a golf day for work, he freaked and told me I couldnt go, when my boss started putting pressure on me, and I explained to my man, that this was happening - he wasnt very happy but agreed that I could go, but was still very suspicious, on the way down there, he questioned who picked me up who was with me - what time I was going to be back, and whilst travelling down, he told me to off, that he wanted nothing to do with me, accused me of having it off with my boss. which is not the case I didnt even see my boss until just before I left when he came to tee off at the hole we had set up our watering hole at. But still my man doubts me! He refused to see me and I begged and pleaded - pretty much demanded to see him, which when I did - I managed to calm things down and we still together.
I guess my concern is, are we ever going to get through this together? Will we ever have a strong enough relationship that possibly we could settle together, and consider a family? Cause he keeps telling me that he doesnt know if he will ever get over this, and he can not see us ever having a family together as he doesnt want a whore as the mother of his kids....
Any advice or comments would be appreciated!

I highlighted some red flags in your post. Having read the thread, I am going to be a bit harsh because I think you need it for keeping this going for more than a year.

Stop punishing yourself for the past. You are using him to flog yourself for what you see as your past transgressions. You don't need to do that. You need to accept and love yourself for who you are. You aren't the only person to have a past and try to cover it up. You won't be the last.

He doesn't love or trust you and there is no way you can make or convince him to accept you as you. He wants an Ideal. You are a real woman with real faults that make you who you are.

From what I just read, you are a beautiful woman who has a misguided idea of what a relationship should be. You were abused as a child/teen. No one helped you then and it caused you to melt down. You got up from that but you haven't healed. You are using him to keep the pain and hurt alive because you seem to think you deserve it. YOU DON'T! No one does. You lied to him about your past because you were trying to protect yourself the only way you knew how. Time to learn new ways.

Get rid of him and his self-righteous act. Get yourself into therapy and a support group for abused people. Learn to love you and accept yourself. Then you can find someone who will love you and accept the whole you instead of just the parts they can accept.

Good luck finding self-acceptance and love.

Yesterday after posting my question, I met with my man, It was a very strange but nice surprise that he actually apologised for the way he has been treating me, that he should never have lost control of his emotions the way that he did. That the only reason it has affected him so deeply is because he loves me so deeply. He says that he knows that I'm a good woman and that I have such a good heart. That he can't control me the way he has been that he needs to give me the chance to wander and if I do then that's just me, but if I don't then that is great for us. He also says that he only hopes that I don't regret meeting him. Which I clearly told him that I don't! I love him so much, and I really think that this will be the turning point in our relationship.
I am not sure what brought about the change in him, but I am truly happy!
What are your thoughts on this?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dori740620

Yesterday after posting my question, I met with my man, It was a very strange but nice suprise that he actually apologised for the way he has been treating me, that he should never have lost control of his emotions the way that he did. That the only reason it has affected him so deeply is because he loves me so deeply. He says that he knows that I'm a good woman and that I have such a good heart. That he can't control me the way he has been that he needs to give me the chance to wander and if I do then thats just me, but if I dont then that is great for us. He also says that he only hopes that I dont regret meeting him. Which I clearly told him that I dont! I love him so much, and I really think that this will be the turning point in our relationship.
I am not sure what brought about the change in him, but I am truly happy!
What are your thoughts on this?

Be careful. Something seems very strange like he is putting you at ease or setting you up.

How long after you posted did this meeting happen? Does he still read AMHD? Does he know about your account? Is he subscribed to your thread and did he get e-mail notifications about posts on it?

I am glad you are happy and I hope it is just the overly cautious part of me that sees trouble brewing. But, please, keep your eyes open and pay close attention to what he does if you do something that he normally goes off the deep end about.

Best wishes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

Be careful. Something seems very strange like he is putting you at ease or setting you up.

How long after you posted did this meeting happen? Does he still read AMHD? Does he know about your account? Is he subscribed to your thread and did he get e-mail notifications about posts on it?

I am glad you are happy and I hope it is just the overly cautious part of me that sees trouble brewing. But, please, keep your eyes open and pay close attention to what he does if you do something that he normally goes off the deep end about.

Best wishes.

Cat,

Yes he knows of my account, I'm not sure if he still reads AMHD.
We met yesterday afternoon after work. So it was a couple of hours.
I am cautious, I know that it seems strange that he changed his tune. I did ask him, what brought this about and he says that he has been thinking.

Stand up for yourself regardless if this change is temporary or permanent. I doubt he grew up in a matter of hours, and may lapse, but shoot him a dirty look when he crosses the lines of good respectful behavior.

I guess our gut feels are never wrong. It was definitely temporary! While spending time together yesterday and talking. He now is refusing to talk to me, and telling me he has nothing to say to me. That if he ignores me long enough - I'll move on.
And sms' me telling me to find another distraction for now?
I did what I always do, breakdown into tears and beg him not to walk away not to leave me. To please talk to me. When I spoke to him just now - he tells me that he can't talk now and when I asked well when is he going to be able to talk to me he tells me that he will this afternoon.
But there will be some excuse as to why he can't meet me, Im sure.

I don't know what to do! I'm going crazy! I can't lose him. He is my whole life. I feel like I can't function without him!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dori740620

I dont know what to do! I'm going crazy! I can't lose him. He is my whole life. I feel like I can't function without him!

What you should do and I sincerely hope you do is tell him, "GOODBYE!" It won't be easy and it will hurt, but so does having a malignant cancer removed.

You are not going 'crazy'. You are waking up from a nightmare. You are coming to your senses. You have been living in an upside-down world. Right-side up is going to seem strange until you get used to it.

Don't think of it as losing him, you aren't. He is losing you. You are getting rid of him and all of the baggage that you have been carrying around for a long time.

He is not your life. YOU are your life. Make yourself your priority.

It may not seem like it right now, but you can function much better without him holding you back. You have allowed yourself to think of him as your 'knight', but he isn't. What has he done to actually help you feel better about yourself and the improvements and growth you have made?

Have you looked into support groups and counseling? I still think you need to for your own peace of mind and healing. The past is something you need to deal with in a productive way. This male has not been helping. If anything, he has been prolonging the pain and keeping the wounds from healing.

You aren't alone. There is already a support system here for you. Let him go and give yourself a chance.

I can't let go of him, he has been my support through so much, and has helped me become a better person.

I can't imagine waking up every morning and not having him with me. Not having his morning text to start my day. With him I feel like I can conquer the world. The thought of facing the world without him, is something I never want to have to experience. I would rather not live. I can't concentrate on my work, I'm sitting here wondering what has happened - what is going to happen.

Please help me figure out what to do? I am meeting him this afternoon to talk and I need to figure out where to go from here.
What I should do and how I should do it?

You have to do nothing, and begging for his attention is totally out of the question. Bad behavior is out of the question. So if he isn't telling you how he will love cherish and respect you, he should be history. If he wants to move on, LET HIM!!

Does that cover everything?

He's not meeting me tonight - he says he's had a bad day and just wants to go home. He doesn't want to talk about it.
Says I must deal with things the best way I know how! And when I asked well how can I deal with something when I don't know what is happening, he turned round and said well then assume that we over and deal with that.
When I told him that I don't want us to be over - he told me that we don't always get what we want.
I am beside myself - I just don't know what to do anymore!
All assistance and advice will be greatly appreciated!

We chatted over sms last night - or should I say we argued over sms last night. He has told me that he doesn't want to be a part of this anymore, he has never wanted a whore in his life. That I will never be the woman he wants.
That he doesn't give a about the loyalty of a whore.
He asked me what's it worth having a loyal neighbourhood whore. That he has wanted to lose me from the start.
That there is nothing he wants from this, there are other ways I can get security.

I Feel like I'm worthless, like everything that I have been doing to prove to him that I have changed that I am nothing like that. That nothing else matters to me more than he does, has not even been noticed. Even though on many occasions he has told me that he is proud of me for doing the things that I have been doing.
I really don't know how to cope with this. Please help me!

Bless you Dori740620, Nobody should ever speak to you or disrespect you the way he just has. He obviously cannot deal with it and is angry and hurt, hence the nasty texts. Whilst I don't know you, I am quite sure that you are worth so much more than this torture you are going through.

I think the advice from the experts on here, will be to move on and cut him right out of your life completely, NOBODY has a right to make you feel worthless no matter what you have done in the past.

I don't know what to do! Im feeling so lost. I just want my life to be over!

I know those feelings, you need to focus elsewhere and not on him. I know it is difficult and easier said than done, but you must look to move on. It WILL get easier with time I promise you that.

Have you considered that some form of counselling may be of use to you at this time?

All I can think about is him. I can't focus on work or anything else. I feel like my world is collapsing around me.
I have thought about counseling, but I don't go anywhere without telling him first to find out if its OK. I just feel like I have no where to go and no one to turn to!

Well 1st of all you have a great community here to vent to, people on here care even though they don't know you :)

I am concerned that you don't go anywhere without consulting him 1st, that needs to stop, whether you are with him or not.

Hang in there, focus elsewhere, keep yourself busy, I know I know you say you can't do that BUT you must. Take a little step at a time to drag yourself back from this misery.

First of all, the fact that you were promiscuous does not define you as a bad person. The fact that he calls you a whore says more about him than it does about you. Ok so we all have different moral codes, but that doesn't give us the right to impose them on others. Does he think all guys who have played the field in their youth are whores?

Secondly, promiscuous behaviour is extremely common amongst people who have been abused.

Ok, so you decided that is not the way you want to act anymore and have changed. If that is what you want then great for you. You seem to be giving him all the credit for this happening. Well sorry but that's nonsense. He has hardly stood by you and supported you whilst you worked on this, he has bullied you about it and acting in a very controlling manner.

If you feel the way you acted in the past was wrong then the person that needs to forgive you for that is YOU, not him. You are seeking his validation because you are not giving it to yourself.

Get that counselling arranged. You do not need his permission. Your self-esteem is at rock bottom and you are seeing him as the only source of worth in your life. You really need help in getting this fixed.

Remember, nobody will give us the love we deserve if we cannot love ourselves.

I do feel your pain, but I have to point out, that even with your intense feelings for this guy, you have plainly put too much faith in a fellow that doesn't deserve you.

If he can reject a good person merely for the fact you don't meet his purity test, then clearly he is not the one.

If he can disregard the good in you NOW, for the events of the past, he is clearly not the one for you.

That he can not see you as the strong survivor that you have been, given what you have been through, he clearly is not the one for you, nor does he deserve a good, life tested person as a partner.

I can understand your disappointment, but I think when the emotional dust has settled you will be able to see the tremendous strides you have made, and the many obstacles you have overcome to be who you are now, and then you will hold your head up with pride, and be so totally glad you are no longer with a narrow minded, judgmental, individual who cannot see beyond his nose.

Worry no more about him, life will reward him for his actions, and as for you, life will bless you with a lot better, NO DOUBT. So give him the last of your tears, and get ready for something better, and as you should have learned, never lose faith in yourself, nor put your heart into someone that doesn't deserve a good partner. Obviously this guy doesn't really know what he had, nor how to enjoy it properly. That's his problem, his loss.

You are a good partner, and a good person, and some lucky guy who is a good person like you are, will highly appreciate this fellow, for giving you your freedom, so that he can find you. Its so rough now, but after the storm passes, the sun will shine on you, so get ready to enjoy it.