Dude, I can tell you right now that I can relate to this to some degree. I wish I had seen this a little earlier because it appears as if you've already started reacting sporadically to the stress and pain of the situation. This flurry you just had with your ex will be one of many of you two keep doing the things you are. It could be because of immaturity and will happen inevitably, or it could be because you are not being clear and honest with each other about how you feel and what you want. From the beginning I would've said she wanted you to be there but mightve met some new people or felt a desire to experience some things that were a little more taboo (outside of your relationship). Sounds to me like she might've been doing that. I probably wouldve asked her why she lied and talked about it with her.

The whole finals crap is stupid, unless she always acted like that, the chances are its not just about grades. Sounds to me like she may have been considering taking a step away from the relationship to see what it feels like, which tells me one thing about you guys as a couple. Either, you're way too close all the time, or, you aren't in love but you like the idea of it. Towards the end you made a series of not very well-thought-out moves to determine her feelings, but I don't think you were prepared to do half the things you acted as if you were, nor do I think you were prepared to give this up in the slightest.

However, I do not know your relationship with her. All I can say is, I wish you hadn't dove back in so quick, I think she realized you might be slipping away and grabbed you as quickly as she could. Chances are she's not going to stop whatever she's doing, she's just going to find another way of doing it... or... it'll wait a while, and then come back out the same way it did now. If you're going to stay with her id seriously consider not allowing yourself to be too attatched because I don't think you or her have any idea where this relationship is going, you are acting based on a feeling or a multitude. Relationships are about communication, trust, respect, love etc. not attachment or telling each other you love them in a cute way. Make sure you really think about what's going on dude, don't be a fool, don't go overboard, but don't get played and don't play her. All that you will get is some pretty crucial pain in the end if you do. Take my advice, been there, done that... twice! 2 years a piece, sucks. Im still getting over one now, and believe me, it couldve gone on, I just finally realized to accept the things in the back of my mind that I knew were true and step away from the safety blanket. Good luck to you my friend, and please, if you ever want to talk about it I'm more than down, I check this about every day.

Grayfox. Please, for the sanity of the others, use paragraphs when writing such a long response. It really is too hard to read. I don't even know if you gave good advice, because it gave me a headache! :)

Good reply grayfox.

Seems like the moment you decided to end it, she hadn't quite made up her mind and would rather think about it with you still around as safety than alone, with a much bigger chance of losing you.

The problem is that now you are back together but you have no clue where you stand with her, you just know she had major issues but no idea where she is going with them or where they came from. Aka they can come back at any given time out of the blue. Because of this You will probably be on guard all the time / and more controlling than normal. This will eventually cause her to lose interest/become annoyed and consequently lead to the break up.

Your welcome.

First of all, starbuck, as much as it hurt me to read (and reread) your response, you made some very valid points that I really needed pointed out. At first, I know I have been playing games all along and I need to stop. I should not have done that. You got it right, this was not the only occurrence where I have done that but more of a habit that I have somehow developed without consciously recognizing this. I will work on this. On the other hand, I think I will disagree with you on one of the points you made. I do not think I am very high maintenance, I really did not ask for much from her except her love and as long as I felt it, I wouldn't need her calling me all the time or anything like that.

One of the reasons I did not feel confident following through with what a few people said earlier such as completely break off with her and forget her is because I did not feel like they fully knew the relationship that I have with her. I tried as much as possible not to be one sided and explain mistakes that both of us have made. Although I agree that most relationships have things in common, there are things that make each one unique. As a couple, we have always been different from all the other ones and we would notice and enjoy that fact. We never became happy by just going to movies or having those dinner dates, no matter what we did together, we would be happy. Before we started dating (1.5 years), we knew each other as good friends for 3 years.

Last night was the first night in a while that I actually slept pretty good without staying awake thinking about these things. She told her friends last night that we are back together and that she can't be without me. I even had to give some relationship advice to her friend... making me laugh now that I think about it. When we got together 3 weeks back for that one week, I think we rushed it. It has been some time since and I hope that whatever still needs to be worked out in our minds will be worked out together. Today she has been great and by that I mean she hasn't been all cute and stuff, but it almost felt like she needed me and to some extent I feel things are becoming a bit more mutual. I do not want to jump to conclusions that everything is going to be great from now on, but my hopes that are that we can work this out, together. When I see her on thurs/fri, I want to make it clear to her that although things may seem good, we need to be clear and honest with each other about all of our feelings if we want to be happy together. Thanks for everything you have told me, I was just thinking earlier how amazing it is to have the internet nowadays and people like you to give this advice. Although I have good expectations for this relationship, if we cannot work it out together with her at this point on, as I said, then its just not meant to happen. I will work on myself as well and post back some updates to tell you guys how things are going. Now time to study for finals.

I'm glad you took what I said, in the context it was meant to be. I guess sometime we have to be a little cruel to be kind, if you know what I mean.

I wish you all the best, and hope you can work it out. No more game playing okay? ;)

Make sure you know what you want from this relationship and that it is realistic. Only you know the truth about you two and what is a reasonable expectation for the future. If you don't truly believe that it's a damn good possibility, you are wasting your time and prolonging pain.

Well today went pretty good, she has called me and seemed to be a lot more caring. I've been happy most of the day, with one exception. She asked me an hour ago if she can go to Atlanta for New Years with her friends to see the peach drop. She asked me that because she knows that I cannot go and told her so last year and this year since I always spend that time with my family and cannot miss it. Both this year and last year she said that this has been something she has really wanted to do. Of course, atlanta would imply her going to clubs, drinking , etc. Last year I told her she can go, although she didn't end up going in the end because her friends canceled plans. I recall her telling me last year that she hated sitting at home on new years and always wanted to do something.

This year as expected it would be a bit more bothersome due to what happened, I know for a fact that she does not handle alcohol well at all. She will start drinking and keep drinking until somebody forcefully stops her, I have seen it before both where the person stopping her was me and where it wasn't, both successfully and unsuccessfully. Through the summer she was out of the country, but I knew that she loved me 100% at that point and did not doubt her for a second when she went out to bars and clubs. She always told me that she just goes to have fun and pushes guys off if they come, which I believe is what most girls tend to do at clubs. From what I hear from other girls, they mostly go to clubs and such go hang out and have fun, not go for guys. I highly doubt she would do anything with a guy, but one of my concerns is that I am not there with her and not there to make those memories together. I told her its totally fine, asked about the friends she is going with, who are girls, maybe there will be one or two guys. Did I do the right thing? I did not want to appear controlling on her, I guess I also very worried about her getting out of control than anything else. Her drinking has been a concern of mine for a while, she gets drunk easily. Sometimes she will start casually, but even a single shot or mix drink messes her up and she will try to go for more and more. She does not do it too often, perhaps but in the last 5 months I know she's been drunk like that about 3 or 4 times. Drinking appears to be the way that she handles stress and finds relief. We talked about it but every time after that first drink she forgets the boundaries that she set before that. I haven't seen or heard of her doing anything wrong with another guy while she is drunk or even trying to go for another guy, that is why I am not concerned about that. Only thing is, if I am not there, I know some guy will be taking care of her when this happens... that thought bothers me. Should I tell her that?

Btw, thanks Grayfox for the good recommendations earlier.

Dude, you should definitely tell her how you feel. If you aren't comfortable with her drinking, remind her how she reacts, remind her of the consequences should she drink too much and make mistakes, refer to the past. Hopefully she will be able to guarantee you that she will not drink much or that she will avoid it. You know her, I don't. If it were my girlfriend, id want to know who she was going with and if I could trust them to be careful and make good decisions. If all the boxes check, then I don't see why not. As long as they're trustworthy, careful friends who will be there to help and take care of her, should she accidentally go overboard. Remember man, I know things are peachy right now, but I still feel like you took the easy way out and those issues are going to come up again, you're taking cautious steps to avoid problems, but you also initiated a little honeymoon period kind of deal when you got back together, and when that fades make sure you're still working to fix your problems in the relationship. Something I learned from being on this site is to only worry about the things you can control. If you trust her then you trust her. If she screws you over, all you can say is that you did the best you could and the problem then is hers. Be honest, just don't be overbearing about it.

Yeah man, I just told her exactly how I felt, wasn't even specifically referring to her trip. She said she will not do that again and will be much more careful about drinking, she said that it is her new years resolution. So that should be good, I've seen her hold her liquor before, so I know it is possible. People buying her drinks and giving them to her one after another is what usually gets her drinking since she isn't 21 yet.

Well then, good luck with everything, sounds like you've got it worked out to your liking.

Well today went pretty good, I still thought a lot mostly about what I wanted to say to her when I see her about us being more honest with one another and that our happiness and excitement together may have masked the lack of truthful communication that we need to work on if we want to stay together. I initially had plans to see her on Thursday after getting done with finals, she mentioned though that her girl friends might be planning a night out to celebrate the end of the school year. Of course I am not going to keep her from that so I did not mention anything about her not wanting to see me or anything like that. I hope she will want to see me on Friday and we can finally talk in person about things. Again, I think I will try not to direct attention on that, if she has the desire to see me and misses me, she will do so on her own without my reminders. Also we were planning to go on a winter trip for a couple days next week, but she said her relatives may be coming and her mom may not let her go. So, I did not push that either, I want to let her decide things and watch in what direction her decisions flow.

Whatever you are doing is absolutely right. But be prepared for a much greater shock then all the shocks you have mentioned.

Quote:

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I want to let her decide things and watch in what direction her decisions flow.

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Why can't you make a decision for yourself, without her influence?

Well talaniman, I decided a couple days ago that I have a very strong desire to work on our relationship and make each other happy in the long run. Now I want to see if she is willing to do the same together and that is her decision.
I recognize that things will not go back to what they were a year ago with us where the initial rush of the relationship covered up our faults. But neither do I want them to, I want a partner in life with whom we can work out things like this, since I am fairly confident they come with every relationship and in some unfortunate cases do not surface before marriage.

Ill tell you what you're doing right now, the same thing a lot of people do on this site. You're asking advice then not really taking it. You already know what you want and that is this relationship regardless of what the circumstances are. Sure, obviously you'd like it to go the best way it can and if its ever going to end you want it to "end well". The sad thing is, that rarely happens. I don't know if now is the best time for you to be thinking about a partner, but I understand your desire to work things out with one when you have one. However, make sure you are getting what you want out of this as well, it needs to be mutual. Otherwise you are only settling to fill the void in your life that would exist should your relationship not be there. All I'm saying is that it sounds like things were going one way, then you guys rushed back in real quick before you could really get a good look at what was going on. Now nothing is really fixed, although you're being careful. Just look at the relationship realistically and don't lie to yourself to be temporarily happy, the pain you'll go through later isn't worth it. Handle these things now and if they can't be handled then do the right thing, the hard thing. Pushing something that isn't right because of attachment really won't make you happier in the long run, its up to you to decide whether its right or wrong, just be honest. Make sure you're getting what you want too!

Yeah Grayfox and talaniman, I do not want to be foolish and not take the advice of those who have gone through this before. So you guys think that there is no way that we will work this out and I am wasting my time?

This girl made me very happy in the past and I believe that if we work this out, we can be even happier. Am I fooling myself when thinking all this?

It also feels like by ending it, I am taking an easy route out by trying to keep myself from being hurt and always wondering what could have been...

Whoa whoa. Im not saying you should end it man, just be honest with yourself. You know what feelings you have. Make sure you aren't justifying staying together or working on something simply out of attachment. I felt the same way about my ex, even now part of me wants to work it out over winter break, but I know that's not for my best. You have to reach deep inside yourself and determine if you have feelings that you're putting aside that you know you should face, such as knowing that its wrong, or knowing that you deserve better, whatever it may be. Don't waste your time on something if you know the outcome is ultimately going to be the ending of a relationship. That's for you to determine, but from what you've said so far, I think you have mixed feelings and those need to be worked out beyond a reasonable doubt before you let yourself get attached again. Right now you're being cautious, that's good, but is there something you know that you aren't facing?

I don't feel like by ending it you are taking the easy route at all, that's the hard route. Not ending it, and allowing yourself to live in a comfortable situation (even if its wrong) is the easy route. Don't get walked on, make sure you're getting something you want out of this. Don't continue if you know its wrong, because then it doesn't matter what could've been... it won't be as good as what will be if you do the right thing. Take your time, communicate, face the truth. Then decide if staying together will have more benefits then breaking up(in the long run). You can make something good out of just about every bad relationship (a learning experience) but you may wish you hadn't wasted so much time on something you knew would fail ultimately. Just a thought.

OK man, I see what you were saying earlier. I think some time here is the key for me right now as you said along with honest communication between me and her. That is a difficult point also at times like this because we live two hours apart.

I generally have very optimistic views in life, whether it is regarding my career, relationships or anything else, that is why I do not feel like it will be wasting time regardless. I am only 20, I think I have a solid career in engineering ahead of me, so I have plenty of things to fill my time with and do not necessarily think I am doing this because of the gap, but time will tell...

Again, I don't know how to thank you guys for the suggestions, I am just very grateful. I'll keep posting updates.

Being honest with yourself, means telling her your not going to be in limbo while she thinks about it, and you two still date like you are together. Your not.

Where's the healing to get some reality?? Nope your going along, I think, because you want her back officially, and your afraid she will forget you, and move on leaving you alone.

Not trying to be harsh, but working together is not about waiting for her to want to be there, its about being there, and leaving these silly pity pat I see you, can you see me, games alone.

For one, no ex partner gets to have you when its convenient, after they dump you. Sorry guy, there just ain't that much love in the world.