I've been on this NC for 4 days.. I thought I might write something. Ive used this site to express feelings and to get feedback. So I figured id write a blind letter to my ex explaining how I feel. You guys can comment if you like.
Dear Ex,
I have been thinking about you constantly these last few days. Its still hard that we are not together anymore. But I learned a lot, and still am even now. The #1 thing is to never forget who you are, and don't let your insecurities get the best of you. For that its pretty much what made me so much of a annoying wreck towards u. Because I didn't learn.
It would always be once a week we would argue for two months. And it was hell. The bad did outweigh the good in our relationship as every time we made up we would still argue. Mostly because of me. I have lied to you. Even though it wasn't big lies, it was a lie nonetheless. I have acted like a fool, and was too clingy towards you. Although we live in different states, the point is I don't need to be ringing up your fone so many times to talk. There is always the next day or even later on. And my mushyness, I know you are not much of a romantic type person. I'm not either. But every time I made a mistake I seem to use my emotions to back me out. The crying the begging the whole oh please don't leave me was getting old, and I didn't learn. And the amount of times that people would tell me to give her space and just relax you have nothing to worry about. I didn't listen. Instead I panic. And started to doubt myself. And even started to think things.
The one thing I regret. Was when I thought you had feelings for our friend. Probably because he was better looking or he made you laugh more at time where I was trying to just be calm. My jealousy has definitely made me not act like myself. And he was even giving me advice. I was a fool. To think a nice guy like him would stoop that low. And for that I apologize.
We had a lot of plans together. Our future to spend the rest of our lives together in marriage. For over a year I know you and describe you as the girl of my dreams. I honestly don't want it to be a dream. I have told you how I felt. And I told you that I don't want to get back together to screw up. But to just do better. Because I know I can. However how long will I wait is definitely a question. To be honest after 4 days I start to feel that everyday without an answer was a waste of my one day to live free. Because I don't know if your thinking about it. Or if you have alreadly move on and found someone else. You told me that you missed the person you fell in love with. And that your not saying we are going to be together. And your also not saying we are not. But you hope that ill get myself together and soon.
I don't need to look. Nor do a search on myself. Because like all of us. We have strengths and we have flaws. Some in which we don't know until it finally hits us on the head or someone lets us know. And that night when you told me that I needed to grow up. Gave me a wake up call. I know who I am. I don't need to change anything for anybody. I have a heart. I know I made mistakes. But I know I can learn from them and be a better person. I believe in myself. Honestly I do hope I hear from you soon. But if not. That's all right. Life goes on. And eventually I will too. But like I said. Whether we do get back together, or not. My heart will always be with you. Because no matter what I love you. You know what I want. If u were not worth it I would not have taken that chance and told you how I felt, instead I would have probably just kept it and try to move on. But there are few people I believe that are worth if I could word it out right, "chasing after" and for that I had to let go. There's a lot more I can say. But ill leave it at that... for now... but always remember I'm thinking about u.
I feel a little better after writing this. Feel free to comment.
Bobby
