Ask Me Help Desk - This is not right is it?

Why is a big mistake turning into something bigger that it is?
It did start over this rude comment at dinner table in front of friends. Probably trying to look cool in front of the guys and making me look like sh*t.

What text? He didn't send me no text!

Why is he upset Talamanian?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Not to excuse his bad behavior at all, but a big mistake to make this into something bigger, than it is. This didn't start with a simple argument over a comment, we both know that.

Let the emotional dust settle, and talk about it. A few days of peace, will do you good. Give each other some space. If your not going to at least put out an olive branch, don't text. Why should you.

I read his text in your other post, and since you both want an apology for what you both think you've been wronged about, you are at stalemate so back off, and don't trip about his attitude.

Sometimes it doesn't matter who was right or wrong, but how you go about rectifying the situation, and a cool head goes a long way.

He is upset, as are you, and nothing is accomplished butting heads, and making demands, whether they are deserved or not.

That text was the text she intended to send not a text from him

You expect an awful lot of apologies from this man, every post it's something else that he has done wrong. He could be equally as angry about your behavior. You claim he was rude the way he spoke to you, but pushing yourself into a conversation to ask about a drink is rude, the proper thing would have been to say "excuse me" and then ask him. I would have been angry to if my fiancée was doing that while I was in the middle of a conversation.

If you are always holding onto grudges and not letting things go, it's never going to work. He probably feels like he can't make you happy with all your demands. That's my view from reading all of your posts, not just this one. A little line from a song I tell EVERY girl I date

"If you don't expect too much from me, then you won't be let down"

Well he says the same
"never expect anything from anyone'

Maybe I do expect a lot of aplogises... but why can't he say sorry for acting like a right p*ick yesterday!

Can no one apart from neverme say what a rude attitude he had?

I'm bad one and I should back off?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

You expect an awful lot of apologies from this man, every post it's something else that he has done wrong. He could be equally as angry about your behavior. You claim he was rude the way he spoke to you, but pushing yourself into a conversation to ask about a drink is rude, the proper thing would have been to say "excuse me" and then ask him. I would have been angry to if my fiancee was doing that while I was in the middle of a conversation.

Thing is I can say sorry to him for that.. because I acknowledge where I done wrong!

But he is proud he wouldn't dare say sorry for that comment! And the rest

Is it possible that you did something to upset him..

Not that I'm aware of.
Believe I went through all of this in my head.

For the past 3 weeks its was magical. We were loveable, sweet, caring, leaving I love you notes on the fridge. We cook dinners toegther...
Everything was great :(

You are making me dizzy. Don't get mad, listen for a minute.

First you complain adamantly about how unbearable his actions are until we believe you and encourage you to move away from this situation.

Then, you respond with how wonderful he is... oh my.

If you used this conversational tactic on me with any regularity, I would learn to tune you out, too. Do you understand this point?

I'm not rationalizing his behavior, I'm pointing out again (like I did with you once before) that you are most likely participating in this situation in ways you're not admitting to us or yourself.

==============
Having said all of that, I have a general philosophy for people who are dating: Nobody treats you badly a second time without your permission.

He treats you badly and you protect him and you by putting up with it. Worse, when you DO try to do something about it, you seem to think apologies are the magic cure. They're not. Apologies are meaningless without a change in attitude.

That's HIS point, by the way. He's telling you he's not going to apologize for things he doesn't acknowledge. He doesn't value peace, he doesn't value your sense of security, he doesn't put your feelings ahead of or at least equal to his own.

You know what? He doesn't have to, either. You should accept this, because until you do you won't properly deal with stopping it. You will continue to whine and mope and apology-seek and post here on the forum... and you know what will happen? Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

His behavior is therefore acceptable. You complaining about it and making no changes in your life is tantamount to permission for him to just keep doing it. You get that?
==========

So, you can't live with it and you don't know how to effectively talk to him since he's learned to ignore your voice (as he so lovingly put it.) So what do you do?

If you've accepted that you WON'T live this way, then you already know what comes next. You've already stated you might be better off single.

Honey, you are single. You've dated this guy for 7 years longer than is healthy. I'm not holding out any hope that you can solve this situation in any way while still together. I don't mean living together, I mean together at all.

Time to admit what it true. The only way familiar-ok-dating-behavior ever turns into true love is because you keep moving through the commitment levels and holding each other up through those levels. You two stagnated years ago and neither one of you is willing to risk making that real.
===========

Move out. Break up. No anger, no pointless speeches. "I care enough about you to leave you alone."

Afterward, maybe you two can try actually dating again, by that I mean going out on specific times to do specific things meant to make each other feel good, then go to your respective homes when it's over. You know... a date!

But I'd seriously consider dating others as well. There are men out there desperately committed to finding a lifemate to build up and encourage. You may already know several. Give them a shot.

But in the end, no one treats you badly twice without your permission. The punishment for bad treatment, the one that works, is to deprive the bad behavers of your company.

(novella ends)

It is quite confusing to go back and forth, on two threads with the same subject.

Quote:

Can no one apart from neverme say what a rude attitude he had?
I'm bad one and I should back off?

No one is forgiving his bad behavior here. Only trying to get you to see you can't make him do what you want him too, no matter how right you think you are.

Thats why you back off, as we can all see something you can't, he felt justified for his actions, and is as PO'd as you are.

Thats why you back off to cool off, both of you, and have a chance to either come at this another way, or take a long break, and figure it out.

Two stubborn people who will give no space, never resolve anything. So back to the question of why he is mad.

Sweetheart, I think it is time to get out of that relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by flower81

Not that im aware of.
Believe i went through all of this in my head.

For the past 3 weeks its was magical. we were loveable, sweet, caring, leaving i love u notes on the fridge. We cook dinners toegther...
Everything was great :(

I'm sorry you're being treated bad out of nowhere.

If you're trying to make yourself look like a victim - that's not fair, because now we don't like this guy.

But, if the behavior is honestly out of nowhere... LEAVE, and GET OUT. Don't let the emotional abuse continue - YOU'RE A STRONGER PERSON THEN THAT.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Not to excuse his bad behavior at all, but a big mistake to make this into something bigger, than it is. This didn't start with a simple argument over a comment, we both know that.

Let the emotional dust settle, and talk about it. A few days of peace, will do you good. Give each other some space. If your not going to at least put out an olive branch, don't text. Why should you.

I read his text in your other post, and since you both want an apology for what you both think you've been wronged about, you are at stalemate so back off, and don't trip about his attitude.

Sometimes it doesn't matter who was right or wrong, but how you go about rectifying the situation, and a cool head goes a long way.

He is upset, as are you, and nothing is accomplished butting heads, and making demands, whether they are deserved or not.

Was told again to 'spread it dear', but I think you are right.
No matter who texted or who started the incident, in my opinion, this is not the first time and probably won't be the last, even if they do settle down again.

I think, through reading what I have so far, is that he is sick and tired of being 'told' what to do in front of others.. she should not yell, or try to get his attention when he is busy. She should have waited, and if he did not want to listen to the other 'friend' then he probably had a reason for it.
Men, just as women, don't like to be 'addressed' in a confrontation form in front of company, no matter what the issue and should be left alone to make their own decisions whether to respond or not.
There is no need to reprimand anyone while out, or when back home if it is to try to approach them as children and tell them that they 'behaved' bad and they better 'apologize' right NOW... Hey, where did the grown-ups go?
There are three individuals in all of us, the infant, adolescent, and the adult, and it is time to practice which 'individual' should take over in any given situation.
So, flower... you should step back and look which individual in you demands the upper hand in most situations. If it is the adolescent, then you should train your adult to grow up and take control. We cannot control the actions of others but we certainly can control our own reactions to them to achieve harmony. All it takes is time and patience... and knowing when to let an issue be if it not important enough to create discord in public.
Sorry flower, but you both are headstrong and should talk in a normal manner to resolve your differences and for goodness sake, stop this Facebook, and text sh*t. The computer and internet are fine, but not to communicate you feelings in a relationship. This should be face-to-face, and in a cordial manner.
If you have been together for 9 years, apparently you both have qualities that you share and like - find them, work on them, and stop this competition as to who is right or wrong.. we all make mistakes as humans, and men do need the right to retreat - even if you don't want them to - so look for the signals and you won't get into situations like this again.
Hope this helped a little... the key is to communicate, but with each other and NOT at each other.

Good luck,
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