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Save yourself more misery, and pain, and get someone who is emotionally available to you. She is not, and her confusion is becoming your confusion.
Given what you've been through, disappear from her life, as sure she needs you, until her b/f comes back. Read my signature, all of it.
If you Love this girl with all your heart completely, than let her know. Do it by something she and you both love to do together. Like for example, make her a dinner for two at your house, with two candles, a meal you both LOVE, than after that try to do something like giving her a dozen roses along with an "I miss you" card. Maybe even some chocolate. Once she gets to the center of her favorite piece of candy, she will find the ring, while you are kneeling at her feet, asking her the most important question that you both have been waiting for. You have worked so hard at this, let her know it.
Felice... I have done everything possible in the last week or so that I could do.
The only thing left is space, and if she misses me, and sees I'm what she wants and needs then maybe things could work out.
But if she doesn't feel that, then I have to move on, and that's what is so hard for me. Because now it's really not in my hands. I have to hope that things work out, and I have to try not to continue to be stuck where I am now.
Maybe that's all you need to do is give her some time to realize that you really do Love her. Try stepping back for a little bit maybe a week and see what happens in that time. Just don't even bother her. If she really wants to be with you, she just might realize that your thinking of her before yourself and giving her that time to think that she might need. I really hope things work out for the best for you! Good luck!Quote:
Originally Posted by jtballer
With all due respect to felice, why out of all the responses is this the one you held onto and choose to respond to? The reason I ask is because basically she says the same thing everybody else said about staying away from her but she also gives you some false hope that she'll come around, and worst of all she says to make her dinner, give her roses, and a card? Why... WHY would your reward disrespectful behavior? Your girl has no interest in you. Her interest level is so low with you because you have taken any challenge, any meaning, and any tension out of the relationship by constantly being available. Once again I'll say you continue to make every mistake imaginable and it continues to blow up in your face. When... WHEN are you going to wake up and see that she's using you. I'm telling you it's so obvious that you are getting played and you don't even see what's she's doing. You are her back up plan for when the other guy that tells her what to do drops her... if he does. She keeps you there so she has someone to fall back on should he dump her, which she knows is a great possibility because he keeps her in check while you pick up the check. ( I just came up with that, I'm going to use it again! Hopefully, not on JT but we'll see).
JT, no you have not. You have made every mistake possible. It's quite annoying actually. I mean when I used to make these mistakes nobody was giving me advice, you had that going for you.Quote:
Originally Posted by jtballer
While you have been showing her around and giving her whatever she wants, the other guy she's screwing around with mans up and tells her what he wants and expects out of her and she follows suit because women like leaders. You are a follower, following her looking for every scrap she throws and holding onto it like it means something, when to her it's just a game for her to keep you in line because the other guy she's screwing will not tolerate such behavior. In fact, when there's another guy in the picture that's a good clue something's not right. In fact I'd say that's the biggest clue the relationship is over.
Do you know why she'd come back to you? Because it didn't work out with the other guy. That is the only reason. You are not someone she misses, you are someone she keeps in case there is nobody else. She needs you to be available at a moments notice so that she doesn't have to take an emotional fall when she gets dumped by the other guy or someone else.Quote:
Originally Posted by jtballer
Are you really telling us that you are not worth any more then to be some user's back up plan?
She doesn't.Quote:
Originally Posted by jtballer
Why wait?Quote:
Originally Posted by jtballer
JT, it's hard for anybody in your spot. It sucks getting dumped. It sucks loving someone that doesn't love you back. It sucks being second best. It sucks getting used. Nobody is disagreeing that you are in an emotional turning situation, but at some point you have to say that no matter how bad it is, she is one woman in 3 billion, and quite honestly, she's not what you think she is, and she's not worth the hell you are putting yourself through.Quote:
Originally Posted by jtballer
Break ups are not easy, but with time they get better. But you know what's worse then break ups, it's getting used and allowing it to happen. You allow it to happen, and do you honestly think she gives a damn? Do you honestly think she cares one bit how much pain your in? You torture yourself and she screws another guy. That's not love and she's not worth it.
Actually that's the problem. You have given her all your power. You have played right into her, and you don't even get it. You don't even see what's right in front of you. It's not in your hands because you have sat back and essentially said, "I'm available to be your emotional tampon whenever you need me to buy you something or talk about how mean the other guy you are screwing is." Honestly, if you were a woman, is this kind of guy you'd want in your life?Quote:
Originally Posted by jtballer
This was in your hands at one time, but you let fear of being alone guide you into giving her all your power. Now when she comes crawling back you'll help her up and give her what little power you have gained by NC and repeat the process.
Instead the proper approach would be, when she comes crawling back to tell her you've moved on. Even if you did want her, and honestly only you and God know why you would want someone who treats you like this, but make her earn it to get you back. You won't do that though, you'll always be there for her at a moment's notice. That's not love, that's an addiction, and she knows this better then anybody and she uses it against you.
I can not for the life of me figure out why hope things work out?Quote:
Originally Posted by jtballer
I get being in love with someone who doesn't love you back, I get the addiction that forces you to want to be with her, but at some point your love for self has to step up and say, no woman's love on God's green earth is worth making yourself miserable and being disrespected, and of all those women, certainly not your ex who uses you time and again.
Wow chuff, those are some great things you just said.
I am staying strong so far. I haven't been calling or texting and have not made one attempt to even utter anything that would seem like I want to be with her or even see her or hang out with her.
I just know that I am the one that messed up. And I keep hating myself for thinking if I would have just woken up and not been the way I was then she would not have changed and this would not be happening.
A few months ago I had the chance to move with her and I didn't take it. And then things just kept getting worse.
She used to have no friends and I was all she had. And I basically treated her like she treats me now. I cheated on her and she cried like crazy and told me never to come back, but then a few weeks later we were back together and were great for about a year. And then she started to make friends and now she is friends with everyone that is in my circle.
And what makes this entire situation worse: I have basically stopped seeing and talking to all of my friends and she was the only person I ever talked to or tried to do anything with. And I was so happy actually with that for the longest time. But now, she has actually over the last few months started to befriend that entire group.
So now she has all this new support to help her get over me, but she couldn't before because she had no one. But what makes it so crazy for me is that her support group are all my old friends. So what do I do? How can I get back into my friends when she is now best friends with all the of them. All of my guy friends' girlfriends now hang out with her. So if I hang out with my friends, she is always going to be lingering around.
And that is my problem. I do not know what to do! I feel so completely hopeless. I feel a lot better when I'm able to get out. But then there are nights where I can't find something to do and I sit by myself and just am so miserable.
I don't know what to do
Well I guess if breaking it off is the only thing left to do, than that's what you are going to have to do. Why ask other people if you already know your answer? Is it because your unsure? I'm very sorry that there is no hope, I really wish that there was some other way that things could work in your favor! If you want to continue talking or trying other alternatives, I would love to help.
Thank you. Trust me, I wish I was born smart but like you I've had to deal with this the hard way hopefully unlike you I've allowed the same mistakes over and over.Quote:
Originally Posted by jtballer
Yes you are and the truth is you are stronger then you are giving yourself credit for. That's why when I keep reading the same mistakes over and over I get so annoyed because I can tell you are a emotionally strong person, but you are not using that strength... or at least you weren't in the previous posts.Quote:
Originally Posted by jtballer
Keep that up. When she pops up in your head, tell yourself you'll think about her later and try to change what you are focusing on.Quote:
Originally Posted by jtballer
JT, stop this. You have nothing to blame yourself for, and you certainly should not hate yourself. We all screw up and make mistakes but you have to turn that around and learn from them. You'll get something from this break up that she won't. You'll get an education. She will repeat her behavior over and over.Quote:
Originally Posted by jtballer
While I won't defend your previous behavior don't you see something about this woman that is a huge character flaw? She put up with your constant disrespect and even cheating, and now uses you while this other guy treats her exactly how she treated you. Is this honestly the mental condition of a woman you want in your life?Quote:
Originally Posted by jtballer
Stick around this website and learn. Learn what to do in these situations. Also, you can find new friends, and you can hang out with the old friends while she's nowhere around. If they bring her up, change the subject.Quote:
Originally Posted by jtballer
Get a gym membership and workout. You don't need anybody else for that. If you can't afford one, talk long walk every night. Find something you've been putting off for a long time and focus on that. Take this time you've got as a positive in your life. You will fill miserable longer if you don't force yourself to start thinking positive.Quote:
Originally Posted by jtballer
Wow, the problem with rating your posts, Chuff, is there are to many darn good ones. Your advice is dead on, and I can only add, JT, its time to broaden your friends circle to include people and activities, she wont be involved in.
JT quit blaming yourself. I know that you feel really guilty about the entire situation, but the fact of the matter is... it takes two. You tried your hardest... maybe not in the ways you should have, but SHE is the one who made this choice... she made this bed and you have to make her lie in it if she wants you back. Stay strong... when she cries lonely, don't go running to her... do everything you can to keep from doing that... you'll just subject yourself to more pain... she'll also have less respect for you. Sure, it may be what you want... for things to work out and stuff... but the plain and simple truth is, she has to be willing to make sacrifices before that ever happens...
Stay strong and like I said; Hang in there... I know it's hell, but just keep going... there's going to be a light somewhere... you just got to find it...
Well here's the latest update:
Monday night I went out to my friends to hang out and she ended up showing up. She was drunk and I ended up getting her to come home with me. On the way I started to ask her questions, because when she's drunk she will say her true feelings and say things she wouldn't normally say.
Basically she told me she wants to make it work with this other guy and that one day she feels we will be together. I told her to shut up because that's just bull.
But we ended up having sex, and the next day I took her to work. Later that day she called me because she needed a ride and I just laughed and said bye and hung up.
I haven't talked to her since and its been about two days.
But I am taking this soooo hard. When I wake up, I am like devastated every morning. I wake up and before I even realize I'm awake it's like it is just all in my head already and once I am finally awake I'm just laying there thinking how sad I am and how messed up it all is.
I hate life
Wow. You are an arse, took advantage of a drunk girl, then tried to act tough by telling her to shove it when she called for a ride?
Then want sympathy because you are taking this "so hard."
No sympathy from me, you were wrong for taking advantage of her.
WHAT?
After she broke up with me she has been using my car all weekend until last Monday.
And I did not take advantage of her. She was basically sober by the time we were home.
And also I'm not trying to act tough by not giving her a ride. I have let her use me since she broke up with me and told her it had to stop. Everyone told me I'm a chump for letting her use me but I told them how I didn't want to see her lose her job and get all messed up, so I tried to just ride it out for a few days, but finally I had to stop being used.
No wonder your having a hard time. You're the one making bad decision, after bad decision.
Then sex on top of it?? Guy, I was sympathetic at first, but not now. Rome is right.
JT I agree with you, and it kills me to disagree with Rome but you did nothing wrong in one sense. I don't think you took advantage of her at all, she's been taking of advantage of you forever. Also, calling her on her lies is exactly what you should have done all along.
That being said, if Rome was meaning you should not have even slept with her, I'd agree with that. Both for your own emotional healing and to let her know you don't need her. Women sleep with guys to keep them interested and in your case emotionally screwed up. At some point you have to man up and say to yourself, "This girl is not worth feeling like crap all the time for. I will allow myself to get over her by getting away from her, and if that means I won't be able to have sex with her then so be it." You can't sleep your way to emotional healing.
JT... You need to just cut her off completely. It's not doing you, or her any good at this point. Like I said before, you're just causing yourself more heartache and sending yourself into a tail spin. If you want it to work AT ALL, you have to take her out of your life and off this pedistal that you're holding her on in some part of your head. You have to be strong, not show any weakness at all when she's around. I don't agree with you sleeping with her, but I think you did the right thing when she called wanting to use you...
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