Ask Me Help Desk - Break Up to Get Back

A stunning Chuff admission is about to happen but before it does let me address this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

F**ck off pal.

We are not pals. Nor will I F off. I may be direct, and it may not sit well with you and you certainly have every right to tell me to F off but at the end of the day it's you I'm trying to help here. It's over and it's plain as day you are stuck on her. Now, I'm not going to tell you I've never been there, because I have but I'm not your enemy, I'm one of the guys trying to help you see what's going on because you clearly do not.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

Don't you dare call me a stalker.

Okay I may have gone to far with the stalker comment and for that one I apologize. I was wrong about that.

Now, that being said, will you do me a favor? Reread your original post where you tell us you have been dating this girl for 60 days and every other post after that.

You are not a stalker in the sense you are following her around, but you are way to stuck on her for such a short period. You are stuck on her and you can't let go. You come off like you think way too much about her. You fell way to hard and way to soon. You wanted way too much and you wanted it way to soon. She wants nothing to do with you and it's clear as day and you just don't get it. You can direct your anger at me for that, but that's not my fault... that's your reality. I'm just telling it to you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

Even if something I said set you off, and it shouldn't because it has nothing to do with you, you still have no right to say that.

First you said nothing to set me off.

Second the argument that it had nothing to do with is lame, and always pops up when someone gets a reality lesson they don't like. You posted your situation on a public forum of which I am a member. When you put you situation out there you get a variety of answers. You don't have to like them, or who there coming from but don't try and brush off your issues by claiming I have nothing to do with them. I'd go so far as to say I have more to do with trying to correct your behavior then she does. At least I'm honest enough to address them. She just avoids you. I'm the one that has the courage to point out what's wrong with your behavior and it's your behavior that caused you this situation. If you want to keep going in circles go to Whywon'tshecallmewhenikeepcontactingher.com. If you want to take an honest look at what's going on you've come to the correct place.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

You're right, we didn't speak for two-weeks because she didn't want to talk to me, but nothing was spoken along the lines of a break-up and there was no definition,

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Here's a brick wall... let me insert my head
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You didn't speak for two weeks because she was ignoring you.

YOU DIDN'T SPEAK FOR TWO WEEKS BECAUSE SHE WAS IGNORING YOU.

If she was remotely into you, she would not have not talked to you for two weeks. Are you kidding me? That is your argument for not talking for two weeks? There was no break up definition? When she doesn't talk to you for two weeks that means she's not interested and that's the very definition of break up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

and that's what I need She has her needs, and I have mine.

She has the need to be left alone and that's why she didn't contact you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

But back to your prick-attitude:

I was hoping we could get back to that. I'm getting tired of defining the obvious.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

I can't believe you went that far for no reason whatsoever.

Well, I've already admitted stalker may have been to far. But I had my reasons. I read your posts and how you can't let go after a 60 day relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

It's jerks like you that hurt the credibility this forum.

I am not always right. I've been wrong before. I'll be wrong again. But I've been on this forum for over 2 years. You've been here for 2 weeks. I have over 2000 posts. You don't even have a 100. I've had people specifically email asking for my opinion away from the boards. I've had people tell me my advice is what got them turned around. I even had one person offer to send me money for helping him. You can not like my answers. You can not like me. But I will hold my credibility next to yours and what your doing any time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

The repetitive sarcasm was a pretentious touch

I thought it was kind of funny myself.

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Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

to an already jerk-off post

Hey do me a favor. Send your ex girlfriend of 60 days the link for this topic. Ask her if she thinks the Slapshot or Chuff is the jerk off.

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Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

and your signature clearly shows you have an enormous ego.

Guilty as charged!

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

Let some air out of that inflated head of yours and show respect.

You earn respect, and you have neither earned from you ex girlfriend of 60 days nor myself. I'm sure you heartbroken. Slapshot isn't this what really happened. Didn't you fall hard and fall quick for a girl and when that did not turn out the way you wanted you got desperate. You started over thinking everything, which in turn only made it worse. When that didn't work you came here and told your story. When you ignored the advice and continued harassing (not stalking and that's and accurate description) her she continued to ignore you. When that didn't work you posted some more nonsense. Then finally not being able to take it anymore someone of great wisdom not because he was born with it but sadly because he's been where you are spoke up and said, "KNOCK IT THE F OFF." Then because of YOUR inflated ego you couldn't handle it when someone didn't give you the same old answer you are accustomed to hearing you took out all your frustrations on a person who tried to get you to see the reality of this situation. You can direct your anger at me, but at the end of the day I'm not making every mistake imaginable with this woman.

She's not into you. It happens. It's happened to me more then I care to admit. There are 3 billion more of them out there. I'm truly telling you this as a guy who's been in your spot and despite how I come across I truly don't want to see you suffering because I know you are, but sometimes you just have to let it go. Consider yourself lucky, you didn't invest years, you invested months, it's over and you should give yourself permission to move forward. Now all I'm asking is that you learn from this and don't make the same mistake again and again.

It's little games like these that scare me about starting dating again. You truly have to shift through piles of BS to find someone really worth it.

That's what dating is about, and why you have to be on guard about getting carried away by your intense feelings, so you can sift thru the BS, with a clear and rational head.

Quote:

Originally Posted by chuff

Now all I'm asking is that you learn from this and don't make the same mistake again and again.

Yeah... this is actually the second time I made this mistake. The first time happened four years ago, I had been careful about not making the same mistake again and was fine up until this girl. Situations were different but the underlying theme was the same.

Quote:

Originally Posted by chuff

Then because of YOUR inflated ego you couldn't handle it when someone didn't give you the same old answer you are accustomed to hearing you took out all your frustrations on a person who tried to get you to see the reality of this situation.

The part about the ego is true, but I also don't respond well to insults, not too many people do.

Oh well, I least I still have my band. Music is the one thing that gets me through everything.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

Yeah... this is actually the second time I made this mistake.

In the end, I just feel so stupid and fooled, I never saw this coming and I usually can tell when things are on a downward spiral.

Twice? Not bad! I've probably made the same mistake 20 times. Don't be like me!

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

The part about the ego is true

While having a big ego is... in my opinion, not a bad thing it doesn't mean you can't make mistakes or do something wrong. Being confident in one's self is great, but at the same time you have to admit when something's not working. Look, what you've done I've done many times. Believe me when I tell you I want no guy to go through that. But if your going to make mistakes make the mistakes mean something and learn from them so the ego bruise now makes you stronger in the future.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

and being pissed anyway, but I also don't respond well to insults, not too many people do.

While I will fully admit to being direct, the idea is not to insult you, it's to get you out of the same line of thinking you are in. We all get stuck in neutral sometimes, my comments were not meant to be insulting they were to knock you out of neutral.

So if you took anything personal I'm sorry about that, as that was not my intent. The stalker comment was certainly to far, but you also didn't seem to be letting it go when it seemed obvious to me she was not interested. Are you going to break into her house... No but you also wouldn't stop contacting her when she kept pulling away. That was my point, you would not let up which in turn was only pushing her further away.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

Oh well, I least I still have my band. Music is the one thing that gets me through everything.

That will get you through this, and you will get through. When the emotions die down, look back with a clear head and look at what worked and what didn't. Change what didn't.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

F**ck off pal. Don't you dare call me a stalker. Even if something I said set you off, and it shouldn't because it has nothing to do with you, you still have no right to say that.

You're right, we didn't speak for two-weeks because she didn't want to talk to me, but nothing was spoken along the lines of a break-up and there was no definition, and that's what I need She has her needs, and I have mine.

But back to your prick-attitude: I can't believe you went that far for no reason whatsoever. It's jerks like you that hurt the credibility this forum. The repetitive sarcasm was a pretentious touch to an already jerk-off post and your signature clearly shows you have an enormous ego.

Let some air out of that inflated head of yours and show respect.

Chuff likes to exercise tough love. He means well, he's more of a 'shake a person back to reality' and I'm pretty sure he expects the same to be done to him in the event his vision gets blured.

Now back to your issue. I suspect that you haven't learned anything from the Facebook message she replied that you didn't already know. This just confirms it, and provides you with the closure to learn from this and move on. Now the challenge is accepting it. And you've been faced with the challenge of accepting that this relationship won't work out throughout the most part of this saga but unfortunately, you did what most people in your situation would have done, which is to cling to any amount of hope you can get... but no more, congratulations, you're free.

Next challenge: When you start moving on (maybe date someone else) and she suddenly comes back into the picture to mess with your mind, DON'T LET HER.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dragonfly1234

This just confirms it, and provides you with the closure to learn from this and move on.

Closure was exactly what I was looking for. It makes NC much easier from here-on-out.

In the picture she shall remain; her best-friend is my best-friend's fiancée, we're bound to cross paths down the road.

I haven't tried to contact her since my latest update and she hasn't really been on my mind at all. I've been more focused on classes, upcoming shows with my band, the election and landing a permanent position where I currently intern when I graduate college in December.

But, I am curious, do you think I was wrong to even attempt to contact her when we all knew she was ignoring me just so I could tell her what I needed to (closure)? I felt like I was owed the right.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

But, I am curious, do you think I was wrong to even attempt to contact her when we all knew she was ignoring me just so I could tell her what I needed to (closure)? I felt like I was owed the right.

I understand what you mean about closure being needed, but the reality is, in break ups closure is something you rarely get. To answer your question, when she was ignoring you, the proper response is to ignore her back. When they pull back, you pull back. The more you keep contacting her, the more desperate you look to her, and the more desperate you become. The reality you can't tell someone what you need to tell them if they don't care, you just become more upset that they aren't interested and you take a few steps down and you are already in the hole.

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I felt like I was owed the right.

That's a good one, obviously she doesn't agree. Chances are your closure will only confuse you. Let it go, and get closure from healing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

I felt like I was owed the right.

To follow up what Tal said, The truth is everybody is owed the right for the truth after the break up. The reality is very, very few are ever given the truth or the right for closure. This something I have struggled with myself for years because as you probably have gathered I'm kind of a direct person, and I sort of expect that back but during a break up women (and men too for that matter) usually just want to get it over with and break up and move on. Women know the break up is coming long before the break up occurs so to them it's no surprise and they have nothing to get over. The truth is though, if you could speak with her all your going to do is work yourself up over something that is done, so it's best to acknowledge it's over, do you best to accept it, and move forward, the more you can fill in the void that she created the sooner you'll move beyond her.

Late response.

With the last words I wrote to her, I wasn't looking for an answer as to why we stopped dating, I just needed her to read what I had to say. Whether she accepted what I had to say didn't matter, I needed those words out of me.

I equate it to taking a dump.

She's actually contacted me a week ago (through Facebook... big surprise) asking if I was interested in getting together; I never responded. That felt powerful.

Good Job!! Impressive seriously!