Ask Me Help Desk - How do I let go, or should I?

Quote:

Originally Posted by djbowens

The thing is, I have been standing beside him for almost 2 years. I have tried to get him to go to AA or therapy, or anything else, but he refused to go. I had to give up on him. I do want him to get better, I told him that he was a great person, he just needed to get control over the alcohol. I just couldn't continue to sit by his side while he treated me the way that he did. I would love for him to overcome his obsession with alcohol, but for me, I have tried everything in my power to help him, and he still refused to be helped, so I had to walk away.

Oh believe me, I understand you had to walk away. I was just saying that if you had the strength to help him, keep trying... I don't think you should continue to put up with the emotional abuse at all. I just think that he needs a support system to get out of it...

Everyone has to let go at a certain point, and no matter how much you want to help him; he's got to help himself first.

It's good to know that you're putting yourself first and have the strength to move on.

So... I ended up breaking NC after 4 days. I had been getting private calls (one a day) ever since the day we broke up... so I assumed it was him trying to get a hold of me. I didn't answer the calls because I thought it was him and didn't want to talk to him, and I began to get irritated... I gave in and sent him a text message, asking if he had been calling me private all week. Of course he said no... and then there were a few more messages back and forth between us... and the last one from him saying "can I call you sometime this weekend?" I told him that he could call, but I didn't want to lie to him, and that more than likely I wouldn't answer. He responded with "well that's better than a 'no' I guess." And I left it at that, and did not respond.

He did not end up calling me this weekend. Half of me is relieved that he didn't call. I know I don't need to talk to him, but sometimes it is so hard when I am sitting here alone. All I can find myself doing is thinking about him and what he's doing, and if he's okay. Luckily, whenever I start to think about him, I am usually distracted by something else... but I guess it's just really starting to hit me that I can't talk to him anymore. I don't want to be with him, I don't want to talk to him, I just enjoyed the comfort I used to have and sometimes I miss him. I know I have done the right thing by moving on with my life, but half of me wishes that we were still together, especially when I feel lonely.

I know that I cannot have him in my life if I want to move forward. I know that I do not need him in my life because he doesn't make me a better person, nor did he always treat me right. I know that I can get through this, and in order to do so I need to keep up with NC. I am mad at myself for giving in and asking him if he had been calling me, but at least now I am no longer receiving private calls. It is just a lot harder than I had expected to remove him from my life.

With the situation of his stuff... I decided I would send his roommate a message on myspace, asking for their address so that I can mail his things to him without having to talk to him. I have already changed the locks on my doors, so there is nothing of mine that he still has. Like I said before, I know that I did the right thing, and I'm confident in my decision of leaving him... but I still miss him sometimes. I wish I didn't... I finally changed my status to "single" on myspace and Facebook... and I guess I need to delete him from my friends lists... I just don't really want him to hate me for doing that, and I feel like he will get pissed and send me some sort of mean message about it and I don't really want more drama.

This is a lot harder than I had expected... at first I was relieved, but now I'm just sad...

You will be fine young lady. Hang in there. Don't worry about him being upset. Remove him from your friends list. NC is about making it easier and better for you, not him.
This whole thing is about getting yourself together. Put you first.
When you need to vent, we are here.

His mom sent me a text message this morning... it said, "did u and brandon break up? he has been distant" I wrote her back and said, "Yes, we broke up about a week ago."

So now I feel guilty. I know that it's not my fault that he's being distant with his family... but I don't really want his mom to hate me since I broke her son's heart, but I guess that is her right if she chooses to. I don't know... it's just made me really depressed...

Don't let that bother you. He is not your responsibility. She may know her son has a problem and if she hates you because you can't deal with it, she is not a very mature woman IMO.
Remember, it's all about you at this point. Don't let people lay guilt trips on you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by djbowens

His mom sent me a text message this morning... it said, "did u and brandon break up? he has been distant" I wrote her back and said, "Yes, we broke up about a week ago."

So now I feel guilty. I know that it's not my fault that he's being distant with his family.... but I don't really want his mom to hate me since I broke her son's heart, but I guess that is her right if she chooses to. I don't know... it's just made me really depressed...

Get over it!! His problems aren't yours, so don't make them yours. You have problems on your own to worry about.

Your problem, is getting your own life together. He will be fine once he does as you should be doing, MOVING AHEAD!!

OMG I did it to myself again. I was trying to delete him from my friends list on Facebook and of course, clicked to see his profile... There were pictures posted by another girl... of him and her. I mean, come on? It's barely been a week? I just can't believe it was just sooo easy for him to just move on so soon. I knew it was coming and I shouldn't have looked at his profile... I am just in complete shock. We spent 1.5+ yrs of our lives together, and he can just forget about me that easily?

Well... after some tears and a few hours, I've finally convinced myself to not worry about it anymore. I guess seeing those pictures, which upset me at first, just helped to prove that I need to let go and move on. It sucks to see that, but in a way it has helped... I deleted him from my friends, all of the texts and calls from him in my phone, all of the pictures of us, and anything else that reminds me of him. I know that it's only been a week, but if he can move on so easily, then I can too. I don't want another relationship, I am just excited about going out, having fun, and meeting new people. My birthday is the day after Halloween, so I'm trying to figure out something fun to do to take my mind off things. Like I said, the initial shock of it all sucks... but it made me realize that I can definitely do better.

Hi. You say besides the drinking thing, he is a great boyfriend. Do some deep soul searching and ask yourself 'why' is he a great boyfriend. He doesn't sound like it to me - he's obviously very shallow and selfish and what annoys me more than anything, he's trying to make YOU feel responsible for his problem. You are trying hard to get on with your life and you have already a lot of stress - ask yourself do you really need this selfish behaviour to deal with also? Be honest with yourself and I think you'll answer your own question. Good luck.

Seeing those pictures is conformation that you made the right decision.
Keep moving

Well at least you have deleted him, keep it that way and go NC. You had a minor set back, now back to the grind