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Ah, rationalization, yes, it's a b*tch.Quote:
Originally Posted by jmw0713
We all could give you the best advice until the cows come home but you'll do what you think is right anyway.
Just keep reminding yourself that there's light at the end of the tunnel and that this isn't the worst thing that could happen. You'll sort it out eventually.
Don't let her pass the blame onto you man
Stay strong and forget her.
Its so funny when we say. And lord knows I have said it many times
Oh.. my girl? Pufff Never! She is not the one to sleep with anyone.
And yet they do :) its annoying isn't it.
At least you have done the right thing. You have accepted the end
And now its time to work on yourself.
Use all the pain and hurt and channel it into some productive. Believe me it works
I
Well guys. I just came back from tae kwon do class. I feel somewhat better (for now at least). Thanks for the tough love and slapping me back to reality. It really helps me process everything going through my head right now. Your all right if she cared, she would not have done any of this in the first place.:mad: I know that I have to absolutely not contact her at ALL. It's just really hard when you get thinking about things and how if you did this or that it may have changed something, when in reality the same thing would have happened. Its just really hard to keep my mind off this, even when I am doing stuff to try and distract me. It only helps for a small time, then everything comes back with a vengeance. One thing is certain, I didn't cry nearly as much today as I did yesterday, although this morning was rough.
Again I want to thank you all for the support all of you have given me and others. I am trying to deal with this the best I can. This morning was pretty bad. I had another dream about me and her together. In this dream we were planing a trip and then we kissed and said we loved each other. Right after that I woke up and it was about 3:15am. It really hit me hard and I felt like I went back to square one.
When will these dreams end? They are really messing me up!
The mornings and nights are always the worst. At the most right now, I probably get roughly 4 hours of sleep a night. Just keep faith that it will get better... WITH TIME. I have made a vow to myself to accept this challenge and do whatever it takes to make myself better. I have the dreams too, and they do hurt. Keep strong and for God's sake, don't EVER give up on yourself. We humans have an extraordinary ability to overcome even the worst of obstacles... even a broken heart. In the end, we will be better for going through this. Know that!
The dreams will stop do not read too much into them as they are just emotions trying to escape. I had a rough time with them to but they pass in time. Went you wake up after one do not dwell on it get up move about get a drink or something and remind yourself it was just a dream.
Guys, I know what she did to me and how she hurt me really bad, but I still miss her so much. It's really hard for me not to think about her. I really want to talk to her, but I realize that it would not get me anywhere. I just can get over the fact that she would leave and then sleep with someone else only a month later. I never knew our relationship was this far down the tube, that she would dump me a move on so fast. I know I did not treat her bad. Sure we had arguments, some that were bad, but this hardly ever happened. I just hope she realizes what we had was a good thing. I guess I missed some signs a while back that were signaling the end. We stopped having sex except for once in a while. She would not talk to me about things. She basically shut me out emotionally. But all of this seemed like it happened overnight a little over year ago.
Why didn't she talk to me about all of this? Why did she wait until now to break it off with me? Thinking about this makes me feel like she was just using me this whole time and keeping me around until she didn't need me anymore. I guess when she got down there to FL, she realized she didn't need me to help her do things anymore and decided to end it, an pursue this other guy.
I just wish I could tell her what's on my mind, so she knows how she is making me feel.
We all know you miss her. Sometimes it is just unreal how fast things can happen and how quickly the tables can turn. That being said, remember that! The pain will not go away fast at all! It is hard, it sucks and unfortunately she does not want to know how she is making you feel. DO NOT talk to her. Believe me, NC is the only way to go. I broke it after two weeks yesterday (she contacted me), and I feel dissapointed in myself. No contact does work, give it time and just tell yourself you will be all right. You will make it through this, but it is up to you whether you emerge stronger or weaker because of this. I think you will come out a better person...
Guys, I know what she did to me and how she hurt me really bad, but I still miss her so much. It's really hard for me not to think about her. I really want to talk to her, but I realize that it would not get me anywhere. I just can get over the fact that she would leave and then sleep with someone else only a month later. I never knew our relationship was this far down the tube, that she would dump me a move on so fast. I know I did not treat her bad. Sure we had arguments, some that were bad, but this hardly ever happened. I just hope she realizes what we had was a good thing. I guess I missed some signs a while back that were signaling the end. We stopped having sex except for once in a while. She would not talk to me about things. She basically shut me out emotionally. But all of this seemed like it happened overnight a little over year ago.
Why didn't she talk to me about all of this? Why did she wait until now to break it off with me? Thinking about this makes me feel like she was just using me this whole time and keeping me around until she didn't need me anymore. I guess when she got down there to FL, she realized she didn't need me to help her do things anymore and decided to end it, an pursue this other guy.
I just wish I could tell her what's on my mind, so she knows how she is making me feel.
That's another thing KC, it is going to be super hard to keep NC if she contacts me. I have tried to ignore her calls before all of this, but I always got weak and either returned her call or picked up. Again that was before I found out all of this. I think it will be slightly easier to ignore her now.
Oh, sorry for the double post BTW. I don't know what happened there.
Chances are she had been thinking of another for a while, and while you were in shock at a break up, she was moving on.
Not fair you say, maybe not but it happens, and that's what you need to remember, when you want to break NC. She has moved on.
I learned the slow painful way. I think Time and Space is a story of breaking it gently to you. Don't be a victim... Don't sit there and wait for her, it's all smoke and mirrors. It's a classic break up nice type of situation. She wants to protect your delicate feelings and try to be nice. But if you drag it on, stuff will start to hurt in a predicted, well thought out plan of dumping you. Please don't be a sucker for the oldest line in the world. It's over!Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr-Blank
Don't be fooled.
Well, it's been a week with out any contact with her at all. I am noticing that I'm not AS sad as I was this time last week however, I still miss just as much. I've also noticed I've been sleeping better and, so far, the dreams of her have stopped. I've also been doing some self-reflection on how I felt about the relationship before she broke up with me. I need to get some of this stuff out in the open, mostly for myself to reflect on the realationship and myself.
WARNING... Long Sappy Reflection Post.
I'm the type of person that has always thought that things in relationships always work out when you put effort toward the issue and are determined to fix it. That's what I was doing for a long time. I noticed that she started to pull away long before the point of the break-up, so instead of realizing that her feelings for me may have been changing, I would try to figure out what was wrong or bothering her so I could make a change to fix things. Looking back, I was always the one making changes. I thought that maybe if I made the change myself and put in the work on my end that things would get better. Well, everything ended up becoming mostly one sided. I think I made so many changes that I lost who I was at some point in the relationship and was not the person she fell in love with. I think this may have been one of the reasons it ended, my determination to try and always make things better for her, at my expense. It didn't matter if what we were doing made me happy or not, as long as she was happy that's all that mattered. After doing this sort of thing for a long time, it started to wear on me.
I ended up turning into a different person. I was unhappy with the way things were going. That's when I started to resist changing myself, but started to want her to change. I began to realize that things were going on that were not right. I would try to talk to her about them and try to make her change, but this didn't get anywhere. Then I began to realize that she was not the person that I fell in love with either. When I first met her, she was sweet, caring and wanted nothing else but to spend time with me all the time. Then something changed, those character traits that I found attractive were not a strong as before. About half way through, other guys started coming into the picture. Some I was cool with, others I was not. I started to feel insecure and jealous about her spending time with the ones I was not cool. So instead of her changing her behavior to make me happy, I changed mine to make her happy and attempted to be OK with her hanging out with them.
I became a push over. I didn't want to argue about things and didn't want her to be mad at me or think that I was being "controlling". She never wanted to discuss these guys with me for fear that I would be angry at her. It ate away at me inside and only made me get more angry and jealous about everything. I think it started to eat away at her too. That's when the communication between us really took a hit. After that everything else followed in time(sex, intimacy, trust, etc.. ).
This was biggest biggest mistake.
Every time something came up, I gave a little more of my security and integrity away. It got to the point where I wasn't even sure I wanted to be with her. I even typed a letter to her explaining how I felt and gave it to her. She didn't even react one bit to it, because she knew that I wouldn't be able to go through with what I said in it. From that point on, about 1 year ago, I felt that our relationship was on shaky ground and that I was trying everything to keep her happy and with me... now that I think about this, I realize that a relationship can not be sustained by only one person, BOTH people have to be willing to change and compromise to make it work. Unfortunately I was the one making all the changes, but was to trusting and blind to see what was really happening. I became weak, insecure, and unhappy about the relationship because I wanted it to work SO bad and it wasn't.
I think all of this put together spelled the end for me and her. The only thing was, I was putting in all the effort when she wasn't or couldn't and I just didn't see it.
I should have seen this coming SO LONG AGO!!
The thing about all this is, even though I now sort of realize what happened, in my view at least, I still love her dearly and want to talk to her even knowing all I know now!! Thinking about this, I can understand why she broke up with me. I think she was realizing the same things too. I don't think she intended on meeting someone down there, it just happened. I can't blame her for that. I'm not saying that this relationship was all pain and agony, we definitely had some GREAT times together that I will remember forever! I just hope that some day we can move on and be friends again because I miss her... :(
I really feel like calling her and telling her this and talking to her about things, but I am not sure if the time is right, or if I should even do it at all!?
It sounds like you are finally being honest with yourself about the reality of your relationship. Good for you.
Yes, it is natural for you to still want to talk to her. You developed a level of communtication with her that was more intimate than with anyone else. RESIST THIS URGE! You must continue NC as you are definitely beginning to move forward. Believe it or not, when you are truly over her you will probably have no desire to remain friends with her.
Hang in there...
Stay NC. Now is not the time to express your feelings to someone that your getting over, but the urge to, is understandable.
It will pass. just let it!
Update...
Well it has now been 2 weeks of NC with her. I've been reflecting about things, at times, and realize that I really cannot blame her for what she did. The only thing I wish she would have done is to tell point blank her intentions instead of "trying to let me down easy". I know that she didn't have the courage to do that to me in her heart, so she did it the best way she could. I know she still cares about me, because I still care about her... it's just that I can't be friendly with her right now with out having the emotions and feelings come through. I feel as though, in time, I will be able to be friends. I want to remain friends with her. She was a major part of my life, and I don't want someone like that to just fall by the wayside. I learned a lot from her, and hopefully she learned a lot from me. Sometimes I wish that we would have met at a different time in our lives. I think that maybe if we were both a little older and wiser, we could have pushed forward and stayed together, but my inexperience and her youth determined the outcome of our relationship.
Enough reflecting...
This past weekend was great. My buddy from VA came up and we went out partying the whole weekend. Halloween was awesome. I ended up meeting up with my brother and going to a really nice costume party with lots of good looking girls. The only problem was they all had their boys with them... oh well. Sunday went out to watch the football game and ended up over another friends house (female) that I haven't seen in a couple of years. Had a good time there as well, although I felt like crap all day Monday due to a monster hangover. Last night I went out with my buddy from VA and my father, and had a good time as well. So, right now things are going OK for me I guess.
This morning my ex texted me to wish my father a happy birthday. I replied "Thanks, I'll tell him. Tell your mom I said happy birthday too." and left it at that. I really feel that she still cares about me and my family, in a friends sort of way, which I respect. I am not getting my hopes up about anything, but it was nice to know that she still somewhat cares I guess... but back to NC I go for now. I know I am not to a point where I can talk to her regularly, I just hope I didn't open another can of worms by replying. I not going to lie though, it did feel good to hear something from her. I still really miss her...
Maybe this friends thing can work if I give myself enough time. I can always stand to gain a friend. But for right now NC is the place for me.
Well... it's week 3. It's been pretty difficult thus far. I am noticing that the good days are starting to outnumber the bad days. Monday and today haven't gone that well but yesterday was good. I had another dream last night about her. In it, me and her were talking and she told me she was going away for good... and that I may not ever see her again. You will probably think I'm crazy for thinking this, but I swear that sometimes these vivid dreams that I have actually play themselves out in real life. Like I will have the dream, and when a big change happens, the exact seen of the dream either immediately precedes the change or immediately follows the change. Strange... but that a whole other subject.
This morning at work, I get an reply to an email I sent to her mother. She was updating me on how everyone is doing and giving me a time when I can drop my ex's snake off at their house. In the email, she said my ex got offered another 3 month extension on her internship, although hasn't decided on whether to take the offer or not. I am happy for her because I know that this is her dream that she is pursuing. However, I am sad in the fact that I may never see her again! I don't know why I feel this way. Someone in my situation should be happy about this right? I mean she is seeing someone else... why am I sad that she may be gone from my life for good?
I want to send her an email, congratulating her on her success down there... do you think that is wise?
You got burned by this girl, she allowed some other guy to get in the way of your relationship and she allows these guys to get in her life so that they have an opportunity to get her thinking about what it would be like to be with them. Why would you still talk to her?
You owe her nothing. I don't care if she wins an Oscar for "Biggest Biyaatch" don't contact her. She doesn't deserve your attention. Focus you attention on you, as you matter, she doesn't.
I don't know! That's part of my problem... I am struggling to let go. No matter what she did to me, I can't seem to stop caring about her or stop thinking about her for one day. Everyday she pops into my mind at least 2-3 times. I still love her and I don't know why!!
I am taking everyone's advice... I mean there are days which I couldn't care less and then there are days like today, where I feel lost and looking for someone to talk to that I have more than a friends only connection with.
I thought it would get easier to move on... but right now it feels so much harder to continue... even though I know what she did.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do!
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