Ask Me Help Desk - Heartbreaker, Heartbreaker

After reading this thread extensively, it's easy to notice that the people doing the crying in here are never the dumpers, but the dumpees. That makes sense, but I wonder if the dumpers have any idea what kinds of emotional scares they are capable of leaving.
Like in my case, my ex had a long list of failed relationship in which she was always the dumper. Basically chews them up and spits them out. There is probably a term for this sort of person, what word am I looking for?
Especially in my situation, where as I didn't know anything was wrong in the first place. We had a pretty normal weekend, went kayaking, saw a movie, made love, peachy keen. Then Monday she wants me out in one week. Knowing full well I didn't have the cash on hand for such a move. So I literally went from happy to almost homeless for no apparent reason. I still to this day don't know what I did, or what went wrong. The only thing that makes sense is that she found someone else and wanted me out of the picture, and fast. Keep in mind that my ex by her own admission, never had a relationship or a marriage that she was faithful to. How many red light must be presented to me before I wake up. Blinded by LOVE, comes to mind again. Does anyone agree that the dumpees have the hardest time in a break-up?

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Originally Posted by wow111

You sure were lucky. I have heard Bi-polar is a messed up thing to have. Lot of times it gets labled on people when people get mad and others. A drug addicted son that is not good. Sounds to me you were perfect in the relationship. Wonder if you have any faults. Man if not guess your a perfect person here. On the other hand there are two sides to a break up. I am glad for you you value your peace and quiet enjoy it.

To elaborate on Wow's bipolar comment. That was just something between us. I witnessed her go from happy and laughing straight to crying and saying, "I don't know what wrong with me". I nicely asked the next day if it was ever suggested that she had that. Boy, was that the wrong thing to say. She never ever got over it. It was few and far between but occasionally she would reply to a question something like this,, "I don't know, maybe it's my bipolarness". And never stopped. I looked up the term online and studied the symptoms and signs. She had non of them, not even close. Speaking of... she suspected she was in the beginning of her menopause thing. Now I wonder if that had anything to do with the whole mess. I don't understand the particulars of it, but that could have played a role.

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Originally Posted by jrwild62

Does anyone agree that the dumpees have the hardest time in a break-up?

Of course. No one would dispute that.

Is that your only question? After reading your story, I'd say there are bigger fish to fry for you.

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Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

Of course. No one would dispute that.

Is that your only question? After reading your story, I'd say there are bigger fish to fry for you.

As the said, 'dumpee', I am just having a very difficult time getting over it. The bitterness, hurt, and shock are gone. But I needlessly rack my brain for what went wrong. If I don't know what the problem was, how do I correct it for future endeavors? However, like she said, it was her and she just can't deal with relationships after awhile. I don't know what to believe. I tried my best to be good for her.
I'm starting to think that our adulterous affair doomed things from the start. She hooked me into it while she was still married. We snuck around for 3 months, then she was divorced after 6 months 3 months later I was in her house. The whole thing had a sour feel to it. Our love was very strong at first, no dought. But after a short time, I suspect I was not the father figure that she had envisioned for her son. That could have been a factor. "Hey little buddy, wanna go for an ice cream?" Ice cream?? What the hell would I do with that BS, I want a bag O' weed. It's all he talked about 24/7. Which put me in a pickle. If I ratted him to mom, I was a rat. I had to live with him too. Keeping his drug use a secret made me feel dis-honest to her. Don't get me wrong, she knew he smoked, but had no idea to the extent of the problem. She also thought that the gangsta rap and violent video games had no effect on his brain. He was erractic and sometimes violent in nature. I have a stab mark and a burn mark to prove it. The burn mark is cute. It's a 3 pronged fork which he heated on the grill and burned me with. He thought that was very funny. If I snapped his neck, I would be in prison. If I snapped his neck the time he pointed a steak knife 1 inch from him mothers eyeball, I would not be typing this. That boy was very smart, but influenced by today's violent content. I would have never lasted there with him. Spoiled rotten, no discipline, no respect. Unknown to her at age 14, her problems have not even begun yet. The clincher is that she is blind to the situation. I suppose it's the mother protective mood. I understand that. But when you start buying cigarettes for a 12 year old on a daily basis, I think your mothering skills come into question. Besides that, the boy gets what he wants, OR ELSE, there will be hell to pay.
The age of 'happy family' seems to be gone forever.

LOL, well, I nudged the faucet and the flood came... hehe. Let's see...

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I'm starting to think that our adulterous affair doomed things from the start...
She hooked me into it while she was still married...
She was divorced after 6 months 3 months later I was in her house...
The whole thing had a sour feel to it.

Of course it did! OMG. You should lead with stuff like that.

We aren't friends, so I lose nothing talking straight to you. When you jump into a lake, you get wet... with nasty lake water. It's what you asked for, so getting it and thinking AFTERWARD "maybe lake water isn't so good for me" is a bit slow, don't you think?

You jumped into this sour lake, so sour is what you get? That's not what you actually wanted?

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Our love was very strong at first...

You don't say how old you are, but I'd hope by now you know the difference between love and passion. Maybe you don't.

Early in EVERY relationship the passion is strong, the "feelings" of love are frequently overwhelming. But none of that matters, only thing that matters is how intelligently you handle your life. The love feelings are nothing more than feelings. You have to LIVE in the real world meanwhile. Understand?

You cannot, cannot, CANNOT make life choices based on feelings, especially not early relationship feelings. You make life choices based on proven compatibility, and that take 6-24 months to suss out properly. You moved into her place after only 9 months, 6 of which she was still married to someone else.

No offense intended, but that was dumb. I am sure you know that, at some level.

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I was not the father figure that she had envisioned for her son.

If you dated a married woman and then moved in with no means to support yourself elsewise, no, you aren't the father figure he needed.

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If I ratted him to mom, I was a rat. I had to live with him too. Keeping his drug use a secret made me feel dis-honest to her.

OK, issue solved. You don't even think like a grown up.

Parents are not school-yard buddies. Parents are parents, they think like parents, they act like parents, they don't befriend and protect the secrets of children in this manner.

The moment he said that the FIRST time, he needed to be dragged to the kitchen table and you and mom work it out then and there, period. Rules established, boundaries set, punishments levied, and then enforced.

He wouldn't like you, but you would become a grownup he could understand at that point. Kids need to know who the grownups in the world are so they know who to rely on when the crap hits the fan and they need real help. Neither you nor mom appear to be a real grownup to this boy.

That is unfortunate.

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He was erractic and sometimes violent in nature. I have a stab mark and a burn mark to prove it.

See what I mean? He thinks of you now no better than the nerdie kids on the playground, you're someone to be abused. That's your fault. He's a kid. NOBODY is laying boundaries for him, so has none and observes none.

That is unfortunate.

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That boy was very smart, but influenced by today's violent content... Spoiled rotten, no discipline, no respect... the boy gets what he wants, OR ELSE, there will be hell to pay.

Well, the HELL should be paid. It appears you aren't capable of doing it.

You are correct from the start, this was doomed in so many ways. You need to get your strengths in order before you can be of any use as a real boyfriend, husband and eventually father. That starts with things you can't even do for yourself yet.

So, get out, get your life/act together and start the process. Based on what I've read here you have years of preparation work before you're ready for a situation like she and her son presented.

Until you're ready to face the world and unashamedly pay your way, stand your ground, know the difference between right and wrong and unashamedly support it, know the difference between feelings/passion and compatibility, you need to be on your own.

I'm blunt, I'm sorry. I hope you can understand my goal here is your complete success. And that's doable, totally.

Ummm, OK. Your bluntness is appreciated. I suppose the reason I cried out was to find someone to kick me in the azz. I could possibly be ACOA. But my parents were not alcoholics. Me and my ex drank just about equely, but not to point is was an issue. We never were angry after a few beers. But I understand your point.
I agree that is was probably doomed from the start. How many successful relationships start with an affair??
Thanks for having the gonads to wake me up. You are a software expert?? I would explore 'relationship expert' if I were you.
All I can say is "Thank you"

LOL, thanks for the feedback. The Expert status's are bestowed based on administrators response to posts. They like my computer advice and they needed official experts, so I lucked out that way.

This forum is FULL of excellent already knighted Relationship Experts, so no new ones are needed right now. But, we're all still here kicking butts and taking names... hehe.

Onward, dude!

Bottom line, she was the wrong person for you. When you ignore the red flags, you often run head first into a brick wall.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Bottom line, she was the wrong person for you. When you ignore the red flags, you often run head first into a brick wall.

Red flags blinded by feelings... This is something I must remember.
These red flags should have set me on fire. Early in the relationship we went to a party at my friends house. Sort of an introduction of my new main squeeze. As night fell, I encountered my 2 best friends in the garage. They collectively tore me apart. I said, I don't care, I'm in love. Bob told me that I would regret this and he would be the first to tell me "I told you so." Not a word was mentioned after that. Then many months later, I moved out. And Bob had is charm, "I TOLD YOU SO!" He tells me that as of the first day he met her, he saw right through her. It was somehow apparent to everyone,, except me. Not that she acted badly, but some people have a knack for seeing through others for what they are. He tells me he saw evil in her. A user, a manipulator.
Isn't it strange how she never liked my friends, who are actually perfectly normal guys? She never had anything nice to say about them even though they never ruffled her feathers. In fact, the whole time I lived there, I was not allowed to have my friends over for a simple BBQ. That message was clear. Which I guess figures because she never had friends over either. Probably because of the fact she didn't have any. Come to think of it, most of the people on the block did not like her. I witnessed screaming matches between her and certain neighbors. One kid points and yells at me, "She is a crazy B***H, and YOU are about to find that out! I thought to myself, That was odd. Fast forward a couple months,, He was actually warning me like my friends at the party. Oh, the irony...

You have to be smarter than your heart. Go figure!

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Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

You have to be smarter than your heart. Go figure!

Yeh, no kidding. It's an interesting mix of emotions and rational thought we have inside ourselves. Balance is the key. Easy to say, but I bet very few us have that figured out. If you do, I would treasure that. Myself, I need a little work. Still working...

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrwild62

Yeh, no kidding. It's an interesting mix of emotions and rational thought we have inside ourselves. Balance is the key. Easy to say, but I bet very few us have that figured out. If you do, I would treasure that. Myself, I need a little work. Still working................

If any of you have been following my ramblings, you are probably close to popping a cap in your own head, lol.
In possible conclusion, I know why my relationship failed. It had nothing to do with an affair or her. It was Icehouse. Not that I misbehaved that often and never anything close to voilence, but I know and have to admite that to myself. We both drank our share, but I was excessive and a few occasions my timing was terrible. I was to blame, no one else.

ok, i read your post. you are the luckiest guy i know.

You are a survivor drama-cide... A guy can get so caught up in a person's drama that he doesn't even see the reality he's been dragged him into.

I am going to bet she was very sexual, very fun, and very down on her ex. You felt like a white Knight - but when you rode in you were rescuing a kid from hell... a relationship with some bad details... and a GF that was not creating a good life for you.

LOCK IT DOWN.
DON'T LOOK BACK.
THAT IS A NIGHTMARE!!
SEX AND DRAMA DO NOT EQUAL A LIFE TOGETHER...

Kayaking and a movie and sex is a nice day, but that is not the life for you buddy and you KNOW it.

You are one lucky dude... right? YES.
THIS IS A THANK YOU LETTER TO HER!

Please read my survival guide below.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ash123

ok, i read your post. you are the luckiest guy i know.

You are a survivor drama-cide....A guy can get so caught up in a person's drama that he doesn't even see the reality he's been dragged him into.

I am gonna bet she was very sexual, very fun, and very down on her ex. You felt like a white Knight - but when you rode in you were rescuing a kid from hell...a relationship with some bad details... and a GF that was not creating a good life for you.

LOCK IT DOWN.
DON'T LOOK BACK.
THAT IS A NIGHTMARE!!!
SEX AND DRAMA DO NOT EQUAL A LIFE TOGETHER...

kayaking and a movie and sex is a nice day, but that is not the life for you buddy and you KNOW it.

You are one lucky dude.....right? YES.
THIS IS A THANK YOU LETTER TO HER!!

please read my survival guide below.

WOW. That was very deep. But I don't pretend to be the victim here. She was the victim of my alcohol and distance, for lack of a better term. And yes, the luvin was never a dull moment. Exotic places, outdoors, you name it. You seem to understand what was in my head. Emotions should not equate to rational thought. Thanks for your impute.

OK, you have a drinking problem.

The kid has a drug problem.

She has self-esteem problems.

BUT this was clearly not a match made in heaven. Take this chance to get your life in order and learn to drink responsibly... and the next girl you attract will be a better prospect.

I am sure you are not a TOTAL victim, and glad you are taking responsibility - but I think she did you a favor. And I think the drama of it all got you in a fog. This does not sound like it was going to make it to the altar and you all were not stable and ready. You need to get yourself together. And that life with her I am not sure you were truly ready for...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ash123

ok, you have a drinking problem.

the kid has a drug problem.

she has self-esteem problems.

BUT this was clearly not a match made in heaven. take this chance to get your life in order and learn to drink responsibly...and the next girl you attract will be a better prospect.

I am sure you are not a TOTAL victim, and glad you are taking responsibility - but I think she did you a favor. And I think the drama of it all got you in a fog. This does not sound like it was going to make it to the altar and you all were not stable and ready. You need to get yourself together. And that life with her I am not sure you were truly ready for............

That life I was not ready for, was the presence of the child. I admite it was a big factor, and something was unable to deal with. I didn't understand the Mother-Son bond as I should have.

Life is like that. We get lessons in funny ways and usually the hard way.

You learned things you didn't know. That was her role in your life. Not to be a life partner, but you learned what you need to do and what you want in the future. It started as an adulterous relationship and didn't grow as much as imagined... You don't need years with her to learn all this - so, again, I think you might be a bit thankful. And might not want to repeat it.

Note: Go to AA or a substance abuse counselor if you drink every day or drink until you black out or change moods when you drink...

Hang in there. I know it's not fun!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ash123

Life is like that. We get lessons in funny ways and usually the hard way.

You learned things you didn't know. That was her role in your life. Not to be a life partner, but you learned what you need to do and what you want in the future. It started out as an adulterous relationship and didn't grow as much as imagined...You don't need years with her to learn all this - so, again, I think you might be a bit thankful. And might not want to repeat it.

Note: Go to AA or a substance abuse counselor if you drink every day or drink til you black out or change moods when you drink....

Hang in there. I know it's not fun!

Again, Thanks ASH. You provide useful advice. I have moved on to a new newsgroup that is heavy into relationship and religious debate. This one is very good, but I can express my off center views more freely in the new one . I seem to get into trouble in here a little. And yes, I am thankful for getting out before the big problems really began. I am thankful!