Ask Me Help Desk

Look man, Im not trying to be a jerk, but if I can help just one person NOT go through what I did this whole site has been worth it to me! Seriously, the more you think about how much she hurt you, the more you see you will never be able to get back together with her! I know now that's all you can think about, but you have to get those pretty little thoughts out of your head. I know exactly what you are thinking "be the PERFECT guy and she will come running bck to you, begging for you to hold her"... NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Its so great to think "my sisuation is different" but unless you are the .ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo1% where it actually does, forget those odds! If you keep holding on like this, you will just make her mad, and she will HURT YOU MORE! The best thing for you is to pick up a hobby (not drinking, been there, done that) and MOVE ON! Like I said, it took me a good 3-4 months to start opening my eyes, but you are on the right track. Make yourself happy and don't jump into another relationship for at least 6 months or longer! Put things in priority, look at what you liked and this liked about your relationship, think about how you would have hadeled things differently in your next relationship, and think about the kind of person you want. Don't be bitter, use this as a learning experience or this whole relationship was a loss. A failed relationship is full of information to help you with your next relationship and so on. LEARN, and upgrade to something better. It didn't workout, that sucks. Don't beat yourself up about it, nothing you would have done differently would have changed the end. Best of luck.

p.s. I give tuff love because that's the only thing that worked for me (THANKS WILDCAT). Its great to have a healthy support system from the women on this site as well (Chery, Momincali) because sometimes you need someone to say something sweet and uplifting. I guess I have evolved into another wildcat type guy on here, but us guys sometimes need to just S-P-E-L-L it you for you. Chin up!

Oh, 1 more point. You shouldn't even be thinking about a friendship with her right now because you will just use that as an excuse to be close to her and try and win her back. You are too emotional for that now. MAYBE 6 months down the road, MAYBE!

Thanks jef. Honestly I don't think you are being a jerk. I can see you are 100% right and believe me I am taking in everything you and others say. I'm not ignoring it. I read it every couple of hours just to ram home what I can do to make it easier. I think I may have led you slightly astray with my post regarding winning / wanting her back. I am making no contact for myself as much as anyone. I am scared to see her so I'm not putting myself in that situation right now and is helping me move on. I am getting stronger by the day and realising that my life can be good without her. That's the triuth. I just have my ups and downs and I suppose I was a little down when I wrote the post about wanting her back.
The truth is I don't know if I could now. As chery said I wouldn't know if she was coming back for right reasons. But I don't concern myself with that. I have been working out hard which is helping. I've never looked so good or felt fitter.
I've read lots of older posts and taken a lot of valuable information from them as well as advice from people on here. I am getting on with things. I'm not looking at a relationship but I am also willing to meet new people and have friendship with females. Something that I probably didn't have before as I was in a relationship for so long and didn't need it. So I'm not looking for a rebound rather just some friendship other than my macho male mates.
I am also going through the process of learning from the relationship. I feel like a better person. I know that will only be tested once I'm in a relationship again but right now I think I will be a better partner when the time comes along again.
Believe me though I have read your story and taken a lot from it. I am listening. And I appreciate a lot the support I have received. I in turn hope to get to a point where I can help people get over the hurt cause it isn't fun but is unavoidable.

Hahahahaha!! Tell me about it brother! I hit the gym for like 5 moths straigh EVERYDAY!! The next time I saw my EX I was jacked! Lol! You will be scared to see she for a while. I still get all antsy in the pantsy when I hear she is in town, or at the bar I'm in. I get those chills of fear. No problem. We aren't expecting you to *SNAP* be totally healed after reading our advice, just take things one step at a time. If you follow what we are telling you, in no time you will wonder what you were so hurt for. Seriously, you are doing just fine.

NO CONTACT!! I COMMAND YOU! LOL!

Trust me. You have no problem with the NO CONTACT. It definitely won't be happening. Not by me or if she calls me. My only concern is if we happen to run into one another, which in a town of 500,000 is surprisingly not very hard. I'm young and can't completely stop my social life and it is possible to run into her but I'm avoiding places I know she goes.

For now, that's probably the best thing for the both of you. Im sure she is doing the same thing... Keep your circle of friends, and try talking to them about it. You most likely will see her out, just TRY and stay cool, give her a wave or a little nod to just recognize she is there. If she comes up to you, just ask her how she's been. Tell her you have been busy with this and that, and you hope she is doing well herself. Just be nice, and go on your way. No big deal.

You seem to have a pretty good grip on the situation. You were young when you got together and you invested 7 years of your lives in each other. Evidently you were her rock and support while she was dealing with the issues you describe during her childhood. Now that those are behind her she probably feels that she needs time to herself. What you're feeling is normal and you're handling it well. Time does heal all wounds and time is what it'll take. Maybe you'll eventually end up back together. Don't bank on it but it is a possibility. Meanwhile get on with your life as you've been doing. Things always change for all of us over time: jobs, homes, friends and significant others. Right now you're at a crossroad in your life. I'm sure you have the strength and confidence to navigate it successfully and go on to bigger and better things. Good luck!

I have it in my head how I will act when / if I see her and I'm looking at it as a test of my mental strength. I have to be strong and do what you say jeff and believe me I feel better equipped than ever to cope with it once the day comes.
Thanks for the encouraging words cianci. I feel that strength and confidence growing by the days. I hope it stays that way!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skell

OK i will apologise in advance about the length.
Basically im a 24 year old male and recently my girlfreind of 7 years broke up with me. it has devastated me beyond belief. i know we were together from a young age and at first it was probably puppy love but over that time our love grew stronger and stronger every day to a point where i know we were both deeply in love.
So about 2 months ago she, a couple of days before our 7th anniversary she told me that she feels she needs space to work what she wants. there was no signs that i could see. nothing. she was always such a dedicated and loving girlfriend and it has shocked all my firned and family to hear what has happened. she would often talk of one day down the track getting married and having kids. but she said that things that used to be important to her no longer are. she is lost in her life and for the first time i can't help her.
she pretty much gave me the old i love you but im not in love with you line. for the first few weeks i tried ever so hard not to contact her and giver her space as a i knew this would be the best but it was just so hard. i didnt want to let her slip away all together. but i eventually relaised the more i tried the further it pused her away. we would run into one another out and i would try as hard as i could to be strong and make out that i was getting on with my life but it was just too hard. she could see that i wasnt ok and would apologise for hurting me and get upset herself.
so for the last couple of weeks i have made sure there has been no contact between us at all. i miss her ever so much and dearly want her back.
it is just so confusing. i look for answers that arent there. she has had a very difficult life in the fact that she is the eldest of 4 daughters and has had to care from them her whole life. her mum and dad split years ago, upon which her father met another women and had a baby boy to her. at around the age of two this young boy died which deeply hurt my gf and family. this sent her father off the rails and he went to prison which also was hard for her to take.
not long ago her father was released from prison and his life was going great but he developed cancer and my gf had to nurse him to his death for 2 years. this was a very hard experince for not only her but also me becuase i was there to assist whenever i could.
throughout this whole time i have been there for her and i know was one of the only things that kept her going. my love. but now her troubles are in the past it seems maybe that she wants to be young and not have to worry about having to 'answer' to someone.
she is a good person and not being selfish. it is just so hard for me to understand. i miss her so much but know that telling her that isnt going to help. i want to move on but i can't just flick a switch and stop loving her. i am surrounding myself with friends and family and it is helping greatly but it still doesnt replace my love.
i guess im scared too. because we have grown up together and every adult issue in life we hvae had to facce we have done so together. we have been there for one another. i guess being alone to face these issues will make me a stronger person but id prefer to have her by my side.
once again sorry for how long this is but once i start typing and talking i just can't stop.

I guess you are doing very good, wish I could tell you that tomorrow it will be fine but I don't know that. I just got dumped by my husband for the same reason you were by your girlfriend. Don't know if it will do you any good (hope it will) it sounds that you are taking it better then I could evr hope for. Hang in there, I guess that's all we can do.

Thanks for your offer of support. Its now been 12 months since my break up and although I wasn't married I have to tell you that I am feeling better now. Read my other threads for an update.

Sorry for situation. Im sure you will find lots of help here from lots of great people. ITs hard but it takes time and a lot of ups and downs!

She hasn't once attempted to reach out to you? I suppose that's for the best but still seems very cold...

What a coincidence someone resurrected your post 1 year later! I had never read the full story actually..
And what a different guy you are one year later,, ehh!:)

If you really want to see how things work, read jeffatl's posts and see how one who is hurt helps another and see the amazing chain of healing awesome! What is really the ultimate is Skell is still here helping as are others who have changed a lot since coming here. Are you reading this rol?

Yeah I'm reading!;-)
I've found helping here and reading advice has helped me soooo much and I'm happy I can help people also!

Go u! 1 year on. 2007 a bad year for dating!

Ive been hearing in my current job (placement year of uni) about 7 people have finished in their relationships ranging from:

1) 8 year relationship (ending on new years day)
2) 35 year relationship - women ran off with another man (never went abroad because she didn't want to now she's off to spain with the one she ran off to, the bloke went online dating and found a company director and is now having the best time of his life)
3) A divorce - kids involved
4) A divorce - kids involved
5) An engagement finished
6) 7 month relationship ending
7) Abusive partner - they finished

Ahh well, point is - it happens to us all sooner or later! All part of life's rich tapestry. This board has been a great help to me and many others and its great to see all these people recovering and moving on with their lives! Support from others in the same situation is so helpful + rewarding.

Yeah I did find it rather weird when I received email notification that my thread had been replied to. And it literally was pretty much a year to the day. Is it the law of attraction at work.

Tal is right what he says too. You should read jeff's threads. He was as big a basket case (and I mean that in all niceness) as I was. But he was the first one to help and was the one that made it sink in.

I wonder how Jeff is doing?

Thanks for the kind words Tal, Rol and Jiser.

But I have to say Jiser that 2007 is going to be the year of good dating for me. 2006 was the bad one. There is going to be nothing but great times ahead for skell in '07. I hope...

Oh and LBP, yes we have had some limited contact and she has always been anything but cold. She is smart enough to realise that it is easier for both of us to move on with no contact. Who knows, perhaps she is on another help site somewhere getting it drummed into her that it isn't a good idea to call her ex and say hi and catch up because it won't help his healing or hers... LOL!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skell

Yeah i did find it rather weird when i received email notification that my thread had been replied to. And it literally was pretty much a year to the day. Is it the law of attraction at work.

Tal is right what he says too. You should read jeff's threads. He was as big a basket case (and i mean that in all niceness) as i was. But he was the first one to help and was the one that made it sink in.

I wonder how Jeff is doing?

Thanks for the kind words Tal, Rol and Jiser.

But i have to say Jiser that 2007 is going to be the year of good dating for me. 2006 was the bad one. There is gonna be nothing but great times ahead for skell in '07. I hope......

Oh and LBP, yes we have had some limited contact and she has always been anything but cold. She is smart enough to realise that it is easier for both of us to move on with no contact. Who knows, perhaps she is on another help site somewhere getting it drummed into her that it isnt a good idea to call her ex and say hi and catch up because it wont help his healing or hers.... LOL!!

Wouldn't that be poetic justice,LOL Or better she is on this site under another name and you're the one telling her to move on:eek:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skell

Oh and LBP, yes we have had some limited contact and she has always been anything but cold. She is smart enough to realise that it is easier for both of us to move on with no contact. Who knows, perhaps she is on another help site somewhere getting it drummed into her that it isnt a good idea to call her ex and say hi and catch up because it wont help his healing or hers.... LOL!!

Ironically enough I belong to AmIstupidforlettinghimgo.com and about a year ago a woman from Australia started posting questions asking if she was good enough for her boyfriend. She was not and I answered accordingly. She also asked if her boyfriend would be better off in the future without her and we both agreed that he would be.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh - this reminds me of the gal I had been dating and what brought me to this site. It turned out all she did was listen to her friends about her relationship... and EVERYTHING I did was wrong to them... it was either TOO MUCH or I DIDN'T DO ENOUGH!! - to her friends.

AND one of the guys was gay!! She was taking strong advice from a gay dude - WWHO IT TURNED OUT DIDN'T WANT HER TO BE HAPPY AY ALL.

That's one thing - you take advice from friends and they may not always have your best interest. This gay guy, and they are no longer friends, and they worked together... enjoyed seeing her unhappy - it was a control thing.

My point being - you don't know what crap some one is drumming into their head.

And those people may not have their best interest at heart. Believe me.

And yes she did come back e-mailed me - but the damage was done and I was more repulsed when she told me how her friends steered her wrong. That was weak.