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I've been thinking a lot about that. He showed me no respect whatsoever. Now only after the fact does he see because he is experiencing the aftermath of the reactions of everyone who has found out. I warned him and now he sees what he was doing has hurt everyone involved including himself.Quote:
Originally Posted by hjpan
Yes,exactly!Quote:
Originally Posted by cantbelieveit
He now knows what his behaviour has done to everyone :)...Quote:
Now he sees what he was doing has hurt everyone involved including himself.
... But watch out,that he doesn't drag you back unto himself :( with his
Destructive tendencies.
His cheating shows he was on a self sabotaging binge & the drinking is just part of that. You were just the collateral damage. What set that self sabatoging mindset in place for him, only he would have the full answers to that & usually only with concerted self study or professional help.
Lot's of people are sorry they got caught but not so sorry they cheated. With the first there is no chance of a good healthy reconciliation unless & until they get out of that mindset. With the second, they will do all they can not to create any new damage to their partner & the marriage plus clean up the betrayal chaos they caused as best they can. It may take some time to tell which is which with a cheater but should not be too extended a period. They need to accept full responsibility for their own crappy choices which had nothing to do with anything the partner did or didn't do to "cause" the cheating. It was a result purely of their own poor judgment, misconceptions & lack of ability to act with the right sort of character / morals / values / priorities at that point in time.
In either case, your better bet is to take the best care of yourself that you can & put in place what you need for your wonderful life, which may or may not include him in it as either a friend or a partner. It takes a lot to make proper peace with the fact you were cheated on & the repercussions of that since it changes what you thought your life would be like to one that is full of uncertainty for a time.
Take that time for yourself & know that you are not to blame for what he's done. You are fully able to make better choices for you & your life then he is demonstrating he's capable or willing to make at least for now & don't let yourself get dragged down with him in that pit of self destruction.
Good Luck!
That's all that matters,now,taking care of yourself :) & in time [though don't put a limitQuote:
Your better bet is to take the best care of yourself that you can.
On it] you will recover. :)
The last communication I sent to him I basically said the to him. I told him he has been acting so out of character and he is suffering the consequences due to his poor choices. I told him he should try to figure out why he has been doing so many bad things and making bad choices. The last message I sent him was pretty harsh and he hasn't responded so maybe he will stop contacting me and now my journey to my new life without him can begin. I do feel a little better after everything. The missing what we had and our little life together (when things were good) is going to be the hardest part from here out.Quote:
Originally Posted by BetrayalBtCamp
Quote:
Originally Posted by happy_jester
Yes I really need to work on recovering from this horrible ordeal. I've been trying to keep busy but it's tough.
You will find a lot of support from others going through the same experience at:
SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity
Many are trying to work through the betrayal with their cheating partner, but many aren't (don't want to or did not have the choice to) & all have been impacted by the betrayal choas. It may help to work out all your feelings with kindred souls that know exactly what you are going through in trying to put your life back together after a blow like this.
OK thanks for all your advise. So glad I came across this site it helps a lot! It is kind of the only place I can vent right now.Quote:
Originally Posted by BetrayalBtCamp
Oops, just noticed I left out a few crucial words & corrected my above post! Many are trying to salvage their relationships but many aren't or can't is what I meant to say, my fingers & brain didn't coordinate that too well, LOL.
That is why I recommended that site, you would be able to constructively vent with others knowing exactly what you are going through & they are very supportive people there with unfortunately, way too much betrayal experience & wisdom learned the hard way to be there for you. There is also a Healing Library there that has great info.
This is an awesome site too, I'm very glad I finally came across it!
You will be more than OK when this dark time of your life is over if you make a commitment to yourself not to let it ruin one bit or second more than it absolutely has to & then put into place the actions you must to make that true for you. It's not easy nor will it be automatic for a while, but the better care you take of yourself, the better it will get for you over time. It just feels horrible right now & that's easily understandable since you are barely past Devastation Day (DDay) when all hell broke loose for you.
Hang in there!
I feel like nothing but seeing him and him making me feel OK is going to help. Last night I couldn't sleep at all and I sent him a text telling him how I was feeling. He didn't respond. He also never responded to my replies (which I sent in the wee hours of the morning on Sunday) to his emails to me. His emails were apologizing and that I was a great person he was sad to have ruin things with us. Most likely he hasn't replied because I ranted and raved about how he needs to stop drinking and just accept the consequences of his choices. What do I do now? I felt like I was going to have communications with him but now he's just cut me off for now. If he doesn't text back should I take a hint and how long should I wait? I'm in between frustrated and wanting to be angry with him. This whole thing is killing me inside and it's starting to make me lose concentration at work:(Quote:
Originally Posted by BetrayalBtCamp
Quote:
Originally Posted by cantbelieveit
He has severe problems, you don't.
Find a better guy as I stated before.
He's using the NO CONTACT rule on you,so you'd be better to have no more
replies to him.
Yes I figure if he doesn't respond and if I send another message now that he hasn't responded to any of mine (even though it hasn't been a day for the text and 1 day for the email) that I'll end up looking worse than I already do. Last night I thought really hard about all the advise and if it was worth being with him again and I honestly felt it was worth it. I think I can see where things went wrong and I feel like it can be worked out. He's not a bad person after 5yrs I know him well and even though this was out of character for him I truly feel like he can change. He said I was the best most kind genuine person he'll ever meet and he's sorry he hurt me. So why won't he respond now? I think it maybe because I somewhat threw in his face what he did and I apologized for it because if I was going to try to move past that I shouldn't have done it. I did tell him I wasn't lecturing but just being brutally honest about the situation. Since he didn't reply I'm guessing he didn't like it or couldn't take it. I just can't let go of 5yrs with someone I truly love and am willing to forgive. I'm so hurt and confused:(Quote:
Originally Posted by happy_jester
Five yrs is a long time relationship wise. And if this is out of character for him there is some chance of redemption there. The fact he has apologized for it speaks well for him too, so NEVER do.
As to why he doesn't respond, could be a vary of things. Some good, some bad. He doesn't want to face the consequences like your anger or how much he has hurt you. Or he just may not know how to do that, figures you've been hurt enough & the less he says the less chance of causing you any more anguish.
For someone to cheat & betray the person they love means they were not thinking straight & that doesn't always go away magically or automatically once the affair is no longer a secret. The cheater may sincerely be sorry, want to restore the relationship & be willing to put in the needed effort but don't know how to do that. And there may still be some what is called "foggy" thinking going so they can't figure things out very well on their own to make things right the way they deeply want to, if indeed that is the case.
If the cheater stays truly unrepentant & remorseful, the betrayed partner has no other healthy choice than to let them go. If instead the cheater is truly sorry & wants another chance then it's up to them to earn that which then means the betrayed partner has to decide whether to give them that option or not.
If this is the first time he's been busted & he's apologizing, giving him SOME benefit of the doubt isn't a bad thing as long as it doesn't cost you too much. Only you know his history to figure out whether moving immediately without a backward glance or keeping the reconciliation door opened at least a crack to see what he does is best for you. Actions will speak louder than words but not knowing what to do is very different from not being willing to take the proper steps after learning what those are.
Expecting closure from him is a mistake because ultimately that is something only you can give yourself. What he can do, if he's willing, is to give you answers to questions that you want / need. That is often a grueling process after a DDay whether you stay together. The truth there hurts, a lot. But it can also be a very beneficial process for both of you is handled correctly (& that's a big tricky part). Those answers will not necessarily help you but the fact that is willing to face you with the truth is, it can be a mutually healing process so the emotional baggage from this relationship doesn't get unnecessarily dragged onto the next one or to clear the air so restoration of your relationship together is possible.
There is a lot of helpful info regarding that on the SI site (the Surviving Infidelity one I already gave you the link to). In case I didn't mention it already, I would suggest you read the Not Just Friends book to start, Glass has what I consider one of the best affair recovery books in the field, whether you stay together or not it will help you understand betrayal & its effects much better. That's a great starting place & there are also many other sources of help, many free online to put together a great relationship despite the shambles he created with the betrayal.
Amazon.com: Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity: Shirley P. Glass, Jean Coppock Staeheli: Books
I wouldn't suggest at all you run after him begging for him to come back, he needs to want that as badly as you do & to help you heal from what he's done. The fact that he cheated once doesn't automatically mean he will keep being a cheater if that's not what he wants for his life. It will be an incredibly hard process & take a long time to get successfully past the betrayal. But it's not impossible & many couples do in fact do exactly that.
The more you know what is going to be required to put the relationship back on track in general & what you need specifically to make it work for you, the better if he wants to work on another chance with you. Another suggestion I have for you is to read the article on how marital therapy can be hazardous to your marriage on the Smart Marriages site, that will help in case you two go to a therapist to weed out one that can make things worse more quickly even if you're not married per se.
William Doherty: How Therapy Can be Hazardous to Your Marital Health
It's a confusing awful time for both, so you don't have to write him off immediately if you are seeing some signs of genuine regret on his part. Without that, there is nothing to work with in order to be able to recreate a good relationship for both of you. For right now, again just take good care of yourself the best you can. That alone is a huge challenge for anyone that's been betrayed right after they've just found out.
One is done in ignorance [ie:not knowing what to do] while the other [ not being willing to take the proper steps] is not considering the person/s you have hurt & considering their feelings.Quote:
Actions will speak louder than words but not knowing what to do is very different from not being willing to take the proper steps after learning what those are.
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