Ask Me Help Desk - Starting over?

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I'm just sick of the drama! But I do want him in my life! Im so confused... Any help?

Stop the contact with him, and eventually he will leave you alone! No ifs, ands, or butts! No excuses.

Part of the problem is you wanting to keep him in your life but at a distance, and the poor guy can't heal that way. There are many threads on this forum of an ex wanting to be friends, but both are confused by the contact.

Let him go, and heal, he isn't ready for a friendship, and basically from your other posts, your feeding him false hope just by talking to him.

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I can now say that men want what they can't have... it's so ugh! If you are wondering why I say this, then continue on reading :) If not.. then post your reaction to this comment.

Not just men, but women too! Case in point, YOU, trying to have a friendship with someone you couldn't have a relationship with.

The confusion is not all his fault, as you have a major role in this drama.

Now leave each other alone.

Interesting. I didn't read the first two opening posts before now.

From what I understood it sounded like the problem initially was that he stopped being interested: hanging out with friends more, didn't show care or affection. Then you broke up with him. After that, you contacted him again to see how he was feeling. At that point he told you that you weren't showing enough interest and that's why he lost feeling for you.

I think he was just making up an excuse for not acting right, blaming you. He says that you weren't acting right first, therefore he wasn't acting right.

Either way, it would be best for the two of you to initiate NC. If things were suppose to be good between the two of you, then someday you guys might see each other again and work things out. Right now things are too convoluted.

I know I can't be with someone that doesn't make me a priority and always chooses their friends over me. Everyone is different, some might feel the opposite but I suggest for people like us, we need to find someone that is similar to us in this regard.

Also consider the sang, friends are forever but boyfriends/girlfriends come and go. Although I do not see this eye to eye but I can understand where it is coming from but at the same time it does not excuse the fact that our girlfriend/boyfriend always chooses their friends over them.

I do believe that if someone truly loves you they won't do that. It also wouldn't be right to abandon their friends for you though. Just you should be more important than they are. Just my opinion.

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Originally Posted by teastalk

I've never experienced it, but I bet it's a gratifying feeling when he's become what you once were; and acting jealous/clingy.

Not really because I don't really want him to hurt. It's kind of sad instead of gratifying... We broke up for a reason... and he can't accpet it and I have! I mean I can't ignore his calls and do the no contact thing. I think its mean! I guess I am too nice with others and tend to please them before I please myself... :( I need to work on that, that has always been a problem for me!!

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Originally Posted by teastalk

Interesting. I didn't read the first two opening posts before now.

HAH! I forgot about those two quotes!! I wrote those a year ago! Can you believe that?! And back then I was talking about the same man!! I can't believe it, it's like history is repeating itself but in reverse! Now he feels the way I did back then... Now he's the one who is trying to be "friends" to come back to me?? :(
Could fate be so unkind? How is it possible that two people who clearly want to be in each other's life have such a hard time on it!! :( Now that just made me sad! Maybe we don't work as lovers, maybe we were meant to just be friends! I reaally did forget about the two other quotes. How I felt! This is weird!

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Originally Posted by confused gal

Not really because I dont really want him to hurt. It's kind of sad instead of gratifying...We broke up for a reason... and he can't accpet it and I have! I mean I can't ignore his calls and do the no contact thing. I think its mean! I guess I am too nice with others and tend to please them before I please myself.... :( I need to work on that, that has always been a problem for me!!!

Or you are really mean! Oh yes, you are bing mean to the one person that needs you right now, as they feel sad, trapped, confused, unsure, unloved, and just lost. That person is you.

If you can't help yourself, then how can you help him?

Also, to be honest, if you just told him it's too painful and distracting talking to him, I'm sure he'd eventually understand. He will be up set at first, but he'll get over it. That is up to him, but if you keep talking to him it will only prolong the agony, and that is just plain old cruel sister. My Ex did that to me, only she left me for the other guy. Yeah, it may have only been three weeks, but it felt like an eturnity, and I still, several years later, feel the pain as if it were just yesterday she dated another guy and told me we were still together.
What I'm getting at is, either you are broke up, or dating. Anything between will be more like a teasing/tourture kind of deal. Don't keep talking to him until you resent him for it, that would not be fair/cool; or you will start to hate yourself for putting yourself in such a position, and you don't deserve/need that. It's OK to let go of some one you love to pursue new things, and grow in different ways, and you may later on become friends; however, for now since you two were so close, you need to beable to take your time and look at your life and who you are, and what that all means to you. I know it's hard, and you don't want to stop talking to him, and you care about him, and you miss him, and you don't want to hurt him; but, little sister, that's what you are doing to him now. He needs to get a grip on himself and sort himself out, but he can't do that while he is thinking of getting back with you, you know?

You're whole "I'm too Nice i guess." sounds like you got the "Please others complex". In Cognitive psychology it is explained that, when we drive so hard to please others that we negelect our own needs, we will more often than not start to resent them for it. Or bur ourselves out stressing over pleasing people. It's a very dangrous quality to have, as it is one of those things that make people explode or implode. I am still like this, but not nearly as much as I used to be. I used to give people like $200 when they needed it and not even think twice about it, now I prefer not to lend any money. Too bad I didn't start that before a gave my truck away... Meh, so it goes.

Take care and try to focus on yourself.

MAy peace and kindness be with you.