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Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

"I had a hard life growing up"
"My father died of cancer"
"I grew up in a house with a lot of fighting"
"I'm almost sure you are not even close to perfect"

(chuckle) The greatest litany of rationalizations today. My harsh answer to each and every one of those statements is "So what!?"

None of those things excuse what you've done NOR what you're considering doing.

I'm not trying befriend you, I'm taking time to openly discuss a perspective on your situation you may not see yet. If you disagree, fine. Just be honest in the disagreement. We don't need to believe your "reasonings", but you absolutely must.

It doesn't matter if I'm imperfect or your husband is a workaholic. It doesn't. Right and wrong aren't based on either one of these things.

You can stay and work it out, but you can't work it out using the approaches you've been using. Counseling is fine, even if you go alone, just make sure you are focusing on you. You can't change him. He has to be inspired to do that on his own by what he experiences in his world, and right now YOU are in the most influential position. You inspire him by doing better yourself and committing to and supporting him.

Yeah, I know it's hard. But you don't wait for him to "center his universe" on the family before you do it. You do it first. You do it first. You mean it.

And you stop fighting him. If he wants to fight, let him, let him fight alone. He may stop fighting with you all the time if he realizes you don't want to communicate that way anymore.

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Having a hard life growing up has nothing to do with why this happened in the first place. I was just making a point that children are a product of their environment. Not that it gives them any excuse to lash out. However, being that said, I'm a little irritated with the fact that I am making the same mistakes that my mother did. Even though my father was abusive, she stayed with him anyway, because she is a Christian woman. I am also a Christian, and yes, I have sinned big time, I just wish that I had the courage to leave sometimes, my husband can be the same way. From the answers that I've received from you , I can see you must be a man, & most likely not a Man Of God. My husband believes that a woman should not work. He should give me more credit and not bully me around all the time. I don't want to fight back , however I don't back down to anyone, only God, of course. He knows my mistakes, I've asked for forgiveness, I know that he's forgiven me, so I don't need your forgiveness. Thanks for your answers, and remember I am not looking for sympathy, I just don't want to screw up again!

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Originally Posted by Andrew916

your decisions in this situation should not be based on what's best for you, but what's best for your children. as a mother, they're your primary concern and you should always put them before yourself.

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Hello! The whole reason why I asked the question in the first place, was to make the right decision for my children, not myself! Thanks anyway.

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Originally Posted by kp2171

the past is the past and you know you can't change bad decisions. having been cheated on by two previous big loves, i dont take kindly to those who stray. having about lost my mind when my grandfather, my father figure, died, i know how easy it is to make really bad decisions. i didnt cheat, but i was an idiot for over a year.

so... you are where you are and you are here to get help understanding what you should do.

well... you dont feel emotional balance with your husband, he is too absent from your life both physically and mentally, and you are worried about your childrens feelings.

im all for doing the hard work to save a marriage, but unless you really want it and unless you both can open up and openly talk things through, there isnt much of a future other than you both being the parents of a child. whether its counseling or you both slogging it out together, the time is now. if you are done, he deserves a chance to move on sooner than later. if you are done, i dont see why you should stay.

the young boy will most likely not resent you whatever you choose. its a mess no matter what, but its one that can be weathered, even if its not convenient for you, your husband, or the boys father.

the child is not reason enough to leave for the other man. the daughter is not reason enough to stay with your husband. you own the decision to stay or leave and it doesnt come down to what is best for the child. as a father i understand you make decisions and sacrifices for your children, but ultimately it is your decision. it has nothing to do with the potential resentment of a future 18 year old or the current stress of an 8 year old. once you make the choice, its all yours.

so... the lover you would be with offers an emotional connection that your husband doesnt have with you. what is his history? he slept with a married woman, we know that. why believe what you had with him isnt just the thrill and excitement of the chase... learning about and knowing that new person?

honestly... if you leave your husband, it should be for you. not for the other man. time away from both might be what you need to understand where you stand.

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I'm very sorry that you had this happen to you. You sound like a very rational person & I appreciate your answers. I agree with you about the other man. I would like to take time away, I just don't know where to go. My husband told me that if I stay with a family member or a friend, to never come back. I made a big mistake, however, No matter how hard it is at times, I still love him. I wish he would let me have some time to think.
I will take your advice, you helped me with your answers. I hope you have a great life. May God Bless You! Kat

You don't deserve any respect for cheating on your husband. What is the reason? Was it because he was hot? Was it because he's got what your husband doesn't have?

And you want to have custody of the daughter? Do you EVEN DESERVE the right?
If you do, please explain briefly why you do.

I believe the husband should have custody regardless of his background. I was raised in an angry family situation where my dad came home drunk while my mom cleaned up after my dad. My parents were abusive to my sister and guess what? My sister is 27 years old and a licensed broker with a degree in economics.

Yet, my sister is not angry unless some one screws up or disobeys the rules.

Look at famous artists...
P. Diddy's father was shot by a gang member and his mom took care of him.
Marshall Mather's parents were abusive, drug addicts, and alcoholics who beat him.

Anyone who has come from a bad childhood will remember the situations but try to help themselves. In my eyes, you put down your husband due to his childhood.

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Originally Posted by hjpan

You don't deserve any respect for cheating on your husband. What is the reason? Was it because he was hot? Was it because he's got what your husband doesn't have?

And you want to have custody of the daughter? Do you EVEN DESERVE the right?
If you do, please explain briefly why you do.

I believe the husband should have custody regardless of his background. I was raised in an angry family situation where my dad came home drunk while my mom cleaned up after my dad. My parents were abusive to my sister and guess what? My sister is 27 years old and a licensed broker with a degree in economics.

Yet, my sister is not angry unless some one screws up or disobeys the rules.

Look at famous artists...
P. Diddy's father was shot by a gang member and his mom took care of him.
Marshall Mather's parents were abusive, drug addicts, and alcoholics who beat him.

Anyone who has come from a bad childhood will remember the situations but try to help themselves. In my eyes, you put down your husband due to his childhood.

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Listen Up! I never asked for respect, I asked for advise. You are a very angry person who should keep their evil comments to themselves. Sounds like your past made you a very resentful person. Looks like even though I screwed up that still makes me a better person than you. Get over yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror , & see your flaws. I bet there are many.
My husband & I already made the decision if I leave, I will have my daughter most of the time. Whether you agree with it or not, that's the way it is.

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Originally Posted by kathym72

Listen Up! I never asked for respect, I asked for advise. You are a very angry person who should keep their evil comments to themselves. Sounds like your past made you a very resentful person. Looks like even though I screwed up that still makes me a better person than you. Get over yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror , & see your flaws. I bet there are many.
My husband & I already made the decision if I leave, I will have my daughter most of the time. Whether you agree with it or not, that's the way it is.

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I'm not angry and my comments are not evil.

Read what you wrote before responding. YOU are the one who is angry. YOU are the one who responded with evil comments.

I don't judge by race, sex, idea.. but I DO JUDGE BY CHOICES. You made the wrong choice and you refuse to admit you are wrong. You even belittle your husband due to his childhood.

Look at yourself in the mirror first. What did you just do? You JUDGED your ex-husband by CHILDHOOD, not CHOICES although the 'CH' does throw me off a bit.

Don't like my advise? Don't take it.
But don't you judge me by what I say. In the long run, you will understand what I mean.

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Originally Posted by hjpan

I'm not angry and my comments are not evil.

Read what you wrote before responding. YOU are the one who is angry. YOU are the one who responded with evil comments.

I don't judge by race, sex, idea.. but I DO JUDGE BY CHOICES. You made the wrong choice and you refuse to admit you are wrong. You even belittle your husband due to his childhood.

Look at yourself in the mirror first. What did you just do? You JUDGED your ex-husband by CHILDHOOD, not CHOICES although the 'CH' does throw me off a bit.

Don't like my advise? Don't take it.
But don't you judge me by what I say. In the long run, you will understand what I mean.

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I know I'm wrong. Besides my mistakes, when I look in the mirror I like what I see.
I don't judge my husband by his childhood, I had a very shaky childhood also, I never wanted to disrespect him. If I wasn't sorry about my mistake, I wouldn't be asking advice on how to try to make this terrible situation into a hopefully better one. So please, don't judge me until you know all the facts. I could write a book on this , maybe I should. There's your answer. Peace!

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Originally Posted by kathym72

I know I'm wrong. Besides my mistakes, when I look in the mirror I like what I see.
I don't judge my husband by his childhood, I had a very shaky childhood also, I never wanted to disrespect him. If I wasn't sorry about my mistake, I wouldn't be asking advice on how to try to make this terrible situation into a hopefully better one. So please, don't judge me until you know all the facts. I could write a book on this , maybe I should. There's your answer. Peace!

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You still don't understand what I wrote. I don't judge BY WRITING, but ACTIONS.
You screwed up and a consequence appeared. You need to take of this by yourself.
Why should I care about the facts? The outcome IS THE FACT.

Sure, AMDH can give advise but it is YOU to decide what to do.

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Originally Posted by hjpan

You still don't understand what I wrote. I don't judge BY WRITING, but ACTIONS.
You screwed up and a consequence appeared. You need to take of this by yourself.
Why should I care about the facts? The outcome IS THE FACT.

Sure, AMDH can give advise but it is YOU to decide what to do.

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I will make this decision on my own. Someday my friend you will need someone's advice & nobody will be there for you. I know, you could never make a mistake like this! Please!
Judging by your answer, you are not a very good person, & when it's all said and done, you will be held accountable for your actions. Enough said! Kat

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Originally Posted by kathym72

Hello! The whole reason why I asked the question in the first place, was to make the right decision for my children, not myself! Thanks anyway.

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I realize that. But sometimes people can get caught up in the situation and forget what really matters- just making sure you keep them on your mind! Good luck with you're situation- it sounds like you're in a bit of a pickle. The best thing to do (for me at least) is step outside of yourself and the situation and observe it from the perspective of a bystander. It helps if you take the suggestions people give you and look at from that perspective because then you might see it in a different light (I hope that made sense. I'm terrible when it comes to wording sentences- english is my worst subject... ) once again, best of luck. Oh, and ignore everybody's judgment. Their statements aren't what's relevant. Ignore them and stick to the issue at hand. Who cares what a bunch of people chillin on these forums thinks about you- what you want are answers. Sometimes when I'm in really stressful situation and the world feels like it's going nowhere but down I think about what the Desiderata says-


"Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful."


For me it helps put life into perspective.

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Originally Posted by hjpan

You still don't understand what I wrote. I don't judge BY WRITING, but ACTIONS.
You screwed up and a consequence appeared. You need to take of this by yourself.
Why should I care about the facts? The outcome IS THE FACT.

Sure, AMDH can give advise but it is YOU to decide what to do.

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You are a 19 yr. old boy. Maybe you should grow up a bit before you give advice. Obviously, you've had something very bad happen to you. I see that a girl has broken your heart. You don't need to be bitter to every woman that hurts a man. I'm sure you'll make allot of mistakes in life. May not be what I did, however you will make tons of mistakes. Remember, you are not GOD! Let me guess, you probably don't believe in GOD. You will in the end! Kat

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