Ask Me Help Desk - After a breakup

Fact, you move closer she pulls away, you make plans, she cancels. I have two words for you

NO CONTACT!!

That's the only way to end her confusing you, and giving you false hope. Give your dignity, and self respect a break here.

At least take a few months for the emotional dust to settle so you can see things for what they really are, and not what you hope them to be.

Confused about my ex

I know I've already asked before but id like to hear what more have to say and now things are a little different.

So me and my ex broke up a month 1/2 ago and we still talked a little here and there and occasionally I would tell her I still loved her and she said she still cared about me but didn't love me anymore. She still wanted to be friends, then she told me she might be dating a new guy, I flipped out about it and then we got into a huge fight between both of us about what was making each other upset, things I did to upset her and things she did to upset me. After the fight she told me she's probably not going to date the other guy cause she thinks it won't work. And I told her that maybe we should cut back on talking as much until were at school. She said Ok, so I've for the most part kept my distance. But she keeps calling me and we keep talking on a constant basis and when we talk now, its almost as we talked when we were together. She's asking me to come visit her soon cause she misses seeing me.

I also told her that she doesn't need to call me or talk to me just because it'll satisfy me, and she said she's calling me because she loves talking to me and she wants to hear my voice.

Not sure what all this means. HELP

It seems that you need to figure out what you want... as you say that you want to distance yourself, but you'll pick up the phone whenever she calls.

Figure out what you want. Do you want her back? I don't recommend this... as she ended things with you, started to talk to a new guy, then ended things with him.. . this is how I see it. She ended things with you probably for this new guy. Not saying they did anything together, but they must have started talking or she at least had this guy in her sights. She tried it, didn't work, so now she's back on you.

If you don't want her back, back off. Keep your distance. Allow the both of you to get over it. If you want to be friends later on, then fine, but for now, you two need to get over each other.

Figure out what you want, then stick to it.

The hardest thing to do is cut off someone cold turkey. But that is what you must do. WALK AWAY. IT'S OVER.

In some ways, she's just toying with you. Plus, you keep talking to her, you're basically being a friend of hers. Do you really want to be her friend? If you do, be prepared to hear about the next guy's she wants to date. Do you want to hear that?

Next time she calls, tell her you don't want to really talk with her anymore. You guys BROKE-UP, it's over. Then that's it. MOVE ON.

It's hard, everyone knows that. But that is what you have to do.

--Cali

Cut her out of your life and go No contact and heal. You are only making things harder if you talk to her

The other guy, is one of her best friends she's known for a while, and it came up in conversation why they never went on a date. She was contemplating giving it a shot and she decided no.

You may be right she may be toying with me, but the type of person she is I don't think she could. Yeah I'm being stubborn and in denial maybe but I know who she is.

She's had a rough couple of months and has been like shutting herself down and one of the nights she's called me recently she kind of just broke down and toldm e everything that has been bothering her. And she knows now also like if she said I want to get back together I'm not jumping into it I made it clear with her if she wants to get back together its not going to be an immediate thing.

I agree, it's time to move on.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

So me and my ex broke up a month 1/2 ago and we still talked a little here and there and occasionally i would tell her i still loved her

So you have put yourself in the position of being available at a moments notice and given her a free pass. The emotional stuff is women's field. You let her direct the love, you stand your ground and hold back otherwise you are going to wind up getting played further... and make no mistake, she's playing you.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

and she said she still cared about me but didn't love me anymore.

That means her she finds you somewhat predictable and boring, but she doesn't want to drop you for good because she knows you'll always be available.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

She still wanted to be friends, then she told me she might be dating a new guy,

This should not be a surprise. That's why she broke up in the first place.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

i flipped out

Why? You broke up 6 weeks ago.

If getting dumped wasn't a wake up call, shouldn't this be as to what she thinks of you?

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

about it and then we got into a huge fight between both of us about what was making eachother upset, things i did to upset her and things she did to upset me.

So, you flipped out, then you got into a fight. Women love to play emotional games and they love drama. She got both. You played right into her game.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

After the fight she told me shes probably not gonna date the other guy cause she thinks it wont work.

So that should tell you that if she thought it was going to work, she would continue dating him. All that being said, why bring it up at all, if she's not going to date him. Luckily you have me, and I have the answer. It got you to "flip out" so she could test you to see where you are at and how you were emotionally when it came to her. It's all part of her game. You're her pawn in that game.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

And i told her that maybe we should cut back on talking as much until were at school.

You should have told her flat out... not maybe but flat out that you were done talking to her period. Maybe implies you can't make decision, flat out says you're a man who doesn't put up with her crap.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

She said Ok, so i've for the most part kept my distance.

Start doing it for the entire part.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

but she keeps calling me

Why not, you don't make a firm decision and she's got a game to continue playing.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

and we

And YOU

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

keep talking on a constant basis

Well, you've been talking for 6 weeks since the break up. How's that working out for you?

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

and when we talk now, its almost as we talked when we were together.

I know. Everybody reading this knows that. Because she needs to keep you as her back up plan. It's painfully obvious to those outside the emotional bubble your in. It sucks being in the bubble, but at the same time, if she's going to use you, have have to make the decision to man up and not allow it.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

Shes asking me to come visit her soon cause she misses seeing me.

Huh? She misses seeing you so she asks YOU to visit HER. Doesn't exactly sound like she misses you that much. Tell her... if you insist on talking to her, which I don't know why you would, that if she wants to see you then she can come see you. If she starts telling you something like she doesn't have a car, tell her they have invented the bus.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

I also told her that she doesnt need to call me or talk to me just because it'll satisfy me,

No offense, you sound like a complete wussy. I say that as someone who has a lifetime of wussy experience, I've been there myself so I'm not attacking you, but let's grow a pair here. You are telling her you love her, "flipping out" over other guys, but then turning around and saying don't call you to satisfy you? I see this and I'm a guy, a girl is doing somersaults to have this kind of thing handed to her. She gets to not only play her emotional games, but also test them on you because you keep coming back for more, and then try to give her excuses for reasons not to talk to you. Man up and cut her off, this is your decision to make, not her game to play.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

and she said shes calling me because she loves talking to me and she wants to hear my voice.

Sure she does. Your voice is her emotional game and dumping ground. Meanwhile you sit in emotional neutral for 6 weeks stuck trying to figure out what's going on. Your being played, and worse yet, you allowing it. It's one thing to get used and dumped. It's another to let it go for 6 more weeks while she gets away with more emotional damage.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

Not sure what all this means. HELP

It means get the hell out, and don't look back.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

the other guy, is one of her best friends shes known for a while, and it came up in conversation why they never went on a date. She was contemplating giving it a shot and she decided no.

But, none the less she did consider it.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

you may be right she may be toying with me, but the type of person she is i dont think she could.

Are you and I talking about the same person. She's not toying with you, she's using your a$$ for her emotional game.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

Yeah im being stubborn and in denial maybe but i know who she is.

Yeah so do I. She's the girl using you. Give me a break, she is acting like every other girl does in the same situation. Don't start up with this "I know her, and none of you do," BS. Women have a pattern of behavior that they follow and if she has such a high interest in you she'd be coming to see you, not thinking about another guy, not deliberately starting fights with you, and overall not disrespecting you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by makinbaconx

Shes had a rough couple of months and has been like shutting herself down and one of the nights shes called me recently she kinda just broke down and toldm e everything that has been bothering her.

Really. Are you surprised? She's made you her emotional tampon, and you continue to accept it, so who else would she call to dump her baggage on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by makinbaconx

and she knows now also like if she said I wanna get back together im not jumping into it i made it clear with her if she wants to get back together its not going to be an immediate thing.

Then why talk her? Then why tell her you love her? Then why be there when she calls wanting to talk emotions? I know you think you are controlling this, but she is in complete control of this situation. You need to cut all contact... 6 weeks ago, but now's a good time to start.

I would listen to these guys, and seriously, they know what there talking about. If you don't believe me, click on their names, and read their stories, and you'll see they said the same things you have.

They were stubborn, and in denial, as are you.

They cried begged and thought they were in control, just like you do.

They found out the hard way, it was over, and they needed to move on. Just as you will.

They ended the games, and confusion, and got healthy, and wiser, and happier, since they aren't stuck on stupid any longer (sorry guys), and its just a matter of time before you, get with the program, feel the misery, and pain, and deal with it in a positive manner.

How did they accomplish this difficult task?
No Contact, buddy, at all, and don't let her contact you.

Tal, had to spread the rep, but he is right. Read mine or Sneezy's, I can bet money he would agree, we acted like guys with no spines when we first broke up with our exes. Tal kicked both of us in the arse REAL fast. So I also want to say thank you

She wants her cake and eat it too and she is obviously not considering your feelings in any way, shape or form. Tell her that it is sending too much mixed signals to have her keep contacting you so you would appreciate that she give you time to heal by leaving you alone. She didn't think of your hurt breaking up so why be so soft that you cave in to her needs?

She is calling you because she wants to wean away from you so SHE doesn't have to deal with the harshness of breaking up. Why let her have everything to her convenience.
Tell her NO contact she made her choice.

In My opinion, your ex sounds like a very needy person. She needs someone that she can always turn too and that she knows cares about her. She knows that you are still in love with her so she keeps coming to you for comfort. She has peace of mind knowing that you are in love with her and she doesn't have to have any ties to you because you two are no longer dating. Its a win win situation for her. I imagine that you two talked a lot while you were dating considering you live so far away from each other. I hate to say it but you have become her best girlfriend that she can confide in and tell everything too. Why do you think she told you about a guy she was thinking of dating? She has put you in the friend category and she thought it was safe to discuss that sort of thing with you. Apparently it wasn't. If you don't want to get hurt anymore than you already are, stop contact with her. She keeps telling you she misses you because she doesn't want to loose her "friend" not the love of her life.

What does she want?

Hey everyone I've posted about this before so those of you who read before prob know somewhat of the story but I want to know what my ex wants with me.

So I got back to school and hung out with my ex girlfriend when I got her, we both wanted to see each other really badly. But she said before I came over to make sure I didn't say anything stupid or do anything stupid. We took a walk together and talked and stuff and I know she said she just wanted to be friends but she was holding my hand and all when we were walking. I didn't really make anything out of it and just kind of kept walking.

The next day she wanted to talk about some things that happened over the summer. So we were talking, and she was teling me about things with herp arents and all. After the dust kind of settled she wanted to watch TV, so we sat there but she wanted to just kind of lay there together like we used to when we were dating.

Later in the night I went out to a party at a friends house and she was texting me asking me if any girls there flirting with me.

So my question is, what does she want? Does she want me back?

It sounds like she may be wanting the best of both worlds and she is lonely. Or maybe she doesn't quite know how to separate the two... most people I know can't be friends with their ex, especially if they have a history. Most others will probably say stop having any contact with her, etc... I say that you should probably be cautious and take it slow. Don't be needy or clingy at all... continue to be her friend, but do the things you did before you met her... hang out with your friends, just live your life. Don't get your hopes up because girls have a way of changing their minds in an instant.

Yep Guidostern is right. She wants her cake and to eat it too.. And you are letting her, which is the worst of it all. She ended it, and your still dangling to that hook she set you off on. CUT THE CONTACT!

Yeah I plan on being cautious, and I already told her I'm not getting back together unless I'm sure its good for both of us. Its also been the first time we have seen each other in 2 1/2 months. I kind of want to tell her if we date again I want to forget what happened between us and start over but I don't know if that's being to hasty.

Not at all one bit hasty - that would be the best thing to do IF you decide to get back together. About how she's acting, she probably just misses the affection and having someone be with her. Just be careful and don't bank too much on anything. Enjoy your "Single" life and spend time with her if you both feel like it.

Yeah I'm not sure really, she's a strange girl a lot has been going on in her life lately so she's been kind of a mess. I already told her this is fine and all but she needs to square things away with her family first. But she's been really apologetic lately to me about everything that's happened cause she's been upset a bit also because all my friends as ty as it is, have been different to her and she's bothered by that cause we used to be all close. And she was kind of the outsider coming in.

I want her back but don't know how to do it lol.

Whatever you do, don't let her play with your emotions... you have to be strong and stay true to yourself. If you do want this to work out, you did the right thing by letting her know that it's going to be on your terms and not hers... now the ball is in her court... don't worry though, there will be plenty of other girls... you can count on it.