NNG, I'm going to add a little more because the truth of the matter is, I was kind of allowing the same thing to happen to me during my recent break up. She was in complete control and when she would contact me, it was always on her terms and I was always on defense not wanting to upset her. I'd see her and she'd say something small and I'd hold onto it thinking she had come around. The reality was, I was the one that needed to come around, I was the one that had been disrespected at various times, just like you, and I bite my tongue and let it go as not to upset her. That's exactly what you are doing. But at whose expense? Not hers. You're the one who's taken a step backwards or as I was "stuck in neutral." I work with my ex, and I've started leaving for lunch just to avoid her, you have the option of at least being not to see her or talk to her. Take that option because your mental and emotional health is more important then her mental and emotional games. I know it sucks when you give a damn about someone and it's not coming back, but I am telling you, it sucks a lot worse when you stop and realize that you are only helping her play her game. Don't be that guy, she may be a low life, but that doesn't mean she has to drag you down with her.

HHhmmm, sounds like what's been done to me and what I've done to a past ex. Lol. You want them, but at the same time, you don't. Well, that's just not good enough, is it? The more you let yourself talk to her, meet up with her, etc when you have YET to fully complete the healing process, you will hurt. In fact, you'll hurt more each time you go back on NC.

People think it's wrong to act on your "emotions" or that "emotions" are bad. I don't think that's necessarily true. What type of emotions are evoked when you remember the ways in which she mistreated you, how she still mistreats you by insensitively mentioning other guys (which I've also done), and all the plethora of reasons that the relationship ended to begin with? I'm sure you feel a crazy amalgam of a lot of things--sadness, relief, resentment, anger, the works.

So concentrate on those emotions that made you angry and unhappy. DON'T go backwards on NC. You've been doing great so far. Notice that the longer you maintain NC, the happier you become. The longer you talk to her, the more miserable and confused you get. Do you notice the happiness gap?

It's up to you, but I advise that you just drop all lines of communication with her. Tell her it's for you, not her. Or I suppose you don't even have to. How do you know when you're healed and no longer have to do NC? When you no longer need/care to know the answer.

PERSEVERANCE, NNG!

NNG,

As you know I have followed your story from pretty much the beginning and am at about the same point in my journey as you are.

I personally think that you need ot take everything you hear from her worth a grain of salt. I can tell you from experience that the first my ex dumped me, last year, she told me a lot of the same things that you heard from your ex. She mentioned spending the rest of her life with me, etc, etc, etc... In the end, we got back together, but it didn't last very long.

I think you have every right to be worried about her just "using" you to feel better until she can feel better herself. You need to make sure that nothing like that is going on if you continue to keep communication with her.

I know its going to be the hardest part but your best bet is to ignore it and move on. You need to remove yourself from the confusion that is keeping your down. Sure it made you feel good, but how much time have you spent confused and worrying about what she is thinking and what will happen in the future?

Probably not what you want to hear, but I'm trying to give you the best thoughts I can...

Hang in there bud.

Hey you guys... I want to thank you for the responses. They were really what I was hoping to hear... And I did know what you would say Tal.. Chuff, that was good advice, its nice to know someone went through that too, thanks bud. And everybody else, really in a time like this it means the world to me.

And when I say time like this I mean time like this... things really hit the fan tonight... Big time.

One of my girlfriends came over and told me that she (my ex) had hooked up with somebody but didn't know much else. She told me because she knew I was thinking of going to see her and wanted me not to. So I called my ex with my friend there. And I confronted her... After prying her I got out that she made out with this guy... So I asked... is there anybody else... She says one more... (being very reluctant to talk by this point)... I ask point blank, did you sleep with him? And there is silence for like 5 seconds. I say you did, and she admits it... A one time thing she says, crying and that she thought of me the whole time, and that her head was all over the place since the break up. It wasn't the true her. Anyway I got all the info I wanted (this happened 1 month ago, so 1 month after we did break up as it has been 2 months. She started begging me to come see her still, and that she wants to be with me now. That I am the only one in her heart.. (felt like saying but not the only one between your legs)

So I said I hope he was worth it to you and said bye.

While this totally crushes any chance of me wanting her back... What the hell do I do know? I am absolutely crushed and can't stop picturing it. My girl had sex with another guy. Its just, I can't even explain it, just feel like crap . ANY HELP or advise would help so much. You guys were right all along about this one, and now I need you more than ever. DAY 1


Side note... She said over and over not to tell anyone... She didn't want her reputation to suffer... Glad that's what she is thinking about the most when she tells me this . SELFISH TO THE BITTER END!!

Hey BB, could use your help on this update for sure!

I think you should (move on). I agree with you that if she really wanted back, I'm sure she wouldn't be waffling around about some time in August. Please. People make time for what they want to make time for. Period.

Also I went and read your previous saga, er, I mean post, (don't worry, mine was quite long & detailed too!), and since February, she went on vacation, and met some people and seems like she got a little taste of the big world and her personality kind of changed.

I know how you feel about feeling like a low priority in some ways because my ex would put other things on such a pedestal, too, and it didn't make me feel like I was special.

One other thing to note, also, is that sometimes when people are looking at moving to a new place and starting a whole new life there, it is so overwhelming that they actually distance themselves from their S/O, though probably they don't realize they're doing it.

Anyway, yes I don't think she's taking you very seriously right now or making you a priority, so yeah, I'd go back to NC, and in fact in some ways it sounds to me as if it might be in your best interest to move on, and live your life, and eventually find someone else.

Hey you guys... I want to thank you for the responses. They were really what I was hoping to hear... And I did know what you would say Tal.. Chuff, that was good advice, its nice to know someone went through that too, thanks bud. And everybody else, really in a time like this it means the world to me.

And when I say time like this I mean time like this... things really hit the fan tonight... Big time.

One of my girlfriends came over and told me that she (my ex) had hooked up with somebody but didn't know much else. She told me because she knew I was thinking of going to see her and wanted me not to. So I called my ex with my friend there. And I confronted her... After prying her I got out that she made out with this guy... So I asked... is there anybody else... She says one more... (being very reluctant to talk by this point)... I ask point blank, did you sleep with him? And there is silence for like 5 seconds. I say you did, and she admits it... A one time thing she says, crying and that she thought of me the whole time, and that her head was all over the place since the break up. It wasn't the true her. Anyway I got all the info I wanted (this happened 1 month ago, so 1 month after we did break up as it has been 2 months. She started begging me to come see her still, and that she wants to be with me now. That I am the only one in her heart.. (felt like saying but not the only one between your legs)

So I said I hope he was worth it to you and said bye.

While this totally crushes any chance of me wanting her back... What the hell do I do know? I am absolutely crushed and can't stop picturing it. My girl had sex with another guy. Its just, I can't even explain it, just feel like crap . ANY HELP or advise would help so much. You guys were right all along about this one, and now I need you more than ever. DAY 1


Side note... She said over and over not to tell anyone... She didn't want her reputation to suffer... Glad that's what she is thinking about the most when she tells me this . SELFISH TO THE BITTER END!!

NNG,

Where to start...

First off, I can't imagine how crushing it must have been to hear that. Personally I will tell you that those lines have been my worst fear since the breakup. I hope to God that it doesn't happen, and if it does, I really don't want to know. I can't say I have lived through what you are feeling, but I have certainly feared and tasted a bit of it...

I guess it doesn't need to be said anymore, but NC from here out is definitely your plan. You need to prevent yourself from hearing things like this. You said that you pryed the information out of her, and I know exactly how that feels. You hope that your going to hear everything you want, and nothing you don't - thing is, it rarely turns out that way. Digging for information is probably one of the worst things you could possibly do in a situation such as a breakup.

No doubt you feel the pain, anger, frustration and resentment at the fact that she apparently moved on so fast. To be perfectly honest, I don't think she moved on at that point, I still don't think she has, but I don't think that means you need to waste another minute of your time thinking about her. Easier said than done, I know.

She might have been thinking about you the whole time, but if she was why wouldn't she contact you, or try to, and try to talk to you. It seems to make sense that a resonably intelligent person would be able to realize that something such as that isn't going to make you feel better if your doing it for all the wrong reasons...

So where to go from here?? First of all, don't think of it as day 1. I can tell you from similar experiences which have made me panic and feel like I was starting all over again that it isn't quite as bad as you think at first. I felt like I was starting all over again, and I wasted all of that time on nothing. Not true.

It may take a week, it may take more, but you will be feeling like you were 3 days ago before you know it. Just keep telling yourself that you know you will get better, you have lived through these ups and downs before. I'm not sure if it happens to you, but you might start feeling like you don't even want to get better. You want to stay sad and stay held down so that maybe she will feel bad for you, or maybe she will start begging (though it seems she has already started).

Try to see the end, the end that you were seeing before. The life of happiness that you got a taste of without her. Keep working towards that goal and you will get there before you know it. As low as you feel now, I assure you the climb back out is easier than the initial climb. It won't take you another 2 months, I promise. Don't spend time worrying about how long its going to take to be back where you were, just worry about what you need to do.

The same old rules for NC apply, NNG. Keep busy, keep busy, keep busy. As long as your mind is occupied, you can't waste your time wondering about her and crying out in your mind "WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?!?!". As long as your mind is occupied, you will be headed for better times faster and faster...

Sorry for the length, but I know when I'm down I like to read a long story. Keeps me occupied... As always, feel free to PM me if you need, hope this helps bud.

Hang in there.

-BB

To be honest and not harsh, you invited, and allowed this new misery and pain in your life. Guess who has to do the work involved with coping with it??

Hi NNG,

I am so sorry that this happened and she did this. The only thing I can say to you is to know that you can and will do better than her. I know you love her, I know you are hurt, believe me, but after this shock begins to wear off, you will then see that she is not who you thought she was, and that you will definitely find the right woman. Sweetie, go back to the NC, and keep talking with us. Like BB said, keep yourself as busy as possible, and if you find yourself getting sad, cry... cry it all out honey. Then, after the tears stop, smile. Realize that you are a great guy, and know that there is a woman around the proverbial corner, who will sweep you off YOUR feet...

Hey all,

I want to thank you all for the support. Haha and tal... that hurt a bit I will admit, and I know its something I allowed to happen and have to accept the consequences as my own. The last few days have been interesting... but bird you were right, already I am starting to feel better. I have lost all want and desire to ever be with her again which is good. The only thing that haunts me is the thought of them doing the deed, every now and then it really hits me and I feel a bit sick. I am starting to kind of see this as something that had to happen, because now I completely and finally realized that I am better off. Just wish I had been able to do it on my own, because this really isn't fun. So everyone that needs an example of how not doing NC can be bad, this is it... I took the ultimate hit and it really hurts...

On a further update she sent me an e-mail last night... Seems like she was mad at me... I could tell that it was a plot to make me feel bad and to get me to come crawling back to her... because that's what I always did.

Here it is...

hi
i just want to say a couple things ...
I know i shouldnt have done what i did....it was too soon, and obviously I am not over u. I just dont know if its fair for you to talk to other people about this and them tell you that you kept me grounded....I havent felt this low about myself ever! I feel like a complete fool... :( ... I was good to you for a very long time. We are humans. A couple months ago i felt things with us werent right, i wasnt sure wat was goign through my head and i thought the right thing to do was to act on it and let you know.....then a month later i got a little crush and it went too far...but like ... right now i honestly feel like WORTHLESS.....i feel like a HUGE WHORE, a slut, skank, you name it......and then i take a step back and think ... really I am not this person.. why am i letting you tell me im so crummy and then beleiving it.
I have such high goals in life, I want to make a difference, I want to be healthy, I want to have a nice family, I value my family and friends, I like to be friendly, and i do have self respect. So i made a mistake..... I did....and now becasue of that i am sitting here in london alone ....cannot stop crying....go to work with swollen eyes....falling asleep on my desk...cant concentrate....all because of this dam mistake.
All i want you to try to do is not look at this from ONLY a negative point ... i am so so so sorry i hurt you...i am....but i dont want to lose all self-esteem i have left and jeopardize my masters :(

So I decided I was going to respond, I knew I was never going to be with her, so I decided to take a different approach to it all and go out like the person I think I am...

Steph,

I never told you you were crummy, I let you know what it did to me. You told me from very early on that you were messed up and that you weren't sure this was the end. You told me you weren't interested in guys and that you don't even hangout with ones that like you. If you had been honest about all that from the onset I would have moved on. I kept my heart open to you steph, I kept a burning flame for you, thinking yes she is telling me the truth and she will let me know. I didn't go around telling people I kept you grounded... Someone told me that. You said to me right before I wrote that that I brought out the best in you. I never called you names over this, I told you how it made me feel and that was it. I was absolutely devastated that I was still in love with someone who so clearly wasn't with me. I mis-read the situation and it is my own fault for putting myself through this, people are going to do what they are going to do.... like you said humans are humans. It was hard thinking of every time we were intimate and replacing myself with someone else. You always told me this would never happen but here we are... Life tests you and I know that this pain in me won't last forever.

I know you have high goals and I know you will do superbly with them in the future. I wish you the best of luck with your life, love, happiness and career. The sky's the limit for you steph, and I know you will do great. Keep your chin up and don't give up on anything. You have worked hard for this masters and I know you are going to do great. Anyways, I guess this is it from old rick. Thank you for all you have taught me, and the times we have shared, even with all that has happened, I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

Just remember this....

Everything will be okay in the end.... if it's not ok, it's not the end....

Love Rick




She has been texting me pretty non-stop since she got it, begging for another chance... So I guess in the end I really did get what I wanted... her wanting me back. But its tarnished now, and I really do just want to move on. I haven't responded, and won't any longer. This is really the final chapter in our break-up... Now the actual healing can start. I know this was long but I wanted to share the very end with all of you. Thanks for all your help guys, its meant so much, really.

Not problem bro... see... keep looking ahead... you will be better off without her and she is feel sorry for letting a good catch... you will be fine man... keep you head up!! cheers... what was once thought as gold as now tarnished... hahaha... I love to say that too... ok got to get ready for my new lady...
PS: last night I had sooo much fun that it should be illegal

NNG,

It is amazing how similar your situations and your feelings are to mine. I can tell you that I have had that images run through my head, I have felt the sick feelings and I know what you mean. In my case, they were all imagined and conclusions that I jumped to, but to think about it makes you sick nonetheless.

The "replacing" or yourself with someone else in those situations - all of that, I have been there and it sucks. I can tell you that after a while you start to become "numb" to the images and the feelings associated with them. It doesn't really make it suck any less, but it still hurts a bit.

The way you wrote your email back to her is amazing to how I have felt too. All thorugh the breakup, she was insistent that she was being completely and 100% honest with me. She wanted to be alone, she wanted to work on herself and she wanted to become a "better person". She didn't treat me very great, and finally recognized it and wanted to change that about herself. In any case, to find out that it was all lies would crush me, as it did to you.

Just wanted you to know I know EXACTLY how you are feeling and my thought process is identical. Hang in there bud, you will get through it. Just know that your doing the right thing.

Thanks bird,

I don't really know if anyone should believe what the person who wants to break up says... Seems that time and time again they try to come off in a way that will make them look better in the eyes of the person they are letting go... Also, they probably don't want to hurt you as they usually do still care. But the truth is what I wish I had gotten a long time ago. I have wasted a lot of emotions on her... Not necessarily that she slept with someone but that she really didn't have any intention of reconciling with me. She really lead me on... but really its my fault, I allowed it and should have got out a long time ago.

It's nice to have someone who is thinking like I am. Feeling like you are not the only one in the world going through it helps a lot. I think that numb feeling you talked about has come sooner than expected. Still really hurts sometimes but its almost like I am so emotionally drained that I can't do it right now. I am sure it will come and hit me again, but for now I am glad I am feeling all right. She is still sending me little love texts to try and reel me in. Its funny because I don't mind anymore. I am not responding and the sad feeling I got when I used to get them isn't there anymore.

Thanks again BB, glad you got my back

Were still young, plenty of years ahead.

No reason to waste all this time on what happened. Remember what things we like when you were together, and respect what you had. Don't forget it and don't waste the lessons you learn now during the breakup...

We'll all be fine. And remember, this happens to everyone - your never alone in it.

So a few of you are familiar with my story... Anyway I am 7 months into my breakup after being together for 4 years. I got very serious about NC about two months ago. ( was never the one to contact her but had a problem ignoring her) Anyway I went as far as changing my phone number and blocking her from all e-mails, IM's and social networks.

About 2 weeks ago though a buddy of mine called me to tell me something he thought I should know. He was talking to one of my ex's good guy " friends' " ex. Anyway I guess they were talking about her breakup and they brought me up. She mentioned that my ex and her ex had hooked up... My friend figured whatever, she hooked up with just about everyone after we broke up... but she said no, this is while NNG and her were dating. Apparently she instantly regretted saying this and begged my friend not to tell me. He said of course I am going tell him. So he told me, it hurt for a second but then helped me to really get rid of those last nagging feelings I had for her. I then slept on it and proceeded to break NC by unblocking her e-mail and sending her a quick message explaining that I knew and how I should have really just moved on earlier and that I deserved much more blah blah blah. I then reblocked her as I didn't care about a response and really didn't want one.

So last night I get a call from my brother saying that my ex has called him very upset, wanting my number. He didn't but she said she would find it eventually. Well she did, ten minutes later I got a call. I ignored it. She left a very very long voicemail crying saying how it didn't happen and that she really misses me. She even said I love you quite a few times which at this point I felt was pretty inappropriate. There is not a doubt in my mind that she cheated, as my emotional blinders have lifted over time I can see that I was messed around on more that once. She asked me to call her back, and to at least just tell her that I don't want to talk to her and if I don't she will continue to call me... Seems ridiculous to me that she would do this, and I am pretty peeved that she would even call me in the first place... she knows I changed my number because of her. She wanted this break up after all so it really perplexes me as to why she can't let go and I have been able to.

So should I just call her and say no to anymore contact. I don't want to discuss the cheating thing as to me there is nothing to discuss and it really doesn't matter either way. Or... should I just continue with no contact, ignore her till the bitter end.

Suggestions?

Don't contact her again. You're way too far past it at this point to bother. She'll get over it, and all that you'll get out of it is getting caught up in her drama that will lead nowhere but exactly where you are right now. She's just looking for forgiveness - but you've basically already done that. It's in the universe already.

Just ignore her, she'll get the message eventually. Contacting her could lead to more complication.

No Contact it is!

Leave it be. I can't say that if I was in your position I would have the self control to not call her back, but since I am an outsider, it makes it easier for me to tell you that. You have come way too far to possibly re-open a devastating situation. Find a way to block her number from your phone and keep on moving on! It doesn't matter anymore... she doesn't matter anymore.

You started this latest round by breaking NC and sending her an email, and I can understand her wish to be able to respond, although a better person would have ignored your email. Threatening to keep calling if you don't call back is blackmail. But blocking someone but then writing to them yourself is pretty bad too.

If you want to take the low road but protect yourself, then simply don't call back, ever.

If you want to take the high road, apologize for your message and say you regret sending a goading message. Then go on to say you really don't want to be in contact anymore, and apologize separately for breaking your own no contact rule. Entertain one more round of communication to let her have her say. Then go back to NC.

You really don't know at this point whether what your buddy said is true or accurate and I would put it out of your mind. It obviously feeds into your worst fears.

And find some new friends. Your buddy is a gossip and a trouble maker.