Ask Me Help Desk - Trust with girlfriends mother

I agree that even when you are not married but living together you should have the same
Commitment level as being married if you want it to work.
I agree that she is was not considerate. I just told my boyfriend the other day he is not considerate when he comes to visit me and the next thing I know he has walked down the street to hang out without even saying he is going down the street and we don't even live together.
Not sure what you are looking for here as an answer since you quit the relationship what is the problem. Are you wanting confirmation about how you feel? Or how to deal with issues?
Really, if you want to work things out the only thing you can do is tell her how you feel and discuss how things should work in the future. Discuss what she feels is important to her in the relationship like her needs, her space and what you can do to accommodate each other with compromises and what you can not compromise on. Basically, get on the same page or you're not going to work out together.

You are telling me that you think its fine if your girlfriend/wife stays out till the next day, and doesn't notify you at any point? What are you even talking about?

I am wanting to understand why since you broke up with her why are you concerned?
I agree with you. As I have been saying she wasn't compatible for you--leave her for somebody that is into that lifestyle of not caring. You care find somebody that cares enough back.

Might I add, since I want to make sure that you guys know where I'm coming from. These are events that occurred prior to the main one we are discussing:

After an argument one night, she told me she would go to her sisters house. She left, but
When we spoke later she was at some guys apartment (two of them alone) smoking weed...

Cries at least 2-3 times a week, regardless to the issues (money, work related, etc) instead of talking about it in a way that deal with the problem she cries, and I calm her down and assure her. I am the man here and this is my responsibility, but I think to cry this often is rooted to other personal issues that even I can't resolve.

Lets people walk over her. This is at work, her family, you name it. I train her emotionally to believe in herself and stand on her two feet. Any man who loves his woman would do the same for her. I helped her find justice when she was sexually harassed at work, I could not accept that she wouldn't stand up for herself so I made her go back to work and report it. Turned out better than she thought. But she recently had a coworker throw something at the back of her head, and she isn't doing much about it...

LIED TO HER FAMILY ABOUT DATING ME, and later about living with me... nuff said
(we are of different races, although I will not mention what they are because
I don't feel that is important here)

Lied about men she had sex with before she met me... problem is we agreed to be open about who each of our friends are, and if someone is around you that you once slept with, I feel your partner at least has the right to know. We agreed on this mutually and I have been open with her when this situation turned my way.. she has not

Count your blessing that she is not with you any more and move on.

Why am I concerned? Because if we live together, than obviously I love her enough to get some outside advice on the issue before I make her move out

Oh so even though you said you broke up with her she hasn't moved out yet.
Like I said I do not think she is right for you and unless you have a long talk with her and get on the same page you are wasting your time on her. Your values are too different and I doubt she is going to change for you.
That is my advice.

You may be right about this. It's just sad that in every other way we are great, from our humor, to thinking on most things (aside from this), we've even renovated the house together, we've been though a lot, all with communication. But unfortunately I've been deceived, because she loved my morals and beliefs, and wanted to learn so much more with me about them. But I've felt now that her actions don't show that if she behaved this way

I broke up with her 2 days ago, so no she hasn't moved out yet. Her mother is still in town as we speak

Men exist on a large scale, dominant to passive. It is obvious where I lay on this scale, but on the same token this applies to women. There are dominant women, and passive women. I do not feel that where you lay on that scale makes you possesive at all. I feel
That there is great confusion with this.

I don't think you were possessive at all. You wanted a 'normal' relationship and she wanted to play more than invest an effort into making it really work.

Sorry you didn't like my post, I thought it could help, but if not Good luck.

I took in some of what you said. I just felt that you had not thought enough about the situation before stating that I was possesive. Regardless they are still opinions that I must keep my ear open to. I accept the diversity, and acknowledge that just because I feel I am right, does not mean that their aren't other points of view here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Genuineforce

Some people really confuse old fashioned with possesive. Its funny because they can be more brainwashed than those who they accuse of this because communication and respect have NOTHING to do with controlling or degrading a woman. Not at all

I agree with this statement whole-heartedly.

Quote:

I just felt that you had not thought enough about the situation before stating that I was possesive.

Actually the term I used was controlling. Also, I read the whole post, and what you subsequently added.

From your initial post, it sounded as if this was a one-time thing, you did not mention that this occurred more often - just that her mother flew in for the 'occasion'. That's why I was so upset and concluded that you would expect her to give everything and everyone up for you and that you expect to know where she was all the time.

Also, I stated that if she were with other friends, I could understand you being upset.

Now that you've given us more information and this turned out to not be just a one time thing with her, then of course you've got a right to be upset, especially if you talked about her behavior and set some ground-rules and she did not respect your wishes. Maybe you could have told us about her previous 'escapades' more and then added the date with Mom later. I certainly would not have been so 'hard' on you because this sheds new light on the situation. But, the choices she makes are still her own, accept it and move on if you can't live with it.

I still feel that you expect a lot from a 4 month relationship - and unfortunately, from a woman who is not ready to be a home-body. She's going to have her fun with or without you and if you want her in your life, you need to talk and meet her half way.

Old-fashioned or not, the only control you have is over how you cope with life and what you expect, but you cannot expect anyone else to totally agree with you right off the bat.

Maybe you did fear that she was hurt or in a hospital, or whatever, but it sounds to me as if you are talking about a child who has broken rules and instead of hugging them and telling them you are glad they are OK and missed them, you tend more to punish.

I seriously don't think she is ready to settle down as much as you are, so it would probably be better for the both of you to find more compatible partners to grow with and share common goals.

My last 'partner' and I were together for over 4 years, and guess what, I never called.. and I only went out with my daughter and her friends - he complained a lot, but that went in one ear and out the other because I felt that this was his problem, not mine - and I don't drink. I went out regularly with her once a month before she became a mother and is now concentrating on a new chapter in her life. He went out once a week to get drunk, and that did not bother me either - unless he got sick and missed the toilet because I was the one who had to clean up after him. Needless to say, we are no longer together.. and I'm sure you'll find the right person for you too.

Good luck.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Actually the term I used was controlling. Also, I read the whole post, and what you subsequently added.

Lets not get "technical" just so you can make yourself look better. I think anyone who read your advice can see what you meant, controlling/possesive come under the same umbrella and neither apply to my situation.
Thanks anyway, and good luck with your 30 year illusion

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chery

From your initial post, it sounded as if this was a one-time thing, you did not mention that this occurred more often - just that her mother flew in for the 'occasion'. That's why I was so upset and concluded that you would expect her to give everything and everyone up for you and that you expect to know where she was all the time.

Also, I stated that if she were with other friends, I could understand you being upset.

Now that you've given us more information and this turned out to not be just a one time thing with her, then of course you've got a right to be upset, especially if you talked about her behavior and set some ground-rules and she did not respect your wishes. Maybe you could have told us about her previous 'escapades' more and then added the date with Mom later. I certainly would not have been so 'hard' on you because this sheds new light on the situation. But, the choices she makes are still her own, accept it and move on if you can't live with it.

I still feel that you expect a lot from a 4 month relationship - and unfortunately, from a woman who is not ready to be a home-body. She's going to have her fun with or without you and if you want her in your life, you need to talk and meet her half way.

Old-fashioned or not, the only control you have is over how you cope with life and what you expect, but you cannot expect anyone else to totally agree with you right off the bat.

Maybe you did fear that she was hurt or in a hospital, or whatever, but it sounds to me as if you are talking about a child who has broken rules and instead of hugging them and telling them you are glad they are OK and missed them, you tend more to punish.

I seriously don't think she is ready to settle down as much as you are, so it would probably be better for the both of you to find more compatible partners to grow with and share common goals.

My last 'partner' and I were together for over 4 years, and guess what, I never called.. and I only went out with my daughter and her friends - he complained a lot, but that went in one ear and out the other because I felt that this was his problem, not mine - and I don't drink. I went out regularly with her once a month before she became a mother and is now concentrating on a new chapter in her life. He went out once a week to get drunk, and that did not bother me either - unless he got sick and missed the toilet because I was the one who had to clean up after him. Needless to say, we are no longer together.. and I'm sure you'll find the right person for you too.

Good luck.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

You are right, that I didn't mention the previous issues with her originally. After some of the initial feedback I realized this, and saw how important it was to explain what built up to this being a bigger issue for me. Its most certainly not about controlling or changing your partner. However, when they have repeatedly went against values that you mutually agreed upon when starting the relationship, you have the right to be upset and even end a relationship because of this. This is how I feel.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Actually the term I used was controlling. Also, I read the whole post, and what you subsequently added.

I can see right through you, and I'm sure some others here can as well wheather they
Keep it to themselves or not.;)

Quote:

Genuineforce, Lets not get "technical" just so you can make yourself look better.

I don't have to look better for you, or any one else. I got mine, you need to get yours.

Quote:

I think anyone who read your advice can see what you meant,

You don't have to agree with me, thats up to you.

Quote:

controlling/possesive come under the same umbrella and neither apply to my situation.

Not when it comes to interacting with your fellow human being it doesn't and knowing the subte differences could help you in the future.

Quote:

Thanks anyway, and good luck with your 30 year illusion

Hope you get the illusion you deserve also,