Originally Posted by realitybites72
Dysfunction is addicting, isn't it? I guess it's human nature -- or woman's nature -- to think if we're just patient... if we just love more... we can fix it.
There's one thing you and I are both doing wrong. We're answering that phone. I've broken up with mine more than once, but he calls and cries, pleads, begs, and I give him another chance. Yet, in the past year NOTHING has changed, and it's not going to. All I'm doing (everyone is right) is enabling him just like his family does. I allow him to continue as is. He has the right to continue as is and to be happy with his life, but he has to realize he won't have me in it if that's the way he's going to live. Same with yours. It's not about what you need or want. It's about him stepping up to the plate and living like an adult man, not an adolescent teen -- if he wants to be with you.
Mine agreed to move close to me. He agreed to leave his family, but the condition was he had to go back once a month to visit. He's never had a job! He's not going to make the money to go home to visit once a month. He lives over 2,000 miles away. So he would count on me to help. Honestly, he makes me sick. And the repulsion is starting to be stronger than the love.
The only way to get away from the mess is to cut all contact. That's hard, isn't it? If they show up on our doorstep, it's not answering the door or the phone. If they hang out for hours when we don't speak to them, it's calling the police. I know that's low down, but I don't want peter friggin pan, and I don't need a sulking stalker either. Does yours cry? I mean, shed tears and sob because "you're being so mean by not understanding."
If yours wants you back, he knows what to do. Same with mine. Continuing to communicate with them is just giving them a reason to hang on. They're not going to change. Mine is in his thirties, pushing 40's.
But see, there's this fairy tale playing in my head that says if you just wait a little longer, if you just answer that phone when he calls so he knows you're still there... he'll change. Too bad I know better than to listen to that fairy tale.
Sorry if I sound bitter this morning Mine left me nasty emails because he called, and I was asleep. I had a rough day yesterday. I'm sunburned and blistered. Worse yet, my ex sister-in-law's hubby died at 50 years old from a heart attack. She and I are friendly, but not close. Still, it makes you think... "dang, life is so short, and I'm wasting it on THAT?" So now mine says I must not love him anymore because all he wanted to do was say good night and I didn't answer the phone. Of course, he's fishing for the "of course I still love you" because that's his open door to worm his way back in.
I'm glad I found you here. I don't know a way to give you my email addy on here, but if you do, let me know. Maybe instead of answering the phone when he calls, you can email me instead. I know it's HARD to break away because we care and have hopes (even if they're not realistic), but I think that's what we both need to do. I do anyway.
