Bigbird...

Right now, you're so concerned about how she feels and how she's going to react... but the thing is, you should be concerned about how YOU'RE feeling and how YOU'RE reacting to all this.

She'll be fine. I don't mean that in a mean way... but it's true. She'll find her way to get better. Got to focus on you... because if you don't, come 2 - 3 weeks from now, she'll slowly feel better and you'll still be stuck in that rut.

I know that you said you two are taking a break... fine. You guys aren't officially broken up... but you have to treat this as if you two have broken up if you're going to make anything better.

If you work on yourself:
If you two get back together, then you'll be THAT much better as a person if you work on yourself for now... if you two DON'T get back together, then you'll be more focused and better at "getting over her"

If you DON'T work on yourself:
If you two get back together, same problems will exist (if you two had problems). If you two don't get back together, this past week or so will seem like a waste, and you'll take much longer getting over her.

... hope that made sense.

Tal - I'm sure it just is that itch to say hi. I just need to keep myself busy and not let these thoughts linger...

Sneezy - That made perfect sense. Basically what your saying is that if I don't start getting myself better I'm stuck in a lose/lose situation. But If I work on making myself better, I move up to at LEAST and win/lose situation :) The funny part is, what you told me is exactly what I told myself for the first 3 or 4 days which kept me feeling pretty good. Sometimes I need to hear my own advice from someone else :)

I think the main reason I wrote that was because I was scaring myself. I was starting to have the thoughts that came the first time through this (a year ago). I was getting nervous that I was sliding backward, but it was just a hiccup. Sometimes those lonely mornings are tough...

I agree with the morning thing.. for someone reason mornings are so hard when your heartbroken.. I can't explain it! Rememeber when you were saying that you feel better this time around with the "break" then last time? True you probably do.. but you were also probably (and don't take this as an offense) in denial or shock.. your brain probably wasn't letting it sink in

I had the same problem.. and then all of a sudden it hits you (expecially in the morning) and you're like "I feel crappy!"

I've been on your X girlfriends side, telling the boyfriend you need a break.. and being so hurt that you're apart.. Let me tell you it's a confusing time and part of me wanted him back soooo bad, and thinking of being without him was UNBARABLE but the other part of me was saying, " no this is the right thing to do, blah blah" so when you're getting those emails she's just missing you..

Everyone is right though.. nc is important and work on yoursefl and distract yourself.. I just wanted to give you a little insight on her side to maybe help you understand some of the crazy confusing things she's doing

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Originally Posted by plonak

I agree with the morning thing.. for someone reason mornings are so hard when your heartbroken.. I can't explain it! Rememeber when you were saying that you feel better this time around with the "break" then last time? true you probably do.. but you were also probably (and don't take this as an offense) in denial or shock.. your brain probably wasn't letting it sink in

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While that might be true, I'm not sure I buy it right away. The backdrop to this goes as follows:

We were together for just about 3 years and she broke up with me for a while - sort of the same reason with the exception that someone had caught her eye at the time. Turns out she was kind of made a fool of, but after quite a few months we got back together. People tell me all the time that I was stupid for going back because I just stood there waiting. The way I see it, I was begging, and waiting, for the first month or two probably. Soon after that I gave up and started working on myself.

Well when we got back together, things were good, as expected... anyway, this time around I wasn't the same person. So something in me had changed. I sometimes feel guilty for it, but I never let myself get totally engulfed in her, like I had the first time around (my first relationship). I think that the distance I kept, and the effort I put into keeping my own life apart from "our" life is helping me to take this a little easier. Of course that doesn't stop me from thinking that separation I worked for might be part of the reason we aren't together...

I feel your pain bigbird, I'm right there with you

She does not seem like someone you should be with. She is clearly using you and then when someone better comes around she leaves, and then comes back to you because your safe when things don't work out with the "other guy". Also, you said you changed and didn't engulf her in your life and she probably didn't like that you weren't doteing after her every move... She seems selfish and I think it's the best thing that you guys are done..

Congrats on changing though and not engulfing.. a person can learn from every relationship, and hopefully you will find someone who deserves a great person like you.. You seem to have your head on straight and you seem to be a really nice guy.. Be confident and keep the NC for YOUR sake... and when (or if) she comes crawling back to you.. you can hold your head high and know that you have more respect in yourself than to fall back in the same trap that you had already fell in before.. Kudos my man!

Thanks plonak, means a lot :)

I'm amazed at the lengths the human mind will go to just to destroy itself. Case in point, I know that I need to start moving on, get over her, stop thinking about her and start thinking about myself. Regardless of this fact, I find myself checking status messages on instant messengers. While I have been smart enough to stay off Facebook and myspace (my undoing last time) I still check the status/away messages on instant messengers for some unknown reason. It's that curiosity nagging from my semi-concise mind.

What I find amazing is how stupid messages, things which mean nothing, can completely send ones mind into a downward spiral. While nothing has really happened, a stupid message as simple as "Showering and Doing my Hair" is enough to make one go mad... I truly doubt my sanity when I begin to ask myself questions like "Why is she showering", "Why does her hair have to be done", "Who is she meeting tonight", "Who is she trying to impress", etc, etc, etc.

This is not an isolated incident either, in the past (the first time this happened) a simply smiley face would have me almost crying. A sad face would almost put me in a good mood (sick I know). Something as simple as "...bored" would have me asking "who is she telling shes bored", "Who is she trying to make plans with", etc...

I'm not writing this because I'm upset, I'm actually intrigued. Has this happened to any of you before? Or, to the senior members, have you noticed this a pattern with a lot of people? Its almost like a pattern of voluntary self-destruction.

Needless to say, I removed her name from my contact list so it shouldn't be a problem anymore. Now if I want to destroy my mind, I need to type the whole name in and click a button -- more time for me to stop myself :)

Thanks for reading my rant

Haha.. I know exactly what you mean by "voluntary self destruction". I did the same thing last time my ex and I broke up. I spent those 2 months actively looking for things (ie. Checking his friend's myspace pages for any glimpse of what he might be up to, even checking his phone records since his bills were still coming to my house to see who he was talking to, how long was he talking to them, how often, and if I didn't know the number I would look it up or even sometimes, call it to find out who it was). God, I was insane. All I was doing was (1) driving myself crazy imagining all these crazy scenarios of what was happening and (2) completely wasting my time! If its any consolation, all those crazy scenarios I had in my head, turned out to be completely untrue. After we got back together, we talked about what we had been up to. I had been going out at least 2-3 times a week for 2 months, dating guys, trying to enjoy myself. He had gone out like 4 times in the entire 2 months and had pretty much spent the whole time working and just hanging out playing playstation. So, I basically drove myself insane for nothing.

This time, I have no desire to know anything about what's going on with him now. Why should I spend my time wondering what he's doing? Its not like he's sitting around wondering desperately what I'm doing... And anyway, what they do now is no reflection and has nothing to do with us! Its not a competition.

The "what ifs" will kill you. Trust me! Its such a waste of energy. Just keep moving along and you'll be fine. Don't worry about stuff you can't control.

Quote:

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Or, to the senior members, have you noticed this a pattern with a lot of people? Its almost like a pattern of voluntary self-destruction.

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That's why I recommend no contact, to keep you from letting your mind play tricks on you. It happens all the time, with everyone.

I agree with Tal, as when I first got onto this site in January I believe it was, he was the first person to tell me to basically stop acting like a B*tch and go NC(delete everything!) Which I did. I mean EVERYTHING, so that's what I'm going to tell you to do. Delete her Facebook, myspace, e-mail address and that stupid AIM screen name. You will do a lot better with knowing nothing than killing yourself over pointless messages. I always use songs I like as my away message, some are sad, some are happy but they rarely have a meaning.

I know what you mean by the happiness and sadness factor for the status updates. I would keep my ex as a friend on my myspace and would go to the "status updates" and would get happy if I saw "confused" but sad at when she said "happy"

For your own sanity, just delete everything you can for right now or the healing process will take a lot longer.

Back to write an update:

I'm trying not to be on this site a lot because it brings up memories which aren't always great. Actually, spent some time the other day reading one of my old posts about a fight we were having and it makes me feel a little better about not being with her. Maybe she wasn't "the one" like I always though (hell, how could I know she was my first).

I got another email from her the other day. Basically telling me she was "doing a little bitter but it still hurts" and hoping I was "doing the same". Odd for her to send me that, oh well. I spent last night at my friends college - big party weekend. It was fun, kept me busy.

I woke up this morning in a bit of a funk, mostly because I always liked to spend a nice day with her after spending a night with my friends. Got over it fairly quickly though... I guess I'm doing all right now. I think about her constantly still, but I guess that's expected...

One day at a time...

Morning all,

I'm starting to get the questions running through my head again. I don't know if I'm missing her or just missing having someone, but just to be able to give her a hug right now would be nice. Maybe its just because I just woke up.

I have to spend all day on my computer finishing a project for school, so I'm not very happy about that. I'm thinking of taking a break to go for a drive - it usually helps to level my head...

The other day I caught myself thinking about what was said the last time we talked. She had said that she wanted to "take some time apart" but she was definitely afraid of losing me and still wanted to be friends with me. The problem is, I don't know if we are still supposed to be talking in a few weeks or whatever or not. I don't want to break NC and ask about it, but I don't like not knowing what's happening either...

I was going to edit my last post but I decided this probably deserves a new post...

She must have been reading my mind because she sent me an email today. The basic gist of the email was that she has had some time to think, but still thinks this is the best for her right now. She was basically telling me that she doesn't want me to wait around for her anymore (I really haven't been as you can tell) and that she is very sorry for hurting me and how much she has hurt me for the last few years.

She mentions how she is doing this because she recognizes that she is controlling (she is right) and is trying to stop herself from being like that in the future. This is one of the lines from the email:

Quote:

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The more and more time I have to think of it (and I've had a lot of time) I can't believe myself for everything... I hope when you read this that you understand in some way. It is not that I don't care for you. I do. I just cannot be in a relationship.

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I'd love to believe that, and I honestly believe that she is being truthful with me. I don't think there is any funny business going on here. The next line shook me up a little bit:

Quote:

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I realize by doing this we are done for good. I know that your not going to want to be friends, or talk in the future.

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This isn't really true, but reading it hurt a little bit. I don't know if I should tell that it isn't true or just ignore it all together. I would love to talk to her and be friends in the future, but I know it will take a long time. Should I tell her this or just let it go for now?

She ended the email by telling me that she has some things of mine that she wants to drop off to me at some point. This really scares me because I feel like I have been doing pretty well and I don't know if I want to see her. At the same time, I don't want to tell her to drop them off on the porch - that seems like a slap in the face to her. I could tell her to keep them, but I doubt that she will... Any suggestions?

I need to reply to the email just so we can clear this up. I guess this is the closure that I said I was sort of looking for, knowing what's going to happen. I knew everything she told me in the email already, but for some reason hearing it like this hurt a little more than I expected.

I guess in the end they're just words...

--EDIT--

Her tone throughout the email was very apologetic. She seemed very scared that I was going to "hate" her and "never talk to her again". This really isn't the case and I feel bad that she is so upset over it. Would it be wise in my reply to tell her that I'm not so upset. I hate to put her under undue stress. I don't want there to be ill feelings on either side of this. After the last week I'm almost starting to feel like this is a mutual breakup...

--EDIT #2--

I'm not going to remove this because I think its good to read all of this for mine, and anyone else's, sake. I just wanted to add that I responded to the email. She responded back and everything seems to be okay. I think I handled it very maturely, she told me that she felt better to know that I didn't "hate" her and thanked me for being so understanding. It seems like I was able to handle it and I'm not feeling any different then I have been lately. I guess I got nervous and jumped the gun with my post...

I'll keep you guys updated.

Hey guys,

Its been a few days and I have been doing really well... Recently, after reading a few of the posts on here I have a question or two to get some input on...

It seems like I am doing much better then I should be. I know this sounds ridiculous but hear me out. We were together for 4 years and broke up only a week and a half ago. Granted we were arguing quite a bit at the end and had our fair share of fights towards the end, but shouldn't I be a little more upset about this. Instead, I have feelings of being excited to go out and be single for the first time in quite a while. I'm excited to meet new people and see what happens. It just doesn't seem right for so soon afterward.

One thing I should mention is that we broke up about a year ago for 6 months. These 6 months were a nightmare for me. I was emotionally crippled and did the whole not get out of bed, don't eat, don't sleep, don't study routine. So maybe it is possible that I was so hurt and upset by it when we did get back together 6 months later I kept myself detached and it made this time around easier.

I still miss her at times during the day, but I spend a decent amount of time excited to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want. I'm a free man... Maybe this was right for both of us??

Any ideas?

You'll have days when you'll feel absolutely fine, and then you'll have days when you wish you were dead. You'll have your ups and you'll have your downs. One thing to keep in mind is to not make the mistakes a lot of amateur investors make... they don't set a goal for themselves.

When they buy a stock, they'll see it go up, have an awesome day, and celebrate. The minute they see it go down, they get depressed and angry and let their emotions take the better of them. The best thing to do is to have a set goal (time period) and to come back after a certain time and analyze it then. No use checking ticker prices every 5 minutes and making life-altering decisions minute by minute.

I'm glad you're doing better, just keep focus.

What are you trying to do, jinx yourself? Be very glad your looking ahead, and leaving the misery, and pain, behind. That's a good thing, and enjoy it, because a storm will come up, and you'll have those good feelings to keep you optimistic.

Yo man find my topic I'm sure you can feel me on that

But that's pretty much how I see it now with my situation I see that she don't want to date others maybe if we become to seprate and realize where better off friends sort of what were doing now she's got school and college to worry about being with me is a burden because of my own personal issues and her everyday growing ones wanting ech other to fix it for ourselves but want advice on it lol but I now I can probably get her back if I just give it some time

If you don't care man that's good for you I hope that's not my case but if it is I hope me and her can stay friends with benefits till we find others jk

Odd,

Past two days or so have been a little tough on me. Last night I had my first dream about her, that I can remember, and it was a dream about her telling me that she wanted to get back together. I distinctly remember her trying to kiss me, and me backing away. She wanted to get back together with me, and I remember feeling a sense of "Oh no, what now?".

I guess that's a good sign :)

Haha.. bigbird, I know. The first 11 days of NC or so were easy. The past 2 days have been a little tougher but I'm no where near a sobbing mess or anything. Just starting to miss him a little more. I figure if I can get through the first 2 weeks, I can get through the next 2 weeks.

Yeah, 2 nights in a row with dreams of me and my ex together like we used to be. Just miss seeing his face. But whatever, I'll just look in the mirror. My face is better! Haha