There's definitely a difference between mistrusting someone right off the bat, and allowing them to earn your trust.

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Originally Posted by ChihuahuaMomma

There's definitely a difference between mistrusting someone right off the bat, and allowing them to earn your trust.

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Without a doubt!

Yet another update to my new relationship...

I found out that my boyfriend lied to me about his past. He told me he had cheated on his ex girlfriend only one time. A mutual friend of ours told me that my boyfriend had cheated on his ex multiple times. I confronted my boyfriend about it and he admitted that he did lie. I was already having problems trusting him, so this has made it so much worse. After I found out he lied to me, I was really ready to break up with him. Since we live far apart, he called me and we talked for 2 1/2 hours. He told me the reason he lied about it is because he's embarrassed and new I would be mad about him cheating. He didn't want what happened with his ex to affect our relationship. I'm not head over heels in love with him or anything... we've only been together 5 months. I really do like him though and can see a future in the relationship.

Do you think he'll just continue his cheating? I told him maybe if he had just cheated once and realized how much he regretted it I would feel better about it. The fact that he did it multiple times makes me feel like he doesn't even feel bad while he's cheating.

Maybe he didn't care very much about her? I know that's harsh but true also.. the way a man truly feels about someone can affect the decisions he will make (such as cheating) if you know where you stand in his life and heart give him a chance and trust him. Try not to bring someone's past into a relationship its one of the worst mistakes you can make. Leave it where it belongs and focus on the present between the two of you.

Just focus on you present. However, if he cheated on you even once, that's it. Who knows he's 100% smitten by you an don't think of cheating?

Now that you know the truth, he is a liar and a cheater, the decision to continue is yours.

Its up to him to prove he has changed, so don't be naïve.

Where you have been and what you have done is who you are...

I can only speak for myself but I could never trust someone who cheated. It says so much about who you are and what you think of yourself and others.

To me if someone cheats in a relationship they can't be trusted in other things either. To cheat, you must lie (if only to yourself), if you lie, you probably will betray your friends also. It goes on and on... one lie always requires another.

Now, with that being said, I have to say that anyone can turn themselves around and start again, and maturity does have a lot to do with it, but not in all cases...
Stringer

This is the reason we START OVER in new relationships, to give ourselves a chance to do better than we did last time. It's fair.

Once a cheater, always a cheater? No, not always true, but it probably is for the person who GOT cheated on. Does that make sense?

In dating, you two should be "testing each other out" for a period of 8-24 months and SEEING if you can develop a faithful, committed bond. It's not guaranteed, so you SEE.

So, the problem here is that you even found out. It has unnecessarily tainted your view of him. You should be judging (and judging firmly) his actions with you, not his actions with others in his past. Yes, I know his past may be indicative, but it's not an absolute. Let his actions with YOU be his proving ground.

So, instead of asking "once a cheater, always a cheater?"... instead ask, "Can I let our relationship stand on its own, or not? Am I able to forget potentially irrelevant but still negative info I got about his past?"

This is really a question about YOU, not him.

He is a liar and a cheat, decision is yours but his true colors are showing through

Rome, how so? It's completely understandable he would keep his past errors from her, he is not showing his true colors, things that could potentially be completely irrelevant have been introduced by a third party, not by him.

I'm no fan of cheaters, but this story so far reads like a total bum rap for a guy who may be fine now in this relationship and is about to get punished anyway.

So sad.

He lied about his past already to hide something. What is the harm of being upfront with someone when you first meet them? It would make me question their trust even more if I found out more stuff later in the relationship

I would have to say that he is responsible for his previous acts, and if he were about some real change, he would be truthful with a partner, and bear responsibility for it.

If he gets a bad shake, then so be it.

I'll respectfully disagree with you chaps I normally agree with. I find it unfortunate when a person commits sins he must later suppress knowledge of to get a fair shake, but that's reality.

No way I believe you guys think a guy who has cheated on an ex-girlfriend should divulge that to his current g/f. No way. Don't even try to convince me otherwise. This is the kind of information that REQUIRES most men to hide until long after a girl has had a chance to realize he's true to her. Then he can share more fully, and probably would, as you suggest he should.

I just don't think early offering stuff like this is conducive to a trust thing. I just don't. Most young girls aren't equipped to handle it well. Look what's happening here! I know you think it's about him "Lying" about it, but I think calling omissions of fact "lies" when he told the truth about what he'd done, just fudged the degree of it...

I know, I'm alone on this one. I'm just saying. This guy deserves a break unless he's done something TO THIS GIRL to warrant being punished all over for it. I would suggest sins of previous relationships and the honesty with which it is discussed be considered, but not weighted NEARLY as heavy as his clear to observe behaviors in THIS relationship.

So sue me.

There are a few factors we are overlooking, the most glaring one is finding out from an outside source about his past. That can make it appear he has lied, and in an already mistrusting person their worst fears have been confirmed and magnified.

You have a point though as this isn't something you tell a date, but when more develops, you must come clean, and take the risk for doing what you think is right.

At least she deserves this information to make a reasonable decision, about what actions and risks she is willing to take.

I agree... eventually. She described this as "a new relationship" so at this point I would've guessed it was too early to reveal things of this nature at all. It appears I was right.

I agree that you have a point. This shouldn't have been discussed this early in this "association."

But she also said; "I was already having problems trusting him, so this has made it so much worse" so apparently other things come into play here also. She was already doubting him for some reason/s.

The fact remains though that the "cat" is out of the bag in this particular situation. And as Tal said she is already a mistrusting person (Although I see her reasons). Remember he lied initially when asked and said 'once", when confronted he admitted to multiple times (?). Personally, I have a problem when a relationship is based on mistrust.

I stand by my first post on this one guys, shaky... trust is necessary for a solid foundation to build further.

Stringer

Thank you so much for all the responses. All my friends have been saying to break up with him because they don't believe he is capable of changing. All of these responses have made me feel so much better about staying with him though. You're right, I need to judge him for how he has treated me... and he has treated me really well so far. My trust issues stem from my two long term ex boyfriends who both ended up cheating and lying to me. I've told myself that I can't carry baggage from exes into this relationship though. My current boyfriend has really never given me a reason not to trust him except for lying about how many times he cheated on his ex. After your responses I can see why he really wouldn't want to tell me that kind of information at the very beginning of our relationship. Since then he's been really good about discussing that kind of stuff with me too. At least he doesn't just cut it off and say he never wants to talk about it.

Now the only thing I'm concerned about is when school starts up again. He's going to be going to school halfway across the country. I hope my feelings of doubt about trusting him don't come up again. I just need to keep thinking about what you've said though... I need to judge him but how he's treated ME not his exes... and he's treated me so well.

Thank you so much for putting this into perspective for me.

k...

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we've only been together 5 months

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That he is willing to talk is a good sign, as I think by 6 months of dating, your ready for an exclusive relationship, and you better use that time to really bond, and cement a commitment, as those long distance things bring out any weaknesses, and insecurities a partner has, as well as temptations. Not to scare you (but did, didn't I? ), but it gets harder, and more work is required, by you both. I urge you to communicate honestly.

Couldn't "rate" you again Tal, but good response, long distance is a damper...

Stringer