Ask Me Help Desk - So, My girlfriend said that she needs space, but we're not breaking up?

Quote:

Originally Posted by jshrckstar

True! I know how I feel, as I've said. It just sucks that I'm torn between caring about her, and putting my foot sown when it comes to my feelings. To make a long story shorter, we've been together for 3 months, and just recently we had been spending almost every free minute together. We would stay together practically every night etc. etc. In my mind it's kind of understandable that she would want some time to herself, and maybe even feel the need to mention it. My take on it has been that she feels as though she needed to mention it, otherwise things may seem a little out of the ordinary to me. It was never mentioned or asked by one person or the other if we would be hanging out the next day/Night. Its just the way it was, we both knew. I feel as though she let me know her reasoning for backing up a bit, so I wouldnt think the worst. What do ya think? I'm probably just talkin crazy!..:)

Well, knowing this, my answer has changed somewhat. Hanging out every day really isn't healthy because priorities and other things get put on the back burner. Instead of hanging out every day, try hanging out just three times a week. Maybe keep the sleepovers to once a week or something. That way the both of you feel like you aren't neglecting your lives. So I guess my advice would be to just go and hang out with your friends, don't call her all the time, spend time with your family, and find some hobbies.

Okay. You haven't broken up. But she wants space.

Give her space.

I would tell her, "Okay. I'll give you space. But because I'm not sure I know exactly what "space" is; I'll let you take the lead here. Take all the "space" and time you need and you can give me a call when you want me to fill some of your "space."

Oh wait. I just read the post above mine. So you guys are like high school? Well regardless...yeah...when you first meet someone it's easy to "overexpose" yourselves. But it wears off! It ALWAYS wears off! You guys just didn't know WHEN to taper off and take a deep breath.

Give the girl her space. I would want space too! Don't stress out over this. It isn't worth it. Both of you are learning about relationships. Be a good guy, give her space, always have a smile and kind words for her. Don't let her think you heartsick. Just be normal.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rockmelon

I did this once. I told my boyfriend the same thing. He said, "OK, no problem." My immediate reaction was, "OMG! What did I just do!" We've been together 27 years now.

Great story! You rock, Rockmelon.

mafiaangel180 I totally understand where you're coming from. I do have to point out that it was not me that initiated the hanging out all the time thing. It was always her who would call/text me, or want to come over and was always making plans for the both of us. I didn't really have a huge problem with it because I work from home, so It didn't get in my way too much. She would always say that I don't call/text her enough etc. I honestly believe that maybe she has realized that she was putting her life on hold doing all of this. If it were something I had realized in an instant, I would be a little freaked out too trying to run around and pick up the pieces of my life I had forgotten about. In a sense, it almost seems as though she has just taken a step back to the point you are speaking of i.e. hanging out a little less. Actually, it's extremely confusing because I just got a text from her asking if I wanted to go to the gym w/ her? I said "Yeah sure" she asked if I were positive. I'm really confused because she pulls away for a bit, then she wants to see me?

So yesterday, after my girlfriend said that she needed some space, invited me to go to the gym with her. I had been giving her space for a few days, keeping phone calls and what not to a minimum. Actually, I think I sent her one text wishing her goodnight. Anyway, We spoke a little bit before heading to the gym. She had said that she needed space to spend more time on herself, with her friends etc. Well, we came to the conclusion that she just wanted to slow things down a bit. She said that she felt we were moving a little too fast for her, and I agreed that things were going a little wuick for me as well. So, she said that she did want to be with me, but we just needed to take things a little slower. I let her know that I understood, and I respected her honesty. I guess what I am getting at is this: I am curious if she may have just been telling me this for now, to make me feel better? I know that a number of people in this thread have said that she may be letting me down easy. The thing is that when we are together, she doesn't act like she doesn't want to be with me i.e. she is affectionate, and tells me all the same things as before. As far as her actions, she seems to care for me the same as she did before this happened. I guess the only difference is that when we are not together, she seems to be in her own world, and does not keep up the same kind of contact as she did with me before. Is it possible that she is being completely honest, and she does just want to slow down? Maybe I'm just a bit frazzled from the whole incident?

If you're just in high school, that may change everything, but I still say that (going out on a limb here) the people in the thread who are saying she is letting you down easy and really wants to back off are men. That's my bet. If she says she wants to be friends - yes, that usually translates to "I don't really want to date you." But needing space: nope. My bet's still on that she's at that point where giddiness wears off and true feelings set in, and it makes her afraid of getting hurt. Still think she does want you to call to prove you care. Of course, high school is ify - you're all crazy (joke). If you were 30, I could give you better advice. But trust me, men hardly ever get what we're saying when we're not saying it! And PS: no really does mean no. You didn't get "no", did you?

Gosh, this is really confusing everyone, including me!. lol Let me set the story straight here, so that maybe I can get a clear perspective on things. My girlfriend is 24, and I am 26. We have both just finished school, and she is in the process of getting her massgae therapy license. I myself, run a business with a few partners of mine from my home. Anyway, it all started with her basically saying that she needed some space. I wasn't sure where this was all coming from and what not. So, I asked her why she needed the space, and she told me that she just needed a break, and some time to think. I said OK, and I asked her if maybe things were going a bit fast, and she agreed that we were going a bit fast. So, I agreed to give her space, and started to keep the contact to a minimum. A couple of days later, she asked if I wanted to hang out, and I said sure. We hung out, and it got a little too late so I said that she could sleep here if she'd like and so she did. Well, the next day she left, and we had a conversation the night before about how AT&T has some good deals on cell phones. So, the next day after she left I went online to check out the cell phones.

When I visited the AT&T site all of her account information was still there from when she paid her cell bill on my comp. I saw that there was a number I recognized, and it was on there numerous times, including text messages. I remebered that this was her ex bf's number. I didn't know what to think. So, I called her, and asked her if she was being completely honest about everything in the relationship with me. She said "No" I asked her what she was being dishonest about and she said that she had been talking to him, just to see how he was doing. I guess his dad had died about a year prior, and she cared about his well being. We had a long conversation and she still said that she needed time, and space to think. I asked her if she wanted to be with me, and she said that she did care about me a lot, and really wanted to be with me, but she needed space. I asked if she wanted to break up and she said no.

So, fast forward to yesterday. Like I said, I have been keeping the contact to minimum and giving her the space she needed by not talking to her all that much. I get a random text message from her saying that there is still left over food in my fridge and I could eat it if I want. Mind you, I hadn't talked to her for about a day. I thought it was odd that she would go out of her way to tell me about some food in my fridge. Anyway, we had a short text message conversation and I asked her if she just wanted me to give up? I felt that if she was taking a break to slowly break up with me, then that would give her an easy way to do it by saying yes. Well, she told me not to give up! She said that I should have a little faith, and that she really does care about me a lot. It's just confusing me, because I don't understand what is going on, and I'm not sure if I am doing the right thing. Should I just not contact her at all and wait for her to come to me when/if she's ready? Or should I still talk to her a bit to let her know that I care? Someone enlighten me, please!

You have been told many times to stop contact and leave her alone, until your not so confused. Until you do that all you will have are questions that NO ONE, can answer. I'm confused myself as you have TWO posts going asking the same questions, and same answers. What's up with that?? No CONTACT, and you stop being confused. The rest is your mind playing with your heart.

I know, I know I hear you! I have been doing no contact with the exception of her telling me about the leftovers in the fridge, and saying thank you. Honestly, that's all I've said is thank you. I'm going to be honest with everyone, and I hoe I don't sound too stupid. See, I was on here about 9-10 months ago talking about a break up. That break up was very hard, as it was a year and half + we lived together. I did the same thing I am doing now, and yes I did go back and read those posts as well to get some insight into what is going on now. I have realized that I have some sort of problem, and maybe other people feel the same way. When I am with someone exclusive, I do my best to make it a lasting relationship. When it fails, and for whatever reason that is, I become consumed with it.

In a situation such as the year and half relationship I know that takes a little more time to get over, obviously. However, this relationship has only been about 3 months, and I don't understand why I am hurting the same way, and why I am doing the same things. Honestly, I have let this consume me, and my life right now. I think about it all of the time, and I even feel sick most of the time. I don't know if it's the not knowing that is doing it, or maybe I have some sort of issue with getting over girls.

I know that this girl needs space, and I am giving it to her. The last time I said more than a couple of words to her was a few days ago when this first happened and I said " I am here if you need me, I just want you to know that I truly, truly care about you. I hope that carries some weight in all of this" She said that it did, and thanked me.

I know that there are plenty of girls out there, and I can have them if I want them. It's just so hard because once a relationship fails, I have to look at myself for weeks and look at life. I can't just take a deep breath and call it good. If I were pissed, or she did something horrible to me it would be easier because I could use that as my motivation to get over her.

I'm not sure if any of this is normal, or what it means. All I know is that it is not healthy for me, or my future with any girl. Whether it be her, or another.

I think you want an exclusive relationship so bad, you can't walk away when it fizzles out. Stay away from relationships, for a while and learn to be happy by yourself, by balancing your life with things you like to do. Its will be great for yourself esteem, and lead you on a journey of self discovery. I think volunteering would be of great benefit. Do you push to hard trying to make a relationship work? I think so, you need balance in your life.

I was in your possion once but not the same my girlfriend told me that she liked another guy and she wanted to take a break. I think you should give her space you'll just have to trust her to stay with you.

Forget what I just said after reading everything else I don't know I would know how you feel when it comes to should I stay with her. Well luckly for me I was able to talk her out of the break and were fine now but it's a coin toss either you what and suffer or you end it and suffer so pretty much there is no wining cause even if she does stay with you its going to take you some time to get over it.

If I say "i need space" but doesn't want to break up, it means that Im in a lot of pressure right now and I don't want someone breathing down my neck.

Give her a week or two or until she comes around. Also, let her know you're there if she needs you. That is, if you're willing to wait or stand in the sidelines for the time being.