Hey Mr.Blank,

It's a tough situation to be sure.

I, for one, think the best action would have been to continue your N/C like everyone advised. I say that because it seems like you are telling her what displeases you and your not excited about what direction she is heading towards. Also, if your not readyto get back together what's the point in all this? You seem to be opening wounds that you began healing.

I do understand why you did it, I did the same thing. I called after the relationship to clear the air and said some things I wanted to say, she did too and we got nowhere. What I'm saying is thatyou must look at the bigger picture. Do you want her back, HONESTLY want her back, not just cause your lonely. If that be the case than this could be your opportunity for that. If you plan on not taking her back (although this still is not your choice at this point) than you need not say it is too difficult but rather begin a new N/C and let this go.

5 months is along time for N/C and bringing herback will delay getting over her should things not result in getting back with her. Find out what you want and simplify, if you want her go! If not than enough talk, never mind whether it is childish or not to not pick up. I'll bet in 5 years you really won't be concerned with whether not picking up was childish.

Sometimes we put too much faith in what we want to get and ignore the benefits of what we don't get. There are benefits in not getting something my friend.

Although BMI and I are at different sides of the spectrum in advice, I do agree when he/she stated

"if you want her go! If not than enough talk"

Its up to you if you still want to pursue her or not. In any case, you can't expect people to stay the same, especially women. Think of it like multiple mid-life crisis. Idk, I can tell she misses you like crazy even though her change in lifestyle and stuff. You said she's still going to school? College right?

Well if its college... Lots of things happen especially to women. That's when they finally define themselves. I think she's dissapointed that she lost you as a friend, and didn't intend to hurt you. I know it sucks , but just think, if you were the best you could be to her, and did the best things you could do to her, you are sure to make the best impact on her. Once she realized she lost the best thing she had, you can either choose to accept her back or move on in good terms.

Men are like gardeners; Nurturing, protecting, guiding. Women are like flowers; vunerable, fickle, ever-changing. Even though you are two different entities, you must be patient and grow with each other if you plan to make that partnership.

Thanks for your posts guys you both make very good points on both ends of the scale.

BMI - I wanted to make sure she knows what she did was not appreciated. When we first broke up I sort of brushed her actions off because I still wanted to get back together with her, and figured if I caused problems at that point I may not get her back. In the 5 months since, I've come to the realization that I don't want her back, I just miss being with her and the things we did. I look forward to finding someone new and I know its just a matter of time. I think the reason why I wanted to get everything out in the open was because it doesn't matter if she got angry at what I said and doesn't want to talk to me for a while - it gives me a chance to get back to proper NC. I just didn't want to continue stewing on what I planned to tell her next time we ran into each other, and it wasn't helping me move on. I feel now that I've said everything I want to say, it's like "closure".

I think above all I just feel disappointed that I spent close to 2 years of my life with a girl who was beginning to set herself up with a bright future, who appears to have now forgotten about the goals she set herself. I'm a very success driven person and it annoys me to see people taking the easy option and not reaching their potential, which it seems she's doing judging by her recent actions.



Pbatoon - Nope she's not at school. When we were together she was getting really hyped about starting her diploma this year but now that she's not living at home I can't see how she plans to afford going to school. Hopefully I'm wrong and she goes to school, I would hate to see someone with such potential losing sight of her goals. She really did have a bright future, now I'm not so sure.

"accept her back or move on in good terms" - I don't think there is any going back now - I hope to be able to move on in peace and maybe one day we can become friends, but I think any time soon is too soon. I hope she does see me as the most positive influence on her and she might listen to what I said to her the other day.

Fair enough friend.

I understand why you did it. If what you say is how you feel than I wish you the best with it all and I truly hope you are looking toward the future.

IF however, I read on here that you back in the swing of things with her and doing the whole back and forth thing, then I'm going to have to call you on it my man:)

Its been a few months, and all the emotional dust has had a chance to settle, so whatever you do, facts not feelings, should be a major part of your decision. If you are still confused, or find that your feelings have changed, you already know to back off, and be honest, as you evaluate things at your own pace.

Well... why don't we throw a spanner in the works then shall we?

I went to lunch with my friends today and who was sitting in the café next to us... yep, that's right, my ex drinking some alcoholic drink with some guy.

So she waves, I wave, I finish my lunch and leave as I had stuff to do. She waves, I wave, I leave. She calls a few hours later, I take the call,.
She says "so i couldnt read your body language today so i didnt know if i should come and talk to you"... I said I was busy so it didn't matter. She then asks if after seeing her today do I take back any of the things I said on the phone.. I wasl ike umm no, like I said, you wouldn't have a social drink with me and my friends because you always "feel sick" and now you have no worries. Anyway she tells me the message was a bit rude, I brushed it off, the conversation goes on. She tells me the guy she was with works with her and he's gay, which doesn't surprise me as she used to hang around with a lot of gay guys before I knew her.

Anyway conversation goes on, she moved outa home because she was constantly fighting with her dad and thought it would be better to have space from him. She actually got in to her course at school next year so she's going... maybe I jumped to some conclusions the other day...

So anyway she tells me to give her a call when I'm ready and we'll go for coffee. I start work in a week and uni goes back next month, so I think I can hold out and occupy myself until I'm too busy to do anything...

I don't know how I feel right now... I think now that I've said what I needed to say I no longer care what happens - I can't work out if this means I no longer want her at all and wouldn't mind becoming friends, or is my mind lying to me and I wouldn't mind becoming friends with her to take her temperature and see if something is there.

Damnit, should just stuck to NC like you guys suggested :( But then again, I would still be thinking about what I was going to say to her when I finally ran in to her, which wasn't helping me move on...

When in doubt stick to NC, sometimes nothing is the best course of action. Healthy people, have a well thought out plan of action, that suits their interest, and when they don't, they take the time to get one, so there is no need to rush headlong into a rushed, decision, if your confused about how you feel. Take the time to find out about those feelings.

You said you said what you wanted to say and now you don't care anymore so isn't that your answer?

I think your mind can play with you in a situation like this. If you really don't care (though I suspect you do a bit) than being friends with her at this point would be a huge mistake for the most part. If you do care (and I think you do a bit:) than being friends with her at this point would be a gigantic mistake. Your mind is trolling around her and its easy to convince yourself you don't care in order for you to start the friendship, only to start stabbing you in the back when she's doing stuff you disagree with or seeing other guys.

Like Talaniman said, doing nothing is best when your unsure what to do. Let me ask though, how did you feel when you saw her with the other guy? (assuming you did not know he was gay and nothing was going on by the way the two of them, be honest)

I think you are both right. I re-read my previous post and your right BMI, I contradict myself numerous times. I do think my mind is playing tricks on me right now.

When I saw her with the other guy I just thought "well i've been dating others so i guess theres nothing wrong with her dating either". She can't stand to be alone, so it didn't surprise me seeing her with a guy. She's terrible, if left alone for even a few hours she starts to go insane. It's that bad. Had I known there was something going on between them, it may have been different though, but at the time I was really only thinking about her, how she had or hadn't changed, how I was going to get through lunch without looking over at her etc.

She is still on my mind all the time... I had trouble sleeping lastnight, so yes I can say I'm still not ready to be friends, I still have feelings for her after 5 months :(. I can't understand why I still do... it was so hard to be with her because of her constant drama (calling 5+ times a day just to check up, anxiety attacks when we were out in public, the inability of her to make friends with my old friends, her constant want to spend more time with me than I could possibly give her, her insane jealousy, my general loss of any freedom) and I still can't figure out why I miss her so bad. I guess because she was my first major girlfriend I haven't experienced a proper healthy relationship, so I guess I have nothing to contrast it with. I think I'm having so much trouble because I spent so much time with her, she was always calling me etc and all of a sudden, one day it stopped and I'm having trouble adjusting back. I now understand after reading about relationships that you could almost describe it as a "co-dependant" relationship, which is really unhealthy.

I guess I think as she becomes more independent then these things may change and she might be good quality, and I don't want to miss out on that... but I guess that's just hopes and dreams.

I know its not up to me though and I'm still keen to find someone new.

Back to NC I go :(

Good for you Mr.Blank.

Welcome to the crappy world of post break-ups. I really think that situations like these are some of the most painful one can go through and there is little one can do to make the feelings go away save give it time. 5 months does seem like a long time to still be thinking about something painful, hell I'm on month 8 and she still creeps in.

N/C is like saving money in a way, you want to go out and buy things but it would be wiser to save up for the future. The hard part is sticking to the plan regardless of what happens, but saying that things will get better in 6-8 months does not get one all excited about that prospect. It comes down to understanding the big picture and being emotionally and mentally strong enough to stick with it, hurt and all.

You seem like a really nice guy and I hope things start to get easier for you. Never hesitate to talk about it, many find it very helpful, even if it distracts you for 15 minutes:)

Thanks BMI!

Your right, talking to people has helped to put it all in perspective.
I had my first day at the new job and its going to be a lot of fun. That should help to keep me occupied. Hopefully there will be no need to ask for more advice but ill be back if there are further developments.

Thanks again all for your helpful advice!