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The problem with that is, tal, is that she asks me if it's OK that she calls. So if I say, YEAH, GO AHEAD, BUT I WON'T CALL... and she calls and I don't pick up, that's a huge d-bag move. I'm a nice guy, or at least I'd like to think I am. You know?
So what's the advice here? Tell her not to call? Or tell her that she can call, but I won't pick up?
You remind her that the breakup was her idea, and that, in order to avoid emotional confusion, you want to make it a clean break with no contact. That means she doesn't call you, and you don't call her. She doesn't seek you out for conversation, homework help, whatever. You won't seek her out either. Both of you: No contact.
Yeah, that's what I was going for when I said I was going to ask her for NC. I guess I didn't make that clear?
Regardless, I will update on the dinner tomorrow. It shouldn't be too awkward. Although we are broken up, we get along great superficially. Then I'll update again after the Saturday morning.
This is what I would recommend. Don't even go to dinner. Celebrate your friend's birthday the next night or send him a card. That would would totally screw up the healing process being near her for even that length of time. I'm sure your friend would understand. I would stick her stuff in a box on her doorstep so you don't even have to see her. After all, is it really necessary to see her just to get your stuff? Don't even answer your phone when she calls. What all this communication does is humors her... it gives her exactly what she wants. Don't do that. If she can't give you the relationship that YOU want, don't give her the safety net that she wants.Quote:
Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny
Sounds very cruel to me mafiaangel - it is not her fault she feels the way she feels, I doubt she set out to hurt him.
I'm not saying she did set out to hurt him. I'm not saying she's a bad person. Dang. But there are times when you have to put your own heart, your own feelings, and YOU first.Quote:
Originally Posted by wot2do
Got to look out for number one. ;)
I doubt she is trying to intentially hurt you at all, she will be nice to you as a friend, but to expext a dumped partner to change gears that way is not realistic, so you must be responsible for your own healing. Yes that comes before being nice, polite, and broken hearted.
I understand what you guys are saying, I do. However, I don't think this'll be a setback on my healing process. If anything it'll def be a small one. We have a small group of 4 friends, pretty much 2 couples (well, it was back in the day). The other couple broke up, but they remained very good friends and found other people. We remained a couple until this past weekend. But we still hang out all four of us. So I feel that I can't just back out, mainly because my friend is leaving town due to a job. So I won't see her after tonight.
I will be all right. I doubt she's playing games with me in any way shape or form. I feel that she actually cares and is constantly trying to mend things between us, but I am just maintaining my distance.
I'll update after dinner.
Have a good time then.
Just got back from dinner.
We usually just drive in 1 car, but fortunately, I had an errand to run so I met up with them at the restaurant. Dinner was fine, kept it very shallow talk, the entire group just joked around and talked like nothing ever changed. I talked to my ex VERY little. She asked me how my life is, and I just told her it was fine. I wasn't cold or rude, but I wasn't super sweet either.
We went home in separate cars, and I just talked to my friend (who's leaving). Found out that my ex has an irregular heartbeat... had to go to the hospital again... now has a heart monitor. I just simply asked my friend to keep an eye on her, take care of her, but that there's nothing I can do on my end, but to keep me posted. To be honest, right now, the dinner... her being sick... wasn't anywhere near a setback. I have now separated myself from being the ex, and just being someone who heard that she is sick. So I felt fine all throughout dinner, and I feel fine now.
As I said, we're meeting up Saturday just to give each other our stuff back. I'll update then.
Heading out to the lib.
Update:
So, what I'm about to say JUST happened. I did not force any of the following... coincidentally all fell into place.
The news of our breakup spread like wildfire among our friends and through a quarter of the campus. Few guys, interested in my ex, were happy, but were threatened by my friends (I didn't know about this until now). Few girls who were interested in me, began to call.
So far, I have tonight's dinner and movie planned with (we'll call her SUE). I am meeting my ex tomorrow in the morning to give her back her stuff. I have tomorrow afternoon coffee with DANIELLE, and dinner with JULIE. What's going on? No clue. Is myself esteem straight up in the clouds? Absolutely. Am I taking it slow? Very cautiously. Is it too quick to do this? In my opinion, yes. Too soon to date... but not too soon to just hang out with a few people. We'll see where all this goes.
I told my friends NOT to threaten other guys anymore... but now that it's done, I think most of them are just plain scared. Regardless, I'm walking away.
Side note: tonight, after dinner with SUE, I planned on studying with a mutual friend of me and the ex. Apparently, she is not in her best health condition either, and my ex called me to talk to me about the friend's condition. That's all.
Will update tomorrow morning about the meeting. Will keep updating about the others.
I'd stick to no contact at all. Nothing, nada, period. Even on Christmas or New Year's. She needs a break so give it to her. Don't allow yourself to be made to feel guilty about it. Take some time to think and reflect. You may come to find that this relationship really isn't right for you after all.
Glad your going to take it slow, Casonova. Your healing is the main thing. But as you say being out among people (pretty people), is a way to just have fun and show you there is life after a break up HEHEHEHE! Have fun , but stay focused.
Update.
Somewhat of a setback.
Two things:
1. please don't judge me. However, something happened last night that I'm feeling... a bit... unsure of. Dinner and movie with SUE went extremely well. Great conversation, we clicked well together, etc. we get back to my apt (she parked at my place and we went in my car)... and she gets to her car, and her tire's flat. At this point, it's 3am. She lives a good 45 minutes away. So I tell her, why don't you spend the night here, and tomorrow, I'll fix your tire in the morning and you can leave. I swear I had NO intentions of anything happening. I was going to offer her my bed and I could sleep on the couch in the living room. I walk into my apt, and there's a party hosted by my roomie. There're people in the living room. So, we end up in my room. By this time, it's near 4am... I have to meet my ex at 10am... SUE has to be at work by 9am. So we try to just go to sleep. I offer her under the covers while I sleep on top of the covers... you may call me a pansy or a wuss, but I didn't feel like getting into it. SUE and chat in bed for a while and we end up cuddling... one thing leads to another... yep. Damn.
In the morning, we end up having "the talk"... she asks what we are. She knows about my situation... so I tell her that there's no way I can be in a relationship at this moment. She says she didn't expect us to be in a relationship... just wanted to know where we are. I told her that I found her attractive, that we click well, and that I'd like to continue to spend time with her, and I meant it. She took it extremely well. She went to work, I went to breakfast.
As of right now, I genuinely had a great time with SUE. But I'm not sure if my feelings are from loneliness or because I genuinely like her. So I told her exactly that. She understood, and said that she appreciated that I told her the truth. We'll still talk/hang out.
2. breakfast with my ex began when she got in my car (she doesn't have a car). I pick her up, and I notice that she's wearing her heart monitor. This may sound like a sob story, but you got to place yourself in my shoes. Here's a girl that you've dated for roughly 3 years. I've seen her literally EVERY DAY she was here at school and at least spoke on the phone when she wasn't at school. She lost at least 5 lbs in the past week, looks weak, and is sick. Now, if she had cheated on me, I wouldn't have given a damn (yeah, I'm a bastard)... but she didn't. We broke up nicely, so I couldn't help but feel worried. We go to breakfast, we keep light conversation, etc. halfway through breakfast, she lists off symptoms. I'm a pre-med student and have kept up with medical things relatively well enough to know that she's showing symptoms of pregnancy. Now, I use protection every time, but even then, there's always a chance. She says that it was the first thought she had... and that she took a test; it turned out negative. She says she'll retake another one in 2 weeks. That's a doozie.
Also halfway through breakfast, she begins to feel sick, so she goes to my car and lays in my car while I box everything up and pay the check. I drop her back off, and I help her get her stuff into her room, and she wanted to talk to me. Our conversation... in a nutshell... was this:
- she still has the same feelings for me before we broke up
- she says that I did NOTHING wrong
- she's not sure about anything
- she knows she wants to be with me, but not sure if she wants a relationship right now
- she wants a break, but knows it's unfair for her to make me wait, so that's why we broke up
- she will let me know when she figures out what she's feeling
- she says that she'll understand if I find someone else
I believe everything she says. She had no reason to lie to me, and she's the type to be absolutely honest about everything. She's never lied to me, even when she knew it would hurt my feelings. We say our goodbyes, she says that she'll try not to contact me, but when she figures out what she's feeling, then she will to let me know. I tell her that I'm OK with that... and I leave.
Setback. I am now at work. Everyone here may tell me that I was an idiot for going to breakfast. But I felt that I had to. At least to say goodbye to her, to give her her stuff back, to get my stuff back, and to get a clearer explanation. I feel better knowing. It's almost like a kid wanting to touch the stove. It's a lesson learned, but it's a lesson learned the hard way. I'm OK with it.
Today was the last time I saw her. I won't see her again until mid jan when she comes back... if I see her at all. It's me time. I got a gymming partner (gunther... really, his name is gunther, and he's puny. I love it) I got a running partner (my dog). I picked up a new hobby (I'm RE-learning how to play the piano) and I'm also learning ASL (american sign language). I've re-established my contact with most of my old friends, and I am staying busy. I hope everyone's doing well. I'll update within the next week after finals to see how things are going. This week's going to blow... hard.
Btw, I love your writing--all your adventures and comments about them. I especially loved the comment about Gunther lol. I feel like collecting your posts and submitting them for publication to Cosmo or a young adult magazine. Actually, the more I think about it, the more likely it sounds, but I would need your permission first, of course
If your ex is pregnant, whose baby is it?
Well, as of right now, there's a VERY small chance that she's pregnant. VERY VERY VERY small. But it would be mine. 100%. I have no doubts in my mind. As I said before, she is very honest with me to the point that she tells me if a guy hits on her. Once, one of her good guy friends flat out told her that he liked her and that he would be better for her than I would be, and she told me this, and then apologized to me for any chance of her leading him on; she didn't lead him on, and she didn't even flirt with him, but she apologized to me that she wasn't able to pick it up more quick. So yeah.
oh yeah, update:
so I call up my friend (the friend that is moving for work... we had the dinner for her). She is VERY rational, logical, and is strictly unbiased. She's the one I turn to for advice. This is our "game plan". She said there are two things that can happen:
1. my ex comes back in jan and tells me that she wants to get back together. At this point, I will gauge my feelings for her, and also bring up some things that may need some changing if we get back together. I will also bring up our future, and see if anything's there. Dating without a future is like memorizing as many digits of PI as you can. Why do it? There's no point, and plus, it doesn't help you at all. If there is a future, if her reasons for the breakup are legit (and by legit, it doesn't mean that I have to like it, it just has to make reasonable sense in my head... it can't be something like YEAH, I JUST WANTED TO SEE WHAT IT'D FEEL LIKE TO BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE... ), and if I feel that she genuinely wants to get back, and I still have feelings for her, why not?
2. my ex comes back, she doesn't want to get back. She realizes that she just needs to be alone/independent. I'm OK with that. We both move on.
all this time, I will still hang out with my friends, and do my own thing. I'm not looking to date right now, it's too soon... and last night was too soon.
And what about Sue? Will both of you be OK?
I'm serious about submitting it somewhere. It could be a diary/journal type thing. Now, don't freeze up on me and change your writing style...
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