Ask Me Help Desk - Confused/What is her deal?

Okay, I can see that you are now not online anymore. So, I will elaborate some on winning without intimidation. This would be a lot easier to do if I was communicating directly with you.

The following is what I already stated in another post on this page.

Quote:

What I am going to recommend as starting what to say, is something like this "Hi, (name) I have a challenge (or problem) and you're the one who can help me to solve it. Would you help me? When she says "Yes." then you go from there.

"Going from there." means addressing what the issue is without putting any blame, guilt or whatever on the other person. Letting her think that you are the one who is having the problem that needs to be solved makes her think that she cool because she can be a part in the solution to you solving your problem. You use words like we, together, work on, solve, discuss, I see where you are coming from, etc. a lot. When you do get in hang-ups in the discussion, then you use words like "probably so" or, "I'll have to think about that" rather than being confrontational.

The whole idea behind it is to work together positively for solutions to the issues where each party can end up being a winner and also feeling good about the outcome.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clough

Okay, I can see that you are now not online anymore. So, I will elaborate some on winning without intimidation. This would be a lot easier to do if I was communicating directly with you.

The following is what I already stated in another post on this page.

"Going from there." means addressing what the issue is without putting any blame, guilt or whatever on the other person. Letting her think that you are the one who is having the problem that needs to be solved makes her think that she cool because she can be a part in the solution to you solving your problem. You use words like we, together, work on, solve, discuss, I see where you are coming from, etc. a lot. When you do get in hang-ups in the discussion, then you use words like "probably so" or, "I'll have to think about that" rather than being confrontational.

The whole idea behind it is to work together positively for solutions to the issues where each party can end up being a winner and also feeling good about the outcome.

Yea, laid down for a few moments then ended up falling asleep. Sorry about that.

Don't really understand it. Hi (name) I have a problem about a girl I like. Don't know what do with it.. Can you help me?

Really do not understand hah.

I'd let it go. She seems to be playing games for whatever reason. Your time is valuable so she needs to learn to respect that. But she won't if you continue to build your life around her. I'd forget about her for a while and go on dating and living the single life like you've been doing. She may eventually come around. I can't make any guarantees but it'll definitely increase your chances. If she confronts her as to why you haven't been contacting her then you can be brutally honest with her and simply tell her that you cannot constantly make plans with her or anyone else only to have them cancelled at the last minute and that you will not date someone who operates like that. It's not fair to you to constantly make plans with her at the expense of your other friends and then have her back out. Let her know that you're not going to jeopardize your other friendships on account of her undependability.

I reread your question tonight and frankly don't see that she's playing games. It just sounds like most of your plans have either been pretty tentative or really last minute and she just hasn't been as available to you as you'd like.

I suggest that you invite her to go out for a specific night one or two weeks ahead of time with a specific agenda (not to just hang out). Ask her "XX, will you go to ..." a movie or a concert or to dinner "with me on Thursday the 12 of December? If she says yes, buy the tickets or make the reservations, then tell her it's set, and tell her how much you are looking forward to it. Then don't try to change anything to accommodate your own schedule changes. Stick to your offer. If she tries to change things, be gracious and reschedule if you can. That's much more polite and inviting. If she can't make it on the night you picked, don't be offended, just pick another night until you find one you both can do for sure. I suspect she'll be happy to go with you and SHE'LL BE THERE :-)

It's a good sign that she has a life, not bad! When I read your posts, I see a lot of vagueness and possibly the expectation that she'll cancel her other plans to be with you even when you put tight constraints on when you are available. She shouldn't have to do stand up her friends in order to see you. Also, it would be great if you wrote in complete sentences and wrote more clearly generally. It would be easier to understand what you are saying. I feel sure that if you follow my advice, your miscommunications about dates will go away. I don't think she's playing games with you. Good luck!
Asking

The following that I already have posted is meant for something like what you might say to her, not to someone else in seeking out how to solve the problem with her.

Quote:

What I am going to recommend as starting what to say, is something like this "Hi, (name) I have a challenge (or problem) and you're the one who can help me to solve it. Would you help me? When she says "Yes." then you go from there.

I do hope that we are both online sometime soon so that we can dialogue and that I can further explain what I mean. I will probably be online shortly after 9:00 P.M. your time, tonight.

Talked to her about it.

She is afraid of allowing herself to commit because of prior boyfriends, and how well I treat her.

Haven't been able to respond back was in the hospital for two days with a serious viral infection and manigidous (sp)?

Yes. It's early for either of you to commit anyway.
Hope you feel better soon! Rest and don't worry...

I think you are unrealistic in your expectations of how she should be acting toward you at this stage of the friendship. She has a life she enjoys, and to think that she will drop it all for someone she barely knows is not helping. Ease up on her, and yourself, and be cautious how much time, and emotion you are investing into this female. As you say, she and you are not exclusive so enjoy when you can, and live your life when you can't be with her. Sometimes we look to deep to soon.