Ask Me Help Desk - Why does she want to know how I'm doing?

Quote:

Originally Posted by needofhelp

I know that it's her decision, IF she chooses to come back. Even if that were to happen, I wouldn't jump right into it. I wasn't thinking that I could force her to come back, I wouldnt want to. I can't be her friend, by that definition.

Part of me wonders what the effects would be if I was not her friend. Would it push her away?

Like you said, its her decision. Now being friends or not, this is your decision. If you feel OK with that, I say go for it, and maybe the future will bring you closer again, or part your ways even more. But I say, even if she says being friends, act not as a friend, but friendly. It's a big difference, as she will not have you all. She will miss you attention, and everything. One side of the coin is that this way you tell her you are independent from her, and you are not a dog who does what the others ask him to do. The other side of the coin is that this way you won't risk losing her completely as a girlfriend by being her friend. If you go to friends state, you both will be comfort with that status, and she will look somewhere else for her boyfriend, because again, you are not a challenge to her. Right now, you have to worry about your situation, stop worring about her. She made her decision, and didn't asked you if she is pushing you away or how you are feeling. She never worried if she is going to lose you. So why do you want to be with someone who can lose you without any remorse? Anyway, for now she wants to have the pleasure of your company. Common, they do it every time. If you go away from her and push her, or act cold and firm to her, for sure it will make her see you as a challenge. She already knows your best part, and appreciates you and your company, and she admits all these from her will to be a friend with you. Being friend for her, means she at least won't lose your company, and for her that company is intersting. Why do you want to give her the satisfaction of your company? If you resist to her, you are not telling her your back, but instead you make her want you and your company even more. She is scared of losing you completely. If you push someone, they want more from you. If it will work like this (as I think it will), your good. Otherwise, you will have a clear mind, that she was gone, before she even came to you.

Well, if you were partners (boyf/gf) and you broke up and you don't want to be friends, what's left? She is trying to communicate with you and you don't want to (or cant) respond, her trying to communicate with you will eventually cease, she will think that you don't want to know and move on with her life... so yes I believe it would push her away! Now what I said about being friends and what that entails, I would have to say that I'm sure she would be more sensitive then to talk to you about her love life to you so soon after the break up (she probably has female friends she would discuss this with).
If you can't be friends with her, then at least try to be friendly... then you can move forward from there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kiki_doki

Well, if you were partners (boyf/gf) and you broke up and you dont want to be friends, whats left? She is trying to communicate with you and you dont want to (or cant) respond, her trying to communicate with you will eventually cease, she will think that you dont want to know and move on with her life...so yes I believe it would push her away! Now what I said about being friends and what that entails, I would have to say that I'm sure she would be more sensitive then to talk to you about her love life to you so soon after the break up (she probably has female friends she would discuss this with).
If you can't be friends with her, then at least try to be friendly.......then you can move forward from there.

OK, I can view your point of view, and as you say, stopping or unwilling to communicate, will cease her will to communicate to him too. Let suppose for a moment her mind is working toward him, as a bf/gf. He is in fact interested too, and he is acting like he isn't. Also, if he goes to accept the friendship without any condition, he still doesn't show any sign of interes, but as a friend. What if he plays his part of the game, by being a little hard to get, and resist to her? Give in a little, but not that much. In a way that he lets her think he is still interested, but that he is tired of her in somehow? And not act like a good friend. Remember, he will be her friend, and than that's all. I don't think things will change after that. I think its not the case to begin something new, this way. By the way, he was for her there, as they were in the relation. That way it didn't worked, right ? Now what remains to do? Act more cold and detached to her. In the end, he is not going to lose the lose. But also, will not be a shoulder to cry for her.

Now lets suppose the opposite thing of what she is thinking, so, not the bf/gf, but being friends. "her trying to communicate with you will eventually cease, she will think that you dont want to know and move on with her life...". What makes you think she hasn't moved on yet? Her hurts, and every anger she had, if she had, now are forgotten, she feels more free now she isn't in the relation anymore and she may think also your hurt and vulnerability toward her has gone too, and she tries to come in contact. There is a theory of those who were the dumper in a relation. They usually, when they want out, but not lose you as a friend, act this way. They break, disappear, let you heal your wounds for some months, and than out of a sudden they appear in your life, but now with the "friends" face. Love can't be besmirched with friendship, its just not Fair!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Matteus

They break, dissapear, let you heal your wounds for some months, and than out of a sudden they appear in your life, but now with the "friends" face. Love can't be besmirched with friendship, its just not Fair!

I love this last bit it was the best sentence I have heard for a very long time!! I would also, however ask you what you think he should do in regard to his previous question? It seems that you are very pro becoming friends with ex partners, yet you seem to suggest him 'playing' the unintrested game, or hard to get. Do you really think that anything is ever achieved by playing games? This NC thing for example, who thought of that phrase and then promoted it. It sounds really silly to me and everyone is using it.Communication is the key to moving forward with ones life, closure can only be got after talking things through otherwise a lot of anger remains. Im sure that if a relationship ends on one persons say so instead of as a joint agreement there will be anger and resentment but if things are discussed then people can attempt to be amicable without this NC business.In all of my relationships I like to be straight and keep things real, if someone upsets me I don't hold it in my heart I let them know so that they can fix it... then we move on... I think this is the best strategy for life!

If you don't want her back, what difference does it make what she means?
She said she wanted a break and she started dating others, that is what one does when they take a break from their current beau. She may be feeling bad about and wondering how you are. You either answer "I'm fine" or don't answer at all

IMO NC works when you've had your talk and the person no longer wishes to contact you, or they have asked that you not contact them. It woks if it is just too painful or you to talk to them, but this business of NC for the purpose of making a person feel bad because they don't want you anymore, or thinking you're making them miss you is childish. It's like a child holding it's breath because he's mad. It hurts no one but him and makes no point.
If a person does not want you, you cannot make them. If they tell you to leave them alone and you do, you're doing what they ask you to do. If they want you back, they will let you know.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kiki_doki

I love this last bit it was the best sentance I have heard for a very long time!!!!! I would also, however ask you what you think he should do in regard to his previous question? It seems that you are very pro becoming friends with ex partners, yet you seem to suggest him 'playing' the unintrested game, or hard to get. Do you really think that anything is ever achieved by playing games? This NC thing for example, who thought of that phrase and then promoted it. It sounds really silly to me and everyone is using it.Communication is the key to moving forward with ones life, closure can only be got after talking things through otherwise alot of anger remains. Im sure that if a relationship ends on one persons say so instead of as a joint agreement there will be anger and resentment but if things are discussed then people can attemp to be amicable without this NC business.In all of my relationships I like to be straight and keep things real, if someone upsets me I dont hold it in my heart i let them know so that they can fix it....then we move on...i think this is the best strategy for life!

Im not at all pro becoming friends with ex partners! As I said, love can't be besmirched with the "friends" status. If you are going to be a friend of her, what remains in there? You are there for her every moment like before, but with the only difference that you are not in a relation with her anymore. And that's what moslty hurts, because this is what you want, another chance with her (see below about the "getting another chance"). But I said to be friendly. Friendly, and not so attached like before, and in the same time, working on your problems and behaviour!

Now lets talk a little about the dumper and the dumpee. You all heard before, when someone dumped you, that they say something about your behaviour in the past. The ex said you, when you two broke up, that you have this and that issue with your behaviour. Someone here says that, they say that because of their guilty for leaving you. If they are going to leave, why the hell are they going to feel guilty? What if what they say, may be true?

Lets have an example here:
They left you (Mostly for someone else, because they find something in the other person what makes them see you in a different point of view and go away, but that's for sure is not sex), because you have some issues with your behaviour, and mostly its because you are a co-dependent, insecure, jealous, hard to deal with, missunderstander, not there enough for her or too avaiable for her, too wussy, etc.

Now, we can see this example in two different points of view. First: They may be right for leaving you (they don't do it with their mind but with their emotions) and you, by going to the NC thing after they dumped us, its not going to help, because they will be more sure they took the right path, away from you. That's because they will see the NC as a way of you to revenge on their actions. That means, you hate the dumper because he/she left you and not why he/she did it. Its like you never really understood the dumper and the way he/she feels about you.

Second: They maybe the cheater who cheats without any remorse, and says all the things about your behaviour as they don't have nerves to argue with you, so they give you some false reasons they left. One day they come in contact with you, to have you as a backup plan.

Now here is why we should be careful about missunderstandings. Now, why you should have little risk in making this decision: friends, friendly, or NC. On one side, if you are going to be friends, maybe you are showing yourself like a fool to her, and be a back-up plan for her too. And you are going to lose your dignity too. On the other side, what they say to you aobut your behaviour, may be true, and you will never know, and by going to the NC, you may show to them that you really can't understand the way they feel about you. And they will think their decision was worth. Instead the alternative in this case is by being friendly. You will have the chance to not be a fool, the chance of not missunderstanding their viewpoint, and also the chance to work on yourself and your behaviour, your self-esteem, your insecurities, your dependency, etc, and let the door open for her, if she feels like you have really changed and are a better person and partner. But being friendly, means have less contact, and let her be the "leader" in the contact, so let her contact you more than you do, and also being not so avaiable to her and her need for your company. You have to show her that you are being independent, you are working on yourself, and also you have your own life to live. The ex usually goes away from us, because they feel we are finding our life in their life, and we just can't live without them around, etc. I was in both sides of the coin, being the dumper, and the dumpee. As a dumper, I left her, because she always wanted me there for her, I had no space on my own, etc. And that was boring. As a dumpee, I wanted my ex all the time near me, I didn't gave her space, I was dependent, didn't enjoyed my live that much, without her around, etc. Now, you can see my point of view, and why I am different in my opinions about the breakup. I hope I really helped with this post, and I didn't made you confused about the NC thing! But who was in the NC, and lost the contact with their ex, when they said you to be friends, just lost his chance for what he called worth! It seems like the NC is the best way, but is the best way to give up on someone who may be worth, without a fight. You just took a phrase from someone, whoever the hell he was, and adapted it to your situation. Every situation is unique!

Topic "getting another chance": Mostly the persons who are the dumper, finds something in their partner, which doesn't fit to them. As we are all different people, is so common that some people just think we, as dumpee, can and should read their minds and the way they feel about us, without the need of a serious conversation. They also may try to tell us we have a problem, but sometimes, our mind is too busy to understand and every word they say, may sound weird. Then, they breakup with us, and after the breakup, you may hear from them, their opinion about us. That's OK, but also not OK. But that's the beauty why we are different. Anyway, we can't change their behaviour and the way they should react in the relation, I mean having more communication, etc. Now, after they dump us, all we want, is them back. And we force it, even to the point of stalking and manipulation (even NC is manipulation sometimes). But we forget something real. They dumped us because something was wrong with us! We don't care about that that much, instead we want them back. They become more distant, because they just understand you don't want them back, but is your pride who wants them back. We don't show them any sign of us willing to change, but willing to have them back. That means, we didn't took so seriously why they left us and their opinion about us. That's why they want to be friends, and than suddenly disappear, after you wanted to be friends too, but with the idea of winning them back. You are forcing them again, to come with you. Even as a friend, you become manipulative, dependent, not willing to change, your pride wants them back, and you show it to them, etc. That's why I say, being friendly, work on yourself, show them you are willing to change, focus on yourself, on your dependency, insecurities, jealousy, etc, works on your advantage this time. That change will show them you are worth and a better person than before.

Quote:

Originally Posted by needofhelp

My ex broke up with me over a month ago. I'm doing nc and recently she has asked me how I am doing. I didnt answer, and she asked again, in email.

Why is she asking?

1) She likes you -as a friend
2) she's human... who wants to just cut someone off for life?
3) if she could, she would like to have her cake and eat it too
4) the problem is that you are not cake - you are a guy
5) if you want to be friends it can be in 8-12 months - if you want
6) how do you respond? None is required. It is not being mean to work on the healing. She knows where to contact you should she need to with more info... Relax. Your work is done.
7) Something better always comes when we have the guts to be ready

Hapy t-giving!

Matteus, you're a deep guy... your posts are cleary, well executed... but very very long and complex (I'm guessing not unlike you). I have read (and digested) the first paragraph but am beyond comprehending the rest today... I will need to drink a few cans of red bull 2moro and come back to finish it!
Peace out (",)

Quote:

Originally Posted by kiki_doki

Matteus, your a deep guy.....your posts are cleary, well executed....but very very long and complex (i'm guessing not unlike you). I have read (and digested) the first paragraph but am beyond comprehending the rest today......I will need to drink a few cans of red bull 2moro and come back to finish it!!
Peace out (",)

That was funny bro :) well, I tried to keep it short in my first post, but than, you asked me again, and I thought you didn't understand me, so I wrote it more clearly, but also more complex, and with grammar problems :)

Sorry matteus, I'm a female. (so I guess it would be sis)... You are very articulate, no grammar problems at all! (",)

Quote:

Originally Posted by kiki_doki

Sorry matteus, I'm a female. (so I guess it would be sis)....You are very articulate, no grammar problems at all!! (",)

You are sorried :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Matteus

like you said, its her decision. now being friends or not, this is your decision. if you feel ok with that, i say go for it, and maybe the future will bring you closer again, or part your ways even more. but i say, even if she says being friends, act not as a friend, but friendly. its a big difference, as she will not have you all. she will miss you attention, and everything. one side of the coin is that this way you tell her you are independent from her, and you are not a dog who does what the others ask him to do. the other side of the coin is that this way you wont risk loosing her completely as a girlfriend by being her friend. if you go to friends state, you both will be comfort with that status, and she will look somewhere else for her boyfriend, because again, you are not a challenge to her. Right now, you have to worry about your situation, stop worring about her. She made her decision, and didnt asked you if she is pushing you away or how you are feeling. she never worried if she is going to lose you. so why do you want to be with someone who can lose you without any remorse? Anyway, for now she wants to have the pleasure of your company. common, they do it everytime. if you go away from her and push her, or act cold and firm to her, for sure it will make her see you as a challenge. she already knows your best part, and appreciates you and your company, and she admits all these from her will to be a friend with you. being friend for her, means she at least wont lose your company, and for her that company is intersting. Why do you want to give her the satisfaction of your company? if you resist to her, you are not telling her your back, but instead you make her want you and your company even more. she is scared of losing you completely. if you push someone, they want more from you. if it will work like this (as i think it will), your good. otherwise, you will have a clear mind, that she was gone, before she even came to you.

I'm not sure how to be partly there, not as a friend, and be cordial. It's so damn hard to talk to someone that you two had so much feelings for, but having the situation change. She have her cake and eat it too. It's all or nothing, but need some advice on how to be around her when we do talk. Where it wouldn't push her away, and doesn't say Im a doormat.

The question that Im findind hard to answer is How are you? I could give the blank answer of "Fine", but have a feeling to ask how she thinks I am? I've asked her before how she is, and she says she tries not to think about it. It makes me think that she cares but she's running away from it, her actions show other wise. I don't know why she would think Im doing OK. My feelings haven't changed since the beginning of the break up and we voiced our feelings. I'm feeling as if I'm moving backwards in the process, and think of her even more. This is the most horrible experience I have had to deal with.

My ex did the same things to me after I was be "cruel" to him! But I never reply to him,treat him like a stranger even can't talk with! Cause I really want to forget him! But if you still love each other,and think you could be together again,then take action,show her your friendliness!

Quote:

Originally Posted by needofhelp

The question that Im findind hard to answer is How are you? I could give the blank answer of "Fine", but have a feeling to ask how she thinks I am? I've asked her before how she is, and she says she tries not to think about it. It makes me think that she cares but she's running away from it, her actions show other wise. I don't know why she would think Im doing ok. My feelings havent changed since the beginning of the break up and we voiced our feelings. I'm feeling as if I'm moving backwards in the process, and think of her even more. This is the most horrible experience I have had to deal with.

How do you treat a person in a friendly way? Not too much pushing, but still not too much pulling? I ask you, How are you? Usually, you tell me you are fine, and you ask me too how I have been. On the other side, we don't want people to take care about our feelings our our "being down" and make the situation look desperate or negative. So, stop making her guilty the way you feel or how down you are. Just act normally. Take care of your own feelings and the need of her presence around you. Even try to stop thinking about the old relation, but act like you are knowing someone new, so act happy, confident, with self-esteem, etc!

Quote:

Originally Posted by needofhelp

I'm not sure how to be partly there, not as a friend, and be cordial. It's so damn hard to talk to someone that you two had so much feelings for, but having the situation change. She have her cake and eat it too. It's all or nothing, but need some advice on how to be around her when we do talk. Where it wouldn't push her away, and doesn't say Im a doormat.

The question that Im findind hard to answer is How are you? I could give the blank answer of "Fine", but have a feeling to ask how she thinks I am? I've asked her before how she is, and she says she tries not to think about it. It makes me think that she cares but she's running away from it, her actions show other wise. I don't know why she would think Im doing ok. My feelings havent changed since the beginning of the break up and we voiced our feelings. I'm feeling as if I'm moving backwards in the process, and think of her even more. This is the most horrible experience I have had to deal with.

Maybe you are not ready to be a friend, but surely friendly? Its like a colleugue at work whom you say hello to everyday and share chit chat but have never had a deep conversation with, this is how you have to go on with her... keep things on a level without going too deep! This way you are neither a doormat or a stalker! With regards of her having her cake and eating it, well no, you want to do this in order to keep the door open to the possibility of her becoming you g/f again... if at any point you realise that that is not what you want anymore you can slowly withrdaw and re-evaluate of the situation... This is about you and your needs right now...

When you are feeling down and for examlpe you don't want parents to worry about you and they ask how are you? What do you say? I tell mine that I am fine, we are all capableof passing an untruth (that doesn't hurt anyone) off as truth. If however as Matteus suggested ( I know he didn't say that exactly but something to that effect) you want to be truthful you are making yourself a victim (and I know she broke up with you so you kind of are but do you know what I mean here?) and felt sorry for and attempt to make her feel guilty then by all means tell her the truth ( I'm feeling like crap because of you). When talking about friends its OK to tell them that you are feeling like s__t and have disscusions with them but I wouldn't with her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Matteus

How do you treat a person in a friendly way? Not too much pushing, but still not too much pulling? i ask you, How are you? Usually, you tell me you are fine, and you ask me too how i have been. On the other side, we dont want people to take care about our feelings our our "being down" and make the situation look desperate or negative. So, stop making her guilty the way you feel or how down you are. just act normally. take care of your own feelings and the need of her presence around you. Even try to stop thinking about the old relation, but act like you are knowing someone new, so act happy, confident, with self-esteem, etc!

I;ve given this some thought. I was surprised and saddened to hear that she was open to seeing other people. It made me think that she didn't care about us or our old relationship, which made me think why should I care anymore. If she thinks that I am fine and have moved on, won't this giver her more reason to move on or not think about us? The reasoning is not all there, I'm not trying to use guilt. I'm proposing being honest about how I feel, and maybe that will allow her to reveal or think about how she truly feels?

Quote:

Originally Posted by needofhelp

I;ve given this some thought. I was surprised and saddened to hear that she was open to seeing other people. It made me think that she didnt care about us or our old relationship, which made me think why should i care anymore.

First of all: You were surprised and yet saddened to hear she was open to seeing other people. This is were we are lost in the game "she is ugly, she is bad, she has no feelings, she wont find anyone better, im going to NC, i hate her (you hate her because she didnt felt like before about you and because she left you), etc". I tell you something about you. You have no spirit of challenge. You forgot how you came to this relation. You forgot the way you treated her in the beginning. You became no challenge anymore for her, and her attraction toward you slowly was falling down at a level where she needs more of that attraction, but can't find it in you anymore. Yes, someone here says there is no need to be flirty, no need of challenge, be honest, be vulnerable, etc, after some amount of time. I say you the opposite! Its like the rose. You feed it with water every day, and one day you tell yourself that the rose had too much water, and you leave it like that. What happens? The rose will start to wither. You think, its started to wither, because of the soil, and you change the soil. But still forgot to feed it with water (means the attraction). The rose says you "i dont feel like before", and you go on with changing the soil (it means you show yourself vulnerable, honest, etc), without results. Love is a game, and we all are part of that game, and we need to learn how to play it. You need to learn to keep the spark going!

Second: We are guys. You are a guy. Guys are strong. Strong guys have feelings but also they have a wall around them, which makes them unbeatable and untouchable. They are not wussy. Are you getting my point? A wussy, will tell their partner, how in love he is, how down he is after she left him, etc. Common, we have this beauty in us to act like leaders, and to show our animal instict in this game. A female goes after a male! Emotions are for girls, we think with our mind first. Guys are not so vulnerable as girls. Once you show yourself vulnerable, you are losing points. A leader is not vulnerable. A leader takes more than he gives. Are you still getting my point? Now stop being honest, and stop telling her how down you are, how you feel about her,etc. Instead, make fun of her, treat her "badly", try to remind her the good times you had together, flirt with her (or every girl you want), be her male and stop being vulnerable and needy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by needofhelp

If she thinks that I am fine and have moved on, won't this giver her more reason to move on or not think about us? The reasoning is not all there, I'm not trying to use guilt. I'm proposing being honest about how I feel, and maybe that will allow her to reveal or think about how she truly feels?

She is not going to think about "us"! She is going to think about herself! We all can't take care about our "egoistic" feelings toward the others. Its just beyond our possibilities. I always say to myself, I can take care about the way they feel about me. I can feed their feelings toward me, and they feed my feelings toward them. I just can't love or like someone, because I want so, but because they are acting that way to make me feel something toward them. If she feels good around you, attracted to you, comfortable around you, she comes to you. Otherwise she finds someone else. Its like with the friends. You stay with a friend, because you feel good around him/her, not because they feel good around you. If you are not feeling OK, happy, attracted to the friend and his/her company, etc, you are going to leave and find another friend, right ? That's what I said. You are going to think about the way you feel around him/her, not the way they feel around you. You are not going to stay with them, because they like you, but because you like them.

Now to be clear about the thing "move on". It doesn't mean to hate someone, to go to NC, to find someone better, etc, but is to deal with the old pain, with the old hurts, to heal your wounds, and to take care about your feelings. It means to learn something about all what happened, the way you used to act in the past, and to use it on your advantage!

Some sweeping statements there matteus!! Highly Debatable... You make me laugh, and not a small laugh, a drink spraying out of the mouth laugh!

Quote:

Originally Posted by kiki_doki

Some sweeping statements there matteus!!! Highly Debatable....You make me laugh, and not a small laugh, a drink spraying out of the mouth laugh!

It's a hot topic, isn't it ? Brrrrrr :) anyway, I'm open at any kind of debate, and who ever thinks has the nerves to prove the opposite of what I'm saying... well, will eventually die from the nerves