Ask Me Help Desk - It's the ex's birthday

Matteus.. and all others..

If there is any doubt that there are some people with problems that they don't want to admit, check the following link out and assess for yourselves.

Could this be called 'running against a brick wall'?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...cts-95423.html

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Ryan, if I filled your shoes I would use them. I would stay away from her. Next stop could be jail man. For all you know they may be contemplating or have already acquired a restraining order or contacted the authorities. They clearly want you away. If you want to keep your dignity and perhaps your freedom stay away completely.

Quote:

Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Ryan, if I filled your shoes I would use them. I would stay away from her. Next stop could be jail man. For all you know they may be contemplating or have already acquired a restraining order or contacted the authorities. They clearly want you away. If you want to keep your dignity and perhaps your freedom stay away completely.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Chery

The Chery sure is a girl! A 56 year old woman who has been all around the world and living in germany at present. I have learned from many different cultures and studied all my life out of curiosity. I have a myriad of personal experiences, enough to know that when someone just asks for a finger you don't slam them with the whole hand.. that comes later when they have more trust in you. Getting into someone's face too fast especially while they are 'emotionally in pain' is not the best way to help because they are bombarded with too much already.... Any psychologist will tell you that. That is like kicking a dog when he's already down and hurting - not a practice that I apply.

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Ok, I know I'm harsh sometimes with my posts, but I'm someone who doesn't care so much about the feelings of the others, mostly when they are victims of themselves. Im tough and I come right to the point, without thinking about the conseguences. But, sometimes this is the best way, to not let him make any kind of decision, bad or good, about the ex factor. Who says that his reactions didn't ruin the relation? No one can guarantee it. Maybe the girl was not worth, maybe he was not worth. Sometimes people just don't like too much attachment from their partner. He did something the last months, good or bad, doesn't count. Now after the breakup, he must do the opposite of that thing. He was too attached to her before the breakup? After, he should stop it. But that doesn't mean, hate her, go to the NC, and everything everybody here is telling him to do. He was her option, and she was his priority. He can manage his position and change the tables, if he can. She should be an option in his life too, and his priority should be his problems and his life!

Anyway, in his case, I don't think he is someone worth, again and again. I just read the post about he harassed her, etc, and I don't see anything we can change in him. He is a controlling, manipulative, abusive person, stalking, end of the discussion.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Matteus

Ok, i know im harsh sometimes with my posts, but im someone who doesnt care so much about the feelings of the others, mostly when they are victims of themself. Im tough and i come right to the point, without thinking about the conseguences. but, sometimes this is the best way, to not let him make any kind of decision, bad or good, about the ex factor. Who says that his reactions didnt ruin the relation? Noone can guarantee it. Maybe the girl was not worth, maybe he was not worth. Sometimes people just dont like too much attachment from their partner. He did something the last months, good or bad, doesnt count. Now after the breakup, he must do the opposite of that thing. He was too attached to her before the breakup? After, he should stop it. but that doesnt mean, hate her, go to the NC, and everything everybody here is telling him to do. He was her option, and she was his priority. he can manage his position and change the tables, if he can. She should be an option in his life too, and his priority should be his problems and his life!

Anyway, in his case, i dont think he is someone worth, again and again. I just read the post about he harrased her, etc, and i dont see anything we can change in him. he is a controlling, manipulative, abusive person, stalking, end of the discussion.

Well, I just thought I would tell you guys the whole story because I was talking to him constantly everyday and we were going back and forth with the situation, I guess he didn't like my advice so he figured he would leave out the details, in hope that someone agrees with him so he can have a reason to contact her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jolienoire

Well, I just thought I would tell you guys the whole story because I was talking to him constantly everyday and we were going back and forth with the situation, I guess he didn't like my advice so he figured he would leave out the details, in hope that someone agrees with him so he can have a reason to contact her.

It's good that you did. Many people construct events that will yield them what they want to hear. While I'm not an enemy of plenitude, it certainly does not apply to creating fiction. He better come to terms with it soon though, if he is indeed harassing she is liable to either hate him or get him arrested which ever comes first. I might add, there is nothing like a night in jail to scare a chap straight.

Co-Dependancy is not healthy. If someone asks you to leave them alone you do it!

In some or a lot of cases co-dependancy leads to relationship break downs and a mirage of other problems. Deal with those issues of dependency before you even get into a relationship.

I say to my friends in the real world and on here, a relationship should not make you, it merely expands your life, you should be happy alone, fulfilled and indepednent whether you are in a relationship or without.

Of course many times one may have issues of depedancy, it really depends on the indivdual I think. Also jealousy etc etc. Some handle it better than others. For those whose relationships have broken down, maybe in ryans case? It may be worthwhile dealing with these issues, have a long stint of being single. You can only learn from the past with a nice fat bit of time and no contact on your side.

2 weeks ago...
She never asked me to leave her alone. She said she would come back to me if she hadn't become involved with this other guy. She said she still loved me and offered no closure. We laughed together in our last conversation. I offered all of the details in my other posts. I'm not trying to hide anything. I was a bit disoriented and I needed direction. If anything, I've been trying to give all of the facts so I can get an unbiased answer. I tried to convey our conversations verbatim even. I listened to everything you said joile and I haven't contacted her for 2 weeks now. Just wanted to know if bithday text message was in order. I didn't send it though, out of respect for her and her new relationship. Her feelings ARE in my best interests. I'm not a bad guy, I got attached to a person who was all about the relationship and never reallly loved me as a person. I'm the complete opposite, I loved her person and the relationship second.
I haven't all out harassed her and you are jumping to the wrong conclusions. Yes I did way too much groveling to her in the initial stages though... I'm coming to terms with what has happened but I feel like she's leaving me as an option for the future.
I also wanted to tell her, through this action and rather than all the useless words I've used, that I will not be put second. In hopes she would feel a loss and make some response. But I've got more respect than that to wait for her. She is a bad partner and I would be a fool to take her back. She just wants to hang her hat with the next best opportunity. I screwed up my chances with her but I made the right choice because I saw she just wanted to hang her hat the whole time... it makes me sick that I fell for someone like this. Even though I made "the traumatic breakup," I did the right thing. I was the better person in the relationship and my feelings for her were truer than hers for me. I'm trying to accept that and move on myself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ryaninvegas

2 weeks ago...
she never asked me to leave her alone. she said she would come back to me if she hadnt become involved with this other guy. she said she still loved me and offered no closure. we laughed together in our last conversation. i offered all of the details in my other posts. im not trying to hide anything. i was a bit disoriented and i needed direction. if anything, ive been trying to give all of the facts so i can get an unbiased answer. i tried to convey our conversations verbatim even. i listened to everything you said joile and i havent contacted her for 2 weeks now. just wanted to knw if bithday txt message was in order. i dint send it though, out of respect for her and her new relationship. her feelings ARE in my best interests. im not a bad guy, i got attached to a person who was all about the relationship and never reallly loved me as a person. im the complete opposite, i loved her person and the relationship second.
i havent all out harrassed her and you are jumping to the wrong conclusions. yes i did way too much groveling to her in the initial stages though... im comming to terms with what has happened but i feel like shes leavin me as an option for the future.
i also wanted to tell her, through this action and rather than all the useless words ive used, that i will not be put second. in hopes she would feel a loss and make some response. but ive got more respect than that to wait for her. she is a bad partner and i would be a fool to take her back. she just wants to hang her hat with the next best opportunity. i screwed up my chances with her but i made the right choice because i saw she just wanted to hang her hat the whole time... it makes me sick that i fell for someone like this. even though i made "the traumatic breakup," i did the right thing. i was the better person in the realtionship and my feelings for her were truer than hers for me. im trying to accept that and move on myself.

I am not trying to make you feel bad, as a woman I am only stating that if I tell someone I am happy and they keep contacted me, then it is a form of harassment weither you like to admit that or not.. I just don't want you to get hurt. You made her a priority when you were only an option... Live your life to the fullest. If it was meant to be it will there is no time limit on when soemone is suppose to come back, hell I reconnected with my HS sweetheart 10 years later, and we just broke up 2 weeks ago, I gave him the space he asked for, and he came over yesterday... We hung out as friends and he told me he respected me for giving him the time he needed, I was never bitter, I respected his decision. We came to terms we would be friends he even admitted to me that he may be making a mistake as I was the best woman to him, but he need to figure things out.. In the meantime, I told him I couldn't wait for him and promise him that I will be available but I can guarantee him that he will always be a friend and I respect him.. I may never talk to him again, I may talk to him again, I am just being the best me I can be in the meantime.. And who knows he may or may not come back, But I respect and love him enough to love and let go.. I will let him realize he made a mistake versus me proving him he made a mistake, some have to learn on their own. I wish you the best and hope that you can recover and learn from this breakup and no that it is not the end but the beginning you are one step closer to finding the "one".. It is better to love and lost than to end up with a psycho...
Keep your head up live life for you be happy, and take this as a lesson.. If you can do that then you will be all right..

I'd just send a simple "happy birthday" text and that's all

Quote:

Originally Posted by Matteus

Ok, i know im harsh sometimes with my posts, but im someone who doesnt care so much about the feelings of the others, mostly when they are victims of themself. Im tough and i come right to the point, without thinking about the conseguences. but, sometimes this is the best way, to not let him make any kind of decision, bad or good, about the ex factor. Who says that his reactions didnt ruin the relation? Noone can guarantee it. Maybe the girl was not worth, maybe he was not worth. Sometimes people just dont like too much attachment from their partner. He did something the last months, good or bad, doesnt count. Now after the breakup, he must do the opposite of that thing. He was too attached to her before the breakup? After, he should stop it. but that doesnt mean, hate her, go to the NC, and everything everybody here is telling him to do. He was her option, and she was his priority. he can manage his position and change the tables, if he can. She should be an option in his life too, and his priority should be his problems and his life!

Anyway, in his case, i dont think he is someone worth, again and again. I just read the post about he harrased her, etc, and i dont see anything we can change in him. he is a controlling, manipulative, abusive person, stalking, end of the discussion.

If you think this guy sounds bad, check this Emopunk out... There are some egotistical and coltrolling individuals out there. Mine was the same, (I let him 'play with me for 10 years' and since I have cancer he rebuffed me as someone of no more use to him anymore and changed the locks to his apartment - still has my stuff there and I will have to call the police soon because when I asked him for some of it today, he said he "had no time" which is not an appropriate answer.
I don't care whethere people accept what I say anymore either because I tell it like it is and will not stop either.

But check this dude's thread out and see how much I really tried, but doubt if it was absorbed..
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relatio...cts-95423.html

Sorry to have been so abrupt with you, but you seemed to have just come on too strong, until I cought on to the 'real deal'.

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