Ask Me Help Desk - Separation after 7.5 years. Confused.

Part 1 of 2

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Originally Posted by jorgy22

My girlfriend (of a bit more then 7 consistant years) broke up with me on the drive home on Halloween saying that she just needed some space to be on her own and grow (she is 21 and I'm 22. (started at 13 and 15))

Jorgy welcome to AMHD.com. The good news is you’ve found one of the very best sites on the internet for help in these issues. The bad news is your in a tough spot because as much as I hate that line about needing to be on your own and growing, the reality is she is right on this issue. All she has known her adult life is you and that probably has not allowed her to grow into the person she wants to be. I’m not suggesting that you would prevent that from happening but what you have to understand is, that as people get older they change and grow (my word not hers) into different people. I think she is starting to come to this realization, especially now that she’s reached the 21st birthday which is somewhat of a milestone in that while your legal at 18 you can truly do all adult activities at 21 and begin to experience new places, things, people and live free from someone else’s shadow. At 21 years of age she has lived under her parents and your surroundings. It’s all she knows and she wants to see what else is out there.

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Originally Posted by jorgy22

I broke down that night and became a complete puss... even threw up.

I will defend you against yourself or anybody else that says you were a complete puss after being dumped after 7 years with the only person you had ever loved. Breaking down does not make you a puss or anything else. If anyone says otherwise they are full of sh*t.

Now that being said, I know your young so please learn this now, I’ll tell any guy to cry but never do it in front of her. The biggest piece of BS that we hear all our lives is “I want a man that is not afraid to cry” and it’s such a lie. Women hold that against you and they begin to think of you as weak.

Never break down in front of a woman, because the next thing you know is she will pull out her emotional crap and start crying herself to make you feel even worse.

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Originally Posted by jorgy22

We were both crying like crazy.

Like that.

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Originally Posted by jorgy22

She told me after I asked "whats wrong" for like 5 min. straight. I thought she was having a problem at home (we both live with our parents since we are students)... but was surprissed to hear this... she said she really didn't want to tell me.

She then left on a "last minute" trip to Halloween Horror nights with her brother, and female cousin.

I’m glad you said it was last minute in quotes because I think you and I both know it was designed that way to provide her with a means of escape. That tells you right there this was predetermined, which after 7 years it would be. But she calculated this move to provide herself with an out and a distraction while you suffered.

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Originally Posted by jorgy22

We didn't talk till she came back on Sat. morning. I let her contact me...

Smart.

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Originally Posted by jorgy22

at which point I asked her to meet me for dinner "just as friends." I figured the best approach was to figure what she's thinking and be the "cool cat/guy" and leave emotions to the side.

While I agree with you that is the best approach you had a problem with it. You were in a highly emotional state so no matter how much you think your acting like a cool guy a woman with her natural ability to read and understand emotions would pick right up on that.

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Originally Posted by jorgy22

I picked her up and headed to the restaurant. We talked and I remanised on older times (about the times that were special and times that we made love/were/how/etc.)

This is exactly what I’m talking about. You’re acting emotional and bringing up emotional times. That’s not acting cool. In fact it plays right into her because a women will turn those emotions right back on you to her advantage.

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Originally Posted by jorgy22

We had a great night and even kissed (although not a full on makeout, but rather a few soft kisses) a few times and again when I walked her to the door.

That night we agree:

that we both need room to grow and some space is pretty good... heck we've never known anything but eachother... so some new found freedom is nice. We both agreed that this isn't a "lets go on the prowl thing" but neither is it a sure thing between us... although neither of us really are ready/want to start dating, but rather have some alone time. We both admit that we love each other and are still attracted to each other. We even talked about maybee taking a cruise together sometime.

I disagree with everything you two agreed on. You agreed to it because you had no other options. She agreed to it because it played out perfectly as she could set you up to use you as a back up plan in case something else didn’t work out. You are always available and apparently willing to take her on a cruise despite what she’s done. You showed her no emotional strength and that is what women will judge you on the most. They understand, use, and manipulate emotions better then you or I can both understand. Yet what you are either to inexperienced or blinded to see is she played your desire for her love to her by making you available at a moments notice while she does what she wants.

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Originally Posted by jorgy22

That night was great. Felt like an AMAZING first date for both of us.

For you. It felt like an AMAZING first date for you. For her it felt like she had just dumped a guy after 7 years and then got asked out and given a free meal as a reward for her behavior.

Part 2 of 2

Quote:

Originally Posted by jorgy22

We didn't see each other on Sun. but I didn't contact her either. She text'd me during the day and I answered her back an hour or so after each text... like she'd ask "Hows your day going" and I wrote back, "I'm at the Colts/Pats game party" and she was home doing laundry, etc. etc.. We then talked at night cause my phone ran outta battery and I called when I got home (dumb, I know... but I wanted to ask for another date... something sweet and short),

Yes calling her is dumb and so is asking her out. Again. She dumped you and said she wanted to grow. You've got to hold her to that. You have to back off. I'd recommend quit contacting her altogether. But if you are not going to then BACK OFF and let her call you and ask you out. You are already coming off as needy…not in a desperate way but in a way that says you can't stand on your own two feet. A woman looks for a strong man, and if she can manipulate you like this you are not coming off as strong to her.

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Originally Posted by jorgy22

and I asked her if she wanted to go the the mall with me to look for some new cloths (I'm not much into that... but I knew she is...)...

So now you have been dumped, you have called her back, you have agreed to see other people, you have taken her to dinner, and now you want to go shopping. You know what you are? You're a friend. That's what she does with all her girlfriends. She's looking for a man, and if you don't like going to the mall….a fact she surely must know after 7 years then all of sudden you are picking out mini skirts or shoes (or whatever the hell women do at the mall….I don't like going there either) you are acting just like the girls act. That's not a place you want to be in. You have to back off and do what you want.

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Originally Posted by jorgy22

She says that she'd love to come and wanted to get something for my mom as well (Her brithday was Nov. 2nd... so a late gift, but a gift). I ended up catching a cold from being out all and all the "not eating" that I'd been doing.

We don't talk all day Monday till I pick her up at 7:30pm (and I call at 7 to make sure we are still on).

You made the call. I'm noticing a pattern of behavior from both of you, are you seeing it yet?

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Originally Posted by jorgy22

This date didn't go so well. I told her I had a surprise for her and that I'd be telling her tonight... so she asked me... and rite off the bat I asked her if she wanted to go on the cruise that I'm going on at the end of the month to the Bahamas.

DESPERATION! This is total desperation.

Dude, I'm not knocking you because this is all new to you and it sucks, trust me I've felt the sting and pain you dealing with. But you have to STOP all contact right now. You are acting out and doing desperate things to try and get her to come around and all your doing is pushing her further away.

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Originally Posted by jorgy22

She seemed excited, but kinda put off when she kinda came to her senses and realised that we were just friends... so a trip alone with me... although sounded good to her, she just said that she wasn't sure.

Oh she was sure. She was also right. You are just friends. She has made that clear and in fact it was you that didn't want to accept it or maybe didn't know how to accept it after all this time with her.

What you have to understand about women who break up with guys after long break ups is they don't just decide to do it. They emotionally let themselves down out of the relationship and they might start a several months to a year before they end the relationship. Men have very little understanding of emotions and when we are finally told what is happening we begin to act out emotionally thinking that we will connect with them on that level. If we start providing more that will lead to happiness which will lead to her coming back is the mind set of most men in your position. The reality is a woman sees it as weak and it turns her off.

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Originally Posted by jorgy22

So that put me into a "rejected/needy" kinda mood, and I already felt bad because of my cold... so I bought a colgn that I and she really liked (wore it on the dinner and she really liked it)...

In all of this I have yet to see you say one thing you've done for yourself. She dumped you. From the moment you hear those words that it's over that means you do jack for her. Nothing. Not one thing. Instead you are doing this backwards. You are doing everything for her and it's only driving her further away and MOST IMPORTANT making you feel like crap. Screw her. It's time to work on yourself. It's time to put you in the most important position. You need to start exercising, making short term goals and working on them, and creating few new hobbies.

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Originally Posted by jorgy22

but when I asked her for a kiss she kinda felt uncomfortable again (I know, don't ask... take. But I was really feeling uncomfortable)

So, I said, it.... I don't wan a fuking shirt! Lets go to Starbucks and get a coffee.

While we sit down and talk... things are getting REALLY nice again (kinda like on Sat.)... but I'm starting to get mushy again (like I did early in the night)... so I cut it short and say lets go. We then walk across the mall (its closing) to another bench, and sit and talk... its going really well... I got my composure again. And then we leave. In the car she asks me if I've gotten something to eat... and I said (just to go against her a bit)... I'm not hungry?

Finally! It's small but as you said it went against her.

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Originally Posted by jorgy22

Wanna catch a movie? (DUMB. I should have kept it short... but we seem to be flowing again... I can't shake this "rejected" feel... although we've kissed a few times since then.) She agree's though and says "yea... if its not to late for you, I'd like to go too! I'll pay my own way though..." and I give her the "don't be stupid, I got you" speech. I know... I'm dumb.

You are not dumb. You're in pain. The pain is causing you to act in ways that are not in your best interests. But when she says she's paying her own way that is a HUGE message to you. She's telling you that wants more space even if you are hanging out.

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Originally Posted by jorgy22

So... we head to the movies and I just can't shake that feel... although I give the "cocky and funny" guy that she feel in love with. She looks at me like she wants to kiss me and I kiss her. Its a nice kiss... and I ask her "If you like kissing me so much, why don't you kiss me? You know you can't help yourself." She says that it just feels strange cause we are friends now (and she doesn't feel OK kissing someone who's not her b/f), but at the same time she/we still have those feelings.... but need time to grow.

Let me decode this. She is really saying “Jorgy, I see you as a friend and I have no feelings for you but I feel somewhat responsible for this and I didn't think you would have as hard a time with this break up so I'm going to help you the best that I can.”

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Originally Posted by jorgy22

So we get our movie tickets.... 30 days of Night. (Save your money.... sucked big!) We start to talk again while we wait (1 hour) and talk about old times and making love and how great we both are at pleasing each other. Going great again. I bring up the cruise again, and tell her to think about it and let me know. She says she will.... and I say... "You'll see.... by the end of the week you'll be begging me to take you... and cause your soo hot. I'll think about it. :D " Cocky and funny again. She likes it, and we laugh...

While cocky and funny has it's place you're the one still asking her on a cruise after she dumped you. If your going to be cocky and funny you have to do it like a UFC fighter. Hit the jab then back off and let her follow you in. Your going up to her with no protection asking her for the cruise which is like leading with your head getting rejected then covering with the cocky and funny. You are doing it all wrong. Hit C&F then get out. If you do it right, she'll come to you. Then hit it again and get out. Don't hit and then stand there proud that you did it.

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Originally Posted by jorgy22

We get into the theater and we're the only one there... we cuddle and hold our faces close and keep talking. BUT ITS FREEZING and neither of us can stop shivering... Some other people show up and sit RIGHT behind us. The movie is a bit gross... and I'm feeling worse and worse (cold, and I havn't eaten yet... and its now 11pm).... we cuddle though and feel comfortable with each other.

You feel comfortable with her. You can't speak for her.

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Originally Posted by jorgy22

.... but I felt like I lost control tonight. (<---- basically like a "please take me back")

I felt like you lost control when she dumped you and you have been playing defense the whole time. I never saw anywhere where you were in control. STOP talking to her now. It's the only way you can show her at this point you DON'T need her. Furthermore, it may make her miss you. I can't say that for sure but after 7 years maybe she needs to find out that not having you around is much different then she imagined it before she dumped you.

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Originally Posted by jorgy22

So today she sends me some "Have faith" "God bless you in your hard times" emails.... and we've been writing back and forth all day.

F her for bring God into this when she's the cause of it all.

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Originally Posted by jorgy22

I don't know if I should go for the "No contact" or keep being friends and slowly get back together. I want the relationship back, but just for a more relaxed one.

I'm a bit lost..... can you help me out?

Thanks,

Jorgy

No contact is what you must do. You should have done it earlier but now you must do it.

Thanks Chuff!

I needed your advice! I've been reading her wrong, and you are 100% right. You sir are truly a flashlight in the darkest hours!

N/C it is then! FUK her if she hurts... she knows I care about her and I don't have to prove it. Let her prove that she cares about me to me, and I'll THINK about letting her into my life one day.

Yeah Chuff, has that effect. He got me too. I concur with his advice. I'd like to add a bit to it. First of all. She had a very well orchestrated plan. The only nice thing she did was let you down easily. Shakespeare couldn't have had designed it better himself. You've got your blinders on. She is out on the hunt and you're still at home waiting for her to bring back the meal although she isn't coming. She is doing what's best for her. Now you need to do what's best for you. Seven years is a fairly long relationship. It is imperative that you gain as much as possible from this. You must feel everything and do not deny yourself your emotions. You must learn how it felt how your where treated and how women are much more in control of us emotionally than logic would account for. In time you will come to despise her or even hate, then you may feel sad and miss her then back to hate her. But ultimately, I've found that eventually, you gain a disconnection and you logically assess the situation, you may even come to understand it and only wish her the best or even become friends with her. You will date again invariably and sooner than later in most cases. The experience itself will make you stronger, smarter, wiser, and a better man for yourself and anyone who you have a deep relationship with. Death is rebirth. Things must die for others to grow. It's a whole cycle. Don't worry you will be just fine. Make sure you take time out to grow for yourself. Make sure you finish schooling and get yourself as independently strong as possible. Good luck cheers.