Ask Me Help Desk - Why is it so hard to leave him? Why are women like this?

I've not had an affair, and couldn't imagine being with anyone buy my wife. But several of my ex-friends have cheated. The thing that's in common with them is that they all are cowards, and lack any sort of self esteem. That's what's funny. You may think that you're the weak one, but in fact it's them men who are weak. You sound like a fantastic gal: A great mom, a perceptive, loving, and forgiving person. That's all great stuff!!

These ex-friends have cheated because they've been too dang afraid to have open conversations with their wives. It's easier for them to get a piece of action on the side than it is to actually talk about sex, her lack of a career, her weight, whatever. They don't have the guts to ask for divorce. Instead they live their lives in denial of a broken relationship that they are afraid to fix.

I have no advice. I'm sorry that I don't have a simple solution for your complicated problem. The only thing I know is that the only way to fix a problem is to work on it head-on. Be strong and committed to whatever decision you make.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RustyFairmount

I've not had an affair, and couldn't imagine being with anyone buy my wife. But several of my ex-friends have cheated. The thing that's in common with them is that they all are cowards, and lack any sort of self esteem. That's what's funny. You may think that you're the weak one, but in fact it's them men who are weak. You sound like a fantastic gal: A great mom, a perceptive, loving, and forgiving person. That's all great stuff!!!!

These ex-friends have cheated because they've been too dang afraid to have open conversations with their wives. It's easier for them to get a piece of action on the side than it is to actually talk about sex, her lack of a career, her weight, whatever. They don't have the guts to ask for divorce. Instead they live their lives in denial of a broken relationship that they are afraid to fix.

I have no advice. I'm sorry that I don't have a simple solution for your complicated problem. The only thing I know is that the only way to fix a problem is to work on it head-on. Be strong and committed to whatever decision you make.

Thank you for your reply. The thing is, I'm not overweight, and I was always the one who tried to spice things up in the bedroom. I've shared many thoughts and ideas. I understand that after you have been with someone for a while, things tend to seem "old"-even women feel that way with their men. But I have always loved and supported my family and I can't believe that this turns him off so much. He keeps telling me he is not cheating, but when he doesn't come home for days at a time, and I don't hear from him for days at a time, what else can he be doing?
I do have a great job, but I have three kids, the money I make mostly goes towards their caring expenses. I haven't had a new pair of shoes in two years. I have work pants that are stapled together at the bottom because they are so old, but I can't afford new ones. He comes home with new clothes and jewelry from the mall every week. He doesn't even have a REAL job. It just hurts so bad that he doesn't care about me at all and no matter what I do, there is nothing that will make him see. So there are some reasons I feel bad about myself. I don't have the means to buy new nice things to look as good as he wants me to. I feel as though he is ashamed of me.
And I'm not even overweight-I just can't pinpoint the problem at all. What could it be?

Where the heck is he getting the money from? Drugs, male prostitution, or you bank account?

No matter what, you have a right to know. And if and when he makes you feel guilty for leaving and 'messing up the family' tell him to look in the mirror. So you might feel guilty and worried of the unknown, but get informed and in time, dear, you'll get over the guilt as soon as your life is more stable, happy, and comfortable.

You don't need the constant stress. The kids will also be proud of you for doing something about this sorry state. Believe me, they are more aware than you think. If you do nothing, they will consider you weak and probably will not trust or support you. If you show strength and responsibility for them and yourself, they will understand and support you.

It happens in a lot of families. Don't let the kids learn that it's OK to treat women/mothers like crap. That will not do them any good.

Hugs,

Chery

[QUOTE=Chery]Where the heck is he getting the money from? Drugs, male prostitution, or you bank account?

Well, let's just say his job is not legal. There is nothing incriminating in the house, which is one thing he has respected me on, but no legal job. It is a sickness what he does, but he is not willing to get help, which he has admitted he even needs. He says he's had therapy as a child; however, he knew how to manipulate the psychiatrist-making them believe that he was OK or "better". He has no fiath in anyone but himself.

I know he has faith in me because he truly does believe that I will never leave no matter what he does.

I don't see how he could not have self esteem, he completely loves himself. Which is good I guess, but he is very arrogant and conceited. He has more confidence than anyone I know. And he has sucked it all out of me.

How about you and your self-esteem?
Do you really feel comfortable being in the 'role' that you're in?
My man put me down so many times, and now booted me out because I have cancer and he does not longer have use for me. What does this do for me?. I want to hit him with a baseball bat!

Do you really want to be driven to such and extreme that you might become violent, or do you want to get out and let him manipulate someone else? Do you want the kids to learn from him - that will place them on a very dangerous road in life.

I wish there was something I could do for you, dear, because what he's doing is worse than what some do to animals. You really deserve better and I hope you have the chance to find someone who will care for you and love you for who you are and not what you can do for him. Legal or not.

All my best,
Chery

I found a website called Domestic Violence Support Organization - Online Support Group, Information and it is for mentally, sexually, emotionally (same as mentaly?) abused women. I'm getting into that as of yesterday. Hopefully through these people, I can get help and find courage to get gone and stay gone.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts. I will be in touch.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Depressed in MO

I found a website called Domestic Violence Support Organization - Online Support Group, Information and it is for mentally, sexually, emotionally (same as mentaly?) abused women. I'm getting into that as of yesterday. Hopefully through these people, I can get help and find courage to get gone and stay gone.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts. I will be in touch.

Go for it dear, you'll see that you are not alone, and that others have found solutions. I hope you find your's as soon as possible.

Don't worry about repercussions from him, there are ways and means to force him to leave you alone. Take it step by step.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chery

Go for it dear, you'll see that you are not alone, and that others have found solutions. I hope you find your's as soon as possible.

Don't worry about repercussions from him, there are ways and means to force him to leave you alone. Take it step by step.

Thank you for being so kind to me. Last night when I went home, I saw that he had a bag packed for the weekend. Today is his birtthday. He didn't even call me. Or answer any of one of the two calls I made to him last night. If he loves me so much, wouldn't he want his woman to be by his side on his birthday?

I'm so depressed I can hardly focus today. I know I won't hear from him until Monday.

I will probably be on the new site a lot today. I really need some help to cope.

Anywya, Thanks again.