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I inderstand what you are saying. You can send her a card, have casual conversation if it does not cause you too much pain. Don't answer every text or phone call. If you two are meant to be, it will happen, just don't sit in the driver's seat. If it's not too painful, let it coast along. If it gets to be too much back off completely.
I wish you well
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Originally Posted by Jiser
Thanks Jiser! Please keep the responses coming! It's totally helping me figure things out in my head to have you guys as a sounding board. Know what I mean? You know, I've also thought about going this route several times. It just seems really hard because, believe it or not, I don't want to hurt her by just completely shutting her out, even though she has put me through hell for nearly two months now. Weird, isn't it? It's just the kind of guy I am I guess, but I probably just need to man up and not speak to her/text her. See but the thing is, she pretty much contacts me every day. So what do I do about that? Just ignore them? Or ask her to stop?
There was a point when I did actually try this for a day or two. If you read my huge book of a post (sorry for the length) when I did just ignore her texts and calls for a day when she was upset about three weeks into the break, I got a good response out of her. I mean, she even called up my work all upset. The complete NC is hard though because I don't want to shut all the doors and burn all the bridges if she wants to come back. Also, I still have some of my belongings at her place, so at some point I will have to contact her so that I can go get those things. So I should really just go full out NC? See, and then other people who respond to my post say don't do this, but just keep contact light and let her contact you. I know ultimately the decision comes down to me, but it's just hard to choose the right path.
BELIEVE ME I UNDERSTAND! 1000 PERCENT!Quote:
Originally Posted by freakinconfused
Every time you see or talk to her you will have you 2 being together on your mind.
You have to go no contact. Tell her you need time for yourself. PERIOD. POINTBLANK.
Its not a lie it is very true. I completely understand your point. Its your emotions talking your holding out hope etc.. Nothing wrong with that but you need YOU time. My opinion is you need to completely walk away. NO CONTACT. I know the pain it will cause you but you have to be strong bro.
You know you better than anyone. Whether you two make it as a couple again or not, you can end this on friendly terms. Light contact, by light I mean don't you contact her, let her do it and don't answer every call or text. If things are just not going to work, the contact will gradually die off any way. But if you find her contacting you is too much, then you put and end to it.
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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
Thanks again for the response! Ok, so I think I'll get her a card (a non-mushy, basic birthday card) and possibly a gift card as well, and maybe drop it off, unless she contacts me and wants to hang out this weekend. Oh and that's another thing I wanted to ask you, should I just continue to do what I'm doing and let her contact me, and not contact her (unless it's something important like needing to get my belongings or if my car breaks down, again). And then if/when she does contact me, just respond to some of the texts and/or calls, but not all of them? That's pretty much what I've been doing so far, and yes, sometimes it causes my emotions to well up in me and make me miss her a whole lot, but I'm typically pretty good about handling it. I've only slipped up a couple of times and texted her letting her know that I miss her badly, and to me, a couple of times in about 2 months isn't that bad. If I do this, I think in the meantime I'll start working on myself so I can try to get her out of my head, and maybe chat with another girl or two? If I can find one that is - man it takes me forever to meet chicks... Sound like the right thing? I know you basically just told me that this is what I should do, but I got to double check. :)
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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
Homegirl, quick question. I think I know the answer, but is the point of not answering every call or text to make her think that I'm busy and moving on with my life, and have other things to do besides sit around and wait for her to call or text?
Also, another thought, which I probably won't act on but just want to throw it out there to see what you guys have to say... What about an ultimatum? I mean, she is responsible for creating this situation and has made this big decision. Do I get to make any big decisions then? Like, couldn't I just be like, OK, well you wanted a break, and I didn't want one, but now I want some sort of decision as to what's going to happen here? I'm not sure but I think maybe doing this would probably be foolish and spell certain disaster, but I just want to know what people think because some of my friends have said that this might be a good idea. Suggestions anyone? I'm sorry I know I blab on a lot, but this kind of thing really helps me get some perspective and having people that have been through this kind of thing feeding me advice and ideas makes me feel way better.
That's part of it, but you don't want to be in the habit of waiting for every phone call, every text and by not answereing them, you are sort of training yourself to not be always in a state of "waiting" She will also come to realize that it is not good to call you for any and everything. This way if she really wants you back, she will have to come right out and say it and not assume you know cause she calls or texts all of the time.Quote:
Originally Posted by freakinconfused
If you have gotten tired of the whole thing then yes, do it, but I would not give her an ultimatum, you want her to stay with you because she wants to, not because you have given her an ultimatum. When you get tired, you break it off completely. And only you know when you've reached that point.Quote:
Originally Posted by freakinconfused
Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
Thank you, your advice is freakin' awesome! I don't know why, but I have the sinking feeling that she is probably going to just move on, but I'm not sure. I just got the feeling that, when I texted her yesterday morning to tell her that I really miss her and miss waking up to see her face, and she just responded with "Aww! I miss you too," that she just didn't really give a $h!t that I missed her. I responded to her "Aww" text with "ok" and she responded with "why did I just get an ok?" and I told her that I had really strong feelings of missing her today, frankly I felt like she was just responding to my text because she maybe felt like she had to and not because she felt a similar way. I also sent a text right after that saying "but maybe I'm reading too much into a text message" and she agreed that I was. She then texted me later that day to see how the rest of my day had been, and it told her it was good, but I feel like she was kind of just doing it out of obligation or something. Ahhh I hate this so much. I need to just drop it, I know I do, but it's so hard guys... I mean, she was my first love.
I think she is moving on. She knows how you feel and your texting her and telling her how you feel just makes it harder for her and you. I think deep down you see the hand writing on the wall. Don't text or call her. Stay as general as you can when she call ot texts you. I think she will eventually stop and you will eventually heal.
Ok well, she texted me today at like 10PM asking how my day was. I didn't answer. And honestly, I don't think it matters that I didn't answer, because she's just stringing me along, and I am seriously just sick of this $#!t. I can't pinpoint it exactly, but I keep getting the sinking feeling that she's moving on, and that I'm just her fall back plan or something. If this is the case, which I'm starting to realize it is now, I keep feeling like I am coming back to the decision I made before which is: I don't think its really fair for her to slowly let me go like this, and I don't think I should really have to take it, and let this relationship (or what's left of it) slowly fade away into nothingness. If I do let the relationship fade away, I'll feel like I didn't get out what I have to say to her, and I'll always wonder what would have happened if I just said what was on my mind. If I don't let the relationship fade but just ask her to either let me go or decide that she wants to be with me so that we can work on our future together, then at least I'll know I tried, and will look back at it knowing I did what I could. That way I can at least feel good about it, and have some kind of closure. Plus, letting this relationship fade out is giving her exactly what she wants - an easy way out with no confrontation, and that is just completely unfair to me, especially after all the crap I've been through. I mean, she got to make this huge decision about our relationship, did she not? Now it's my turn to make one. If I just let this whole thing fade away, then I am just letting her have her cake and eat it too, because she gets off without a hitch, which isn't right or fair. Letting me go this way sucks, because I am basically just fed up with waking up every day and thinking about her all day and hoping that she will call, or text, and being worried that she won't. It makes me feel like I'm frozen in time and can't move forward. I feel like this past 6 weeks has felt like 6 months. And, I need some kind of ending to this so that I can move on with my life and forget about her, even though I know it will be hard. So, I feel like I have to just end it, and do it face to face so that she sees the pain it has caused me, and realize that doing this kind of thing to people you love (or used to love) really hurts them.
My plan is this - her birthday is Friday. I'm not going to call or text or respond to a damn thing until Saturday. If I don't hear from her, and she doesn't invite me to hang out with her on her birthday, or makes no effort to contact me, then I guess the signs are pretty clear that she is through with me. If I don't hear from her, then I'm just going to call her and tell her we need to talk, face to face on Saturday when I get off work. I'm going to tell her that I love her, and that I want to be with her, but that this "break," or whatever the hell it is, is hurting me, and that I just cannot do it any longer. I mean, I never even wanted it in the first place. I'm going to tell her that she either needs to be with me and that we need to start working on our future together, or that I'm through, and she can call me when she gets her $#!t straight, and we'll see where we are in are lives at that point. I'm not going to blame anything on her, because I don't blame her for falling out of love with me, or wanting to have some space, or whatever. It happens. I can't change the way she feels, and neither can she really. I'm just going to make it clear that I cannot and will not be strung along because it's hurting me too much, and that she either has to commit, or let go. Sad thing is, I know what the answer will be, and so I'm preparing for the worst. But, I feel like this is really the best thing for me to do. From then on, its NC unless there is an emergency, or I need to get my belongings. Anyone out there got any pointers on this?
Freak:
We all understand how stressed out you are. The emotions are endless. It is like you are in a virtual mind prison with the constant thoughts.
However, you really need to maintain the discipline to stay away. The more that you contact her, the more you are going to force her away and the less she will think about you as a potential partner again. I realize that you need closure and it's tough. But focus now on yourself. Take a lot of walks and while you are losing weight get in great shape.
One thing I want you to understand, is advice from someone who is 20 years older than you and has been through this a few times. That advice is that the next one is always better than the last. As you grow and learn from the pain and constant questioning of yourself and your actions, you will be better prepared for the next relationship. I remember college going through what you are now dealing with. Never thought I would find someone as good as her. Well the next one made me realize how great someone else could be.
I highly doubt that my ex would be here considering he dumped me and this site usually consists of dumpees, but I don't care if he did. It would be a good way for him to find out what a LOSER he is after reading how many people on here called him one.Quote:
Originally Posted by freakinconfused
She kows how you feel about her, you have told her before. What you are wanting to do does nothing but allow you to let off steam, Your giving her an ultimatum and then telling her to let you know what she decides does nothing but put you back in the waiting corner.
If you can no longer do this then don't, but don't give her any more choices. Tell her you love her, but you cannot play this game anymore and then end it. PERIOD. If she wants you it will be up to her to let you know, and she will. Otherwise, you know what the deal is, it's done.
So should I just not do this then? I mean, don't get me wrong, I do want to be with this girl if I can, but I feel like the longer this goes on the less that's going to happen. Plus, I look at all the other posts on here, and practically no one gets back with their ex. That's why I wanted to just tell her that I love her and want to be with her, but that I can't do this "break" business because it's just giving me false hope. I want to tell her that I think it's better if we just leave each other alone for now, unless she wants to work on our relationship together. Which to that I'm sure she will respond in the same way that she has before - basically that she needs more time - which basically means, from what I can gather, that she wants to be single and date others. Well, I don't have all the time in the world to wait for her, right? I need to get on with my life. Ahh this is so hard to decide what to do. I mean, what I REALLY want is for her to be drawn back to me. Half of the people I talk to say I need to just go NC, give her her break and let her realize she misses me, and then she will come back if it's right. These same people say that every time we hang out/call/text then it is just lowering my value to her. But if I do this, then aren't I just playing the waiting game that will more than likely fizzle out to nothing? Isn't that just false hope? And if I do that, then she gets off easy, which to me isn't fair, because I feel like that is maybe what she's trying to do - get out of this with the least amount of confrontation. I mean, who knows, I was never really confrontational with her ever in our relationship. I just sort of was silent if she was upset and trying to argue. Maybe she wants confrontation? Also, the waiting game is what is driving me crazy I think. Then the other half of people I talk to tell me I need to tell her face to face that I can't play this game, and that I love her and really want to be with her, but that if she doesn't want to work on getting back together then we just need to be done. I know ultimately it's up to me, and I really don't want to lose her but I probably already have...Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
I totally agree with Homegirl's last post, FC. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, man. Read my story if you want to see an example of someone else who went through the "mental prison" days, to quote the poster above. Just to calm your nerves and anxiety, know that you're doing really well based on what I've read so far. You've managed to control yourself remarkably well, all things considered. I know how hard it is, but it does get better, slowly.
I totally understand the urge to issue an ultimatum. You probably feel like you have the right to, and in a perfect world you should, because you're getting stringed along, just like I was. The problem with doing that, though, is if she decides to stay with you after you offer her two choices, you will feel paranoid afterwards that she only stayed with you because you "forced her to." Can you see yourself in the future feeling that? That is why your ONLY option is to act decisively. She knows how you feel, and she will not ever forget you (two common fears that come up again and again). You need to make this easier on yourself, and focus on doing what is the right thing to do, and escape with your dignity intact, which it still is. In my humble opinion, no happy birthday (I made that mistake), calmly and politely get your stuff back (if she asks, say there's a few things that you've noticed you need lately), and disappear. If she TRULY wants you back and you are to feel good about a potential reconciliation (which may never happen, so don't get your hopes up), it has to be after a period of her own uninterrupted reflection on you, her, and the relationship. That is why no contact is an absolute must. No interruptions in her thought process. No interruptions in her ability to miss you. Just disappear for a while, as hard as that sounds. Keep firing questions, though, if you're still confused. Everyone's here for you, and can offer you an emotionally detached perspective, as you well know. And I know how hard it is to think straight in the immediate weeks following this crap.
End this with her. Tell her how you feel and tell her you cannot deal with it anymore. If she wants you back, the move will be hers. In the meantime, you will not be playing the waithing game and you know where you stand.
End it.
Well I wish I had read this before I just broke down and texted her back telling her my day yesterday was good (even though it wasn't), and asked how her day was. I also asked if she has to work today because if she says she does, I will go over on a lunch break and get some more of my things. I also asked her if she's excited about her birthday coming up. Man I am lame. But my Mom said it was lame for me NOT to text her back, but that I just shouldn't be in a hurry to do it... which I wasn't. I waited till the text day. I also got her a card and a gift card. My Mom thinks I should give it to her or drop it off or something, but I don't know... I don't want her to feel like I have anger toward her if I don't call her up and wish her happy birthday or give her a card or something. Mom also thinks I should wait and see if she wants me to hang with her on her birthday. If she doesn't, that's probably a good sign that things are for the worse. Anyone?Quote:
Originally Posted by clarityseeker
FC: Read my post by clicking on my profile. Specifically read the stuff posted by Chuff and Tal. I can't sum up their words, but they give some excellent food for thought about worrying about HER so much and whether SHE will be offended by what you do or do not do. Right now, your only obligation is to take care of yourself. Try to settle into that frame and blast through your frazzled emotional circuitry.
Don't worry in the least about texting her back. Take comfort in the fact that you can disappear at any time and move away from the intense pain that contact with her is causing you. The hardest part is going to be training yourself and your brain to STOP WAITING. That is by far the hardest part, and it only comes with you truly letting go of all hope. If she comes back without any contact from you, then at least you will feel empowered to make a decision in your own best interests and untainted by her feeling any pressure from you. As hard as it is, pretend starting NOW that she is not coming back and that this is over. It's the only way that you can fathom the idea of walking away, and it's still nearly impossible. Don't let anyone tell you this is going to be easy, but you need to do it.
I would get ALL your stuff back as soon as possible. It's only making things a lot more complicated. And as for the card/gift card, I'd keep the gift card for yourself, and keep the card simple (i.e. nothing to do with you and her in the message). Don't get caught up in the urge to say something that you think will resonate with her in the card, because I think you'll find it has the exact opposite effect that you thought it would. Once her birthday's over and you have all your stuff back, you've got to disappear, not out of meanness, but for your own emotional well-being, and to create true space between you that needs to be there right now.
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