Ask Me Help Desk - Very Devistated

Thank you all for your replys, I am sorry I am such a mess. I miss her more than anything in the world. Just hurts so bad.

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Today 05:44 PM
MayfairLady dear d/star. I just been through a break up, well still going through it. It's simply the worst feeling in the world. I went to friends to talk and they told me it wasn't the last I would hear from him. This totally built my hopes up that I would one day hear from him... so I sat around waiting and waiting. Why put your life on hold... do things for yourself... get up do things you don't want to do... you will feel better. Then IF she does get in touch you will be in a much better place to decide whether she is worthy to be part of your wonderful life or not!!

Mayfairlady, I am sorry you are going through a breakup as well, and you are
right it is the worst feeling in the world. I have been trying to be better but
I keep losing it you know, it just hurts so bad. I don't want to burden my friends
and family with it anymore. Guess I will just do my best and pray I will find a way.
Thank you for your kind words.

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Today 06:12 PM
Homegirl 50 I think it's best that you forget her and move on. I'm still not understanding why you chose not to marry her. Maybe her insecurity came form your not doing so. At any rate, I think you should move on.

Today 09:54 PM
Homegirl 50 I'm still thinking it was the not marrying her or not even asking to marry her when you had been divorced for two years. Maybe she was insecure because of that. But of she has been gone for 11 weeks, I'd say she was pretty hurt and is done with you.

Homegirl 50, maybe and guess I was not thought of enough to try. I feel so foolish like
I am so neive. I know she is hurt, just wish she would have helped with us instead of her.
I miss her and it kills me she doesn't care anymore. I am so hurt, sorry for being such a
sap and sad with all this. Just really wasn't expecting this.

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Today 08:08 PM
talaniman You have invested too much into someone who cannot give you what you want, and must accept that for whatever reasons, it didn't work. You may feel like your life is in chaos, but maybe for the first time in a long time you are in position to know who you are and build a life you enjoy, by learning to love yourself. See a doctor to make sure you can get healthy, and when all the dust settles, you may see that this will work for the better. Give yourself time to heal.

talaniman, yeah I will do my best and try to heal. I just miss her so much. I can't
seem to stop hurting. I am feeling so foolish and embarressed. I hate that I am so sad
all the time. I hope to be better tomorrow.

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Today 09:37 PM
lmnotok You know what?pain has its own precious value. PAIN ALWAYS MAKES US CHANGE! Just like the physical pain, it's the signal telling you to stop sticking into the painful area, emotional pain has the same meaing, its telling u its time to view the problem differently. Or else, the pain keeps on breaking u until u learn the lesson.

Specifically, why don't you think ON HER VIEW?? And think about what is the REAL PROBLEM with yourself when u guys were in the relationship? IS that just all her side that had insecurities? IS that all about her? I don't think u didn't have any concerns/problem/issues. So just tell me about it, then I think I would help u a bit more.

lmnotok, I know I had issues with her as well. I just think I felt real guilty about
all that went on. I tried to mend the negative emotions from it all without really seeing
what was going on right in front of me. I just wanted to make her feel better and know
I loved her more than anything in the world. I guess by not asking her to marry me and
really showing her %100 commitment might have made a difference. I just wanted her to let
go of all comparasions. I left cause I love her. It was just more important to think about
my ex wife instead of us I guess. I feel awful and foolish. I love her with all my
heart. I have no way of proving that anymore. I am in such pain and she seems just fine.
That is what really hurts. I just don't matter anymore. I lost a lot of me and guess that
is who she fell in love with, I just needed help as well to feel confident and strong again
but she was too worried about my ex wife which I had no contact with or wanted. I am so
sad and hurt so bad, I miss her so much.

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It sound like you are in a lot of pain. Maybe you need to talke to a friend or brother and let of some steam. If she has someone else chances are she does not miss you. Just like you probably did not miss you wife when you left her because you had this woman to focus on. She is porbably focusing on this new guy too... the best is to move on, because relationships that start of infedelity never last because the other person will always know what you are capable of. Even if she come back and you marry her, she will still feel insecure because she knows first hand what you were doing to your own wife while you were married. & and a marriage with out trust is DEAD. So the best is to move on and start afresh with a new person who does not carry the baggage. I know I may sound harsh but I am just trying to be realistic with you. The choises we make have conseqenses and you just have to deal with them, learn from them and move on. Its not the end of the world. There are other women in the world you can meet and click with.
Today 10:09 PM
tatertot d/star : I am sorry about what has happened to you but it seems like you are just getting Karma. Now you know how your wife whom you cheated on and then dumped for another woman felt. I know you said you fell in love with this Girl but you had made a commitment to your wife to love her and there is no way you could have put a 100% towards your marriage if you were busy screwing another woman. Life has a way of coming back and biting us. You cannot get away with anything without it coming back to you. The woman who has left you now probably does not trust you enough to love you because she knows that if you could have cheated on you wife you will do the same to her as soon as you find another woman you feel connected to. She has probably been cheating on you with the guy she is seeing now. Marriage is serious and she knows you don't take it seriously and women like a man whom they feel secure with. You need to call your ex wife and apologize to her sincerely for the pain you caused her, for you to released from the Karma and if you know God you need to ask for his forgiveness because you broke a comittment you made to your wife the day you married her. MY advice to you : Move on. If this woman has told you she does not want you she probably has no feelings for you anymore especially if she is seeing someone else. Break ups are not easy and the only way to heal is time. And it helps a lot if you stop all communication with her, even if she calls. I know that is hard but the more you talk to her the more refreshed the pain becomes and you go back to square one. Focus your life on other things and you will meet a new person and hopefully you will be mature enough to learn from your mistakes and truly commit to the next person you meet

tatertot, yeah it has hurt so bad knowing how guilty I feel with it all. I guess its my
turn to hurt now. It just breaks my heart cause this was for nothing. I lost everything now.
I just have nothing left to lose. I am in love with this woman and she could care less. I
just don't know who she is anymore. It is strange since a few months ago we were talking
about getting married to this, we are nothing. How could I have been so wrong? I am so
sad and hurt by it all. I will not contact her for sure no matter how much I love her. She
is the one that left, I will try to keep what little dignity I have left. I am such a sap.
I wish I could get mad. I am just so upset still, don't know how to deal. I know what you
are saying, how can she trust me if I did what I did when I was married. We knew what
we were doing, just thought she loved me as much as I loved her. I never meant to hurt
anyone, but now it seems everyone else is OK, and I am the only one left alone. I can
see that I can move on and find someone else down the road that I can click with. That
is not it, I am still in love with this woman. She has my heart and I am not sure I can
ever feel the way I feel with anyone else. I know that is such a standard thing most
people say, just is the way my heart feels. I just wish I was not as sensitive as I am
then I could just not hurt as bad and really be better. She is not perfect I know that,
nor am I, but I this feeling with her makes me all weak inside, I can't help but love her.
I am just hurt beyond words. GOD I miss her and us.

I know this is a silly question, I just want her to miss me and love me like I thought
she did. She is all I think about day and night. I will keep the NC rule in place no matter
what since she was so cold and cruel. I pray every day she misses me and will change her
mind. I am not going to count on that, just can't believe she would not try if all she
wanted was for me to marry her and prove to her she is the world to me. I am so lost.
This is wishful thinking I know, man I am hurting so bad. I just can't help it. Help me

If you loved her so much and she was your heart, why did you not ask her to marry you. Why did you just "live" with her. I would imagine she was thinking you must not really want her, maybe that was why she was doing the comparing herself with you ex wife.
Maybe she came to the conclusion that if you really loved her, you would have married her, and for her own good she thought she should move on. Maybe she thought she wasted enough years on you.
I'm sorry you're going through all of this but maybe it is for the best.
What is your relationship like with your ex wife?

I just want her to miss me and love me like I thought
she did.
I'm sure the two years you were living with her, she was wishing you'd love her like she thought you did. I think the woman got tired of waiting

Me and my ex wife don't speak. I wanted to focus on my relationship with my GF. I see your point, I am sure she was tired of waiting. It was not all my fault for not asking her sooner. She just wouldn't stop with all the nonsense about my ex wife. I left her, I divorced her, I wanted to be with my GF. I know I should have done things faster, was just so hard to deal with all the emotions I was feeling. I know I know, it kills me and I am so upset over it now. I miss her and she is gone. I messed up and now have no way of fixing it. I am so sad. It is like I keep getting brokeup with over and over. I am still in love with her and lost cause I know she is gone and its mostly my fault. How needy and sad is that? I am such a foolish sap!!

Honestly that was way more than I wanted or have time to read, but I did fine this statement, "I have never cheated on her, however since I cheated on my ex wife WITH her why should she believe me right?" Yup that's right! More and likely the only reason she ever wanted you was because she knew she couldn't have you. Now that she can have you, all the fun and excitement is gone. Hopeful you are getting a taste of how your wife must have felt when you screwed around on her. Sorry to be so harsh but I just don't feel sorry for cheaters.

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Today 01:14 AM
Stonewilder Honestly that was way more than I wanted or have time to read, but I did fine this statement, "I have never cheated on her, however since I cheated on my ex wife WITH her why should she believe me right?" Yup that's right! More and likely the only reason she ever wanted you was because she knew she couldn't have you. Now that she can have you, all the fun and excitement is gone. Hopeful you are getting a taste of how your wife must have felt when you screwed around on her. Sorry to be so harsh but I just don't feel sorry for cheaters.

Yeah I know what you are saying, but listen it was wrong. I know that, am sorry I did. Thanks for your opinion, it seems that judgements are allways harsh. That is why I feel so guilty all the time. Guess I should have been better, kind of thought I was but seems I failed. Thanks for reminding me.

You know, I do get the whole thing was a bad situation. I have heard that over and over from most people. I guess since I am looking for some compassion and some uplifting ideas I should also expect to be put down for my actions as well. I am really hurting, know I am not perfect, and realize what I did. Just really wanted to feel better by telling my story. I didn't have to really tell all of it, but wanted to be honest about what has gone on and the time involved. I just wanted some help trying to heal and understand if I could fix this, I know I am a let down to all and myself. Guess being branded a cheater for any reason makes me a bad person. I feel awful. Guess this is how I should feel, I am sorry for being such a crybaby, just hurts so bad. I really wish I could fix it, I miss her so much.

Then what you must do is move on. We all make mistakes, they hurt, but that pain makes us stronger, it forces us to become either better people or bitter people. Don't focus on what you shouda wouda couda done, it's too late for that. The time is now. Get yourself together. Do something you never had time or opportunity to do before.
Wake up in the morning thankful that you made it through another night into another day and determine yourself to do it one more time.
I wish you well.

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Today 02:24 AM
Homegirl 50 Then what you must do is move on. We all make mistakes, they hurt, but that pain makes us stronger, it forces us to become either better people or bitter people. Don't focus on what you shouda wouda couda done, it's too late for that. The time is now. Get yourself together. Do something you never had time or opportunity to do before.
Wake up in the morning thankful that you made it through another night into another day and determine yourself to do it one more time.
I wish you well.

Thank you Homegirl 50, I will try just hurts real bad still. I miss her so and love her. I will try though. Hey by the way, cute cat pic. I like kitty cats. I miss mine :(

Look at it this way, you have made it 10 1/2 weeks. You are moving on. You will get through this. No pain, no gain

d/star: hope it comforts you to know that we all go through heart break. And it is the most emotionally painful thing to ever go through. Believe me I know I have been there. I know it is as bad as losing a loved one to death if not worse. My Fiancé cheated on me and then left me and it was the most horrible feeling in the world. I did not want to live anymore because he was the world to me and I felt so betrayed and violated. I had so much anger and bitterness torward him and I could not believe a human being could be so decietfull and cold. It took me about 6 months get over it and what helped me was I never called him and I never answered his phone calls. I changed my phone # and moved from where I lived. I just shut him out as if he did not exist anymore. That is what helpe me to move on because I knew if I had anwered his calls I would never be able to move past it. It was difficult because I wanted to talk to him. But the fact that I did not call him killed him more because I suppose he thought I was going to be calling & begging him to come back. He started sending me letters telling me how he wanted to get back to him and I never responded. A year later I met my now husband who is a great man, he loves me and cares about me. So I finally saw my ex 2 years later and I was with my husband and the look on his face just gave me so much saticfaction. You could tell he felt such a loss. The girl who he had been cheating on with me married someone else and he was now lonely. I know this story is similar to yours in some way but what I am trying to show you is that God can bring someone else to you who will bring back the joy in your life. I know it seems like you will never feel for anyone else, that is what I thought too, but that changed when I met my husband. So go through the pain knowing there are better days ahead for you. It may not seen like it but I asure you there is a bright light at the end of this tunnel!

Ok everyone, you all are going to say yeah I told you so.She called me this morning 6 times before I finally answered. This has been the usual crap. She says she loves me but is still confused and doesn't know what to do. This game is so awful. I know I shouldn't have answered the phone, what is wrong with me? I didn't beg I just said you need to make up your mind and I am not waiting. She is still obsessing about my ex wife. Plus how its all about my time table and why I didn't ask her to marry me before. This is so retarted! I am such a moron for being this caught up in it all. Please you all help!! I need to know how to shut this down. I am not crying, honest I am just so angry now. All she is doing is just playing games with me. What can I do everyone? I need to remove myself. Man I shouldn't have answered. I am such a moron. GOD all that work and time gone down the drain. Now I have to start all over again. Please you all help me!!

Well you kind of got what you asked for, and I told you she left because she thought you didn't care enough to marry her after all of that time. You two are not teenagers. You ended a marriage because of this woman, and I think it would not be a bad idea if you two did not sit down and try to figure out what happened here.
You two can either resolve the issue or be done.
Personally I don't get why you didn't marry her and I don't get why you can't understand why she left. If you are so in love and devistated by this, I'm not getting why you won't talk to her, unless there is more to the story than you told us.

You don't have to start all over again... just keep on going from where you are at. Are you trying to accept that this woman is not right for you even though you thought at one time she was? Could this be the reason for all the turmoil? You are a step closer to finding the truth.

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Today 09:49 PM
Homegirl 50 Well you kind of got what you asked for, and I told you she left because she thought you didn't care enough to marry her after all of that time. You two are not teenagers. You ended a marriage because of this woman, and I think it would not be a bad idea if you two did not sit down and try to figure out what happened here.
You two can either resolve the issue or be done.
Personally I don't get why you didn't marry her and I don't get why you can't understand why she left. If you are so in love and devistated by this, I'm not getting why you won't talk to her, unless there is more to the story than you told us

Homegirl 50, I wish it was that simple to sit down. She is still giving me the I am confused speech. Doesn't know what she wants. She said she loves me and misses me but doesn't want to go back to the way the relationship was and also said she has been feeling better about not being so sad about me not asking her to marry me, having that stress gone and not having to be SO obsessed about my ex wife. But she also says she misses me and loves me.

I know what you mean pesonally, I made a mistake not marrying her. I do understand why she left cause of that I am wanting to know how to fix it now? I want to talk to her, but she keeps bringing up the fact that I didn't marry her and why couldn't I have done it before now? Please help me I really can't take her games. What am I supposed to do? I can't fight for her if she won't let me? I can't show her how much I want to marry her if she keeps telling me she doesn't know what she wants? I know its a lot to ask, please help me to know what to do? I would humbly appreciate any advice.

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Today 10:12 PM
MayfairLady you don't have to start all over again... just keep on going from where you are at. Are you trying to accept that this woman is not right for you even though you thought at one time she was? Could this be the reason for all the turmoil? You are a step closer to finding the truth.

Mayfairlady, I am so confused with what to do? I am not sure what to accept? On one hand I can't keep playing games. Its too hard, on the other hand I am not sure if she just wants me to prove to her I love her by marrying her? I am so nervous and a little mad and scared. How can she be seeing someone else and tell me she loves me and wants to be with me but can't make a decision? Help me please!! I am not thinking clearly. I have not called her back, she called to tell me some BS that her phone died? I didn't answer. My last text to her was "Fine ignore me, I am done playing games with you, I deserve better, gbye" I said ignore me cause she was not replying to my texts. I was going off when she hung up on me. So that was it. I lost my cool and I feel like a total moron. Man I need to control myself. Help me please you all help help!!

Please Tal, chuff, someone please help help!! This is nuts, I am going crazy!!

OK OK don't freak out. Look! Isn't it what you get all the time? Why should you freak out of something happened routinely? Take it easy man.

One thing can help you:: STOP BEING IN THE POSITION OF A PASSIVE PERSON. If you always act in a "well, its all u did, what can i do?" then damn it, it would last and hurt you FOREVER.
Be a initiative! Call and tell her "NEXT TIME IF YOU CALL ME, YOU'D BETTER STATE OUT YOUR MIND CLEARLY or NEVER FEEL THE GUTS TO CALL AT ALL, OR ELSE I'LL BE REALLY MEAN BECAUSE I DONT *UCKING PLAY THIS GAME. YOU EITHER STEP IN COMPLETELY OR GET THE HELL OF MY LIFE FOREVER, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? YES, GOOD!!!"

Tell her what you just told me. Tell her you're sorry that you waited so long to ask her and then ask her what she wants from you. If she is still confused, then tell her (that is if you want to do this) you'll start from day one. You two can date. No sex, just dating getting to know each other again. Try it for say a month and see if you two have anything left to build on.

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Originally Posted by lmnotok

ok ok dont freak out. Look! Isnt it what you get all the time? Why should you freak out of something happened routinely? Take it easy man.

One thing can help you:: STOP BEING IN THE POSITION OF A PASSIVE PERSON. If you always act in a "well, its all u did, what can i do?" then damn it, it would last and hurt you FOREVER.
Be a initiative! Call and tell her "NEXT TIME IF YOU CALL ME, YOU'D BETTER STATE OUT YOUR MIND CLEARLY or NEVER FEEL THE GUTS TO CALL AT ALL, OR ELSE I'LL BE REALLY MEAN BECAUSE I DONT *UCKING PLAY THIS GAME. YOU EITHER STEP IN COMPLETELY OR GET THE HELL OF MY LIFE FOREVER, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? YES, GOOD!!!"

I wonder if I should do the same :confused:

Different situ but not out of the question. HMMmm. I like your angry statement too, I think if I were to be mean I would use what you said. Are you routinely yelling at people?

For once in your life, just listen. This is about you getting your own act together and not about a relationship. My friend if you cannot stand on your own two feet, and be who you are, what's the freakin' point? I highly suggest that you define who you are, and not let others tell you who you should be. Leave the others alone and build your life on what makes you happy, and let everyone else do their own thing. Yeah! I know how hard that is, but do it any way, and define yourself, the way you want! Its about you, and not the rest of the world!