Ask Me Help Desk - What do you consider cheating?

I admit to being wrong, it was tempting, and I did ith. But I found out what I did, and he has denied to me, he is ignoring me blaming me for him being mad, because I know he is embarrassed to know that I found out.
I just want to talk to him to tell him the truth, believe me this is the first time I ever did anythign like this. I want to tell him the truth, I want to get everything out in the open, and just get my stuff from him, I have a lot of personal stuff and some financial things with him, so I need to tie up loose ends, and go my separate way.

He on the other hand thinks that I'm making this bigger, and being a kid a about it. And making him more mad.

He doesn't ant to end things with me and keeps telling me he loves me... but I'm just sick of it.. u don't keep the one waiting just because your mad

I'd say you are being smart to end things.
No relationship will work without trust.

I know, even though its hurting me
I just can't get him to come meet me and see me so we can talk, so right now I'm really confsued frustrated and I don't know what to do

He's probably avoiding you, hoping this will just pass.
Just tell him it won't and you are going to either deal with it now or later, and now would be best.
The hurt will pass. Stick to your guns. Show him you are worthy of being treated right.

Oh I know, it just hurts, I'm so upset right now, I just can't stop thinking about it, and crying, you don't avoid someone you love..

And what bothers me more is that my hearts telling him to stay with him and let this pass but my minds telling me to get rid of it, and forget him and move on

If this guy is been doing this for years and now you can't even reach him now , I would bet my bottom dollar he has physically cheated.
IMO a guy who has regularly visited sites like that for years is seedy and creepy and I would not want to deal with them anyway.
Just leave.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hitch21

Oh I know, it just hurts, I'm so upset right now, I just can't stop thinking about it, and crying, you don't avoid someone you love..

and what bothers me more is that my hearts telling him to stay with him and let this pass but my minds telling me to get rid of it, and forget him and move on

Listen to your mind, use your brain. This guy IMO is creepy. And now he is not even responding to you. Leave it alone. How do you know he has not been metting up with some of these women? How do you know he does not have an STD or something? Leave the man alone. He cannot be trusted

It's not like he is COMPLETELY AVOIDING me and not responding, he just is avoiding the siutation, he told me last night that he doesn't want to see me because he's mad at me.
I just found proof that he did it in the beginning of our relationship, and I don't know about now. And the stds and stuff, we both have gotten checked, we go together.
But still,I just want to talk to him get things taken care of and go myown way..

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hitch21

It's not like he is COMPLETELY AVOIDING me and not responding, he just is avoiding the siutation, he told me last night that he doesnt want to see me because hes mad at me.
i just found proof that he did it in the beginning of our relationship, and i dont know about now. and the stds and stuff, we both have gotten checked, we go together.
but still,i just want to talk to him get things taken care of and go myown way..

Well you do what you need to do. If you want to go, then go. Why is he angry with you?

Because I went to his office while he was busy, n he got mad.

Excuse me guys, Hitch21 has stated some facts however there are a lot of assumptions going on here. NO offense but in situations like this you need all the facts and usually they are from one perspective. I think sometimes (and I realize the purpose of AMHD is to offer advice) we jump to quickly with negative opinions possibly based upon our own experiences or "failings?"

I have yet to find a sanctioned "book of rules" on this matter or for that fact; relationships. I have read quite a few books on relationships and basically they give you a foundation of right and wrong but is anyone really an expert in every case or detail?

Example; A few years ago John Gray (Men are from Mars, women are from Venus) was in Chicago and the girl I was with wanted to go to his seminar so I agreed. The first hour and a half was spent telling men how to get along with their female partners. At the break I was with several of the guys and they said they learned a lot but were a little uneasy with everything they had to consider in every conversation and reaction with their partners.

After the break I mentioned to John what was said by the guys and his comment was; "no that's not correct." However his female assistant spoke up and told him that it was correct.
He spent the next fifteen minutes on what the women should do and then again proceeded for the next two hours on how the guys need to improve.

After the seminar we went to dinner with John and another couple. After dinner during drinks I asked John about his qualifications and I must say he has quite a few of them. Then I asked him honestly "are you happily married?" He said yes, this time. I thought "humm?" He didn't want to go into detail about it. But he was married before (as many of us). He did say that she wasn't the one for him. All I'm saying is maybe there aren't any real "Experts" out there that know everything?

I believe that who you are (faithful, trusted, honest, etc) has an awful lot to do with how you were brought up and what you believe in. Personally, I have never cheated on either of my wives (have an ex) and I believe cheating begins in your heart. The moment you start to even think about it you begin to destroy your relationship. That is not to say that I don't occasionally look at a pretty woman.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hitch21

Because I went to his office while he was busy, n he got mad.

I don't know what is going on with the two of you, but my advice is , forget about him. This is just way too much drama to have to deal with. It's not worth it IMO.

Believe me I know, I'm trying to tie up all loose ends, its not easy to drop everything after that many years, when we have built so much together, personally, career wise, financially, you know.

I can't just let him get everythign and get up and leave.

He hurt me and he deserves to hear it from me.

I understand. Just be careful. Don't allow your need to "give it to him" blind you and make you do something reckless.
I wish you well

Honey, I think your main concern now is that you need your material possessions back and to hopefully get your financial issue out of the way too so that you can go on with your life. Am I correct?

Your relationship did not get to where it is now over-night and neither will your break-up. Give him a few days to unwind and not be so irritated at you. Then approach him on neutral territory and try very hard to curb your anger because getting your stuff back from him will probably depend on how you handle things at the 'bargaining table'. And that's exactly what it's going to be - bargaining.

This will require some strength from you and a little distance and rest will help you see it that way.

So.. the only thing I suggest right now is that you rest up and prepare for the end of one relationship. What you get or take out of it is your choice.. it depends on you to keep your cool.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/10/10_1_103v.gif Sometimes it's not what you do, it's how you do it that counts. If you want it all your way at the end be diplomatic no matter how he raves.

I have lost my patience, that's the problem. I don't want to wait any longer and I don't think I should wait any longer.
I have been waiting since Last Wednesday and it hasn't worked out. And I should leave it alone and wait, but I don't even want to begin to think of the 'what if's if I wait.. you know.

I just want to get it out of the way, its eating me alive, I haven't been sleeping, I've been upset crying and just so out of it...

:(

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hitch21

I have lost my patience, that's the problem. I don't want to wait any longer and I don't think I should wait any longer.
I have been waiting since Last wednesday and it hasn't worked out. And I should leave it alone and wait, but I dont even want to begin to think of the 'what if's if I wait ..you know.

I just want to get it out of the way, its eating me alive, I haven't been sleeping, I've been upset crying and just so out of it....
:(

That can't be a pretty site, and I can bet, not condusive to working out issues between two people. Vent if you have to, but why blow everything you've worked for in a moment of rage. BTW, my wife has told me you were not snooping, and to give him hell, but leave room for the healing to follow.

I don't think I quite understand what you mean when you said your wife told you I wasn't snooping and to give him hell?