Ask Me Help Desk - It's best that we take a break

As you can see, a couple having anal sex is not that big a thing on this site... the bigger issue is communication. Not letting him feel like there was breathing room from your parents is tough. It can kill the libido and the vibe. Give him a moment to breathe. And I think it is FAIR to not just be in a relationship if it is going nowhere, but it's best to judge by how you all feel together. Then, talk about the future and see how it goes... See if he can at least talk a year ahead. If not, and you want to... then you may need time off... Marriage is a big step and I think it is right to take one's time...
And please, if you get drunk and try something new don't feel bad... You are two consenting/loving partners (right?).

Also, (and yes, I've read all the posts in this thread) you need, seriously seriously need, to stop assuming that things are the way you think they are. You talk about your compassion, understanding and empathy, but none of that was on display when things were happening. He said I'm leaving and you said fine, screw you. Now, people get upset, but remember, this isn't just about you, this is about him as well.

I'm not putting either of you down, but I will speak from a male perspective, and not only a male perspective, but a male who has been in a failed marriage.

You may not have talked marriage (though from your original post, you made it sound very much like marriage was an issue that was well talked about) but in your own words, quoting him, he knew you wanted to get married. Not only you, but your parents as well.

That's hard on a guy. It's 10 times as hard on a guy who's been in a bad marriage. You ask if marriage is truly a lot of pressure? Yes. Yes it is. Especially for one who's been through one already, because they have a much better idea of what to expect. And I'm sorry ladies, I know this is a common misconception, but it is not often about the commitment, it's more or less about fear of being able to do it. Being able to keep that woman happy, being able to keep oneself happy.

If you go into the relationship with a timetable in your head, it's going to fail. You might get lucky, but doubtful. Because a timetable is an agenda, and with agendas come expectations and with expectations comes conditional love.

Do you love him? If so, then accept him for who he is. A man who has been through a bad marriage who very much likes being with you who is freaked out because of the pressure of marriage and/or wondering whether he's being what you need him to be. Even now you're creating pressure and he's not even around. I feel the pressure in the things that you read and I'm not even involved.

Relax. Examine your motives. Do you love this man or do you just want to be married? Now I'm not saying you can't be both but one is selfish, the other is selfless. Which are you being?

Lastly, the only time I've ever acted like that after sex is when I thought I had done something so terribly wrong. You said you cried on his chest afterwards. That would freak me out. I'd feel horribly guilty that I had done something so wrong and so bad that it made you cry after sex. Remember, as stupid as it is, men feel weak when they don't feel like they're good in the sack. It erodes our self-confidence almost instantly. Of course he's not going to want to talk about it, it just brings back that painful memory of how he messed up (even if he didn't!) Now, your reaction isn't your fault, there was nothing wrong with it, I just don't want you reading some goofy assumption that the man plied you for 11 months simply to get a certain type of sex with you and be on his way. Let go of that, it's poisoning your mind.

Slow down. Lose the agenda of having an idea of whether the person is interested in marriage in only a year. Whether you speak it or not, the vibe will come off and we will pick up on it and it will freak us out. It's not genuine. Just be you, let the guy be himself and just go where it takes you.

Seems like you would have brought this up in the beginning instead of waiting 11 months to let him know about your ideas of dating and marriage. It might have saved you both a lot of trouble.

Quote:

Originally Posted by stonewilder

Seems like you would have brought this up in the beginning instead of waiting 11 months to let him know about your ideas of dating and marriage. It might have saved you both a lot of trouble.

stonewilder is right.... did you guys even discuss his feelings on marriage after his divorce and what he wanted out of this seeing how he went through that badness?

One thing for sure whatever the reason, you have a glitch in the relationship, and the way you work it out, or not, is telling of the future of you both. Let him simmer and then call him, an see if you can work together to resolve your issues, where you both benefit. I think this is a test to see if you can work together. Life is sneaky like that, always throwing stuff to deal with at you.

You took this relationship way to seriously, way to fast. He didn't. He didn't see you, as though you saw him. He had different life goals then what you want. He should have told you that, I will give you that. He should have been honest with you, no matter how much or how little time you did earn the right to be told the truth.

But at the same time would you have truly heard what he was saying? I get the impression that you came at him so fast, so quick that he felt smoothered with no room to breath. In the end you can site anything else as an excuse but the pressure you put on him as far as marriage is what sealed the deal. Despite what you hear, read, or think about us we can be very flexible in our approach to women if we care about them. But if you start putting unwanted pressure on us, especially when that pressure is still lingering from the last person we are going to bail.

You wanted to know if he was thinking long term and you found out. Prior to that you didn't want to date anyone long term unless he was thinking marriage. I'm a little confused as to which one you wanted since you got both questions answered but in the future you probably shouldn't even bring the word marriage up until at least a year into the relationship if not longer. If you start talking about it sooner it puts pressure on him and it makes you look like someone who is desperate to get married. No guy wants to get married to a woman just because he happened to come along at the right (or wrong) time in her life and she needed to get that ring to meet some age quota that she dreamt up at 7 years old.

[QUOTE=Canada_Sweety]Honestly, you're suffering soooo much as we cann ALL see." True.
"Call him and ask him what's happening." No because he said he would call. I don't want to invade his space too much. Maybe down the line. I just want to learn from it all and understand things more for myself as well as for when we do speak again if we ever do.
Thanks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ash123

And please, if you get drunk and try something new don't feel bad...You are two consenting/loving partners (right?).

You are totally right. I do agree. This is how I want to look at it also. I just got scared because of everything that happened. But, you are right. We tried new things in bed because we were lovers. I also only get that drunk with him. I felt safe. Like we'll be okay. I thought this was awesome and a measure of how close I felt to him. And that's how I'll choose to see it. Thanks.

You're posting was so helpful. Thanks a million. I agree with it all. And I accept my stuff; the screw you and possible pressure. It comes from my insecurities shadowed by my past relationships of feeling let down or allowing myself to be in a relationship that after 8 years my partner basically said everything you thought we had and we're going to have was in your mind or maybe that's what I felt he had said. I take the responsibility for this. But I had spoken about this with him. I know he understands this because I told him how awful that was. I got scared and was defensive. I attempted to react with my heart, but I couldn't at the risk of feeling more pain. I take this responsibility. And maybe this time has allowed me to see this.
Your view on the anal sex thing really helped too. You're right. But I do have to say we could have talked about all this don't you agree? Or maybe we definitely needed this time to clear our minds. I have to say that I felt like I tried talking about things. But maybe we just couldn't get anywhere then.
Once again thanks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Canada_Sweety

stonewilder is right.... did you guys even discuss his feelings on marriage after his divorce and what he wanted out of this seeing how he went through that badness?

Yeah, we did . He said he wanted to get married again. He made that very clear. I had my doubts about it, so I asked just -- it was when we were getting to know each other.

Then wait! Just wait... why doesn't anyone know that waiting won't kill you in a situation like this?